The situations of my characters seem to continually get worse.

0o0o0o

Gilbert finally came back in the stifling, heavy heat of afternoon, with the tension and the sun pressing down on Ludwig's shoulders, crushing him. His brother didn't say anything as he was silhouetted in the door, wearing a different shirt and holding sheets of music. He had a new necklace with charms on it. Nobody spoke.

Gilbert came in and dropped his backpack on the chair, staring at Vati. He hadn't even looked at Ludwig.

'Go upstairs,' he said.

'No,' Ludwig said, feeling a share of Feliciano's fury last night in his bones. He stood up. 'You just disappear and then you come back and as soon as you do, you tell me to go upstairs so you can argue with Vati again-and Vati knew where you were! You just wouldn't come back, because I'm not a good enough reason to stay?'

Gilbert's eyes flicked to him before he rounded on Vati accusingly. 'How much did you tell him? I leave for one night-'

'Why wouldn't you tell me?' Ludwig shouted over him. He's tired of being ignored, achingly tired of all of this in a weariness that cuts down to his bones. He wants to see Feliciano. 'You both always ignore me, but if I'm the only reason Gilbert even bothers to stay here, then I want to-I want to know.' The last word is choked off. He hates this. He hates everything, he's helpless here and he can't stand the way the walls seem like they're pressing in, he's trapped. 'I thought you'd left forever.'

'I will,' Gilbert said quietly. 'One day, I'm leaving and I'm not coming back. Ludwig, you're free to join me, but right now, go to your damn room.'

Ludwig turned and left. The door slammed behind him and he was running, throat choking, vision blurring-

Gilbert is going to leave, he's going to leave him alone and he's scared, he's terrified, he can't breathe where is Feliciano, where is any sort of sense in this world he can't breathe he can't breathe.

'Oh my God, Ludwig-' Feliciano opened the door and Ludwig's voice was steady despite the way his chest was crushing in on itself.

'I need to go somewhere.'

'Where? I don't have a car-Ludwig, you're shaking, what happened?'

'Gilbert came back.' Ludwig collapsed into Feliciano's arms, burying his face in Feliciano's neck and finally, releasing the quiet, pitiful sob in his throat. Feliciano pulled him inside and shut the door on the world, letting them crumple onto the floor.

'Gilbert came back? What did he do?'

'He's fighting with Vati again.' Ludwig couldn't move. The senselessness of his thoughts was still hammering at his head, but with Feliciano's arms around him, it was better. 'I couldn't stand it, and I-I told Gilbert he should tell me things and I left.'

Feliciano was quiet for a moment, his head a warm, comforting weight on Ludwig's shoulder. 'Where do you need to go?'

'You said you didn't have a car.'

'We can walk to the store down the road, if you want to go get something to eat.'

'Are you sure, Feliciano?' Ludwig asked him, but he was immeasurably grateful. Feliciano half-laughed and held him tighter.

'I'm sure. If it'll make things a little bit better now, I'm sure, and even if Nonno will get angry if he finds out, that doesn't scare me as much anymore. Some things scare me a bit but they also make me feel like flying, and when things like that exist, things must get better,' he promised. 'Somehow. We can change the world, Ludwig.'

'Do you promise that?' Ludwig asked, half-teasingly. Feliciano looked at him, all golden in the late afternoon sun, and Ludwig found he was looking for a real promise.

'I promise,' he said, voice rough around the edges.

0o0o0o

Every step down the road away from his house was a relief taking a bit of the weight off his chest. Feliciano's hand brushed his, and it distracted him from thoughts of what had happened.

'If they-when they fight again, you can come over,' Feliciano said. He gave Ludwig an apologetic look about when, but it was true.

'Thank you,' Ludwig said. Feliciano's hand wound in his, and Ludwig squeezed gratefully. 'Really, Feliciano, thank you.'

'You're welcome. I also forgot to tell you, but the thing Feliks told me about meets tomorrow night. Do you still want to come?'

Ludwig knew his brother and grandfather would disapprove, but he didn't care for once.

'I'd like that,' he said.

'I'd like it, too, I'm a bit scared about it, but it was the good kind of scared, and if you're there, I'm not really scared at all.' Feliciano stopped in front of the store. 'Do you want to get ice cream or a slushie?'

'I'm not into sweets much.' Ludwig didn't want to let go of his hand yet, even though someone at the far end of the sidewalk was looking at them suspiciously.

'I can get you some chips or something,' Feliciano said. Ludwig's face grew hot, and his stomach was full of butterflies.

'You don't need to pay for me, I'll wait until I get home.'

'My treat.' Feliciano giggled and squeezed his hand a final time before letting go.

They both let go when they stepped inside the store. Feliciano looked at him with a sort of apology, but Ludwig already understood in a way he couldn't explain, but he was still glad when they were out.

'You don't need to go back immediately,' Feliciano said as they were walking home.

'Can I stay at your house?'

'Of course!' Feliciano fiddled with the rusty latch of his gate. 'The lock is on the back of the door,' he said. 'In case you ever want to…'

Ludwig understood.

They climbed up the apple tree again. Feliciano leaned back against the trunk and searched for clouds. He'd finished his ice cream.

'You said you talked to Gilbert?' he asked.

'I shouted at him,' Ludwig said. Feliciano closed his eyes for a moment, worry creasing his forehead before he looked up.

'I know you try not to let everyone see if you're hurt,' he said. 'You don't have to tell me if the arguing is bad. I...I think I know. I'm always here if you want, I promise.'

'Thank you.' The words came out as a rasp. He tried again. 'Thank you, Feliciano.'

'Because we're friends.' Feliciano shifted on his branch, confusion flickering over his face for half a second. Ludwig felt a shift of strangeness in his stomach at just the word friends. 'Best friends,' Feliciano tried again, which was better.

'Best friends,' Ludwig repeated, and Feliciano smiled like the sun after rain and Ludwig stared because he couldn't help it, and Feliciano went still for a moment before he leaned closer and told him, hands shaking with what was not fear, voice rasping with fearful exhilaration, ti amo-and Ludwig's heart was his.

'You said you'd tell me what that meant,' he whispered. Feliciano didn't move away, and so their sides were pressed together on the branch. He shook his head, cheeks flaming. 'You have to tell me eventually.'

'I will,' Feliciano said.

'For my birthday, I'm going to wish for you to tell me what ti amo means,' Ludwig said half-seriously. Feliciano's heart sped up underneath his hand.

'Okay.'

'Really?'

'I'll tell you what it means on your birthday, but first, tell me everything about your birthday. When is it?'

'October third,' Ludwig said, and put the matter of ti amo away in favour of Feliciano's excitement.

0o0o0o

When Ludwig finally went back inside far after supper, Gilbert was upstairs and Vati was reading again. Nobody mentioned him leaving, and with a guilty sort of relief, he went upstairs and fell asleep and dreamed of Feliciano and ti amo, and almost understood it all.

Gilbert didn't look like anything had happened when he went downstairs save for the new necklace he was fiddling with the bird charm of.

'Ready?' he asked. Nothing about him betrayed the events of yesterday, and Ludwig couldn't bring himself to talk about them.

Classes passed normally, and Ludwig kept waiting for something to happen, for Gilbert to acknowledge that they'd both left. Ludwig didn't know what he'd expected, and his head was more full of anticipation than real worry until Gilbert stopped them while walking home.

The first time Ludwig had seen Gilbert fight was in Berlin. Someone had yelled at them from across the street, and Gilbert bent down, told Ludwig not to get involved, handed him his textbooks, and went home with a bloody cut down his face and a wild grin.

Ludwig had gotten better at dressing his brother's split knuckles over the years, but every single time he was terrified that one day, Gilbert would lose a fight. When they moved to America, he thought that was over. Everything that had happened back in Europe was over, but they were crouching behind a building watching the seniors, and he could feel Gilbert's body tensing beside him in the way that meant he hadn't tried to leave his fights back in Europe. Of course he hadn't. He hadn't left the arguing, either. Ludwig felt like the only person who had wanted to try again, when that couldn't be true.

'Please leave,' Kiku said again. His hands were white-knuckled on the strap of his bag. Ludwig liked sitting together with him at lunch, when Gilbert had disappeared, and knew he hated playing the sports after classes.

'Don't be a sissy,' one of the seniors jeered. 'Come on, where are you going? Play a game with us.'

'I'm going home,' Kiku said firmly, but Ludwig saw his hands shaking. 'Please leave.'

'Gilbert,' Ludwig whispered, torn. He didn't want Gilbert to do what he normally did, which was think only after someone had been bloodied, but he didn't want them to hurt Kiku.

'I know, baby brother,' Gilbert murmured. His scarlet eyes were gleaming with a kind of battle lust, and he was baring his teeth in the kind of smile he wore when talking to the Red Army officers. 'Leave it all to me.'

'Don't hurt them,' Ludwig pleaded desperately. He didn't want to see Gilbert fight ever again. 'Promise me you won't-won't start it. That you won't seriously hurt them.'

Gilbert gave him a look, strange and curious. 'They want to hurt me.'

'Promise me you won't,' Ludwig pushed. Gilbert laughed, ruffled his hair, and opened his mouth to agree, but the seniors had started again, and his head snapped up like a dog with a taste of blood.

'What are you, a fucking queer-'

The word burned like acid in his stomach.

Gilbert shoved him back behind the building and Ludwig barely stopped himself from gasping in pain as the brick cut into his hands.

'Gentlemen, I thought I just heard you call my friend here something that wasn't so nice,' Gilbert said, strolling in front of Kiku. Ludwig saw his hand move towards the slit in his jacket he kept his pocketknife in, and silently pleaded for his brother not to use it.

'We were just being friendly,' one of them said. He did the look up and down, sizing his brother up, and smiled in the way that Ludwig recognized. People didn't know Gilbert didn't look half as strong as he was, but they both did.

It was two against one, and Gilbert would lose, Ludwig would lose him again, and they'd find him here, they'd demand to know everything, if he was like that, but he's not-

-Feliciano, his laugh, his smile, and the way his voice bent around the words sei bello and Ludwig was terrified.

Gilbert grinned back.

'Real friendly, I'm sure, unless someone says quite clearly they don't want to play a game.'

'We're real friendly unless he's one of those,' the first senior said. 'We ain't too friendly to queers.' Ludwig was the only one who caught the way his brother's muscles tightened and he shifted his body, or the flash of rage in his eyes.

Ludwig remembered, suddenly, the sermons Gilbert had spoken over, the ways he argued, but his brother wasn't like that, his brother couldn't be-

'Queer,' Gilbert said, tone light, easy, 'or not, I think you should clear out.'

'You protecting him?' the second one asked. 'Bet you've got something going with him, haven't you, Beilschmidt? You a fucking queer, too?'

Gilbert considers this a moment, nodding his head in mock indecision, and punches the first senior in the jaw.

'Oh, you've got it coming now,' he said once he'd stood back up, testing the tenderness of his jaw. His lip was split and there was blood running out of his mouth. He talked like he'd bitten his tongue.

'Have I?' Gilbert asked. He turned and punched the second senior, who doubled over with a high groan. Gilbert caught the first's sloppy punch and sent him sprawling next to his friend.

'We'll tell everyone,' the second threatened, still clutching his stomach. 'They'll throw you out, you'll never get a job here-'

'I'm not staying in this city,' Gilbert said. 'But even so, you won't tell anyone. And don't even think of going after my baby brother. You think this is bad?' He punctuated the question with a solid kick, and the first senior howled in pain. 'Go on, answer me. If you think this is bad, you should see the first guy who threatened Ludwig.' He bent down, boot still pressing into the senior's back. 'Do I have your word, gentlemen?'

They managed their promises, and Gilbert finally let them go. His eyes still gleamed for a second more, watching them stumble off, like he wanted to chase them down.

'They didn't get you?' he asked Kiku, still watching them go. Kiku shook his head, plainly terrified, and stammered his gratitude. 'Get home as fast as you can,' he said, and Kiku ran off. Gilbert was motionless, and suddenly swore, turned, and rushed back towards Ludwig.

Blood trickled from his palms. He'd been gripping the brick so hard it had broken skin. Nothing made sense. The fights were supposed to stay back in Berlin, Gilbert being like that was-was wrong-

He wasn't supposed to be thinking of Feliciano, the way his body felt leaning against his.

Gilbert swore again, coaxing his hands to release the brick. Ludwig was numb

'Shit…' Gilbert tried to wipe the blood off. Ludwig's muscles were locked tight, he couldn't breathe. 'Ludwig-oh, shit. You gotta talk to me, baby brother, I promise I'm sorry, but I couldn't let them talk like that-'

'You said you wouldn't start it,' Ludwig said. His fear was turning into helpless anger, but he couldn't pull away. 'You could have just told them to leave.'

'I did.' Gilbert patted his pockets for bandages, and Ludwig saw the flash of his knife, thankfully still sheathed, in the flat of his palm.

'You-you almost-' He finally managed to shove Gilbert away. 'You almost pulled your knife! You could have killed them!'

'I didn't, I swear I wouldn't have,' Gilbert promised desperately. 'Baby brother, I need you to stop moving or you'll make your hands worse, please-'

'You promised you wouldn't use your knife,' he said, and Gilbert wouldn't meet his eyes. If Gilbert had used it, he could be accused on real charges, and they'd have to leave again if Gilbert didn't want to end up in jail.

'Those kinds of people would kill me,' he whispered like a shameful secret, and the fight left Ludwig, the useless, helpless fight. He couldn't do anything about his brother. He couldn't do anything, and it's easier just to hold his hands out and let Gilbert mop the blood off. 'We'll have to go home for better,' he said gently.

'From Vati?' Ludwig asked dully.

'No. He'd kill me.' Gilbert paused. 'Feli will understand.'

'No!' Ludwig grabbed his arm and his hands burned in protest, but he didn't let go. Gilbert tried to make him stop, hissing quietly that he'd make it bleed again. 'No, we can't tell him.'

'Why not?'

'Because-because I don't want him to know.' Ludwig couldn't explain to Gilbert that if Feliciano found out more abou them, whatever they had would change, and Ludwig desperately, desperately didn't want whatever fragile, wonderful thing they had to change, especially before tomorrow.

'You don't want him to know about what happens in our family?' Gilbert made him let go now that his frantic strength was gone. Ludwig couldn't even protest. Gilbert laughed. 'I'd be ashamed too if my brother was this much of a bastard, but you're a good kid, aren't you? You're going to have a good life, Ludwig.' Gilbert embraced him quickly and let go too fast. 'Promise me you won't go the same way as me.'

'I promise.'

'Good man.' Gilbert ruffled his hair. 'If it doesn't hurt too much, put on these gloves. They'll stop anyone from noticing until we get down to Antonio's.'

0o0o0o

Much of this story was built for a specific scene.

:: Falling asleep and waking up when the sky is hazy and the time is ambiguous