"Every time we have to say goodbye I'm counting down until we say hello. Every touch is like the strongest drug I don't know how much longer I can go." Craving you cover Travis Atreo and Colton Haynes
Chapter 6 Extinguished Light
Days passed in familiar routines. Things were quiet on the front. Calm even. Anna almost started to forget they were in the middle of a warzone. With the momentary stillness on the battlefield, Anna's only patients were minor bumps and bruises from training, and Corporal Sanders. Her free time was spent with James, with and without his platoon.
"Eat a good meal tonight men," General Johnson announced, standing by the cooks tent to address the men eating and interrupting McKenzie's joke. "The Germans have started pushing back. The trucks leave at zero six hundred with the 90th and 107th."
A somber silence fell over the group after the General's announcement. Anna tightened her grip on her fork, pushing the rest of her meat around the can and trying to keep a neutral expression. McKenzie attempted to finish his joke, but the laughter following it was stilted and uncertain.
Bucky watched Ace from the corner of his eyes as the group stumbled back into conversation. She kept her head down, focused on the food she never continued eating. A week at camp with Anna while the enemy regrouped had made it easy to forget they were at war. A week where he'd done his best to spend every free moment with the girl beside him. Training kept him physically ready for battle, but mentally Bucky reeled at the knowledge that he and his men would be carted back to the fight in the morning. It seemed he wasn't the only one.
The group didn't linger after dinner as they normally would. They'd need all the rest they could get. Anna hovered at the back of the group as they made their way towards their tents. She was still processing the General's announcement, and she tended to work through things better alone. It was a habit from med school, when study partners were few and far between. None of the men had been keen on studying with a 'dame.' Not unless it was over a milkshake and ended in a kiss.
Falling back from the guys, James came to walk beside Anna. He didn't say anything, for which Anna was thankful. She wasn't sure how to vocalize her thoughts, her worries. She knew James and the others had to be twice as nervous as her. They were the ones being whisked back to the frontlines. It was silly of her to be scared. She'd still be in camp, safely tucked away from the real fight. The news didn't really affect her. Glancing up at the soldier beside her who had squeezed his way into her life, Anna realized she was wrong. The news did affect her.
Bucky walked with Anna all the way back to her tent. He wanted to say goodbye to her in private. There was no promise he'd get to bid her farewell in the morning, and even less of a chance that it'd be in private if he did.
"You've been stuck inside that pretty head for half the night, Ace," Bucky commented as they stopped before her tent. She'd been staring off into the fading light as they'd stood there, neither of them wanting to start the inevitable goodbye.
"There's a lot to think about. I'm sorry to be such a bore," Anna murmured, her eyes moving from the skyline to meet James' blue ones. She'd been avoiding conversing with or even looking at him. Doing so only made the reality of tomorrow sink in.
"You are the farthest thing from a bore," Bucky insisted, adjusting his cap before pressing on. "You're the most interesting girl I know, Ace."
"Well, there's not very many here to compare to. Perhaps your memory is lapsing," Anna murmured, fiddling with her skirt and dropping her eyes to James' shoulder. She could feel a warm blush rising up her neck at his words.
"My memory's fine. You spent years becoming a doctor, and could have taken a cushy job in Manhattan after graduating, but instead chose to serve your country." Bucky would never cease to be impressed by Anna's bravery.
"It was the right decision," Anna insisted, confident in her statement. She'd never have met James if she hadn't volunteered her service to the military. She wouldn't have met any of his platoon.
"I suppose we can't avoid goodbye any longer," Bucky mused, realizing the sun had almost completely disappeared from the sky. It cast Anna's face in shadows and made her expression difficult to read. "Don't get into too much trouble while I'm gone."
Anna had a brilliant mind and a sharp tongue. An entertaining combination, but one that could get her into fights she couldn't finish. Without Bucky and the rest of the 107th there to back her up, Bucky hated to imagine what all trouble Anna could stir up.
"You're heading back to the war and you're warning me about trouble?" Anna countered, planting her hands on her hips. She hoped keeping them planted firmly against her body would prevent herself from fidgeting and giving away her nerves. "Don't waste your energy worrying about me. Worry about yourself."
"Are you concerned for me?" Bucky pressed, stepping closer to Anna with a small, hopeful smile.
"Of course I'm concerned for you, James. This is war. Men die every day and just because your confidence knows no bounds doesn't mean you're immune to bullets, or grenades, or whatever else the Axis powers are using these days," Anna rattled on. James standing too close, looking debonair in his uniform, with his infuriatingly charming smile and crooked cap, had Anna prattling like an idiot. His smile only seemed to grow at her chattering, and Anna forced herself to take a calming breath.
"Just, don't die. And don't make me save your life," Anna pleaded before taking a step backwards and disappearing behind the flap of her tent. She couldn't believe she'd just said all that. He'd said it himself, they were friends. She hadn't said anything more than a friend would, but she teetered on the edge of that increasingly blurry line.
Bucky remained outside Anna's tent for a few more minutes mulling over her abrupt departure. It wasn't the goodbye he had hoped for, but he knew the probability of it going the way he imagined had been slim. Anna's concern for his life was enough to keep his hope alive. He'd listen to her and come back safe, if only so he could see how far she was willing to take this thing between them.
…
The following days passed endlessly slow. Anna spent more time than ever in the medic tent, even taking her meals in there. Corporal Sanders was the only friendly face left at camp, and so Anna spent most of her spare time with him. They'd talk as she tended to his wounds, discussing sports, the weather, and his health. Mainly, when he could start being mobile again. The day after that conversation Anna started helping him through some physical therapy. It was hard work on Corporal Sander's part, and it had Anna constantly filling the silence with whatever topic she could think of. The one thing they never discussed, was the war.
"Look at you, in no time you'll be walking on your own," Anna encouraged as Corporal Sander's hand tightened on her arm. They'd made it halfway across the medic tent that time. It was farther than he'd ever gotten.
"I'd settle for getting back to my cot for today," Sanders murmured through gritted teeth. Every step he took sent fire across his still healing scar. Leaning heavily on Anna, he finally made it back to his cot. Collapsing on it, he flung his legs over the side one at a time until he laid back against the coarse fabric of the cot.
"Would you like some water?" Anna offered, turning towards the corner where a large drum of water was set up. It was used to fill the washbasin so the medical staff could wash up before performing any procedures, as well as to hydrate the patients who required a longer stay in the tent. So far that was only Corporal Sanders.
"No, I just want to rest for a little bit," Corporal Sanders responded, heaving labored breaths as he laid his head down on the lumpy pillow. Anna had been even more attentive to his recovery ever since the General trucked more men out to the front lines. Barnes' regiment had been one of the two sent back out. Sanders chocked up Anna's increased time spent in the medic tent to nerves. Barnes and Anna had an unspoken connection. One that wouldn't be taken farther than friendship if Barnes didn't make a move. Anna didn't strike Sanders as one to throw caution to the wind when it came to anything but defending her career and her patients.
"Alright, but you need to stay hydrated," Anna sighed, taking a seat at the small desk and recording the distance Corporal Sanders had walked in his chart.
Distant shouts caught Anna's attention as she attached the newest page of notes to Sanders' file. Slipping them into one of the drawers, Anna rose from her seat and crossed to the tent's opening in an attempt to see what was happening. Four men carrying two gurneys between them were rushing towards the medic tent. The men atop the gurneys wore army green, though most of their uniforms were saturated red with blood. Dr. King and Helen were running beside the cots, most likely taking stock of their injuries and learning what had happened from the soldiers carrying them.
Pulling the tent flaps open so they wouldn't have difficulty bringing the new patients in, Anna laid out clean tarps over two of the cots and started setting up the trays of medical instruments nearby. Judging by the amount of blood, the men would be needing surgery.
"Looks like I won't be getting that rest," Corporal Sanders murmured as he watched Anna flit about the room.
"Would you like some cotton for your ears?" Anna offered, plucking some from the pockets of the apron she tied on. Sanders just managed to tuck them into his ears when the soldiers came running in with the patients.
Anna stepped towards the first patient they set down, asking what happened before tying on her mask and slipping on gloves. The soldier's rattled off all the injuries in succession: bullet wound to the right side, shrapnel in the upper thigh and the left side of the head. He was a mess. After they finished listing the wounds, the soldiers began shuffling past the cot. Anna halted the soldiers before they got too far. With two patients and one nurse, Anna would need their assistance. Judging by the blood soaking up the pants leg of the soldier, the shrapnel could have nicked an artery. Not good. Worse yet when she realized her patient had already lost consciousness before reaching her. Grabbing a band from one of the trays, Anna tightened it around the soldier's upper thigh two inches above the injury, and tightened it.
"Hold this. Do not tighten or loosen it from where it is now. That's very important," Anna ordered, forcing the band into the closest soldier's hand.
Moving back to the tray, Anna grabbed scissors to cut through the pants of the soldier. She needed to see what she was working with. Although his other injuries were bleeding out as well, Anna could only work on one wound at a time. At the moment, she needed to stop the femoral artery from bleeding before she could focus on the soldier's stomach and head.
"Apply pressure to the stomach wound with this," Anna insisted, shoving a clean cloth at the other soldier. If she couldn't focus on the stomach wound, she could at least have the soldier attempt to slow the bleeding.
Using tweezers, Anna pulled out the small slat of metal sticking out of the soldier's leg, and plunked it on the tray beside her. It was amazing how such a small piece of metal could cause so much damage. Luckily, the wound before her was about three inches long, enough room for her to work with. With no more help available, the other soldiers having fled the tent as soon as they set down the other patient, Anna returned once more to the tray and grabbed two clamps. She needed to stop the bleeding and suction out the excess blood so she could stick up the artery.
Anna attempted to work as fast as she could, knowing time was imperative when it came to arterial and venous wounds. It felt like forever before she located the minute tear in the artery and stitched it up. Releasing the clamps after tying off the stiches, Anna went about stitching the skin together. Thankfully that went faster and smoother than stitching the artery had.
Moving up to the stomach wound, Anna's heart thudded hard against her chest when she saw the white cloth the soldier held firmly against the patient's side was stained a dark red. Her patient had lost enough blood, much more and he wouldn't make it. Replacing the soldier's hands with her own, Anna lifted the cloth to see what she was dealing with. Her shoulders sagged when she realized the bullet had perforated the large intestine.
Shouting for the clotting agent, no not the penicillin the other bag labeled fibrin powder, Anna sprinkled it on the wound. She prayed it would stall the bleeding enough for her to stitch up the intestine, then the skin, so she could move onto the head wound. Halfway through stitching up the small intestine her patient's breathing changed to shallow, rapid breaths. At that point Anna zoned everything else out and focused on the task at hand. She didn't stop until someone aggressively shook her shoulder.
"He's gone, Anna," Helen's voice called to her through the fog in her head. Still, Anna didn't stop working, ignoring Helen's words. She had to save him. She couldn't let him die.
"Let him go Stark," Dr. King insisted, physically pulling Anna away from her patient. "There's nothing more you can do."
From her new vantage point, Anna could see the soldier's lips tinted blue, his chest no longer rising and falling in rapid succession. Helen was right. He was gone. Ears ringing, Anna's hands clawed at each other. With the way her hands were shaking, it took her several tries to peel off her gloves. After tossing them in the waste bin, Anna ripped her mask off and let it join her gloves in their bloody grave.
"I think its best you go. Get some rest," Helen murmured, though her voice sounded garbled. Nodding her head eccentrically, Anna left the tent without a word. The sky had darkened drastically as thunder rumbled in the distance. Cold water fell in fat drops on her skin, chilling her already numb body.
Anna didn't know where she was going, she just kept walking without taking stock of her surroundings. As the rain increased, pelting her skin until it stung from the impact, Anna found herself sinking to the flooded ground. Mud mixed with the blood on her skirt, turning it an even sicker shade of black. Stomach churning, Anna began reflexively retching, unable to actually throw anything up. Hot tears burned their way down her cheeks, their heat distinguishing them from the rain.
Anna had never known failure. Not like that. She'd heard tales from other med students, about how they'd lost patients while on rotation. Anna never had. Not until then. Heart clenching in her chest at the memory of the soldier's blue tinted skin, Anna wondered how any of her fellow med students could discuss the loss of a patient over lunch as if it was nothing. Her patient would never make it home from war. He'd never see his family again. Instead they'd receive a folded up flag and condolences from a General who had never met their son, husband, father, or brother. He'd be sent home in a cheap wooden coffin with a platitude of 'he served honorably' to his family members. What might he have become had he made it home alive, had Anna been able to save him?
Heaving unsteady breaths, Anna eventually forced herself to stand on her trembling legs. There was no knowing how long she'd been sitting there. It could have been minutes, hours. However long, it hadn't been enough. Retreating to her tent, Anna peeled her soaked clothes off. Her skin felt like ice as she splashed equally cold water on her face from the wash basin. Scrubbing her face with her hands until it was red, Anna wrapped herself up in towels that wicked the water from her body. Impossibly cold even after dressing in a dry uniform, Anna wrapped herself in the scratchy, olive green Army blankets and sat in the center of her cot.
As she sat there, shivering from a cold that was more internal than external, Anna felt impossible alone. She'd never missed Howard more than she did then. She'd give anything for him to be there to hug her and tell her to stop being so theatrical and how he was supposed to be the dramatic one in the family. For him to chase away the cause of her pain like he always had growing up. Except this time the cause of her pain was herself. Shuffling to the edge of her cot, Anna pulled out a pen and her journal from her trunk. Pressing the pen to paper hard enough to have the ink bleed out, Anna started another letter to Howard. Perhaps getting all her feelings out on paper would help. At least she could write everything she'd say to Howard were he there. Even if it couldn't offer her Howard's reassuring words.
A/N: Hey everyone! Hope you all are doing well and enjoying the story. Thank you so much for your continued support. I have so much fun with these characters and this storyline. It's the best feeling to know you guys are too!
Onto guest review responses!
Amrawo: Glad you loved the chapter! The next one will be posted soon!
Bucky Fan No 1: I feel like addicting has a positive connotation here. Glad you're enjoying it!
Jo: Squealing means fangirling which means I am doing pretty okay with this story :)
Pam: I never expected anyone to jump on this story and love it as much as Relentless, mostly because I feel people who were looking for a post winter soldier Bucky story when they stumble across my Rehabilitate and Relentless stories. Which means they might not be in the mood for a prewar Bucky story. So glad you proved that expectation wrong. Thanks for always reviewing! It means a lot.
Kam: I wish I could write you a man like Bucky into existence. And let me just say WOW. Your comment about Anna being bae too and how much you love her and think of her as such a strong female character whose level and type of badass is more attainable. It almost made me cry reading your review. Thank you FOREVER for your review!
To the guest who sad: Go on boys! I agree wholeheartedly. I love writing the friendship between Anna and the rest of Bucky's platoon. She's found a group she belongs with when she hasn't had a real group of friends in a while. Hope you enjoyed this chapter!
Rach
xoxo