Key:
Normal text is for the reactions of the Freelancers and their host
Bold is the footage they are watching
Bold, Italic, and Underline together denote song lyrics
[Text within brackets denotes a form of speech Maine is going to use]
-Line Break-
"What in Sam Hill is a puma?"
-Sarge, RvB
-Line Break-
"Let's get this episode started." said Ivan, as he pressed the play button.
*Begin episode 2*
Red gets a Delivery
The camera fades in to Grif and Simmons walking up to Sarge.
"Hurry up ladies." Sarge said in his southern accent, "This ain't no ice cream social."
"Ice cream social?" muttered Connie.
"Ice cream social?" echoed Simmons.
"Stop the pillow talk you two. Anyone… want to guess… why I gathered you here… today?"
"Why is he talking so slow?" asked South.
"Yeah, I hope that doesn't become a thing." agreed Ivan.
"Uh… is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?" Grif asked hopefully.
"That's exactly it Private." Sarge replied, his voice dripping with sarcasm, "War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero; we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float. And Simmons here is IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!"
"I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir." replied Grif.
"God DAMN it, Private! Shut your mouth, or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep!"
That declaration certainly threw everyone for a loop.
"He wouldn't actually do that right? Simmons, I mean." asked Connie.
"Oh, I'd do it, too." chimed Simmons.
"I know you would, Simmons." Sarge praised, "Good man."
"I guess that's your answer, Connie." replied York.
"They're just as hopeless as I remember." muttered Wyoming, surprising everyone except Tex and Florida.
"You know these guys, Reggie?" asked North, "How?"
"Well, you see-"
"What did I say about spoilers?" Ivan cut in.
"Sorry."
"Couple of things today, ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One."
"Increase in ranks? That can only mean one thing." said York.
"They're getting a Rookie." chorused the Freelancers.
"Crap. We're getting a rookie." grumbled Grif.
"That's right, dead man." replied Sarge, "Our new recruit will be here within the week. But today, we received the first part of our shipment from command."
Grif and Simmons looked at each other as Sarge turned to shout something.
"Lopez. Bring up the vehicle."
Hearing Sarge's call, Lopez drives up in a Warthog and parks next to Sarge.
"Shotgun!" called Simmons.
"Shotgun!" Grif shouted immediately after before realizing he was too slow, "Fuck."
"Gotta be quicker, Grif." commented North.
"May I introduce," Sarge started, "our new light reconnaissance vehicle." The camera focuses on the jeep as Sarge starts to list off its features.
"It has four-inch armor plating, mag bumper suspension, a mounted machine-gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen! This is the M12-LRV! I like to call it the Warthog."
"Everyone calls it that." South said critically.
"Why 'Warthog' sir?" asks Simmons.
"Why did people choose 'Warthog' as a nickname for it, of all things?" Ivan asked aloud.
"Because M12-LRV is too hard to say in conversation, son."
"No but… why 'Warthog'?" Grif asked, "I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig."
"Say that again?"
"I think it looks more like a puma."
This made Florida think for a second before nodding his head.
"I can see it."
"I guess," said Tex "but I think 'Warthog' sounds cooler."
Maine simply stared at the screen, trying to figure out why this sounded familiar.
"What in Sam Hill is a puma?" demanded Sarge after a short pause.
This caused South to raise an eyebrow.
"Does he seriously not know what a puma is?"
"Uh, you mean like the shoe company?" asked Simmons.
South shook her head at this.
"Do none of them but Grif know what a puma is?"
"No, like a puma." Grif replied, "It's a big cat, like a lion."
Maine blinked under his helmet. So that was why Sarge had asked him whether or not he thought the Warthog look like a big cat on Sidewinder.
"... You're makin' that up." said Sarge.
"I'm telling you, it's a real animal!" Grif insisted. Sarge turned to Simmons in response.
"Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal."
"Yes, sir!"
"I can already tell that's going to be a recurring thing." Ivan said.
"What?" asked Connie, "The whole 'Puma vs Warthog' thing or 'Sarge threatening Grif' thing?"
"Or 'Simmons being a kiss-ass'?" South added.
"Yes."
"Look, see these two tow hooks?" Sarge continued, gesturing towards the front of the jeep, "They look like tusks. And what kind of animal has tusks?"
"Several, actually." said Wyoming.
"A walrus." replied Grif.
Now York raised an eyebrow.
"That one certainly came out of left field."
"Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?"
Maine let out a raspy sigh. The old man was even more senile than he first thought.
The camera then cuts to a view of the Red soldiers through a sniper scope.
"What is that thing?" asked Tucker, as Church lowered the rifle.
"I don't know." he replied, "It looks like, uh… Looks like they got some kind of car down there. We better get back to base and report it."
"A car?" Tucker cried incredulously, "How come they get a car?"
"Oh, calm down Tucker. You guys get a tank soon." Tex scolded.
"Grrrrrrrrr." growled Maine.
"What?"
"I think he was warning you about spoilers." Wyoming said, attempting to translate, "because of the kid."
"Don't worry about it too much," Ivan assured them, "We already saw in the opening that they get a tank, so it's not that big of a deal. We also saw that Tex shows up at some point, even if she hasn't been introduced yet."
"Oh yeah," North agreed, "You do show up at some point, don't you. Why is that?"
"Watch the video, and you'll find out." was all the response he got.
"What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop." Church responded.
"Why does he care so much anyway?" asked Connie?
"Wait for it." Tex said in response.
"You can't pick up chicks in a tank." Tucker grumbled.
"There it is."
"Are you fucking kidding me?" groaned South.
"Oh, you know what? You could bitch about anything, couldn't you?" Church snapped, "We're gonna get a tank, and you're worried about chicks.
"What chicks are you even gonna pick up?" asked York, "Tex hasn't shown up yet, so that entire canyon is a total sausage-fest."
"What chicks are we gonna pick up, man?"
"That's what I said!"
"You know they can't hear you, right?" asked Tex.
"And yet you basically scolded Tucker when he first started complaining about the car, even though they can't hear us."
"Touché."
"And secondly, how are you gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?"
"What kind of car is it?" asked Tucker, prompting Church to pick the sniper rifle back up to look at it again.
"I don't know, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like a, uh… like a big cat of some kind." Tucker took a moment to absorb this.
"What, like a puma?"
"Yeah man, there you go."
"Well, South, at least more than one person in that canyon has heard of a puma." joked North.
"Thank god, at least they aren't all total idiots." the female twin muttered.
The camera then cuts back to the Red soldiers.
"So unless anybody has anymore mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle," said Sarge, "we're gonna stick with the Warthog. How about it Grif?"
"No sir. No more suggestions." the orange soldier replied dejectedly.
"Are you sure?" Sarge started to taunt him, "How 'bout Bigfoot?"
"It's okay." Grif replied, hoping the old soldier would just drop it and move on.
"Unicorn?"
"No, really. Uh, I'm cool."
"Sasquatch?"
"Leprechaun?" suggested Simmons.
"Hey, he doesn't need any help, man." Grif shot.
"Phoenix?" Sarge continued, causing Grif to sigh.
"Christ."
"Hey, Simmons! What's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats?"
"Uh, that would be the Chupacabra, sir."
"Hey Grif! Chupa-thingy, how 'bout that? I like it. Got a ring to it." Sarge says as the camera fades to black.
*End Episode 2*
Ivan stood up and turned towards the Freelancers.
"So," he began, "any thoughts?"
"They're idiots, not much to it." replied South, and most of the Freelancers agreed.
"At this point I just want to know how Tex and Wyoming end up fitting into this." North said, putting in his own two cents. Connie was actually pretty curious about that too.
"If that's all, let's start the next one." Ivan replied, starting the next episode.
*Begin Episode 3*
The Rookies
With a title like that, are we going to meet Donut and Caboose? Thought everyone.
The scene fades in with Simmons turning to Grif standing on top of Red base again.
"Hey, that's not exactly what happened." claimed the maroon soldier.
"Yes, it is!" The orange soldier insisted, "You said, 'I'm not going to the Vegas Quadrant', and then the next thing I know, you're in an escape pod headed for-" Only to be cut off as a soldier in bright red armor, who isn't Sarge, walks up to them.
"Excuse me, uh, sirs?" he begins nervously.
"'Sirs'?" echoes Grif as he and Simmons turn towards the new arrival, "Aw, crap."
"Hey, look! There's the rookie. Kind of reminds you of when Wash was recruited into the Project, doesn't it?" North pointed out. Maine growled in response, probably agreeing with North.
"I don't remember him calling anyone 'sir' though." York said with a smirk.
"I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost Number One and speak to whoever's in charge?"
"Sorry man, Sarge is at Command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today."
"Actually, Private," corrected Simmons, "he left me in charge while he's gone."
"You are such a kiss-ass." said Grif.
"Also, he told that if I had any trouble from you I should:" continued Simmons before he cleared his throat and proceeded to do a poor impersonation of the Sergeant "'Git in th' Warthog n' crush yer head like a tomato can'." Grif simply stared at Simmons before responding.
"That's the worst impression I've ever heard."
"Of all time." said all the Freelancers, causing Ivan to pause the video look at all of them with a slightly confused expression.
"What was-" he began before South cut him off.
"Inside joke."
"Grrrrrrr." added Maine. Ivan looked at the tall mute.
"We have got to come up with some way for you to help us understand you." This caused Maine to think for a minute before having an idea. He turned towards the teenaged prince and mimicked the motions for writing. Ivan quickly understood what Maine was trying to tell him.
"You want a notepad and pen? That's a good idea, but I might have a better one." Ivan then concentrated for a moment before summoning an electronic tablet and handing it to Maine.
"Here, it's got a text-to-speech program. You can choose to type in what you want to say, or there's a stylus in case you prefer to write it out." Maine opened the program and typed out his first message.
[Thanks, kid.] Ivan smiled in response.
"You're welcome, what were you trying to say earlier?"
[I was just trying to let you know that you will get to see the whole 'Of all time thing' in the future.] Ivan nodded at this as he picked the remote back up and resumed the episode.
"Gotcha. Now, let's get back to the video."
"Okay, Rookie. What's your story?" asked Simmons, ignoring Grif.
"Private Donut reporting for duty, sir." answered Donut, "I'm ready to fight some aliens."
"You're in for a bit of a rude wake-up call, then." Ivan said, grimacing slightly.
"Couple things here, Rookie." said Grif, "First off, Private Donut? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armor color?" This confused Donut a little.
"This is the standard issue red." he replied.
"Yeah, I know. Listen, only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor: officers and recruits. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer."
"That seems a little backwards to me." commented Ivan, "Shouldn't it be that only officers can wear colors aside from 'standard issue'?" South looked at him, rolled her eyes, and shrugged.
"They're Sims. Who cares? It doesn't matter."
"Y'know, I would ask what you mean by 'Sims' since you people keep calling them that. But I'd rather not risk spoilers."
"Whatever."
"Well, he's wearing red armor." Donut tried to counter, gesturing towards Simmons.
"No, my armor is maroon." corrected Simmons, "Your armor is red."
"Well how do I get a different color of armor?" Simmons sighed at the antics of the new recruit and turned to Grif.
"I'll bet the Blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap." At this, the camera changes to Blue Base. Church and Tucker are standing beside a tank, admiring it with the Blue Rookie while he talks to them.
"And there's Caboose, I guess." pointed out Connie, "Is that right?"
"Yup." confirmed Tex.
"So I say to the guy, 'How are you gonna get the tank down to the planet?' And he goes… 'I'll just put it on the ship.' And I go… 'If you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?'"
"Hey kid." Tucker cut him off.
"Yeah?"
"You're ruining the moment. Shut up."
"Oh. Okay. You got it, man."
"You know what?" Church thought aloud, "I could blow up the whole goddamn world with this thing." The camera then cuts back to Red Base.
"Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal." began Simmons.
"I just refuse to call him Private Donut" interrupted Grif.
"We've got a very important mission for you." Simmons continued, ignoring Grif, "You think you can handle it?"
"Absolutely." Dout replied confidently.
"We need you to go to the store and get two quarts of elbow grease."
"Yeah and, uh, pick up some… headlight fluid for the Puma too." added Grif, immediately catching on to what Simmons was trying to do.
York raised an eyebrow and smirked slightly at what was happening.
"Are they doing what I think they're doing?"
"The what?" asked Donut.
"He means the Warthog." clarified Simmons.
"You do know where the store is, right rookie?" asked Grif.
"What?" Donut asked before catching himself, "Uh- Yeah! Yeah, of course I do! Sure, no problem."
"Well, get going then." Simmons told him, causing him to turn and run off.
"Other way." Grif called after him, causing Donut to do a 180.
"I knew that." Donut claimed. "Just got turned around, that's all."
"Are you kidding me?" asked Ivan, "I've never even been in the military, but even I could recognize from a mile away that he's getting hazed."
"Don't worry too much. It's tradition to mess with the new guy a little." said Wyoming.
Simmons and Grif watch as Donut runs off before Simmons turned to Grif.
"How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?" he asked the orange soldier.
"I'd say… at least a week." He answered. The camera then cuts to Donut as he stops a short while away from the base and turns back to look at the two.
"Elbow grease?" he muttered incredulously, "How stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I'm gonna talk to the sergeant." He then turns and continues on his way to the nonexistent store.
"You had it for a second, and then lost it." Ivan sighed.
"I don't know what you expected." replied South.
"Neither do I."
The camera then cuts back to Blue Base.
"You know what?" said Tucker, "Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks apiece."
"Y'know, I kinda like Tucker." smirked York.
"Yeah, he's a bit of a rascal." agreed Florida.
"Wait, how-?"
"Unfortunately, I can't tell you."
"Aww…"
"You'll find out soon enough, York." Tex chimed in.
"Oh man, listen to you!" groaned Church, "What are you going to do with two chicks?"
"Church, women are like Voltron." Tucker explained, "The more you can hook up, the better it gets."
At that, Connie and South decided that they definitely do not like Tucker.
The camera then cuts back to Red Base again, as Simmons turns to Grif.
"You think we were too mean to the kid?" he asked.
"Nah," replied Grif, brushing off the maroon soldier's concerns, "he'll just wander around on the cliff for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?"
"Aaaaaannnd you jinxed it." sighed North.
The camera then cuts to Donut spotting Blue Base.
"Finally, there it is!" he cried happily, making his way towards it as the screen fades to black, "Oh, sweet! They sell tanks!"
*End Episode 3*
"Called it." said North.
[Can't wait to see that trainwreck.] commented Maine.
"Yeah," agreed Connie, before she looked at the bowl of chips and saw it was empty.
"I'm gonna get a quick refill, and then we can start the next episode.
Author's Notes
And Chapter 2 is up! Not a whole lot to go over, that I can think of. Just replying to reviews. As per usual, if you enjoyed the fic and want to see more, make sure to follow it. And as always, I am open to constructive criticism.
Replies:
djmegamouth
I'm not sire what you mean, I'm starting from season 1. However, I will try to shorten them in the future.
The Richmaster
Indeed, I wouldn't really know where to start otherwise.
D3F4LT
I'll try, but school starts in September, plus I'm lazy. Either or both of those things will probably end up delaying chapters.
RWBYSTRQ
Thank you.
IronMan1337
I will skip a good portion of Season 14, plus I intend to skip the parts of episodes in Seasons 9 and 10 that are just flashbacks to Project Freelancer. I'm willing to bet that the Freelancers aren't gonna want to watch that.
MKDemigodZ-Warrior
I will show some of Season 14.
As for Greek Underworld, it's mostly just a creative choice I made. I do plan on explaining why they didn't end up in some other afterlife, Christianity or otherwise, in a later chapter.
Shiranai Atsune
I just meant that I didn't see any the way I wanted it done. I will make use of the wikia scripts, don't worry about that.
Something321
Thank you very much for the support!
djmegamouth
I'm happy to hear that.
Shiranai Atsune
Maine kept his helmet on because… I don't know. I'll probably have him take it off at some point. Maybe.
Lizard
I'm happy to hear that!
The Richmaster
Well, the Freelancers already saw in the opening that Tex shows up at some point, so they would end up bugging her regardless. Flowers shows up in a later season before we find out why he was there, and the Freelancers would recognize him immediately. So again, they'd still end up bugging him about it. I am excited to see their reactions too. Or I guess, I'm excited to see what I come up with.
Xenvic
That is exactly what I plan on doing.
Anonymous Guest
Thank you, I'm happy to hear that. I will try to do that, but school starts in September, so that's going to cause some issues. Also I'm lazy.
AChunkyM0nkey
That is what I plan on doing, but keep in mind that future episodes get longer, so I'm going to have to do one episode per chapter if I want to upload more often.