I'll Still be Loving You

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: Thisis my AU version SEQUEL to Dinner Date, Please read that before starting this. This story picks up without any time lapse and continues with Kate and Rick as they forge ahead as a Couple and concludes the story arc started when Rick left suddenly.

I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only

Chapter 7

Previously

"Well it seems as though you two have come a long way before even seeking me out, I applaud you both, and I think you both need to remember that love and devotion for and from each other as we work through the lists each has prepared.

The ground rules are simple, we start with one, listen to the item without judgment or comment. Then we listen to an item from the other, then we discuss both, how they impacted our lives then, and if you see any difficulty in today's world"

Kate and Rick both looked at each other, as Dr. Burke continued,

"Now who would like to go first?"

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Doctor Burke's Office

Same Session

Rick and Kate both look like they were about to be marched to the gallows, till finally Kate spoke up in a low, shaky voice. I'll go first Doctor, after all it was my actions that caused the heartache and lost time together that we went through.

"Very Well Kate, but I caution you to remember, this isn't about blame, forgiveness, or just to dig up old history, this is to establish what your mindset was like when these events happened, and insure we have provided you with the tools to cope in today's world.

In college one professor used to call this the Quantum Leap exercise, meaning we were travelling from one time period to another, but only in our minds."

"Thanks Doctor Burke," Turning to face Rick, she swallowed hard, took a deep breath,

"Babe, I think the most important thing I never told you was that Mike Royce was more to me than my TO, I WAS in love with him, but he had just lost his wife, and wasn't in the market for a new love.

It was an embarrassment that I never forgot; it took me months to work the courage up to tell him my feelings. He was as courteous as he always was but told me that I had misinterpreted concern for my well being, as concern for my heart. I felt like a fool, and no matter how hard we tried to get past it, eventually, I was promoted, and he retired, we haven't spoken since.

The next question I would have if I were in your position would be, do I still love him, and truthfully, the answer is yes, but I'm only in love with one man, who happens to be a famous author, sitting here holding my hand.

I know I should have been forthcoming with you, especially after our long talk about Meredith, and the pain you went through. I'm sorry, I think the heartbreak from Mike is the real reason I don't commit to relationships, well I haven't until this one. My mother's case was just a convenient place to hang the blame."

She stopped talking, and there was an eerie silence that fell over the room,

Dr. Burke broke the silence, "Thank you Kate, I know how difficult that was for you, and I'm sure we can build from your observation of past behavior, and the cause. Rick, it's your turn now, can you share one item with us please."

"Kate, I know you have heard, read, and been told a great deal of my past, but there are a few skeletons you need to know about, and perhaps like you, my hurt, and reaction or failure to react was based on past relationships that had hurt me deeply.

Everyone knows of Kyra Blaine, and how we dated for three years, before her Mother was able to break us up, most think I bounced from Bimbo to Bimbo after my initial success in college with my first best seller. It's easier to let everyone make that assumption than to tell the truth.

I had a friend from younger days, Mother had made friends with her parents through a relative, and we became close, not romantically close, but best friends. She warned me about Kyra, pointed out her Mom's meddling, and Kyra's refusal to push back. She predicted that I would be hurt badly if I gave her my heart, well we know how that worked out.

This is where the story most people repeat get wrong, I was heartbroken, depressed, and at my wit's end trying to make sense of what happened, and why. I had no one to talk to, other than my friend, Mother told me to suck it up and grow a pair, but it wasn't that easy.

My friend listened, day or night, there were times she left her boyfriend to come to my apartment to check on me after I texted her or left a voice mail, you can guess how that impacted her relationships.

I had too much to drink one night, and I guess I forgot I took some anti-depressants earlier, but the outcome was she came into the apartment and found me in distress. A few days in the hospital with her by my side day and night, killed any kind of relationship she had or hoped for with her boyfriend.

They were worried it was a suicide attempt, and I attended counseling for about 5 months, before they realized, I didn't have suicidal tendencies, just a terrible memory. Throughout the counselling, she was there, some days coming to drag me out to go to the sessions, screaming at me when I needed it, but through it all she was there.

Well, longer story shortened a bit, we, well I finally realized I had developed feelings for my best friend, but I was worried that it would ruin the relationship we had. I didn't know but she felt the same way, till one night, I guess it was after one of my friends died unexpectedly, I blurted out how I felt about her.

We were together on the down-low for almost two years before I proposed, she accepted and I returned to UCLA to complete some graduate work, planning our wedding when I returned in 4 months. She visited me without warning two weeks before I was scheduled to come home to tell me she was pregnant by another man. Apparently, she went to a party, had too much to drink, and had a lapse of judgment.

I stayed in California, which is where I met Meredith, and the rest is history. I know you want to know her name, and that's the tough part Kate, you work with her or at least around her.

It's Erin Boyle, daughter of Commissioner Boyle, we haven't spoken since I attended her wedding, I'm sure her Dad forced her to have. It wasn't a surprise that she divorced her husband within the first year, but she never reached out and neither did I.

Kyra broke my heart, and I lost a girlfriend, but Erin crushed my soul, and made me feel so inadequate regardless of the fame and fortune. Perhaps that's why I reacted the way I did, rather than confront you like you would have expected.

I know that's a lot to take in Kate, far more than you expected, but it's one reason I wanted us to seek counseling before we get married, I don't want any skeletons left to hurt you in the future. I'm sorry Babe," as he looked exhausted, hung his head and if she saw correctly a tear fell from his eye.

Doctor Burke, ever the professional, paused a moment, then said,

"Thank you, Rick, once again honesty is the only way to ensure that we leave nothing to surprise our partner. No one need share all of the details, as long as each is aware that the other is aware of the past. We can deal with each other reactions to the other's revelation."

Kate has tears in her eyes, as Rick leans in and dabs a tear away with his handkerchief, then hands the hankie to her, whispering, "I'm so sorry Babe"

"Kate I know this was a lot of information to take in, but I would like to hear your first reaction, describe the emotion you are feeling, the one that has brought you to tears, please" Doctor Burke is like a hound on the scent of a hunted fugitive, and isn't letting up.

"Well, first Rick the tears aren't for me, they're for you. I never knew you had suffered so, I'm so sorry for every barb, every taunt, if I had only known. You want to know the emotion I feel when I hear this Doctor, I feel ashamed of my cowardliness.

I feel ashamed for the times Rick needed a friend, thought he had one in me, and I let him down. And lastly, I feel remarkably fortunate that this man loves me, even after I treated him so badly.

I love him, but I don't know if I could be as forgiving as he is." Kate whispered, dabbing at her tears as she spoke, and finally quietly sobbing when she completed speaking. She had held Rick's hand through it all and seemed to gain strength through his touch.

"Rick, what's your response to Kate's response? Was it what you expected, or how can you use this to build your relationship on?" Dr. Burke was going right to the issues,

"Well honestly I'm surprised, I thought it would hurt Kate, I know she cringes at some of the stories about my past. I never wanted her to take this on her, this was a reason why I acted in the manner I did, not a judgment of how I was treated by anyone, especially Kate. Hell, she never knew so how can she take this on?

As for building our relationship, she needs to know that even as bad as these situations were, how much hurt they caused, I'd live through them all again to be with her the way we are now. I know how fragile a heart can be, and I want her to know that I will cherish hers Always." Tears form in his eyes, as he gives her hand a squeeze,

"Interesting Rick, throughout quite a traumatic experience, I can empathize with you for the suicide evaluations, we don't always do a good job or consider our patient's feeling when dong them, but you were fearful of sharing with Kate, which aspect of this incident? Was it the level of involvement, your breakup and resulting actions, or perhaps the fear or stigma that comes with those suffering from depression?" Dr. Burke probes deeper,

"At first it was the depression, but as I grew to know her more, I knew she would handle that part well. I guess I didn't want Kate to think that I was a 4-time loser, twice in marriage, twice in long relationships. The press has not always painted this in a positive light as I'm sure you are aware of." Rick looks and feels very uncomfortable,

"Dr Burke, may I say something please?" Kate asked politely

"Of Course, Kate, please, you have the floor" Dr. Burke replied politely

"Rick, I listened, I mean really listened to you when you were speaking and I heard you pour your heart out, I want you to know Babe, NOTHING you said, or did then or now will change my mind.

You are my one and done. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you then, but to hear you say, you would suffer the same hurt, just to be with me, Rick, no one has ever or could ever love me as much as you.

You'll never be a 4-time loser, you'll never be a loser at all. What I heard was someone who loved with their very soul, when they were hurt, it ran deep, but yet here you are, giving me everything, the other 4 women LOST, not you.

I'm sorry for your pain, but selfishly, I'm glad you are with me, I know that sounds awful and selfish, but I am Babe, so very grateful you're mine."

Rick has to fight hard to keep his emotions in check, he takes her hand, still holding his, brings it to his lips for a gentle kiss, and whispers, "Always, Babe, Always"

Dr. Burke looks at his note and then asked "Is there anything we need to discuss about this, if not now, when you get home, I encourage you to discuss it. Ground Rule, IF there is any conflict table it, bring it to our next session to discuss in our "Safe Environment" agreed?"

Rick and Kate silently squeeze each other's hand and nod,

"We're good and we agree to the ground rule Doctor" Rick replied, through a shaky voice.

"Very Well Rick, let's discuss your feelings about what Kate has revealed, how did this revelation impact you now?"

"It didn't Doctor, you see I knew she was in love with Royce, just the way she spoke of him, then from what I gathered in conversation one day they were partners, the next she moved up, he moved out. I'm not a relationship genius but, I knew just by her stories there was more than she was letting on."

"How does this make you feel now Rick?"

"Honestly, relieved, that we talked about it, and I know how she feels, and that she trusts me enough to tell me her inner feelings. I know my fiancé, and this is a huge step for her, one I am so very proud of her for."

Kate blushed as Dr. Burke glanced at his watch, this was a very productive session, let's pick it up next week since I see we are once again over our time. Please remember no conflict, if need be table any issue and we will discuss it next session"

"Thanks Doctor Burke", Kate says softly as they leave through the rear door.

"Are you OK Rick? I mean do we need to talk about anything Babe?"

"Just one, Are you hungry or is it just me?"

Kate slapped his arm as they broke out in laughter heading towards Remy's for burgers and shakes.