Suicide

Warnings: Suicidal thoughts and strong insecurities.

To understand this, I strongly recommend that you read at least the first chapter. Lately I've been feeling really depressed, so one day I just decided to forget about homework for half an hour and just write about how I was feeling, and that started this one-shot.

Disclaimer: I own nothing you can recognize.

Percy held the knife in his hand. One stab, right in the heart, and it would all be over. It would end the loneliness, the pain, the helplessness he felt whenever something did not work out the way it needed to, and everyone seemed to forget all the successful things he had done. Down below, he heard the rest of his family laughing as they prepared to eat dinner. Did they even notice that he was gone? Did they even realize the sharp, stabbing pain that he felt when they ignored him, or treated him like trash? Did they even suspect that something was wrong? No, probably not. No one had ever noticed his silent scream for help, except for Pansy, Blaise, and Draco, and they couldn't do much about it. Everyone else had always thought he was just a stuck-up nerd who didn't care about anyone or anything. In their defense, however, he has started putting his walls up at about the age of 9, and they probably just thought that he was that way all along. They didn't know that he remembered everything about the First Wizarding War, remembered the hiding, remembered the fear, and remembered having to take care of his younger siblings and mother, because he had always been a mature person, even at 4. That was the problem, though, wasn't it? He remembered everything, and now he wanted to remember nothing.

He raised the knife, watching the light glint off the dark blade, long and sharp and deadly. They didn't care. They had never cared about him. He took a few minutes to admire the dark beauty of the blade, angling it this way and that to see how the light reflected off it. Getting up, he lay down on his bed, raising the knife above him. He had always been the odd one out, hadn't he? The one no one wanted to be with. The one who could never do anything right. Well, now he was going to finally kill himself. That would go alright, wouldn't it? How could anyone mess up stabbing themselves? It was just dropping the blade, using a little magic to increase its weight, and it would all be over. A little voice in his head protested. You don't want to die. You know you can have something else, something better. You know you deserve happiness. How are you going to get that if you die now? You'll never know what it feels like to fall in love, to laugh with others, to feel safe, to know someone cares about you if you do this. Percy squeezed his eyes closed for a moment, pushing the voice to the back of his mind. He had to do this. It was the only way he would ever win.

Suddenly, he heard a knock on the door. Rolling off his bed, he quickly stuffed the knife under his bed and cast a quick Disillusionment charm on it. He then walked to the door and opened it. Outside, Bill and Charlie stood staring at him.

"What," Percy snapped irritably. He wanted to get back to what he was doing, and he most certainly did not want to deal with his two older brothers, who had tormented his youth. Bill immediately frowned, but Charlie rested a hand on his older brother's arm. Charlie looked at Percy quizzically.

"Are you alright, Perce?" he asked, sounding worried. "You look upset."

Percy's scowl deepened. Not only did Charlie have the gall to disturb him, he also had the nerve to sound worried about Percy. Percy knew that no one could feel that way about him, and he did not appreciate Charlie pretending to. He hated people who pretended to care for someone when they actually didn't.

"Of course I'm upset! What are you disturbing me for? I thought I made it perfectly clear that I was not to be disturbed under any circumstances."

Charlie still looked concerned. "We just wanted to let you know that dinner was ready. You didn't eat lunch, so we thought that you might be hungry and want to eat something. You should, you're very skinny."

Percy gaped at Charlie for a minute, then turned around and slammed the door. Or tried to, at least. Charlie stuck his foot in the door, and forced it open. "No. You are coming to dinner, whether you like it or not. I will not let you mope up here doing who-knows-what when we're all downstairs having fun."

Percy was starting to lose his patience. "Just tell Mum that I'm fine and she shouldn't worry."

Charlie looked even more worried. "We're not doing this for her. We're doing this because we care about you. Now come on, they'll start without us if we don't hurry up."

Percy stared at the two for a little longer, then pushed past them to go downstairs. He didn't believe them even a little, but still, it was nice to be able to pretend. Right now, he was grasping at strands of hope that could snap at the slightest tremble, but he couldn't bring himself to care much. If things went badly, he still had the knife. It was nice to pretend.

Well that was depressing. I was originally planning on starting really sad, then ending with Percy having more hope than he actually ended up with. Looking back at it though, I think it's more accurate this way.