I've been reading far too much to concentrate.
0o0o0o
For a second, nothing existed in the world but the soft gold heat. One of Ludwig's hands was in his hair and one was clutching his shirt-he didn't remember when it got there. Feliciano could feel Ludwig's hammering pulse in his chest and the soft sound he made, maybe a word, maybe his name. He wasn't pushing him away.
Slowly, Feliciano drew back. Ludwig's hands tightened. His eyes were hazy.
'Feliciano,' he said, like he was trying to remember a long-ago memory. Feliciano's head was spinning a thousand directions and his tangle of emotions reached down past his bones and he was scared beyond belief, but also felt like jumping up and shouting with the sheer giddy joy of it and he definitely wanted to kiss Ludwig again, but time seemed to have stopped its ticking and the world was stretching like caramel. All Feliciano could do was watch life happen and hope what Ludwig said next wasn't I need to go, because he might want to let Feliciano down softly, and why wouldn't he just say something-
'Feliciano,' Ludwig said again, shakily, his hand slipping down to cup his face and Feliciano was burning and all his explanations or excuses turned into a sobbing laugh, almost hysterical.
'Ludwig-' He didn't know what to say. He didn't know if Ludwig was angry at all or if he liked it or if he was even really like that, especially if his grandfather would be angry.
'Feliciano.' Ludwig's hands were ghosting over his shoulders, like he was trying to memorize this moment. 'You know Vati will…'
The knowledge was already settled deep into his bones, like lead bullets. Feliciano should have expected this but Ludwig was kind and beautiful and Feliciano knew he wouldn't have been able to resist no matter what. 'I know.'
'But I don't care about that.' Ludwig held him tighter, and then he smiled and Feliciano knew that the world was going to be okay, at least for this glorious moment. 'We can-whatever this is, it's okay. It's right.'
'Because we're friends?' Feliciano asked, heart thrumming. He didn't know what answer he wanted to hear. He didn't just want to be friends, but it would be safer.
'I...I don't know. But that...you-that was good. It felt nice.' Ludwig offered that smile again.
'You didn't hate it?' Feliciano asked, not daring to believe. Ludwig gave him a soft kind of look that said all the wonderful right feelings Feliciano couldn't articulate even in paint and this time he was the one to lean in and gently, gently kiss him on the mouth. He tasted like something sweet and Feliciano wanted him more than anything.
'Ti amo,' Feliciano finally choked out, scrabbling for a better hold on Ludwig's thin shirt. 'Ti amo, Ludwig, and sei bello.' He wanted to tell him that he was amazing and beautiful but that could wait for now. Everything could wait, because the only thing that mattered was their heartbeats in tune and his hands pushing that jacket off Ludwig's broad shoulders and the way Ludwig whispered his name.
They broke apart breathless and sat there, grinning at each other, flustered and feeling like they'd borrowed wings, stealing secret glances as Feliciano fixed his cap and Ludwig put his jacket back on. This was the kind of secret that it was nearly impossible not to share, and Feliciano knew it would be hard not to practically announce he'd kissed Ludwig Beilschmidt, but for now, everything was warm and right and wonderful.
'I've never kissed anyone before,' Ludwig said into the giddy silence.
'Me either,' Feliciano said. He still didn't know if Ludwig was really like him, but that didn't matter for now. Nothing mattered except that Feliciano was sure that if he stepped off the roof, he'd float, he was feeling so light. He also thought the taste might have been honey. 'Hey, Ludwig? Did you bake anything recently?'
He blushed and vaguely nodded. 'Cake. I don't always like sweet things, but…' He couldn't seem to keep his smile down. 'I...I'll see you.'
'I'll see you, too, and-Ludwig, ti amo. And happy birthday.'
Ludwig gave him a teasing quirk of a smile. 'Ich liebe dich, Feliciano,' he said. 'I'll tell you what it means eventually if you haven't guessed.'
Feliciano had a guess.
He drew the rest of the night, unable to stop smiling, and dreamed of the blue eyes and the shift of muscles under his hands he'd tried to capture in graphite.
0o0o0o
Ludwig wasn't entirely sure he'd ever been scared of heights when the evenings passed like this, with the music quietly crooning in the corner and his head still fuzzy from Feliciano. He felt like there was nothing in the world that could hurt either of them.
He still woke up thinking of it-the way Feliciano had felt, the buzzing vibrancy of all he was. They hadn't tried kissing again since, but Feliciano touched him more now when they sat together and talked (but not about the night), teasing about translating-Ludwig was allowed to hold back since Feliciano hadn't told him and let him wonder for ages-stealing glances and smiling in giggling exhilaration of knowing such a secret, and it set off fireworks inside of him.
The only problem was that Ludwig knew he could never tell his family. Vati would be coldly furious about Feliciano, just like he was to Gilbert. Ludwig much preferred being left to the side than being actively shunned. Gilbert didn't even trust him with the knowledge of the music hall. He hid his entire other life, and so Ludwig was allowed to have this incredible secret.
He'd told Feliciano he didn't know if they were still just friends, and it was the truth. If being homosexual meant Feliciano was going to be hurt, he didn't want to be. The preacher would know, his family would know, and Ludwig couldn't stand the thought of the retribution falling on Feliciano.
Whatever this was was right. It just wasn't like that. Not until they were out, like Feliciano told him about.
Still, all that was hard to think of when Feliciano was crawling through his bedroom window. He looked slightly worried.
'What's wrong?'
'I keep hearing things at school,' Feliciano said, sitting down next to him on the bed. Ludwig automatically wrapped an arm around him.
'I'm sorry.'
'You tell me not to apologize,' Feliciano accused, resting his head on his shoulder. 'It's not your fault. I know you're not the kind of person to...do that. You understand about that, Ludwig.'
A pulse of what might have been shame rushed through Ludwig. Feliciano had made allusions to that before, and if he was, that was good. But Ludwig couldn't be more than friends in name with him until things changed, and he didn't know how to express that to Feliciano.
'Do you know who's doing it?'
'No. And I don't want to go looking for them, because they might do something to...people. And I know Gilbert said that people wouldn't bother me if they knew I was with him, but I don't want to threaten people and you always get so worried when Gilbert fights that I can't stand it.'
Something to...people. Ludwig wanted to ask him if he was like that almost desperately, even though it didn't matter. Except it did, and if Feliciano was like that then Ludwig could maybe be brave, too.
Feliciano was watching him with a strange, sad expression.
'You're thinking too much so often now,' he said. 'What are you thinking of now?'
'You,' Ludwig said. 'I don't think I can think too much of you.'
Feliciano's eyebrows flew up and he tried to not look happy, which was impossible for him because all his emotions shone out of him. Ludwig loved it when he looked happy like that.
'I've been thinking, too,' he said. 'It means I love you in German, doesn't it?'
Even him just saying the words made Ludwig shiver, even though he'd said them himself.
'Yes.' His voice was rough. 'Yes,' he repeated. 'Ich liebe dich.'
Feliciano sat up, golden eyes serious in the dim light. 'Say that again. Please.'
Ludwig wanted to kiss him. Ever since that night, he'd been thinking of it.
'Ich liebe dich, Feliciano,' he said again, dimly noticing that Feliciano's hand was in his and that the door wasn't locked.
'Ludwig-' Feliciano also seemed at a loss to continue.
'Are we-do you want to do that?' Ludwig blurted. Nervous excitement was building in his fingertips. 'I can lock the door.'
'I…' Feliciano ducked his head and pressed a kiss to his shoulder, eyes shining with uncertainty and want. 'Can you? Because I want to, I've been thinking about you all the time.'
'Me too. Of you.' Ludwig got up to lock the door and held Feliciano in the way he hadn't been allowed for what felt like too long. Feliciano gave a breathless laugh.
'Do you want to sit on the bed?' he asked, and Ludwig clumsily moved them, ending up tumbling on the sheets. Feliciano smiled and Ludwig's heart was probably going to give out because of the way Feliciano was and he didn't mind.
'I want to kiss you,' Ludwig told him, the words feeling like dangerous, perfect lightning on his tongue. Feliciano met his eyes for a moment, giving his incredible smile, and Ludwig touched him gently and kissed him.
The first time had set off a million fireworks in every particle of his bones, and now Ludwig thought he might really crack under the weight of the soft sounds Feliciano made and the way their clumsy, tangling limbs felt pressed against each other. Ludwig still didn't really know how it worked, because he'd only seen messy sessions in the street and they weren't like that, but this felt incredible and right and Feliciano's hands were moving over his chest, taking off his jacket and Ludwig decided to forget everything like fights and slurs and concentrate on the way Feliciano said his name, and the heat of his skin, and his beautiful golden eyes.
He knew before he leaned in again that he didn't want to be 'just friends' with Feliciano.
0o0o0o
He shouldn't have gone downstairs.
Ludwig was still dizzy from Feliciano when he stumbled downstairs, grinning like an idiot, and heard the quiet, muffled tones of an argument. His heart sunk. Gilbert really hadn't been arguing so much recently, but maybe he was just being quieter about it.
Ludwig tried to be as silent as possible kneeling by the stairs, listening in.
'I told you not to take the car and get more of this..this garbage.' Vati's voice was low and cold.
'It's not garbage.' Gilbert had a sarcastic edge to his tone, which meant he would say horrible inflammatory things.
'Don't think I don't know where you run off.' The sharp slap of paper on their table. 'Have the people at the music hall led you into this?'
'More like I've led them into it!' Gilbert fired back.
Vati laughed, and Ludwig cringed back. The sound dug deep.
'You're a fool.'
Gilbert laughed, too, wild to the point of derangement. 'You can't control me. I'm going to leave and Ludwig's going to come with me.'
'I won't allow it,' Vati said simply. 'You have no right to ruin his life along with yours. Yours, by all means. I cannot stop you. But you can't do it to him.'
'What's going to ruin him is leaving him in this city for the rest of his life.' Gilbert abruptly got up and Ludwig pressed himself back against the wall. 'He needs something more than this.'
'You think that what you want is what he needs,' Vati accused. 'You can't destroy his future.'
'You're the one destroying his future.'
'You're the one getting into fistfights on the assumption that it'll make him...something. He's not a deviant like you, Gilbert. You can't make him what he's not.'
Gilbert snorted. 'I don't need to.'
A heavy silence.
'What?' Vati said. Gilbert didn't say anything. 'Gilbert, do you have something to tell me?' Vati asked louder.
'It doesn't matter.' Gilbert turned and Ludwig couldn't jump back in time. The look of sheer guilt and fear on his face was haunting. Ludwig knew what he looked like-Feliciano had messed his hair into curls and spikes and his jacket was tied around his chest.
Gilbert abruptly turned back around.
'It doesn't matter,' he said more forcefully, but there was a note of panic.
'Have you turned him or something?' Vati rustled through the papers on the table.
'God, no.' Gilbert's voice dripped with scorn and disgust. 'I wouldn't hurt him. You can trust me on that, at least.'
'It's probably the only thing I can.'
0o0o0o
Gilbert wants the best for people, but his ideas aren't always good.
:: Book covers that tell their own stories, that you look back on at the end