A/N: A reasonably sized chapter for you all. This is the aftermath of the reveal. It shows the emotional rollercoaster Hermione goes on trying to come to terms the identity of the man she is attracted too. Bear in mind she is confused. Tom shows a little more of his true colours.
THE REVEAL
It was what I expected but I just couldn't think. I couldn't move. For the first time ever in my life I was at an impasse, I didn't know what to do.
I sensed the bathroom door open, my heart was beating rapidly in my chest, was he going to kill me? Will I die in my own bathroom right next to the toilet? For some reason a small giggle escaped me. He stood in the doorway leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed. He always looked presentable no matter the occasion.
"So, you figured it out", he said casually. I couldn't get a read on him on what he was feeling about this moment, but I suspect that he knew it was only a matter of time before I figured it out.
"Are you going to hurt me now I know your secret?", I tried to sound strong, but my voice was shaking badly.
He raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow and pushed off the door frame. He walked into the bathroom, imposing and seemingly filled the room with his powerful presence. My heart was beating wildly in my chest, my fight or flight instincts had completely left me, and I was frozen to the spot.
He caged me in against the pedestal sink, the edge was digging into my back. It hurt, but I wasn't paying attention to the pain. He looked deep into my eyes, I knew he wasn't using legilimency on me he was just looking at me. It felt like he was trying to see inside me down to my atomic level. I have never experienced that before and it was both frightening and thrilling.
"Now why would I do that? When I want to do this", and he lowered his lips to mine. I went to push him away, resist him, but I found I couldn't everything just shrunk away. To just his taste and just his touch.
Maybe this was what he meant when he said I wasn't ready? Being so completely consumed by someone. My hands found their way to his body, one fisting his hair and the other roughly grabbing at the front of his shirt, holding him in place. I deepened the kiss and he groaned, his own hands moving from their position on the sink, to lifting me up and walking us both lips still locked to my bedroom next door.
My body felt like it was engulfed in flames and he was the match that had ignited it. We collapsed on the bed never breaking contact. It was hot and heavy as we explored each other but never undressing. It was easy to forget in that moment and be just Hermione and Christian. I liked hearing him make those noises, those groans almost like it hurt to restrain himself from devouring me.
I pulled back breathing heavy, I was so conflicted between what I wanted and what I should do.
I was shaking with need. I hated that I still responded to him, even after knowing who he is, what he was. This was the man who had killed my best friend's parents, but it also wasn't. This wasn't the snake faced man with blood red eyes and who hissed when he spoke.
As a hypothetical situation I couldn't reconcile it and now as a reality I couldn't either. I needed answers, before any of this could go any further. I was so confused by my conflicted feelings.
He went to lean in again to capture my lips, but I turned slightly. I caught the flash of hurt that crossed his features. It made me feel guilty, he was opening up his feelings to me and here I was crushing them. I didn't want to hurt him, but I also needed to know if this was real. If any of this was real that I had experienced over the last few weeks, that it wasn't some grand elaborate plot.
He sighed and sat up, our heavy snogging session now over.
"You're conflicted", his voice still slightly husky, it sent shivers up my spine. I sat up as well taking my shoes off. I slid back on the bed fishing around for my pajamas, I pulled them out from under my pillow. Hello Kitty...oh well. I started undressing, his eyes watching every detail as I changed. I got back in bed under the covers. I patted the spot next to me. He looked hesitant then laid down on top of the covers.
Part of me wanted comfort from Christian, my Christian. Would he be the same now that I knew his secret? Or would he change revealing a different side of him, the Voldemort one?
"I'm still the same Hermione, I'm not Voldemort. Yes, he was a part of my past. I have some of his memories but not all. I don't remember killing Harry's parents for instance or being resurrected at the Triwizard tournament. I know that it happened from other memories, but I don't recall them specifically. It's like watching a past life, it's me but not me. I don't know how else to explain it. I knew you would figure it out eventually, you're too observant but I couldn't stay away. You intrigue me". The way he looked at me I knew he was sincere, either that or he was extraordinary at acting. I wanted to believe him, and I felt I did. I was just scared now to completely trust him, even though I really had no reason not to. He was here in my bed, and I had wanted him literally inside me only moments ago. That alone should be testament enough to how much I do trust him. But that's not the issue is it?
"You don't trust me, do you? After everything", I could feel my heart breaking at his tone. He sounded like the scared little unloved orphan boy. That was rejected by Dumbledore and then ostracized from there on out. It still made me angry at him being treated that way and here I am doing the same thing. A wave of shame came over me. How can I be with him and not feel like I've betrayed Harry? Am I willing to risk my own happiness to stay loyal to my best friend?
He started to get up as I must have taken too long to answer.
"Wait Christian...Tom?", I wasn't sure what he wanted to be called. I chewed on my bottom lip as I hesitated to reach out for him. I realised later that that was the wrong thing to do.
"What am I repulsive now? Condemning me for things I haven't committed. It's Christian not Tom. I reveal apart of myself and you reject me yet again", I got the sense that some of that wasn't aimed at me, but everyone else who had rejected him in the past. But his tone still stung.
I flung myself at him hoping he wouldn't push me away, I hugged him tightly around the waist. His arms hung limply at his sides, I could feel tears burning my eyes.
"Hermione", I shook my head, burying myself in his shirt.
"Hermione", he tried to gently nudge me away.
"Hermione", I shook my head again. "No", it came out as a strangled sob. This was it, if I let him go, I probably wouldn't see him again and I was unsure If I could cope with that. I was attached to Christian, but I needed reassurance he wasn't going to turn into Voldemort again.
"I'm sorry", I said releasing one arm from around him and furiously wiping the tears from my eyes.
"What for?", his face was blank, and I hated that he hid his emotions as well as he did.
"Hurting you...it's just...I really like you and I don't want to have to give you up. But I... I'm unsure what to do about Harry, it feels wrong to betray him like this", he looked bewildered, then changed to looking angry. His jaw was clenched but I could see the muscle ticking.
"So... you don't really want to be with me?"
"I do", I didn't know how else to express how much I wanted that. There didn't seem to be enough words in the English language to convey it.
He gently placed me back on the bed and stepped away.
"You have a decision to make Hermione. I want to be with you", my heart swelled till nearly bursting at hearing those words. "But I won't be second place. I couldn't give a hippogriff's left arse cheek about Harry Potter, if I did, I could have killed him years ago easily. I can't say I regret killing his parents, but I regret being so concerned about a bloody prophecy from that lunatic. I did my Mastery in Romania, then moved to America and for the last three years I've been at MACUSA- that's it. I wanted an uncomplicated life. I want you in it. But I must leave soon to return to work, the department is useless without me. I'll leave you alone to make your decision, but know this Hermione", he got close to whisper in my ear, one of his hands gripping my chin firmly. "You. Are. Mine. No one else can have you. I may not be Voldemort, but Tom Riddle takes care of what is his", I shuddered at his words. I maybe be a fiercely independent woman, but there is something to be said for a man claiming his woman. I turned my head slightly trying follow his mouth, I wanted one last kiss if this was all I was going to get. I quickly kissed his lips before he had a chance to move to far from me. He responded by kissing me roughly, he wound his hand in my hair and tugged. I knew what he was doing, he was warning me. I knew I wanted him, but I needed time to think. All the kiss was doing was making me needy. It was turning steamy again. I can't say we lack chemistry or passion with each other. I whined as he pulled away again. He rested his forehead against mine, both of us trying to catch our breaths.
"As much as I want to stay and continue this, I can't. You need to decide what you want. I'm not going to be a pet project, I am who I am. If you can accept that then I'll be waiting". He just left me there sitting on the edge of the bed with kiss swollen lips.
As much as I could fantasize about being with him and the evenings of discussing academic theories and drinking wine. I had to be realistic, is this something I could do while actively knowing his secret and hiding it from Harry? I know I said I would do what was in my power to prevent him from being Voldemort...but I don't think that is an option anymore.
Why did matters of the heart have to be so painful and complicated? My heart is ready to give him everything, but my head is holding me back. Could I accept all of him including his darkness?
TOM POV
Fuck. Her and her self-martyring bullshit. I want to rip my own hair out in frustration. I want her, she is mine and I guess I just need to show her that I am the better choice. I've tasted her and I am never letting her go. What I told her is true I am not Voldemort, I am rather disgusted and ashamed of my former self's behaviour. I don't want to be associated with that snake faced ego maniacal madman. That is the point of the identity Christian O'Toole to start again and leave Tom Riddle behind in the past where he belongs. Part of me wonders what it would be like for her to yell out my real name in the throes of passion, but I don't want to push it. She makes me feel things like a god damn Hufflepuff, like being a better man for her. I should push her away and make her hate me, I don't need to feel these things, it will derail what I've worked for. But a small voice in the back of my mind which suspiciously resembles Maria says, 'what about your happiness? Don't you want to be happy?'. Happiness, such a foreign concept. I've never really thought about my own happiness before, much less someone else's. I'm a selfish man and I always get what I want. If Hermione makes me feel...content? Why can't I not have her? It makes logical sense to acquire the source of my happiness. Now only to get Dermott to approve that consultancy job. And what is that saying about distance making the heart grow fonder? She will come to me. If she can accept all of me and leaving behind any foolish notions of changing me. Sure, I've made concessions, but you won't see me campaigning for house elves rights any time soon.
As I am thinking about how I am going to threaten Dermott into giving me the consultancy job my phone vibrates, and I look at the message. It is from Maria.
The portrait is done, and it was successful.
Whatever you have done don't be an arse and fix it
I roll my eyes, I have two insufferable women in my life that have turned everything upside down. However, I can't stop the twitch in the corner of my mouth as I try not to smile.
Hermione POV
4 Days Later
Thursday Night 19th December 2013
Godric's Hollow
"Hermione what is up with you? You've been moping for the last four days and you look like shit" I scowled at Ginny. She didn't have to point out the truth, she could have lied or just ignored that fact.
"Gee thanks Ginny what I really wanted you to point out and you're the third person today to say that", Harry snorted, and I glared at him.
"Yep, Cormac got slapped across the face in the lunch room just for pointing that out, not that he doesn't deserve to be slapped every day, so beware of Hermione's wrathful mood", he said picking up his glass of water than taking a sip.
"That wasn't why I slapped him Harry although really, I could have just for that, but it wasn't. He said the reason why I was looking like shit was because I needed a good shag and he was available if I wanted one in the storage closet down the hall", I wasn't that desperate, and plus I wasn't really sure the hell was going on with Christian and I. It hasn't helped that I haven't been able to sleep, I keep waking up from vividly explicit dreams of Christian and I doing all sorts of naughty things that I wouldn't want to speak out loud to anyone, and then I get an image of Harry's face marred by betrayal. The guilt is eating me alive.
"What is up Hermione you look like you've barely slept at all these last few days? It's not Christian is it? Did you break up...or whatever it is you two are doing?", I looked at both of them contemplating how much or how little of the truth I should tell them.
"I'm not really sure to be honest. I'm really confused at the moment about my feelings for him", ok well that was the truth and pretty much sums up the situation in a nutshell.
"Did he hurt you?", Harry said his voice turning stern almost fatherly. I rolled my eyes.
"No he didn't, I hurt his feelings", I couldn't make eye contact, because I know I did hurt his feelings and I feel so ashamed of that fact especially more so because of what I knew about his childhood.
"What did you do Hermione?" Harry asked then Ginny chimed in, "Something foolish most probably", my head snapped up, what did she mean by something foolish?
I closed my jaw after I realized I had my mouth open in offence. I most probably looked like that fair game with the clown heads and you put the balls in their open mouths.
"Foolish? What do you mean foolish?", I slapped my hand down on the table, for emphasis.
"Let me guess miss Hermione Jean Granger, you were noble and loyal and self sacrificing", damn she had me pegged. I pursed my lips in annoyance.
"I'm right aren't I? This isn't about Ron again is it?", I sigh I can't exactly say it's about Harry without detailing all the other things which I'm not going to mention. It would ruin everyone's life, especially since we've all been living peacefully for the last five years. Hell, even Tom/ex-Dark Lord/Christian has been.
" He said he wants to be with me but doesn't want to be in second place. I need to decide how I feel and make a decision. He'll be waiting me", saying that out loud, it's even more clear how much of a selfish so and so I was. I'm playing his emotions again, I feel like dirt. The words pet project echoed through my mind. Is that really what he thought? That I was being with him for a sense of charity and sacrificing myself for a noble cause? I groaned.
"Oh Hermione, you really are so smart and so dense at the same time, it's remarkable how you get anything done".
"What?", I snapped. I was already feeling like shit I didn't need them to mock me and rub it in.
"It's all good to be noble and self-sacrificing, but there comes a point where you need to think about your happiness and take a chance. Harry go away and let the girls talk, ju-", right then the floo flared and Ron came stumbling in. He took one look at me and grinned.
"So, did mystery man dump you did he? I told you he would get bored of you", I rolled my eyes he was so off the mark. The only pleasure I can take from this is that if he knew who Christian really was, he would shit his pants. I stifled a smile, not that I should smile at that. Now I knew who Christian was or is or something, is that the little things make sense now. Like the disemboweling comment, I wonder if he has done that?
"No Ron I stuffed up and I am trying to figure out how to fix it", his face dropped, really did he think I would what? Instantly run back to him after last week, I don't think so.
"Harry go away and take Ron with you please? I need to fix Hermione's mess", I watched as she shooed them down the hall, Ron protesting because he wanted to stay and listen to what I had done. He got a whack over the head instead. I could hear Harry say to him "you don't argue with women just go with it". That is correct Harry, how very mature of you.
"Ok now spill. I know you're not giving the whole truth, so what is it? Is it embarrassing? Is he a bad kisser?", she handed me a glass of wine and I watched the liquid swirl around the glass as I thought about my answer. I decided to give her a half truth, not much gets past Ginny.
" What I said before was correct. He thinks that he may be a pet project for me to change him and asked that I accept him for who he is. He can be dark Ginny and it makes me a little uncomfortable. I know he uses dark magic especially for his job and I'm partly holding that against him. I know it's not all black and white like we thought in school and what Dumbledore told us. What I'm trying to say is I'm not sure I can accept his level of darkness", I hoped all that made sense to her and it was the truth.
"Ok...well is he a bad kisser?"
"Ginny!" I exclaimed in exasperation.
"Come on just tell me. Now that you're not with my brother I was hoping you would loosen up a little and give me some details". I rolled my eyes. I didn't want to think about kissing him, because it was all I could think about these last few days.
"Yes, he is a great kisser. There's so much passion and chemistry between us, it can be a little overwhelming", I stood up and paced in front of her while it all spilled out. "The kiss with Christian was life changing, as silly as it sounds. It was like time had stopped in that moment, it is the best kiss I have ever shared with anyone. It made me come alive after what felt like a long hibernation, as soon as our lips touched and his tongue mingled with mine, my world twisted upside down and something deep inside me clicked into place. I never experienced that with Ron and most likely to never experience it with anyone else again". I stopped and looked at her and she sat wide eyed, looking me like she has never seen me before.
"Where is my Hermione and what have you done with her?", she cracked a smile.
"Be serious Ginny", I flopped back down on the couch.
"Ok ok. Look you are stupid to give what you have together up. I feel like you will regret it later on if you don't give it another go. That's just what I think, from what you have told me. Hermione, everyone has a dark side, it's just how much you are willing to show the world. So, what if he works with dark magic, someone has to do it. Does he value you? Protect you? Challenge you? Respect you? And care for you?", I nod to all those things, because I did know he did. How much I cannot say, Voldemort had always claimed to never love nor care for anyone or anything except Nagini his giant snake.
"Well then what's to think about? You're obsessing and I think your just trying to avoid getting your heart broken again after Ron. Do what you want but I think you're making a mistake", I thought about what she said of course she didn't know about the Voldemort part. If it was just Christian, perhaps but knowing it's the ex-dark lord changes it slightly. Could I get past it? What are his plans? Does he even have any? He's done nothing in five years, no grand plans of taking over. Just toiling at a regular job at the American ministry. Maybe I was right, and he just wants an uncomplicated life of what could have been without Voldemort existing.
Tom POV
"Dermott you better make it happen or I'll curse you in the most painful ways imaginable", I was growing frustrated at his insolence. I pinched the bridge of my nose, taking a deep breath to try to calm down.
"You do know that I am your boss Christian, you cannot talk to me like that"
"I couldn't care less if you were a Blast Ended Skrewts uncle, I want that consultancy job Dermott. I want to translate that tablet with unlimited access. Do it or you can say goodbye to Pascale, that menace of a man is an idiot as you said so it will be of no great loss to the family tree. Make it happen!", I hung up my temper rising. I nearly lost myself then and I cannot risk that happening. Why are there so many idiots in the world?
My phone beeps again and I look down hoping it is Dermott telling me I have the job. All he has to bloody do is tell them I'm coming how hard is it? It is not Dermott, but Hermione.
I miss you
It is not exactly what I want, she can continue to hide a little longer, but at least she is thinking about me and not someone else. If she was then she better be prepared for them to suddenly disappear. I am the only man for her. I type out 'me too'. I want her to understand I am still upset by her actions. I will not be played or made a fool of. I'm not looking to be saved, I want her to - that foul word- Love me. I want her to love me anyway. Love me for me. Acceptance. Something I've never had. I roll my eyes at my internal monologue, merlin I've turned into a sap. Dumbledore would be rejoicing right now, if the bearded bastard was still alive.
My phone vibrates in my hand. It is Dermott.
"This better be good news Rousseau", I snap.
"When did you become such an asshole? I hate you", he mumbled something else under his breath like good riddance. I could care less about his ridiculous feelings.
"Dermott I've always been an arsehole and yes, it is a skill engendering the hatred of those around me, it usually keeps them out of my business. Now tell me"
"Yes, I have palmed you off to the British Ministry, they can deal with your prickly personality. I'll email you the details", this time it was him that had hung up. I smirked, yes Hermione I am coming. She is going to be surprised when I turn up at the ministry in a week or so time.