30/11/17

Regina hadn't stopped pacing since calling her car, having left strict instructions (and equal amounts fair warning on the fight Emma would most definitely put up) to not leave the premises until Emma was safe and on her way to Regina's. Her eyes rolled to the ceiling and she shook her head, why she had so quickly decided that it was a better idea for Emma to come over, when she was in such a state, was beyond her. Not only was this probably a huge mistake on her behalf, but it was completely unfair of her to have done so. It was unfair of her to just jump straight into Emma's business when she'd literally been told that she had no right.

But then again, what kind of person…what kind of friend would she be if she'd just left Emma to deal with the unknown hardships all on her own. Because, god forbid, the woman ever finds enough comfort in anyone else to spew all her darkest secrets. It wouldn't happen, Regina knew it wouldn't happen. Because as stubborn as she herself was, Emma was an equal match in arrogance. She threw herself into the nearest chair, hoping it would calm the storm within her. But noticing after only a moment her knee bobbing up and down in replacement to the pacing.

She had pent up emotions that were all threaded together in a knotted mess. And she couldn't quite pinpoint and pick which one she'd wanted to feel the most. Preferably none would have been ideal, but that was very obviously out of the question if her mind and heart had anything to say about it, and if her hand would just stop clamping round the arm of her chair till she could feel the blood pulsing in a desperate cry for release-

She let out an irritated groan. Her hand warming again, silently thanking her for letting go of the death grip she'd been holding for god knows how long. But her mind was still hazy, and her stomach was still churning, and her eyes anxiously watched the minutes fly by as the digital numbers changed, almost too quickly, on her phone. She let out another groan, this one pushing her up and out of her chair, continuing to pace nervously around the room. One arm stitching across her front, and the other raised to her lips as her teeth bit down into the flesh around her thumb. There was so much inside of her, so many emotions and thoughts and feelings and nothing was being resolved in the short time she'd spent plotting what she was going to say to (the very drunk) Emma when she'd soon enough come stumbling through the door.

The truth was, she couldn't understand what she was feeling. She couldn't understand why she was feeling anything. Sadness? Anger? Desire? Confusion? She was feeling it all, and all at once and her mind was foggy with delusions and mixed thoughts that wouldn't quite piece together to make sense.

It'd been twenty minutes since her driver had notified her of his arrival at the hotel. Which meant the two would be pulling up soon. Which meant she really didn't have a lot of time to focus on what the hell she was planning to do with the woman once she got here.

And then, as if Lilith herself had been plotting against her, the doorbell rang.

She froze on her spot in the living room. Eyeing the door with caution, looking like a damn dear caught in the headlights. And suddenly everything she was feeling moments before, vanished. Just…poof…gone. But she took the opportunity as it came, taking careful steps to where Emma was only separated by a thin chunk of wood. Fingers lacing into the locks, pulling them apart and the door alongside it.

And then Emma was stumbling forwards with about as much force as a weight in water. Regina, thankful that she wasn't wearing her heels, took hold of the woman, hands digging into her back as she tried with all her might to keep the woman upright. She grunted under the pressure, and was that…was that a laugh? Was Emma laughing? She looked to her driver who didn't even try to contain his confusion, one foot forward in preparation to catch both women if they fell and hands out in a mock barrier that really didn't look like it would hold much if they did.

Regina mouthed a thank you, shifting Emma's weight around so that their hips were in line, Emma's head lulling to the side so that she was nuzzling into the nape of Regina's neck. Her breath warm and sticky against tanned skin. Regina tried hard to ignore it, closing her eyes and swallowing past the lump in her throat.

Hearing the door click shit behind them she pulled one of Emma's arms around her shoulders, helping the woman to walk their way back into the living room. The blonde mumbling nothing that was making any sense into Regina's ear as they did so.

And then Emma was landing on the sofa with a loud thump, and a mirrored ahh from the blonde who was still seemingly unaware of what was even happening. Regina worried on her bottom lip, standing just a few inches from where Emma was slumped over. Thinking it best to keep her sat up right now. She, gently, pushed Emma's head backwards, till she could see the woman's face in its entirety. Glossy eyes focusing on the patterns of Regina's ceiling.

"I'm going to get you some water," she let out nervously, teeth going back to bite at the edges of her thumb. "Don't move," she added, even though she found it a completley unnecessary demand because the blonde looked no where near capable of moving right then.

She came back not long after, seeing the blonde in the same position she'd left her in, letting out a small sigh before going to sit next to Emma. A leg moving under her as she leant back into the crease of the couch. An elbow resting on the back, hands rustling through her hair till she found a comfortable position to lean in. She just sat staring for a while, she knew Emma wasn't completley unaware of her presence, but she was carefully wearing a thin-lipped frown and her eyes were dizzying around the views above her.

Slowly Regina lifted the glass so that Emma could see it out the corner of her eyes, she ignored it still. Regina sighed.

"Emma, drink."

Emma remained still.

"This would be a lot easier if you just listened to me."

She was still being ignored. Regina let out a frustrated groan, pushing up from her elbow so that she was sat completley upright. She hesitated before lifting three fingers to take Emma's chin into her hold. Gently caressing the heated skin below it, so that Emma knew she wasn't trying to force her into submission.

Emma still hadn't made eye contact with Regina, but she was compliant in following the pull of Regina's fingers till she was facing forwards. Still with that same blank expression. Regina lifted the glass to her lips, running the rim over them in hopes it would coax Emma into some sort of consciousness.

"Emma come on please, I'm just trying to help." Regina whined, no longer frustrated but just concerned. She was worried about Emma, and she hated that she cared so damn much. And she hated that Emma was too stubborn to even see it.

"Why," the blonde finally snapped, head turning in the same motion. Regina having to balance herself out to keep the glass from being knocked out of her hand completely. Dark eyes met drunk ones, and the two found themselves in an almost never-ending silence.

"Just one sip," Regina whispered. "Please."

Emma studied the expression, reading the room as her frown softened and her mouth fell open. Taking a hold of the glass Regina was still holding. Or rather, she'd taken hold of Regina's hand and the glass, so that the two were both still holding it.

The older woman felt her skin alight in a firework of explosions at the touch, pushing everything to the back of her mind so she could focus on helping Emma take small sips of the liquid.

"Thank you," the younger actress let out through a gruff whisper. Regina nodded, even if Emma's eyes had found something else far more interesting to stare at.

And then there was more silence that followed.

Until, "I mean it," Emma turned her head to Regina, hand following in pursuit to find the tanned one that had fallen back into the brunette's lap. "Thank you," Her grip was tight enough that it sent another wave of confusion to mount Regina like a fucking army fighting to the death. And she bat her eyelids, squeezing back in a haste, and stupid decision. Because then Emma was moving forwards. Inching slowly towards Regina with that look in her eyes. That look that was almost, almost, lost in all the alcohol swirling in her veins, lost in the thoughts that must have been piling through her mind and Regina knew what the right thing to do was. She knew she shouldn't let this happen. But she also knew that it would just continue to break the woman in front of her to face another rejection. But she had to do it. She turned away from the approaching blonde. Eyes fanning shut as she let go of the hand in her lap.

"Right."

Regina sighed out as the hand that was feeling warm by her side was quickly removed and thrown to lace around the blonde's waist.

"Emma, you know it's not a good idea."

"Yeah."

"Don't be like that."

"Like what," Emma turned to her with a kicked puppy expression. One that was also threaded with anger and hurt, and loneliness and every sad feeling Regina could think of. She knew this was the reaction she was going to get and yet, she still felt shame and disappointment growing in her stomach.

"Like you don't know exactly why this would be a bad idea," she added, gesturing between the two of them. Emma looked from the hand between them and back up to Regina's eyes. Taking in short raggedy breaths. "And you're drunk," she said in a quieter whisper.

"Well I'm not exactly known for making smart decisions am I? Whats so different about this," Emma mocked the gesture Regina had just made, inching backwards a tad, but not enough to notice if you weren't Regina who was secretly hoping she would just move an inch towards her instead. Regina stayed silent. It was her best option. "Exactly, nothing. It's just another one of my dumb ideas that should probably, no, definitely be ignored. Because how of stupid of me to even-"

"Because this matters."

Emma was compelled into silence at the sudden sharp tone in Regina's voice. Dark eyes diverting from their hold on Emma's, looking down into her lap as she fiddled with the hem of her dress.

"Why."

"You know why."

"No, actually, I don't."

Regina mapped out a sigh as her eyes fluttered shut once more.

"This isn't a conversation we should be having whilst your drunk."

Emma let out a muffled laugh, sounding dangerously close to a sob. And when Regina looked up, she could see tears pricking at the hazy eyes. Her first instinct was to hug her, to pull her so close into her embrace so that she would never feel so sad again. But that wasn't a smart decision. Especially not when she was partially the reason for her grievance.

"You know, I really don't understand you Regina," Emma started, shaking her head as she continued to look into the distance at nothing in particular. "One minute you're all over me, practically begging for me and then the next you're like…well," she looked down to the slouching position Regina was sat in. "You're like this." Regina could hear the hurt in Emma's voice. But she could also feel the hurt slowly brewing within her. "I mean, why did you even invite me over? Just so you could yell at me some more? Because for god's sake Regina, all you've been recently is angry with me."

"That's not fair Emma."

"No, you're right, it's not," she laughed out, biting on the inside of her cheek.

"I wasn't angry with you."

"Uh huh."

Regina sighed, trying to keep her cool.

"I was frustrated because you don't talk to me. And then you just disappear for weeks on end. And then you come back, acting as if nothings changed, as if I haven't just found you crying in the bathroom alone for god knows how long," she took in a breath, shaking her head and then, "I get frustrated because I just, I care about you. You made me care about you, and you don't even notice how much I care. At least not enough to talk to me Emma. Because that's all I want. I just want you to talk to me." She paused, breathing out heavy breaths. "You aren't exactly an open book," Regina was yelling out with everything she had left in her, with her teeth sinking deeper into her bottom lip.

"That's different."

"How?"

"Because, it just is."

"I can assure you it's no different Emma."

She let out a groan, her head falling clumsily back into the edge of the couch, Regina instinctively went to catch the back of the blonde's head. Hand fitting perfectly around the base of her skull, raking fingers gently through the blonde curls that felt matted and sticky from alcohol. She saw Emma's eyes flutter shut at the contact, and she immediately pulled away.

"It's different because you're important," she said through a gentle sob, head bowing down into her chest so that her words were barely audible. But Regina heard it perfectly, like she'd said it through a fucking megaphone, and she sat upright at the silence that followed the statement.

"What? And you're not?" she laughed at the absurdity of it, but Emma didn't reply and instead looked up to her with doughy eyes and her mouth forming the shape of an upside-down crescent moon. She furrowed her brows when she realised what that look meant. She didn't have to say it for Regina to understand. "Do you really believe that you aren't."

Emma just shrugged, biting down nervously on her lip.

"Emma, you're the most important person to m- to a lot of people right now," she caught her slip up, swallowing down the confession quickly in hopes it would make a surprise appearance again. She didn't know if Emma had heard it or not, because all she did was slump over even more. Then Regina did something she knew she probably shouldn't, she cupped Emma's face, pulling her head back up to meet her eyes. "You're so very important Emma Swan, and you don't even know it."

A silent that felt longer than the others fell between them. Every unspoken word swimming in the eyes that stuck like magnets to each other's hold.

Emma let out a sob louder than before, falling into Regina, her head landing on her chest and the rest of her body following in pursuit until Regina was lying back on the couch with a still crying Emma on top of her, wrapped in her arms and nuzzled safely into her embrace. Regina looked down, and Emma wasn't doing anything she could see, but here she was leaning against her chest, sobbing ever so gently. Holding an entire battle in her mind.

The Saddest love is to love someone, knowing that they want you. But the circumstances don't let you have them. Regina thought hard on that. Maybe she didn't know what she felt for the blonde. The blonde who was slowly becoming a safety blanket, the blonde who was still crying into her chest, the blonde who she was sure felt the exact same. The blonde who she might or might not love, but whatever the hell this was. It was painful and it was strong, and it was putting up a hell of a fight.

But she couldn't have her. And she knew she couldn't have her. They could never have each other in the way they both wanted.

She waited until she heard breathing evening out, deepening until she was sure Emma was asleep. Only then did she let herself run fingers through the gold locks, brushing them from covering Emma's face and pulling, ever so gently, at the strands to prevent them from sticking to the tears staining her cheeks. And then she spoke into the silence.

"When we first met, I had no idea you would become so important to me."

Regina had sat for…she actually didn't know how long for. But she did know that it felt too long…but at the same time, not long enough.

She was in the kitchen now, standing to face the garden through the window that showed her reflection in a heavy glow. A glass of wine in her hand and a frown on her face. Emma was only meters away from her, soundly asleep on her couch.

She'd fell silent to Regina running her fingers through her hair, and there was something so dangerously poetic about that and it made Regina want to puke at how cliché this was all becoming. It didn't feel real. And surely, surely, this wasn't real. This was all some kind of sick joke, and any minute now she was going to wake up from this nightmare that her life was slowly turning into. Because she didn't love Emma. She didn't want Emma like that. Emma didn't want her like that. Neither of them wanted anything more than what they had now-

"I assumed you'd gone to bed," Regina startled at the presence looming in the doorway behind her. Her voice was hoarse and dry, and she sounded awful. Sounded tired. Looking through the reflection to see, what she suspected to be a much more sober, Emma rocking awkwardly on the balls of her feet. She shook her head, taking another sip of her wine. "I just…came to get some water," she continued, hovering for a moment longer before going to take a glass from the side. Brushing past where Regina was leaning against the edge of the island, a faint concoction of sickly-sweet alcohol and coffee running in the air that followed. Regina took another sip of wine. Eyes pinning to the back of the blonde as she ran the tap into the glass she'd collected. Taking a few big gulps before turning to face the brunette. Subconsciously mimicking her stance as the two continued to bask in a silence.

"Thanks for taking me in."

"It's okay."

Emma took in a breath with her next gulp of water, training her eyes on the ripples that formed in her glass, Regina's still latched onto Emma's every move. She shuffled around a little to place her wine on the counter beside her, finally leaving Emma to stand glare free. Hearing the faint clatter of glass on the opposite end of the room, she presumed Emma had done the same.

"Emma, I-"

But she was shut up immediately with an Emma who was lurching forward, hands pressed to hips and lips pressed to lips. Bodies meshing into one as Emma dug nails deeper into her grip. Regina's eyes bulged open, neither pushing the blonde away, nor full engaging in anything that was happening. But when she looked up a little to see Emma kissing her with closed eyes and a frownless face, she fell into it all too quickly. Her arms reaching up to grapple around her neck, hands finding their way to blonde curls, palming at the base of her skull as she tried to deepen the kiss. She felt the brush of fingernails caressing her arms, as a trim of cool bled through the touches that led up to her hair, moaning into the slight tug of the strands as Emma tightened her grip in the dark mop.

She felt strong against her, and how could that even be a thing? How could someone feel strong against you? How was it possible to feel so safe in something you know is so stupidly wrong? Because that's exactly what this was, it was wrong. But her missing puzzle piece was finally back, and she came to realise that maybe, just maybe, for a single moment she didn't care how wrong this was. Because they fit so perfectly together, like everything in the world was just all of sudden right, and her world was right, and everything about this was right. They were right. This felt right. Being in Emma's arms, with her lips against hers, and her nails leaving a fiery wake in her skin was right. And her mind was finally free of everything she'd been thinking about. And this was it. This was what she'd been missing.

When she felt the swipe of something warm against her lips she was, rather impatiently, reminded of a dream she hadn't had too long ago, and it caused a groan to slip through her parting lips, an entrance for Emma's tongue to tangle with her own as the kiss grew hungrier and their bodies pressed further into each other and their minds wandered and their hands trembled with touches and their breathing crashed loudly in the air around them. And it was just, all so perfect-

And Regina whimpered into the kiss.

Feeling a sob catch in her throat as she pulled from Emma's lips, her head falling to the shoulders that were just unbearably close to her. Tears fell and her mind went blank and her body went numb and she felt Emma gripping on for dear life around her, adjusting them both so that Regina was just ever so slightly sitting on the edge of the island.

Emma's hand raked comfortingly against Regina's back, rubbing in circular motions as she soothed and coaxed the tears out of the woman shaking in her arms. The other hand massaging her head, so nurturing. So caring and tentative, and it made Regina feel sick. Because she knew she couldn't have this. She shouldn't have this. This wasn't hers to have. And she sobbed louder, louder, louder, until Emma was taking her chin in her fingers and pulling her head up to meet her stare.

"Hey," she whispered through a half smile, her own tears hiding in their prison. "It's okay."

Regina let out a huff of air, hands slamming against the blonde's chest as she released herself from Emma's, really fucking gentle grip.

"No Emma, nothing about this is okay." She cried out, shaking her head in guilt and anger, and confusion and everything she was feeling at the start of the night. And even through her arguments and her crying, she never, not once, tried to remove herself from Emma's embrace. And Emma didn't say anything, she just pulled her in tighter.

"Sorry, I'm not very good at this words thing, not like you," she admitted in a quiet laugh, resting her chin on the top of Regina's bowed head, rocking the two into a silence once more. "But we'll figure it out. We always do."

Regina slowly fell back into the island, letting go of Emma and instead holding onto the counter behind her.

"I don't think…" her words got caught in her throat, she was really going to throw up. "I don't think this is something we should be figuring out." Regina whispered, eyes searching for anything else to look at. Finding that Emma's sad eyes were too painful to continue to stare into. Deep pools of emotion finally spilling and staining her cheeks like paint left in the rain.

"Why not?"

"Because."

"That's not a reason."

Regina sighed. Shaking her head, and her hair along with it. Still stood partially in Emma's space, the blonde not having the will to move in case Regina really did try to chuck her out or do something just as stupid.

"You're scared Regina," the brunette's eyes flickered like a light switch back up to Emma, who's tears kept spilling at their own will. Emma didn't even seem phased by them anymore. But it was painful to see.

"I'm not scared. I'm just being practical Emma."

"What the fuck does that even mean?" This time Emma did move back. Arms folding protectively across her chest.

"It means that neither one of us is any position to be picking up…whatever the fuck this is," she got louder now, pushing off the side so that she was standing stark upright.

"Because of what? Because of Robin? Killian? Regina really?"

"Yes!" Regina started exasperated, arms flying to cross her own chest. "Exactly because of them. And…well there's other reasons far too long to list, but Emma," she started to cry again. Looking away so to try and stop the tears from escaping. Biting down on her lips before continuing. "Emma this isn't a good idea."

"You could say that about every decision ever made Regina," Emma was softer now, taking gentle steps forward until her hands were on Regina's elbows. Feeling them tense under her hold but keeping a grip on the trembling woman. "It's okay to be scared."

"You're probably still drunk."

"No, actually," Emma started to laugh a little, "This is probably the most sober and level headed I've ever felt," she beamed a genuine smile to Regina who just had to look away again before she had another breakdown. "This week without you, has been fucking unbearable to say the least. And I really…" she waited until she had Regina's eyes trained on her own again. "I really don't want to have to go through that again."

Regina felt her knees go wobbly beneath her, taking a hold on the island behind her. Gasping as she felt Emma's hand being placed on top of hers.

"Okay," Regina shuddered through shaky breaths, eyes peeling from Emma's hand and back to her glossy eyes. "But first, you have to start talking to me." Emma seemed to buckle slightly at the request but nodded all the same. Regina nodded with her, taking a hand to brush a few loose strands of blonde hair behind Emma's ear. Stroking down the side her cheek, and then down her shoulder, and then to her wrist. Eyes darting down to see fragments of bruising on the milky skin. It was barely even noticeable anymore, but it was probably more prominent because she knew just how purple the skin was coloured not too long ago.

She hesitated, caressing a thumb over the dented areas. Eyes staying trained the skin.

"Where did the bruises come from."

She heard Emma gulp, letting a breath out in a sharp exhale. Watching Regina's fingers smooth over the skin, and it made her feel warm inside. Tingly and warm and suddenly she was talking, "He gets mad sometimes, and when he does his grip is just…too tight," she shrugged it off, but the tears swimming in her eyes told Regina of all the hurt she still felt. She was trying really so very hard to keep her anger in a safe place, buried deep inside of her. But she felt a new sickness swelling in the pit of her stomach, she felt rage in the same way it was described to her in books. Like she was seeing red, and her temples were throbbing, and she wanted to throw something heavy directly into Killian's face. But right now… right now wasn't the time for all that anger to come boiling over. Now was a time for Emma. And she deserved that time.

The brunette removed her fingers from Emma's wrists, lacing them with pale fingers and holding on as she squeezed the hand held in hers. Reassuring Emma to continue. The blonde shrugged again, still not making eyes contact.

"It only happened a couple of times," she sniffled. "When he didn't think I was listening, or if I was trying to leave, or sometimes…in bed, it was sometimes worse then and he never listened to me telling him to-" she choked out the last few words but kept her calm. Regina forever eyeing her to make sure she was still okay. Feeling guilty for having Emma relive it all as she took the blonde tight into her embrace.

"He's not a nice man Regina, not when he's angry," she whimpered into Regina's hair. "But he was so easy at first. And I was young and naive, and I thought that hey, at least someone wants to love me. And suddenly it didn't matter that I was becoming less and less like myself, and I was becoming his little…his pet." She looked visibly queasy at the remark, and Regina automatically loosened her hold to give her some breathing space. But Emma just moved in closer. "It was just so…easy Regina," Emma let out a final sob into the brunette's shoulder, hands digging into the material on Regina's back. Clinging on like it was her lifeline as she just let everything out. And Regina gave her all the time she needed, only letting go when Emma finally pulled back up. Rubbing her tears away on the back of her hand, until Regina relieved her of the job. Taking gentle fingers to brush away the streams of hurt, smiling as Emma dared to stare back into her eyes. They'd both done enough crying to fill an ocean tonight. And she didn't want Emma to start reliving everything again. She got the idea, and it was enough to send a pit of fiery anger aflame in her stomach. This was enough for now. But she definitely wasn't letting this go, Killian had a hell of a storm coming his way.

"You don't ever have to go through that again Emma. Not whilst I'm alive," she forced a smile. Feeling that anger rising hotly in her throat, trying her best to keep it at bay for Emma's sake. The blonde nodded, and she looked so small. So tiny and Regina couldn't do anything but tuck her back into her arms.

"Can I…" she took in a breath. "Can I stay with you tonight?" her voice was so fucking tiny. Regina took a step back, smiling that smirk that always got Emma's butterflies in her stomach to start wing displays.

"Well, I wasn't very well going to send you back to the hotel," she laughed, caressing the sides of Emma's arms.

"No, I meant, like…with you," Emma looked directly into her eyes then, looking so vulnerable and small. And Regina felt tears pricking at her eyes before she forced a smile to lock them back into place. Holding out a hand for Emma to take. The blonde did so a little reverently, following Regina as she led the two of them upstairs.

Emma padded awkwardly across Regina's room, the brunette looked her over a couple of times to make sure she wasn't going to run. Then turned to her drawer, pulling out an oversized pyjama shirt before handing it carefully to Emma who looked so tamed in the foreign territory. She took the shirt after a while of not understanding, smiling a small thanks as Regina raced back to get her pyjamas. Closing herself in the bathroom so to give them both some breathing space.

She fell heavily against the door, eyes shutting tight, breathing in and out almost too much. Trying to just take it all in piece by piece. Realising that perhaps now wasn't the time to be thinking back to their conversations, as she felt that white hot anger spiking her veins, tingling in her fingertips.

So instead she got her pyjamas on quickly and went back outside to check on Emma…who was stood in the centre of the room. Holding her clothes, awkwardly waiting for Regina to re-appear. Regina smiled a soft smile. There was something about seeing Emma in one of her shirts. Something that sent a pang to ripple through her chest in the place her heart was beating restlessly now.

"You can get into the bed Emma."

Emma turned to said bed, nodding her head and brushing her hair out of her face.

"Oh yeah, I uhh…I didn't know which side you preferred to sleep on." She smiled a goofy smile, passing her clothes to Regina as she offered to take and place them on her vanity.

The brunette felt her heart melt at the admittance, smiling to herself before taking Emma's hand once again. Taking gentle steps towards the bed until they'd both clumsily piled into the cool sheets.

At first Emma laid completley still, but then Regina opened her arms out for the blonde. And soon she was scuffling across the mattress so she could slot herself into position. Head resting on Regina's chest, focusing on her heart beat tapping softly against her chest, and running circles in Regina's neck with gentle fingers.

Regina was stroking her hand down Emma's hair. Resting slightly on top of her forehead. Not even realising that they'd both fallen asleep a little too easily in this position.