21/11/17
"It's three in the morning."
"I know," a shuddery breath accompanied the small reply, shaky and nervous. Nervous and shaky and tired. So very tired. "But I was thinking about you." She didn't just say that. She didn't. (she did). She did, but why would she say that. Regina thought back to the whining Emma who was crying in the bathroom because all she longed for was a friendship, so it wasn't really a huge shocker to hear her say she was thinking about her. But she wasn't thinking about her in that way. She was just, thinking about her. But not in the way Regina thought about her.
It was weird hearing her voice again. Even if it had only been a week. But there was a slight slur accompanying her words, and Regina just prayed that fatigue was to blame. But then again, this was Emma.
Were you still thinking about me when you dropped off of the face of the earth?
"I have to be up early tomorrow Emma, now's not really an appropriate time."
"There never really is an appropriate time with you Regina."
She could hear the smile in her words, and although a deep-rooted part of her had missed the snarky comments and the jokes and the lightness she felt at Emma's words, she steeled her mood. Eyes barely even focusing on anything anymore as the room hazed around her. Her free hand falling to clamp around the bed sheets, sheets that'd gone surprisingly cold under her touch. But it helped just to keep that ounce of reality in check. Taking in a long breath before replying.
"What do you want Emma?"
There was a shadow of her own sigh on the other end of the line. And then Emma was whispering.
"Am I not allowed to call you now?" Emma laughed out through strained gasps, she clearly wasn't finding this as amusing as she'd been trying to play off. Regina let out an unimpressed grunt. "Alright fine, I've had a bit to drink, and I miss you."
She didn't mean that. She didn't mean she'd missed her like that. She'd missed the company. And she'd missed the…it didn't matter. Because she didn't mean it in the way Regina would have wished she'd meant it.
"You're drunk," she sighed. "Tell me why I'm not surprised."
"I never said I was drunk, I said I'd had a drink." She swallowed, mumbling her next comment, "didn't realise that was such a crime."
Regina bit down on her lip. Eyes flickering to the digital clock on her bedside table, sighing at the reminder of the time she'd been woken. And for what? For this? For Emma to be sat on the other end of the phone spewing out her drunken confessions and late-night regrets.
She wanted so badly to feel rejoiced, to finally bathe in that feeling of having the missing piece brought back to her after what had felt like centuries. But her mother was right. She was stubborn. Too stubborn for her own good. And for some reason she couldn't quite let herself feel even slightly at ease with Emma reaching out to her again.
"Look at what I sent you."
"You haven't sent me anything."
"Yes, I did."
"No, you didn't."
"I'm sure that I…" there was a muffled kind of struggle on the other end of the phone before a relived kind of oh was heard and, "well…I've sent it now," there was a fine mask of embarrassment in her tone and Regina couldn't help but let another sigh envelope their conversation.
"Emma I really need to-"
"Regina just open the goddamned message."
The brunette startled at the sudden sobriety of the actress's voice, and after a long sigh she finally opened the message.
"What am I supposed looking at right now?" Regina could hear the shrug on the other end of the phone, and for some reason she could practically envision the dumbfound look on the blonde's face as she tried to ignorantly hide her (not so hidden) agendas.
"I think it's pretty obvious what it is," Emma laughed nervously before continuing through a sigh, "but I found it when I was deleting some pictures off of my phone," there was a disheartening 'I don't care' attitude in her reply, but also a desperate kind of whine in the slur that couldn't be easily feigned off as nothing. Regina wasn't sure enough on whether she was grateful for the alcohol acting as a useful kind of lie detector, or if this was just making this whole situation a lot harder to be in.
She didn't reply, and instead looked down to the picture once more. It was from Emma's premier. A selfie they'd taken quickly at the after party and never really brought up again. Her eyes studied the details of it all, of how close they'd been and how far they'd drifted in such a short space of time. She felt sick and her mind was a flurry of rocketing insanity and she really just had no idea how someone who'd mattered so little to her at one point, had grown to be one of the very few people she just knew she would care for, for a lifetime.
"Is that really all you wanted to tell me, because if so, I just want to express how much of a waste of time this has been."
"And here I was thinking you'd missed me." Emma laughed lightly, obviously a little hurt by the rejection. Regina scoffed at the remark, trying to keep anything from slipping her cold exterior.
"What on earth gave you that impression," she heard another shrug, but didn't get a reply. She waited all the same. Even if her own reply had been an open-ended insult.
"A hunch," her answer was so blunt, so sure and final. And Regina wasn't really sure what she should say next. "It's a cute photo though, huh?"
Regina nestled a hand into her hair, pulling it up and out of her face. Letting her eyes fall shut again. "Yes," was her short answer, she wasn't prepared to give anything more. She heard Emma let out another breathy kind of laugh.
"I should probably leave you to it."
"That's probably for the best." It wasn't. she knew it wasn't. it was probably for the worst. But it was also definitely for the best, because as much as Emma needed someone, Regina shouldn't be that someone.
A pause.
"Regina."
Another, much longer, pause.
"Yes, Emma."
A breath.
"Will you still listen when I talk?"
It took a second for Regina to even process what Emma had meant. But her voice was suddenly tiny, so vulnerable and small and it clicked. Regina couldn't help but melt at the question and suddenly she couldn't remember a time that she didn't listen.
"Always."
30/11/17
"She doesn't even wear her ring anymore."
"And how do you know that."
"Twitter."
"You can't believe everything you read Zee."
"No, but I have 20/20 vision so I can see the pictures just fine," Zelena shrugged out her comment. Biting around the icing on her cupcake, not even caring enough to make eye contact with the brunette opposite as she brought about her theories over lunch. Regina sighed, picking at the salad she'd made, barely concentrating on anything else. "Besides, it doesn't take a genius to see they were never going to last."
"It's more complicated than that."
Zelena licked at the icing again, ignoring Regina's mumbled reply.
"Why don't you invite her round," she finally said through a sticky mouthful of cake. Regina grimaced at the appalling manners, but of course, her disgust was ignored by the red head who continued to devour the cake like it was her first meal in years.
"I already tried," Regina sighed out defeatistly.
"And what did she say?"
"No, obviously."
"So, try again."
"I'm not about to push her into anything she doesn't feel comfortable doing, Zelena," her friend dragged out a loud and dramatic sigh. Regina swears she would be just perfect for a telenovela.
"Your arrogance is getting boring now Regina."
"I'm not arrogant!?"
Zelena bulged her eyes out in a 'yeah okay' way, but Regina ignored the implantation, going back to pick at the salad she'd suddenly found to be the most interesting thing in the room.
"All I'm saying is, YOLO," she shouted loudly into the kitchen, standing abruptly and throwing her hands into the air. With which her cake wrapper was thrown into the same direction, Regina following the disregarded crumbs with an evil eye as she fought the temptation to clean. And then she suddenly heard what Zelena had said, furrowing her brows and pushing herself from the side.
"yo what?"
"yolo."
"Right."
"It means you only live once," Zelena rolled her eyes, cocking her head to the side, trying to edge her bold ideas into Regina's subconscious. "Just take some risks Regina, trust me you'll feel a lot better for it."
R: How are you feeling today?
E: Tired, as always. How about you?
Regina sighed wistfully, everything seemed so formal with them now. Their messages were nothing more than:
Hi
Hi
How are you?
Good, you?
Good, thank you.
And that was it. No joking around. Nothing more than a simple conversation filled with boring small talk. And Regina hated it. But she settled. She settled because it was nice having Emma actually reply consistently with no random disappearances for weeks on end in between. And it was ironic, settling for this new Emma. Because it wasn't long ago that the two were having this exact conversation as to why they were both settling for anything less than what they deserve. But this felt different somehow. Less like she was settling and more like she was…waiting. Which, however you want to take it, could very well be the exact same thing.
R: Zelena was over today, so my ears are ringing slightly.
E: That's good
Regina furrowed her brows, because for all the lack of character in her replies (and lack of sense), Emma was still replying within the same second, which must have meant that she was clearly trying to engage in some sort of talk, even if it had been the plainest between them.
R: She suggested that you come over.
She waited for a reply, a reply that never seemed to come.
R: But of course, I explained the implications there…
E: Yeah.
That broke her heart a little.
R: Do you not think that maybe we should?
E: Should what?
R: See each other.
E; Why?
That broke her heart a little more. Regina inhaled a breath. Looking over the question. This all sounded so unlike Emma.
R: Forget I said anything Emma.
E: Okay.
Regina locked her phone, not having the will to reply. Slamming it down onto the cushion next to her. She let out a muffled scream into the arm rest on the other side. She didn't lift her head till she'd felt small arms snake her waist, and a small body slot beside hers. Finding Henry nuzzling into her side when she'd looked over to the source of the warmth.
Her own arms wormed there way around her son till the two were just a curled-up ball on the sofa.
"What's up mjio," she cooed, raking her nails through the hair that wouldn't listen to the strict demands of a hairbrush and still ended up a messy mop on his head. Her nuzzled in deeper to her side, his head falling clumsily to her lap.
"I don't like seeing you sad," he sighed out, picking at the hem of her dress.
"I'm not sad," she tried to be as convincing as she could, shaking her head and laughing a gentle laugh. But when Henry turned over to face her, and he gave her that look, she felt the tears pricking at her eyes again and her stomach flipping in a sickness she'd reserved for when she was alone. "I'll be okay." She caressed his cheek with the edge of her knuckles, his eyes fluttering in a sleepy kind of motion. But then the boy yawned, and he started to mumble something inaudible into her lap. His eyes landed back on his mother when she hadn't replied, her brows furrowed in confusion as she ushered with her eyes for him to repeat himself.
"Do you want my buzz toy? he always makes me happy when I'm sad," Henry offered through genuine care, looking to her with doughy eyes and a smile that was wavering. He really was her little prince. Always trying to be so brave when she couldn't. Regina worried on her bottom lip, stroking down his hair a few more times before replying.
"Yes please."
Henry smiled again, racing up off his mother's lap and padding his way up to his room. She felt the immediate loss of his comfort. But was only left in a moments silence before the toy was thrown down in replacement to the warmth of the boy. She looked back up to meet his expecting eyes to find he was holding his rocket close in his embrace. For a while the two just shared a look, until Regina opened up her arms and Henry fell into her with a speedy kind of rush.
Having the toy in her hand made her feel suddenly warmer, but also somehow colder. Like she had the flu and her temperature was just in a constant whirlwind of confusion. Because all the toy did was remind her of Emma. For some reason it really, horribly, completley and utterly reminded her of Emma and how much she'd missed the goddamned idiot.
The two sat and watched TV for the remainder of the evening, something Regina wouldn't have usually condoned but her mind was elsewhere. And this was certainly better than having to endure watching the buzz film Emma made such a prominent feature in. And when it hit eight, the brunette shimmied her son off to bed, finding herself quite drained from just…well just everything. She didn't very much mind the idea of slipping into bed and sleeping this whole mess off ready for tomorrow to be just as bad. But when her phone rang on the table beside her, she knew her plans weren't going to be allowed to be followed through. And a sinking feeling (that was proven right) told her she knew exactly who was calling.
"Regina!" Emma called from the other end, happier than she'd heard her before. It threw her for a minute, cautiously waiting for whatever else it was Emma was planning to say. "Oh, so I don't even get a hi?" she said after a whole whiles silence from Regina.
"Hi" Regina grimaced, gritting her teeth and clamping the bathroom sink beneath her.
"It's so nice to hear your voice," she called through the speaker, her voice was definitely slurring, and she was definitely drunk. There was no doubt about that at all. Regina sighed into the palm of her hand, not even being given opportunity to get a word in before Emma continued. "You know I've never really said…but your voice is like crazy hot…like it's just really sexy Regina," she hiccupped in between her sentence. Regina sighed again, looking back into the saddening expression she wore in the mirror.
"Emma, what are you doing?"
"I think it's pretty obvious that i-I'm on the phone," Emma giggled like a school girl, drunken giggles and hiccups that were all a mirrored façade for all the sadness she was feeling deep down. And Regina knew that, she knew how sad the blonde was. And how sad all this was. And how sad she was for not being able to do a single thing about it.
"I didn't mean it like that," she mumbled, picking at the edge of the sink. "It doesn't matter…where are you?" she asked, moving back into her bedroom to hide from the reflection of the worsening tiredness that creased her face.
"I- uhhh…hm," Emma started, Regina could hear her looking round as if to find a sign of some sorts that told her where she was. Regina grazed out another, much sadder, sigh. Looking down to a single thread that was coming disjointed from her comforter. Pulling at it lightly between her fingers. "Oh, I remember, i'm in a bar!" Regina hummed out in reply.
"When did you start drinking?"
"Well what time is it now…if it's half eight that's…seven, six, five…" she faded out into the background noise until she was shrieking down the phone her final answer. "Like four I think, yeah. Four."
"How are you planning on getting home?" Regina asked, getting a little nervous now, standing from the bed and placing a firm hand on her hip as her feet started pacing up and down her bedroom. There was a moments silence.
"I'm at home."
"I thought you were in a bar?"
"Yeah well…technically the bar is my home now."
"What does that even mean Emma?" Regina stopped pacing, sighing out the stupidity she'd earnt from this one call.
"Oh, uhh. Yeah, it's actually more of a hotel now that I think about it," Emma admitted nervously, Regina could hear the tiny feat of embarrassment taking hold of her.
"You're staying in a hotel?"
"Yeah."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"Because it's none of your business?"
Regina let out an irritated groan, slapping her palm against her forehead and rubbing down on the bridge of her nose.
"Then why are you telling me now."
"Because you asked."
There was something irritatingly endearing about Emma being so arrogantly stupid, and Regina hated that she didn't hate it more.
"Where's Killian?"
"Don't know, don't care."
Regina wasn't sure how to take that. But then she heard Zelena in her head shouting YOLO in that god-awful screechy voice.
"What hotel are you in?"
Emma hesitated before answering, and Regina wasn't sure if it was because she couldn't remember or if she just didn't want to tell her. But she eventually found out the name, even if it was a mumbled mess that she could barely even make out.
"I'm sending a car down, don't move."
"What, why?"
"Just get in the car when it arrives."
There was a childish hmph on the other end of the line, but no refusal or argument. So, Regina took it as a win, hanging up the phone and laying off getting ready for bed until Emma arrived.