I followed Cal out the door of the apartment. We didn't wait for the elevator and decided to take the stairs down to the lobby. I didn't mind going down the stairs. It was going up that I had a problem with, but if I took them down I felt justified in telling Ranger that I had taken the stairs. I always hoped that it would get me out of my cardio training, but it hadn't worked yet.

We walked into the entrance and I smiled at Mr. Wolenski before turning to look at the two people waiting for the elevator. I froze as I recognized Ronald McDonald and, as I looked at the shorter man, I figured out who he looked like – the Hamburglar. Give him a mask and the resemblance would be uncanny.

As much as I didn't want to talk to them, I also knew that letting them up to my apartment would be bad. Ranger and Dickie were sitting ducks and, although I didn't care about Dickie, I did care about Ranger and I didn't want him to be put in danger. So I went up to them and pushed Ronald McDonald into Hamburglar. "What the hell do you think you were doing when you exploded that car?"

I could see out of my peripheral vision that Cal had taken out his phone and was quickly texting someone. He put his phone back in his pocket and came to join me in front of the men. "Steph?" he said. "Are these the men who have been causing you problems?"

"Yes", I said. "They shot out my car yesterday and exploded my car today. They've been very busy." I reached into my purse and pulled a set of cuffs out as Cal removed his from his utility belt, and we both grabbed hold of a wrist and snapped on a cuff. Cal was able to spin Ronald McDonald around and snap on the other end of the cuffs. Me? Not so much. After I snapped on the first half of the cuffs, Hamburglar pulled out of my hands and ran to the exit. He didn't count on Mr. Wolenski though. As he passed the elderly gentleman, Mr. Wolenski threw his walker out in front of Hamburglar at the last minute, and Hamburglar didn't have enough time to stop running or to change direction. He tripped over the walker and fell down in a heap, and when he was rolling around on the ground trying to gain purchase I grabbed his other hand and snapped on the other cuff.

I looked at Mr. Wolenski, and he grinned at me. "I still have it, chicky", he said.

I laughed. "Yes, you do", I said as I handed his walker back to him.

Cal and I got the Hamburglar to his feet, and walked Hamburglar and Ronald McDonald over to the side of the lobby. Cal phoned the arrest through to the precinct as I called Morelli.

"Hey", I said.

"What's up? I'm just picking up a replacement vehicle."

"Pick it up quickly, because I have an early Christmas present for you."

"Who have you caught?"

"Cal, Mr. Wolenski and I just captured Ronald McDonald and Hamburglar. We're in my apartment lobby. Cal has phoned it in to dispatch, so you might be getting a call from them soon."

"I know who Ronald McDonald is. Who is Hamburglar?"

"His sidekick."

"I am not his sidekick", said Hamburglar. His face turned red in anger. "We're partners."

"And I'm not Ronald McDonald", said the other one. "All my life, people have been calling me Ronald McDonald."

"I'm not Hamburglar", said the first.

"I hate being known as Ronald McDonald. I don't even like clowns. They're creepy. They are always so happy. How can someone be that happy? It's not natural."

"I'd be that happy if I could eat Quarter Pounders with Cheese and fries every day", I said.

Joe laughed. "Is Lula particularly happy? Doesn't she eat two a day?" He paused. "Hold tight. I'll be there within twenty minutes. By the sounds of them bickering, you need them picked up sooner rather than later."

"Thanks", I said. I hung up the phone and turned to Cal and told him what Joe had said. Cal was watching the two felons at the same time as he was texting someone. I would guess that the person he was texting was Ranger.

"Who is Morelli?" said Ronald McDonald.

"He's the person who was renting the car that you exploded at lunch."

"I thought that was your car", said Ronald. "It was a rental car."

"It was my friend's. His car was torched yesterday, so he was driving a rental car."

"So he's coming?" said Hamburglar. "Is he going to beat us up for torching his car?"

"No", I smiled. "He's going to arrest you. He's a police officer."

"Fuck!"

"Watch your language, sonny", said Mr. Wolenski.

My phone rang, and I looked down. Ranger was calling. "Hi", I said. "Cal's been letting you know what is going on?"

"Yes. I also wanted to tell you that it might be a bit before I can return to Rangeman. I have contacted the people we were debating about earlier and have arranged a visit. I should be seeing them within the hour. Did you want to come upstairs again to meet the people with me?"

"I would love to."

I hung up with Ranger and waited for Morelli to show up. While we were waiting, two men – one blond and one brunet – dressed in badly pressed suits entered the apartment building. They were obviously federal agents, and Ronald McDonald and Hamburglar smiled at the men. You could tell that they thought one of them was Joe and they were smiling in appeasement. Mr. Wolenski greeted them and asked them who they were planning on visiting. They ignored the question and looked curiously at the two people that we had captured, and they looked at each other. "Is one of you Dickie?"

"No", I said. "Dickie's upstairs."

"Dickie's upstairs?" said Ronald McDonald. "We've been trying to talk to him."

The blond man looked at the brunet. "We've been trying to talk to him as well."

"These two have been using terror tactics to try to find Dickie and force him to return the eight hundred thousand he owes their boss. When they couldn't find him, they targeted me."

"Who are you?"

"Stephanie Plum, Dickie's ex."

"Didn't you have a contentious divorce?"

I snorted. "We did."

"Is Dickie in your apartment then?"

"He thought it would be the best place for him to hide as no one would ever consider that he was hiding out there. Certainly the whole of Trenton wouldn't – I'm sure the whole of Trenton heard us yelling at each other ten years ago when we broke up."

"That was you?" said Mr. Wolenski with a smile. I laughed.

"I know that we would never have thought to look for him here", said the blond one.

"We've been looking for him for the last two weeks or so", said the brunet.

"Our boss has been looking for him just as long. Before you take him away, can we not just get the money that he owes my boss?" said Ronald McDonald.

"No, Ronald. Dickie may owe your boss eight hundred thousand, but he owes our boss over four million", said the blond.

"I'm not Ronald MdDonald!"

Morelli walked into the building and smiled at us. "Hey, cupcake, Cal." He nodded at the two feds and shook their hands. He apparently knew them. He looked at Mr. Wolenski and said hi to him as well. Finally, he looked at the two in cuffs. "I recognize you", he said. "You torched my car."

"I didn't mean to torch your car", said Ronald McDonald. "I meant to torch Stephanie's."

"And you did, in a roundabout sort of way", I said. "After Joe's car exploded, it set off an explosion in my car. The only problem was that it wasn't my car. It was a car that had been lent to me, by my boss, so now you have Morelli mad at you, my boss mad at you and me mad at you. And while I'm not particularly scary, I wouldn't want to be on the bad side of either Morelli or Ranger."

"Why? Are they going to kill me?" said Hamburglar.

Morelli smiled. "I'll just arrest you. But it's a crap shoot as to what Ranger will do. I wouldn't put extermination past him."

"Are you scared of him?" said Hamburglar. He started making clucking noises.

Joe laughed. "No. But I have developed a healthy respect for both who he is and what he can do. He's a good person to have on your side and a bad person to have opposing you. And you, my friends, torched his car this afternoon. If I were you, when you get out on bail I would stay far, far away from Stephanie. She works for Ranger and he protects his own – and he will not take kindly to Stephanie being harassed." He looked at Cal and me. "I don't have enough cuffs to exchange them here. Come by the station this afternoon and I'll give your cuffs back to you then."

"Will do. Thanks, Joe." I tiptoed up and kissed him on his cheek.

"I'll help you take these bozos out to your car", said Cal.

"Don't laugh when you see it", said Morelli.

He led one of the men out, and Cal escorted the other. I followed behind. When we got to a red Smart car, Morelli beeped the car open. I smiled. "You plan on transporting two felons in that car? There's barely enough room for just you in there."

Morelli groaned. "This was the only car they had left on the lot."

I grinned. "Somehow, my car that didn't have heat is looking pretty good, isn't it?"

Morelli stopped and stared at me. "No, cupcake. That car was definitely ready for the junkyard. It backfired so much it sounded like an old woman farting as she walked down the street."

"This car seems appropriate for a Ronald McDonald", I said.

Ronald stamped his foot. "I'm not Ronald McDonald!"

"Uh-hunh", said Morelli. He pushed him down and into the backseat, but no matter how he positioned Ronald's body he couldn't fit him into the car.

"I'll take them in for you", said Cal. "You can exchange the cuffs at the same time."

I patted Cal on the arm and kissed Joe on his cheek. "I'm going off to see our problem dealt with by the feds." I turned to leave. "See you later, Ronald and Hamburglar."

"I. AM. NOT. RONALD. MCDONALD!"

I walked away and waved to them as I laughed. As I entered the building, I ran into Mrs. Bestler. She was unloading her groceries from her car, and I took a few bags from her to carry them up to her apartment. "Where are they taking Ronald McDonald, dear?" she said.

"He apparently isn't Ronald McDonald."

"Hunh. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…"

I laughed and followed her into her apartment, left the grocery bags on her counter, then gave her a hug and left for my own.

When I entered my apartment, I could hear Dickie whine. "You can't do this. Ranger, I want my money back. I hired you to protect me and you didn't protect me."

"I did protect you. You hired Rangeman to protect you from the bookie's thugs, and we did that. The thugs who were after you are now being taken to the precinct and are being arrested for destruction of property and criminal harassment. They know that the FBI is arresting you and I'm sure they will quickly realize that there is no use in continuing to threaten you. The threat from the bookie's thugs is now over. The FBI agents will be taking you into custody which will further protect you from the bookie's thugs. We have done our part and have earned the money that you have paid us."

"But you can't just hand me over to these investigators."

"Why not? I did what I said that I was going to do. Now that my job is done, I'll recommend to you that you don't argue and that you go with them. By going into custody you are protecting yourself from any future attacks on behalf of the bookie."

The blond federal agent put cuffs on Dickie and read him his rights. Dickie looked frustrated, but I could see his wheels turning as he tried to figure out how to get out of it.

"The thugs have been arrested", I said, "but they will soon be out on bail. If you choose to post bail as well", I said, "I'd advise you to stay away from anyone who looks like Ronald McDonald or the Hamburglar. Unlike the real Ronald McDonald and the Hamburglar, yours are bad news."

As the feds waited, Ranger went into the bedroom to pack up Dickie's things. Clothes had been strewn all over the room. Ranger scooped it all up, gathered his toiletries, and shoved it all into his travel bag. He handed the bag to the arresting agents and, as Dickie was led from the apartment, Dickie turned to me. "I guess you're happy", he said.

"I have to admit that I'm achieving some personal satisfaction from this", I said. "Karma is a bitch."

The feds continued on their way, and I looked at Ranger. "All in all, a good day's work, don't you think?"

Ranger laughed.

I stripped the bed of the sheets as Ranger got an antibacterial fabric spray out from under the sink and sprayed down the bed and pillows. "Let's get Ella to wash the sheets, and you can put them back on the bed in another few days", said Ranger. "I was hoping that Rangeman could take over your rent, and keep the apartment as a safe house. Dillon has been very good about us monitoring the fire escape and the front door, and the neighborhood watch program is fantastic here."

I smiled and agreed. It would also give me a sense of comfort knowing that my apartment was there in case I ever had to move out of Ranger's. I was feeling pretty confident in our relationship, but knowing I had a bolt hole moved me from being pretty confident to being fully confident. Ranger knew me well. He knew that having a choice would make me feel comfortable choosing him, but not having a choice would make me feel pressured and overwhelmed.

I followed him out of the apartment and got into his Cayenne. Ranger drove from the apartment back to the office. "Have you thought more about visiting my family for Thanksgiving?" he said.

"I think that's a good idea. You've met my family several times. You even came to Uncle Gerry's fifty-fifth birthday. It's time to meet your extended family."

"They'll love you."

I lifted the hand that was holding mine and kissed it, and a soft expression settled on Ranger's face. I put his hand down on my leg, and wasn't that giving me ideas?

I looked out the window to distract myself and, as we were driving past the Cut 'n Curl, we noticed my grandmother standing on the side of the road with a cardboard sign that said 'free sex'. I yelled out to stop, and Ranger quickly pulled over. "What's going on, Grandma?" I said as I helped her into the car. My grandmother was shivering and turning blue.

"I was reading a book on getting a job, and it said that sometimes volunteer work was helpful in getting hired. So I thought that, if I wanted to be a 'ho, I should volunteer my services. But although I wrote my sign in my best handwriting, no one stopped. I had to use the bathroom so many times at the Cut 'n Curl that they told me that I wasn't allowed to use their facilities any longer. My hair is ruined from standing in the wind, I'm cold to the bone and tired of standing for so long. Being a 'ho is the pits. I don't think I want to be a 'ho any longer."

"Probably wise. I bet Mom has Entemann's coffee cake at the house, and there is probably hot coffee waiting for you."

"Cake and coffee sound good", said Grandma. "Do you want to come in for some?"

"Oh, no", I said. "I don't want to be anywhere near you and Mom when you tell her that you tried being a 'ho."

"Who said that I was going to tell her?" said Grandma. I laughed. "So, do you think I have a chance at the funeral home?"

~ The End ~

Thank you for reading this story and coming along on the ride with me. Just so that you know, I'll start posting the next book in this series, Toxic 30, on Friday, and will stay posting on the 'three times per week with spontaneous extra postings' schedule.

Have a great evening.