A/n: Sorry for the long wait! RL was a bitch, but I am here!
Chapter Ten
The next week went by rather quickly for Harry. The days were counting down until he could start work, and he was both nervous and excited. On the one hand, he was ready to do something with his life besides lay around the apartment and go out with Severus. Not that he didn't love being with Severus, because he did, but he needed something more in his life. However, his first day on the job was still a little ways off. For now, the only thing he could look forward to were his dates with Severus. After their first date the week before, things had been better.
The older man was still being cautious with him, but it almost seemed as if each day, they got just a bit closer. Harry knew that there was a possibility that it was just his feelings clouding his judgment on that matter, but he didn't think so. He knew he was falling for him and probably had been for a lot longer than he had been aware of. Part of him wondered when exactly this had started, and he couldn't point to a specific place. At some point during their contract, things had changed between them. Perhaps it was all due to them getting to know each other on a level other than the antagonistic teacher-student one they'd been in throughout Harry's years at Hogwarts.
Things were good, though, at least as far as he was concerned. Sure, he was still dealing with getting his full strength back. The nightmares didn't go away. Honestly, he didn't think they ever would. He was trying to deal with it, though, and knowing that he had Severus when he woke up in the morning helped a lot. Hermione was still living with him, and when she brought up possibly moving out, he told her that he didn't want her to. For now, he wanted her to stay where she was. It was comforting knowing she was in the next room, that he wasn't alone. She was there if he needed her, as was Severus.
Harry's first day of work was coming closer and closer, as well. Hermione kept telling him to study, and he would look over all his books at some point before he went back. He was never really good at learning from a book, though. It was much better for him to learn on the job. However, that didn't mean that he planned on going in completely blindfolded so to speak. He just had to hope that the potions were out of his system. It had been months, so really there was no reason for them to be. He also wanted to get back into shape, too and had started working out again.
Harry was starting to feel a bit like a normal person again, though he was still waiting for the other shoe to fall, so to speak.
~*o*x*o*x*o*x*o*x~
"You are aware, I am sure, that you are a recipe for disaster," Severus said. Harry was over at his house. They had a night in tonight. It was in the middle of the week, and the older man had a long day. It didn't bother Harry. As long as they were spending time together, what they did was irrelevant as far as he was concerned. He just wanted to be with him sometimes, as much as he did enjoy going out. They didn't have to do that all the time, though, as long as they were together.
Harry just looked up at him. He was currently snuggled into Severus's side, one arm was wrapped around the older man's waist, and the other was curled up in between them. Severus's arm was wrapped around him. "What do you mean?" he asked. All he had said was that he had been working out again, to get back into shape. That had not been the reaction he'd been expecting. He had been expecting… well, honestly, he wasn't sure, but a sarcastic comment about being a disaster had not been it.
"You know what I mean," Severus said, looking down at him. "You are still healing, and on Healer's orders to take it easy. Since you are getting ready to go into Healing yourself, you should know better than to push yourself."
Harry shrugged. "I want to get back into shape," he said simply as if that explained everything.
Severus scoffed. "You act like you have gained an inordinate amount of weight or something," he told him. "If that were the case, I would have told you. I know you well enough by now to know that you will exercise more than what is probably necessary."
Harry just gave a light laugh. "Trust me; I am taking it easy." The older man raised an eyebrow. "Relatively so. I promise I'm listening to Healer Brown. He said that as long as I felt good, I could go back to my normal life." While Severus had been showing more affection towards him lately, he still kept their physical relationship at arm's length. It was frustrating, but he knew that he was just looking out for him. "Since I feel fine, I am continuing to go. I haven't had an attack since New Year's, and that was only because I got upset."
Severus shook his head. "You are still a recipe for disaster, no matter how many excuses you make," he said.
Harry just smiled as he snuggled closer to him. He knew that the older man was just saying this because he cared about him and didn't want him to over do it. Harry thought he was being a bit overly cautious, but he knew it came with the territory. It was part of who Severus was, and he wouldn't change that for anything. "Hmm, that's why I love you." The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. It was too soon for stuff like that, while this dance had started sometime during the contract, they had been dating for about a month and a half. He had no idea how Severus would react to it.
Unfortunately, he didn't have to wait. Severus immediately stiffened once the words were out of Harry's mouth. It caused his own body to stiffen too, as he waited for whatever Severus was going to say. However, the older man said nothing, and then slowly Severus's body relaxed again, allowing Harry's own body to relax. He didn't know what to say, or if he should say anything. The rest of the night passed in silence as Severus acted like it hadn't happened. He wasn't sure what to think about that, whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. For now, he would take it as good because other than Severus's body stiffening when he'd said, he hadn't pushed him away yet because of it. Of course, he didn't say it back, but knowing Severus, he hadn't expected him to. He had expected him to say something, though.
Surely, Harry was just overreacting to it all, though, right? This was the first time either of them had been in this situation, and there was no reason to think that something was wrong. It was possible that Severus did not know how to react, and had simply been in shock from hearing Harry say that. He couldn't take it back, though, because damn it… He was in love. He knew that. He didn't need to hear it from Severus. He wasn't some stupid, simpering teenager. He really should have kept his mouth shut, though.
All he could do was wait until the next they saw each other and hope things were back to normal.
~*o*x*o*x*o*x*o*x~
Severus went home that night, convinced that he must have misheard. In fact, by the time he went to bed he was sure that he was right. However, those words plagued his dreams that night. He had been fine with the status of their relationship up until that point, despite the fact that he knew full well that he had fallen for the boy. Hearing that Harry loved him back sent feelings coursing through him that he hadn't felt in a long time.
In his dreams that night, Harry and Lily mixed together. Harry kept telling him that he loved him, and then the images would shift to Lily being dead. Towards the end of the dream, it stopped being Lily and remained Harry. He woke up in the middle of the night in a dead sweat. He never got anxious or upset about his dreams anymore. Decades of bad dreams left one feeling numb. This was different; Harry was different. His feelings for him were different.
No.
It can't be.
That was not his life, and it never could be.
Severus was not that person. Nothing good ever came into his life without something worse following. That was part of him, but most especially his life. His life had been a constant, never ending series of disappointments. He was not so foolish to think that had made all the right decisions. He knew better than that. However, it didn't mean that this current situation would happen. What would happen if he continued to stay with Harry, allowing himself to believe that nothing bad was going to happen?
That's why I love you.
Fear gripped his heart. Perhaps it was time that he came to the realization that this was never going to work. They were too different, and it was… destined for failure. It was best that it ended now before either of them got hurt.
Yes, that was best for everyone.
~*o*x*o*x*o*x*o*x~
It had been quite clear that he had no idea when that would be. Used to hearing from him at least once every couple of days, he heard nothing about him until Saturday morning. That morning, Severus promptly canceled their date for that night. He said that he simply had too much work and that they would see each other soon. He didn't sound angry or mad or anything of the sort, and yet it stood that he had never canceled plans with him since they had been together. It was possible that he was truly busy, but nonetheless, it left Harry feeling nervous.
What was he supposed to think after he told the man he loved him?
Harry tried to tell himself that there was nothing to worry about, but days passed and nothing. It was getting a bit ridiculous, and it seemed like… Well, it seemed as if Severus was purposely pushing him away. That made no sense, though, did it? Things had been great, and he had no reason to believe that just because he had opened his big, fat mouth too soon meant that things were over between them. That was nonsense, and he refused to believe it. There was a logical explanation for what happened. Since Harry was not the kind of person to just sit around and wait for that explanation to come to him, he resolved to see Severus.
The next day, around lunchtime, Harry got up and went to Diagon Alley. He made his way to the back door of Severus's shop. This was the way he always entered if he came in, and had for months now. Knocking on the door, he expected a quick answer like usual and was quite surprised when nothing happened. He knocked again, and then one more time before an irate Severus answered the door. He expected the look to fade as soon as Severus saw who it was, and was shocked when it did not.
"Is there something you require?" Severus asked, voice cutting and cold as if they hadn't spent the past month and a half seeing each other, holding each other, snogging… As if he hadn't told him…
Harry forced his emotions down. He knew how Severus reacted, and he tended to react angrily to everything. "It's just… it's been almost a week," Harry said. "I only heard from you when you canceled our date last Saturday. Every time I call you refuse to answer the Floo, I just…" I needed to see you, you stupid git, he thought to himself. His heart was beating faster than it probably should be, and he forced himself to take a deep breath and calm his racing heart.
Severus's expression didn't change, and it sent chills through Harry's spine. "You just what?" His voice was cold, and too much like the old potions git from school for the young man's liking. "You thought that because of the change of status in our relationship that my life revolved around you? It does not."
Harry once again forced himself to remain calm and tried to push himself inside. "Look, stop," he said as Severus's arm blocked him. "We can talk about this like civilized adults, whatever is going on cause I don't understand. There's nothing -"
"Yes, there is nothing, and you are correct in your assessment that you do not understand," Severus said. "Good day, Potter." With that, the door was slammed in Harry's face. Emotion gripped his heart as all of his worst fears were confirmed. Tears slipped down his cheeks as he turned and stalked his way back down Diagon Alley, back to the comfort of home.
~*o*x*o*x*o*x*o*x~
Harry had stopped crying by the time he Apparated back home, but he didn't speak much to Hermione that night. She pushed a little, but when he rebuffed her, she left him alone for the rest of the night. Good, that's what he wanted. He didn't want to talk about how he'd just had his heart broken again, by the same bloody fool of a man. Why did he do this? He didn't understand why this happened, or what Severus's reasons were. He had gone there for an explanation and instead had gotten the door shut in his face. Why had this happened? There had to be a reason, yet he could find none that made sense. Had this really all been because Harry had said he loved him?
That night, Harry couldn't sleep so he had left his bedroom and gone back out to the couch. He had just sat there, watching the telly. The noise must have woken up Hermione because he heard her door open. "Harry, what in Merlin's name are you still doing up?" she asked. "Do you know what time it is?"
I don't care, he told himself, but he didn't say that aloud. "I'm sorry to wake you," was all he said. "I'll turn it down."
Hermione didn't respond right away, though, instead of coming over to sit next to him on the couch. A look of concern was on her face. "Are you alright? You've been acting rather odd all night."
"Fine." Hermione gave him that look that said 'I'm smarter than you, don't fucking lie to me.' He gave a sigh. "Last week, when I was with Severus, I… I told him that I loved him." Her eyes widened in shock. "I didn't mean to, it just… slipped out. He was acting all concerned, you know in his own way, about me working out and pushing myself. I told him that's what I loved about him. He acted like it never happened, and then hasn't talked to me since."
"Oh, I'm sorry," she said, slipping an arm around his shoulders.
Harry fought the urge to push her away. He knew that she was only trying to help. "I just don't understand it. I went to see him because this is a load of rubbish, and he was so… He wouldn't even let me in the door."
Hermione rubbed his shoulder a bit before speaking. "I agree, it doesn't make sense," she said, "but you know how he reacts. I mean… I've seen you two together. He can barely keep his hands off you, and he's very protective of you. That's not the actions of a man who doesn't want you in his life."
"Then why did he do this?"
His bushy-haired friend shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know," she said honestly. "You know him better than I do. It was rather soon, maybe he's just scared. You know that he doesn't react to things the same way that you and I would. He's different. You've gotten rather good at reading him. Why don't you tell me."
Harry put a hand to his chest, making sure that he was remaining in control. "I don't know…" Something about what she said resonated with him, though. Maybe he's just scared… Could it be that easy? He had no idea, but he couldn't think about it right now.
"Harry, if you want, just go there and stand your ground," Hermione said. "Nothing worth fighting for is easy. You of all people know that. If you think he's worth fighting for, then make sure he knows that and don't give up just because he thinks you should.
Harry was too emotional to think right now. "I think I just need to sleep right now." He said his goodnights, and then headed to bed without another word to her.
~*o*x*o*x*o*x*o*x~
Harry thought a lot about what Hermione said - and a lot about Severus - over the next few days. As the weekend came nearer, he still wasn't entirely sure what to think about it. It had hurt, and he wasn't sure he wanted to put himself out there again if he was only going to get kicked down again. Ron asked Saturday morning if he could come over. He hadn't seen him since he had been over to apologize about his action at the New Year's Eve party. Wanting to be distracted, he told him yes. However, that didn't work. All he could think about was Severus!
And Ron noticed.
"Hey, mate, what's wrong?" Ron asked. "I know that look. Something's up." Harry really didn't want to talk about it, but he hadn't been able to enjoy this afternoon with Ron. Hermione was with Draco. Harry just wanted his feelings to go to away for a bit, but they didn't. Damn it… "Is it work? You're starting in a few days, right? Nervous?"
Harry shrugged his shoulders. "Well, a bit, yes, but that's not the problem…" he said. "Severus, he and I, well…"
"What did he do?"
Harry turned his green eyes towards Ron. "What makes you think he did anything?" He hated that he couldn't let the redhead badmouth Severus even after he had hurt him. He should, but he couldn't. Ron didn't seem offended or anything, though. He just raised a questioning eyebrow at Harry's reaction. Harry let out a breath that he hadn't realized he'd been holding. "Okay, he did," Harry explained what had happened - him telling Severus that he loved him, Severus pushing him away, canceling their date, the constant rejection, slamming the door in his face. He even told Ron about the conversation with Hermione the other day.
Ron stayed silent, allowing Harry to talk. "Look, I'm not going to pretend that I understand why you chose him," he said, "but you did. Did you mean it?"
Harry paused for a second before answering with one simple word. "Yes." He couldn't and would not deny that he was in love with him. It made sense to him. A part of him did appreciate that Ron was trying, and after what he'd done, he needed to.
"And you're fairly certain that he at at the very least cares about you?"
"Yes."
"Good, because I'd agree with you," Ron said. "I remember how he reacted to me at the party. The man's crazy about you. Hermione's usually right about… well, everything. She's right. Maybe you should do what we usually do and listen to her."
Ron left not that long after that, leaving Harry to his thoughts. He couldn't help but think about what he said. Hermione was usually right. She said he should fight for him. Damn it… Why was he such a fucking coward? It wasn't like him. He wasn't that kind of person. He knew damn well that he and Severus had something, something real. He was in love with the bastard, and he knew that Severus felt the same way even if he wouldn't admit it. She had to be right. He had scared him. He remembered when they had gotten together. Severus had simply asked, "Why me?" This had to be like that.
Harry refused to let Severus give up on them because he was scared. Hell, Harry was too. He got up and headed out the door. He planned on letting that bastard know that whether he wanted to hear it or not. Maybe Severus had given up on them out of fear, but Harry would be damned if he did the same. He would make him see it if it was the last thing he did.