CHAPTER EIGHT

Days came and went like clockwork - the countdown to the end of her freedom, Jane felt. It was a warm morning - the sounds of the city were a full rumble and the birds were calling out in song. She stood in her bathroom, her auburn hair falling, disheveled, around her shoulders, and her white summer nightgown rumpled from her restless sleep the night before. She looked at her reflection in the mirror — tired, she concluded, she looked tired…and pregnant. Despite the loose nature of her nightgown, she could still notice the small protrusion of her stomach which would only continue to grow.

Larkin had already left for the day, as he usually did, and Jane would need to depart soon for a lecture at the university. She pulled her nightgown off, leaving her standing in her bathroom completely undressed. She looked at herself again, this time her naked form. Her pregnancy was even more pronounced now. Perhaps the nightgown did hide it a bit.

She ran her hands over her stomach, feeling the rise and fall where her pregnancy was. "This is good, Jane," she said. "You're happy." She needed a bath, so she ran the water, and bathed quickly. Before getting dressed, she looked at herself in the mirror one more time, running her index finger along the faint stretch marks that had already formed on her skin. She shook her head, noting to herself to find a remedy for this - she didn't like how that looked on her body. She selected a dress from her closet - the one she speculated would retain her pre-pregnancy form the best. She knew she was being silly - no one had noticed anything different about her body yet - not a single soul, but she was still self conscious. With her light grey summer trick on, she made her way to the university.

"Jane," her friend Alison called to her upon seeing her leaving the lecture hall. "Where have you been? I didn't see you the past few lectures."

Jane swallowed hard, needing to find an excuse quickly. She very well couldn't tell her friend that she had been in bed for nearly a week with morning sickness. No one could know about the baby - not outside of her family - not yet. She smoothed her still slightly messy hair nervously. "I've been a bit under the weather, that's all, nothing to worry about."

"Under the weather, aye?" chimes in Millie, having caught up to Alison, Emily trailing along behind her. "Is married life catching up to you that quickly, Jane?"

"What do you mean?" Jane asked.

"Is there a baby in there?" Millie laughed, gesturing towards Jane's stomach. Jane could tell she was joking, but she had no idea how right she was. Jane could feel her face contort into a smile out of instinct. She shook her head. Millie's eyes widened, "There is, isn't there? I can tell when you're not telling us something."

Jane shook her head again, more strongly this time. "No, no, there's no baby. Why would I ever have a baby...so soon, I mean."

Emily raised an eyebrow. "Jane, you're not being serious with us. It's written all over your face." She knew Jane was pregnant, she could just tell. She, and the other two girls, had known Jane since she was ten years old. They could be so easily fooled.

Jane's shoulders slumped in defeat. They had caught on quickly, more quickly than she would have liked. "You're right," she sighed, touching her stomach over her dress.

"I knew it," whispered Millie.

"That's exciting, Jane!" Alison exclaimed, shaking Jane's shoulder gently, "You and Larkin are going to be parents." Jane looked at her friends' smiling faces, wishing she could be as excited about this as they were.

"Oh, yes, very exciting," she said, plastering on her most convincing smile, "I'm just…worried, that's all, Alison. Just worried about things - school, my research - you know me." She laughed, in spite of herself, wishing that school and research were truly the biggest items of concern here. With each passing day, each passing second, she could feel her freedom slipping away - like trying to hold water in her hands. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't keep it. She knew once the baby came, school would be done, research would be done - Jane, in some essence, would be done - she would cease to be Jane Porter...Edwards…the aspiring naturalist, and she would become someone's mother, and in some way - just the accessory on her husband's arm. She saw this happen - she saw strong, capable young women get married, have children, and just lose their spark. She didn't want to lose her spark - she wanted to be Jane. But how could she?

...

It was December now, and the snow blanketed the ground. The air was crisp and cold. Jane, being nearly at full term now, hadn't been outside much. Normally she would have been - the natural elements rarely deterred her from anything, but in her pregnant state, she didn't have the energy for much.

It was the mid-afternoon now, and she was still home alone. Larkin had planned on staying late at the university medical laboratory today - something to do with a research study. Nina had since gone home for the day, and Jane soaked in the true and full silence of this enormous house. She sighed, lifting her head from her pillow so she could see outside. It had been grey and dreary all day, and nothing had changed since the last time she looked.

Feeling a shiver pass through her body, she decided a warm bath might do her some good. "I suppose I should make use of that porcelain tub," she sighed to no one but herself, heaving her body out of bed, "It probably cost more money than my entire education." She spit these words out with a certain distaste that she hadn't expected. She didn't know quite where the resentment had come from, but at the same time, she knew very well.

She retreated to the bathroom, dropping her dress undergarments unceremoniously in a heap in the corner before starting the tap. As the water heated and ran, she looked at herself in the mirror. She took her hair down from its bun, letting her auburn locks fall around her shoulders. She rubbed her face gently with her hands. She could see the fatigue in her features. Her eyes inevitably drifted down to the now very, very large protrusion of her pregnancy. Taking one hand, she traced the stretch marks that now stood, quite pronounced on her stomach. She had never found a way to get rid of them, much to her dismay.

Once the water filled the tub, and it was comfortably warm, she submerged herself, with the exception of her head and shoulders. She laid her head back against the lip of the tub, allowing her tired eyes to flutter closed. Letting her mind wander, she remembered swimming in the small pond in the jungle. She had dipped her feet in first, and finding that it's direct exposure to the sunlight had kept it quite warm, she ventured in further, holding her skirt in a bunch above her knees. Realizing how silly she must have looked, she returned to the grassy area at the edge of the water, abandoning her skirt - instead swimming only in her bloomers and white camisole shirt. These could be washed, and it wad all worth it for a swim in this pond. She glides quite effortlessly over the small trickling waterfall that fell over the rocks at the far end of the pond, letting this noticeably cooler water wash over her face and body. It was a welcome cool after days in the unforgiving jungle sun with such limited supplies with which to bathe. Realizing what she had been dreaming about, Jane's eyes flew open again, now staring at the ceiling. "Mustn't think about that," Jane muttered to herself, not daring to close her eyes again.

...

Another month passed without much splendor or excitement. Jane had given up going to university classes, much to her dismay and annoyance. She just couldn't seem to make it through the day without being too exhausted to complete her coursework day after day. She had spent time with Nina around the house, and her friends would come by to bring her small gifts - clothes for the baby, shoes, and the like. She had almost always insisted on buying everything with her own money, but her friends insisted on giving. Friends and family members of Larkin's came by too for the same reason, and Jane had been even more reluctant to take their offerings, but she did and did so graciously.

It was this dreary, drizzly January day - the thirteenth, to be precise - on which Jane's first child entered the world; a small baby with bright blue eyes who she named Anna Catherine Edwards.

"Oh Jane," Larkin coped, "She's beautiful."

Jane opened her eyes to look at her husband. After all of the exhaustion of her labor, she had laid her head back and closed her eyes - a silent reverie that the pain of that was over, as well as a silent moment of gathering composure. This was it. Her baby was here, in her arms - this was a real baby…here. "Mm, yes," she murmured, gently caressing her daughter who lay upon her bare chest.

"Quite beautiful indeed," her father said, moving closer to her bed, "She looks quite a lot like you when you were born, actually, Jane." This made Jane smile. Having her father here next to her, gently holding her hand, made her feel a bit more steady, despite the inner turmoil. "I do wish your mother could have been here to see this day, too," he whispered to no one but himself. Jane heard him, though.

"Me too," she sighed, glancing around, seeing that Larkin had left the room. She felt a few stray tears rolling down her cheeks - but up until now, she had been unaware that she, as well as her newborn daughter, had been softly crying.

"Are you quite alright, Janey?" her father asked, now noticing the tear streaks on his daughter's cheeks.

She sniffed, trying to compose herself as quickly as possible. "Oh yes, yes. Quite fine, indeed."

"I'm sorry if mentioning your mother brought up some emotions, dear. I just miss her ever so much."

Jane gave a half-hearted smile and shook her head a bit. "No, it's alright. I miss her too, but you didn't cause this. I don't know why I'm crying." She knew this was a lie - she, deep down, knew exactly why, but refused to admit it. "I'm fine."

Her father examined her face closely. She was a lot like him, in the sense that she couldn't really hide her feelings. She could try, but the people that knew her next could always see through the facade. He decided to let this be for the moment, with all the excitement and action of the day, he chose to let the issue rest. He could tell something was wrong - but what ever could it be?