I'll Still be Loving You
by Castlefan6
Authors Note: Thisis my AU version SEQUEL to Dinner Date, Please read that before starting this. This story picks up without any time lapse and continues with Kate and Rick as they forge ahead as a Couple and concludes the story arc started when Rick left suddenly.
I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only
Chapter 6
Previously
"Certainly, Kate, I would like you both to think of three incidents, occurrences, events or times in your life you think your partner should know and doesn't yet. Don't discuss it, just think about it carefully, then think how that event is influencing your life now if at all." Does the same time next week work for you, Dr. Burke asked, and muttered great, see you both next week.
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Castles Loft
Later the same week
Kate had tried to remember incidents that she had not told Rick about, or perhaps not the entire truth about, as she prepared for their next visit to Doctor Burke. They had just returned to the Hamptons and checked on the progress of the contractors in the renovations to what Rick was now simply calling the Summer Home. They were forced to spend one night in the Beach house that would be going to Alexis, and as much as she tried she did feel like an outsider, wondering just how many woman had been there before her.
Rick tried his very best to assure her, yes there had been other woman but none of them were her, and most occurred before they even met. No matter how she tried to rationalize it, she just couldn't get over her mind picturing him and Gina in the bed where they now lay. It bothered her so much, she got out of bed, grabbed a few blankets and relaxed on the recliner on the veranda.
She had only been outside for about twenty minutes when she heard,
"Babe, I'm sorry, I should have just booked the hotel, If I had realized it would have upset you so much, I should have been more thoughtful." He said sadly as he took her hand in his.
"Hey, It's OK Rick, it's just me, damn insecurities" she sighed sadly looking up into two concerned blue eyes, looking down on her with such love.
No matter how hard she tried, the tears were pooled in her eyes, ready to fall, as he sat beside her then pulled her on to his lap,
"I see the hurt, I see the tears, Kate, this is exactly why I bought the Summer House, it's something that's magic, untainted by other memories, just yours and mine, you know you can ask me anything right?"
"I'm not sure that would be a good idea Rick, I know you had a life before me, AND during my BITCH season, so I have no right to get jealous,"
"You're not jealous Kate, you're hurt, I know I felt the same way the many nights I was here alone, just trying to get my mind from stop writing all the romantic scenarios with you and Demming, I know how badly I hurt so, yes Babe I can feel the pain I see in your eyes.
You knew about Gina, well other than her, there weren't more than 3 or 4 women who I brought here, AND they were all before you and I met. I know that's hard to believe but ask Alexis. The nights the papers had me out romancing the hot blonde I was home with my pumpkin, betting who would make up the biggest lies,"
"Rick, I'm sorry I had no right to pry or feel the way I do, but I can't explain it, it still hurts like hell that someone else was in your bed, when it could have been me for such a long time. That was my fault, but Babe I just can't lie down beside you in that same bed."
"Kate, you thought I would bring you to this home and expect you to sleep in the same bed as other woman and me? I had the furniture replaced, as soon as Gina left, it was donated to Homes for Habitat, the receipt is on the dresser if you want to see it. I also had the room painted, and all of the linen replaced, Babe, I wouldn't ask you to come into the home any other way."
Kate's eyes begin to sparkle through her tears, "You did that for me, for Us? There wasn't even an US yet Rick, but you did it anyway, Why?"
"I never gave up on an us, never, even when we were with others, I loved you still, that sounds terrible and it really is. I was as honest with Gina as I could be, but Kate, I just couldn't get over you, I know now that I didn't really want to no matter how hurt I was. I still had hopes somehow, someway, this miracle we are living would happen."
She laid her head on his chest as he wrapped another blanket around them both, as they sat, letting the sound of the waves pound the shore, and their heartbeats fill the void of noise. Finally she had collected herself enough to whisper, "I love you Rick, I've loved you for years now, and I'm sorry I was such a coward and didn't say it."
"I love you too Kate, and I would have gone to my grave trying to make you happy. Thank God I can show you now out in the open," he kisses her gently. "I've had you in my dreams so long, in fact even a song was played that has haunted me, I loved it, I hated it, I cried, I smiled, all hoping to some day be part of your life.
Alexis forbid me to play it when she was in ear shot, so I got the ear buds, I couldn't go a day without listening to it, it's by a group from the 80's" as he reached over and hit a remote, out came a beautiful country song. As she listened to the song, the words brought more tears to her,
"Rick did you really remember me with this song, I mean it's beautiful but I never knew, I mean you never let it show, I'm so sorry I hurt you, I just didn't realize how much one man could love me."
Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished for one more day with you!
One more day, one more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again, I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still for one more day with you
One more day
First thing I'd do is pray for time to crawl
I'd unplug the telephone and keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
That's what I'd do with one more day with you
One more day, one more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again, I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still for one more day with you
"Kate someone asked me what would it take to make me stop loving you, they named a list of things, even you getting married to someone else, bet you can't guess what my answer was, and still is?"
"I don't know Rick, this song blew me away, listening to your heart beating while you hold me close, listening to the ocean, almost like with each wave washing our pasts away, giving us permission and the Universe's blessing, I can't imagine what you would say" she whispered her head still on his chest, listening to the heart beating for her alone.
"It's simple Babe, no matter what happens, I'll still be loving you, till we are gone from this earth. I can tell you, I never felt love like this with or for any other person, ever"
"Rick, I love you too, nothing else matters now, I chased all those things in the past, almost losing what my Mom would have wanted for me more than anything, especially revenge, for me to find someone to love like her and Dad, and I finally have." She looks up and steals a sweet kiss from him.
"Well, you told me that therapy was tough, and I can tell by the first appointment, Dr. Burke is kind and gentle, but he is also relentless when he wants to know the answer to a question. I think he asked me the same thing, perhaps 6 different ways till finally I caved and told him the truth."
"I bet it was trying to protect me, not portray the entire picture of how the mess started wasn't it Rick? Babe, I love how and when you protect me, but promise me, in therapy you have to tell what's on your heart and soul. I found out after a while, if I held things back, it only made it worse for me, so promise me Rick, in Dr. Burks's office you tell the truth, as you feel it or remember, no consideration for my feelings, Promise?" She looked at him with the same look that Alexis had patented through the years to get what she wanted,
"OK, I promise, IF you promise that once we leave that office it's back to just you and I, no more rehashing unless we both agree to talk about it, OK? No more blame, no guilting, do you promise" Rick said in a gentle but firm tone and this was one issue Kate knew he wasn't backing away from.
"I promise Rick, I'm sorry that we have to go through this, but I'm so thankful you are as invested in this relationship as I am, I know there's nothing that can break us," she steals another kiss, and shivers slightly.
"Hey, you ready to come back to OUR bed, I'm sure it's a lot warmer, and probably more comfortable as well." He grinned,
"Yes, let's go to our bed, thanks Rick, I do love you, just in case I haven't said it in the last few minutes," she grins and stands, but not for long as Rick gathers her in his arms Wedding style and carries her into their Bedroom.
Dr. Burke's Office
The Following Tuesday
Rick and Kate had worked on their homework individually and as instructed, didn't discuss anything on the list, although both could tell that each other's memories were bothering them during their preparation.
"Good Morning Kate, Rick," Dr. Burke greeted them in his familiar fashion as they took their seats across from him, each clutching a cup of coffee from the coffee shop across the street. Kate had been right, the coffee in the doctors office was worse than that of the precinct before Rick bought the machine for them.
"I can tell that this assignment has caused some stress for each of you, so is there anything either of you would like to say before we begin today's session?"
Kate looked to Rick who nodded, "You're correct Doctor Burke, this was stressful, I can't tell you from my perspective, how many times I wanted to run to Rick, apologize and beg his forgiveness, it felt almost like I had cheated on him. All of the incidents happened long before he knew me, but I still got that nauseating feeling, I'm not sure it that's normal or not"
"Well from what you described Kate, it's your reaction from Today's Kate, to an action from a younger Kate, one with completely different ground rules, parameters, and even group of close friends than you do today. Does that make sense Kate?"
"Yes it does Doctor, now that you explained it, I can remember the deed, but I can't transcend myself back to that environment, or value systems I had when it occurred, I hope I understood it correctly" she said it sadly,
"It was a perfect explanation Kate, very accurate. You're correct our memories allow us to go back in time to relive a moment, BUT we don't get a reset on our current values.
It's important we remember that memories should be used to learn from, they are not a way to do over, or relive your life the way you wish. It's similar to a music recording, no matter how many times you play the CD, or iPod, the song never changes, but the artist does, and we expect that."
Rick squirms in his chair and finds a piece of lint on the carpet to focus his eyes on. Dr. Burked picked up on his body language, and asked bluntly,
"Rick, what part of this exercise was the most difficult for you?"
Ricks answer came immediately, but he spoke quietly and firm, almost like he was in a trance, "Remembering them Doctor, I've spent years trying to forget, probably why I never shared with Kate, I didn't want to remember them."
"That's not unusual Rick, it's in us all to push the bad away and remember the good. You are wondering why I made you go back to bring up some issues or dig up skeletons would be appropriate given the work that brought you two together.
We are made from our actions and deeds, all of them both good and bad, and if we only portray the good side to our partner, how will they be able to deal with the first time the actions of us disappoint or hurt them. They have nothing to compare it to, except the good, unrealistic by any means."
Rick begins to relax a little, as Kate takes his hand and squeezes it gently, "Remember your promise to me Babe, Truth before protecting me, OK?" as she leaned in and kissed his cheek.
"Kate, I've noticed a freedom about you, not discounting the PDA with your fiancé, that was missing from our early sessions, can you tell me what's given you the confidence to allow yourself to be as open and possibly vulnerable?" Dr. Burke smiled as Kate blushed
Kate smiled, "Its simple Doctor, it's Rick. Early on in our relationship he asked for joint counseling sessions with you, not as a show, but he sincerely wants this relationship to work.
I told him I was a mess and couldn't understand how or why he loved me so, he replied, yeah, we're both messes, but we're each other's.
He accepted me, total acceptance with all my faults and didn't judge, so I accepted him as well. That night was the night I knew that no matter what happened, I could look into his eyes and honestly say, "I'll still be loving you, regardless of what the conditions are, or what happens in our lives."
Rick blushed, as Kate bubbled with pride and love in her voice, and Dr. Burke smiled.
"Well it seems as though you two have come a long way before even seeking me out, I applaud you both, and I think you both need to remember that love and devotion for and from each other as we work through the lists each has prepared.
The ground rules are simple, we start with one, listen to the item with out judgment or comment. Then we listen to an item from the other, then we discuss both, how they impacted our lives then, and if you see any difficulty in today's world"
Kate and Rick both looked at each other, as Dr. Burke continued,
"Now who would like to go first?"
A/N Song is from Diamond Rio Titled, "I'll still be loving you" available on You Tube