This is definitely a slow burn.

0o0o0o

Ludwig was too tired for church. Gilbert's eyes were ringed dark and bloodshot as he bent his head in the pews, and he was almost subdued. He didn't speak out. He didn't look at Vati.

The only good thing was Feliciano. He stared at the floor, but their knuckles brushed.

'Let us pray,' the preacher intoned, and Feliciano breathed out beside him, mouth forming the quiet, thankful words that finally the speech on homosexuality was over. He didn't look at Ludwig-it was too dangerous, and they both knew that-but when people closed their eyes to pray and Ludwig followed, too exhausted over everything to even think, Feliciano slipped a piece of paper into his hand. Ludwig curled his fingers around it, and Feliciano's hand lingered for half a second before he pulled away.

It was too dangerous to sneak away after the service anymore. Ludwig waited until he was home to read the note.

I was thinking of going downtown to talk to Roderich about Gilbert, if you wanted.

The best piece seemed to have been scribbled through and rewritten a lot of times.

We should tell Nonno and Vati where we're going so we don't get in trouble. I don't want you to get in trouble. I hope you're okay.

I have something I want to tell you later.

His final address looked like he couldn't decide how to sign, filled with determined blotches. It finally ended:

Yours, Feliciano

Ludwig held it up to the light and saw the word love gleaming through the ink.

0o0o0o

Feliciano needed to talk to Ludwig, but he had things downstairs first. Nonno was drinking a lot of coffee. Lovino was talking to him in harsh, sharp tones, and Nonno just shook his head, turning away. Ever since Lovino had revealed he liked a man, Nonno had seemed as if he hadn't heard it, and he'd accepted Lovino's help with his cough with a measure of frustration. Feliciano didn't know how to feel about Lovino revealing it was Antonio anymore. After what had happened with Gilbert and Roderich...Feliciano felt sick. He had been stupid. Lovino was right that he wouldn't understand.

'You were right,' Feliciano told him when Lovino went upstairs to get the painkillers. Lovino just jerked his head and snorted.

'About what?'

'That I wouldn't understand.'

Lovino paused as he tapped two pills into his hand, but moved on. 'This is about Gilbert, isn't it.'

'He...he came out,' Feliciano said helplessly. He needed someone to talk to about it who wasn't as broken-up about it as he was.

Lovino's hand jerked and the bottle went skidding. A few pills spilled out across the carpet. He picked them up methodically. He was trembling.

'Give me ten minutes,' he said, not meeting Feliciano's eye. 'Ten minutes and we can-we can talk.'

Feliciano watched the clock and waited for Ludwig to write back. Eventually, he opened the window and whispered a hello. Ludwig cautiously opened the window as well.

'Hello,' he said. He still looked terrible-as terrible as he could be-but his smile still made Feliciano flutter. 'You wanted to tell me something?'

'Lovi's coming in a few minutes, so I can't talk now, but…' Feliciano pushed the thought away. He couldn't be distracted. 'It's complicated.'

'I have something I want to tell you, too.' Ludwig allowed himself a small chuckle. 'Everything seems complicated right now.'

'It's going to get better,' Feliciano reassured him. 'It has to. I mean, Gilbert…' He faltered. 'It has to get better for all of us.'

'If only,' Lovino said behind him. Feliciano nearly toppled out the window. He made guilty eye contact with a white-faced Ludwig and backed away.

Feliciano didn't like the look Lovino gave Ludwig, like he was seeing all the pain and hurt that their-their thing, of sei bello, would bring, and none of the beauty.

He shut the window and led Feliciano away to his room.

'Talk,' he said. Feliciano tried to find a good way to start, but everything was tangled in his mind let alone in his words.

'Gilbert came out to his grandfather,' he repeated.

'I know,' Lovino said. He shifted on the bed, and awkwardly reached out to rub Feliciano's shoulder. 'I heard it really went to sh-heard it didn't go well.'

'Ludwig said he was crying,' Feliciano remembered softly. Lovino's eyebrows raised in surprise.

'I...oh.' Lovino shrugged, but his face twisted. 'He came out about everything? About Roderich?'

'Yeah,' Feliciano agreed. He didn't ask why Lovino knew.

'He always was a brave bastard. At least he wasn't turned out,' Lovino said, turning towards the window. He chewed on his lip like he always did when he was thinking. 'I'm surprised he wasn't.'

'Is Antonio going to be turned out if he…' Feliciano was still scared of addressing whatever his brother felt for Antonio.

'Of course he is,' Lovino said. His voice was calm but his free hand was white-knuckled and a muscle was jumping in his jaw. 'Pastor won't have a gay son in the house.'

'Will Nonno?' Feliciano asked before he could stop himself. Lovino took a long time answering.

'I'm still here, aren't I?' He laughed roughly. 'Not that I'm gay to him. I'm just making a mistake. Just a stupid thing that I'll forget when I'm married.'

'You really love Antonio, don't you?' Feliciano asked.

Lovino's face changed past sadness to helpless anger to defeat.

'Yes,' he said. 'Yes. I just haven't...admitted it before.'

'Have you told him?'

'Have you told Ludwig?' Lovino challenged. Feliciano was stunned silent. He had, but they'd agreed that it wasn't-that they weren't-like that. They weren't homosexual because they'd get hurt.

But if they wouldn't get hurt, Feliciano couldn't help wondering if that would change.

When he didn't answer, Lovino leaned back against the bed, a sardonic smile pulling at his lips.

'It's better if you don't,' he said. 'I'm telling you, Feliciano. It's better if you stop this. Stay friends if you want, but you can't keep going the way you are. Nonno doesn't want two gay grandsons.'

'Nonno doesn't have to know,' Feliciano argued, but he knew it was useless.

'They always find out eventually.' Lovino bared his teeth in an imitation of a smile. 'You're thinking it's not so bad, because look at me. He knows I like men, he's known it since Venice. He just ignores it. But what about Ludwig?'

Feliciano's blood ran cold. He hadn't thought of that.

'You need to end it. If not for you, for him.' Lovino's voice dropped. 'Gilbert hasn't been turned out yet, but he'll be eighteen in a few months, and then we'll see.'

Feliciano knew he was right, and that was what hurt the most. Him getting forced out to Nonno would mean silence and a refusal to believe. Ludwig getting outed to Vati would mean arguments and words that couldn't be taken back and that soft kindness Feliciano loved being buried deeper and deeper.

He couldn't do that to Ludwig.

He slipped off the bed and left. Lovino didn't stop him.

Ludwig opened the window to let him in and sit on his bed. Feliciano's original reason to talk didn't seem as good as it had been anymore, but as soon as he let himself consider it again, his nervous, babbling words started spilling out.

'I want to come out to Nonno,' he said. 'Except I don't, because Lovi did and Nonno pretends like he's not, and because I'm scared, especially after what happened with Gilbert, and because of how he might react, or what he might think of you, and because-' And these words were sticking in his throat. 'Because we're...Ludwig, you said we weren't like that. Homosexual. Because we'd get hurt. But if we were in a place where it was okay, and you still liked me, would we be?'

His heart was hammering. Ludwig was staring at him, eyes piercing, blue down to his soul. Feliciano couldn't tell if he was angry or not.

'Feliciano, are you asking if we're gay?' he asked. Feliciano only managed to nod. 'If we were safe, I would be. Because I really like you,' Ludwig said, softly, nervously, like he was waiting for his approval, like he needed his approval, bright brave beautiful Ludwig needed him, and Feliciano's heart was pounding with so many emotions he thought he might burst.

'Me too,' Feliciano said, eyesight glittering with tears. 'I'm-I'm glad you are, or I will be once we get out, because I like kissing you.'

Ludwig blushed and looked secretly pleased with himself, and fumbled at the blanket and he was very cute and Feliciano leaned forward and kissed him.

He should stop. He shouldn't be doing this, because it would only hurt Ludwig if his grandfather ever found out, but Ludwig gasped into the kiss, a soft whisper of his name like a prayer, and the noise made him forget most of Italian and all of English. Feliciano was selfish about this, this wonderful secret, but he stopped thinking for a while. It was like nothing and nobody existed. He was still too scared to go further and do things like open his mouth because that was strange and a bit scary and there was tongues and Feliciano didn't know what to do, but this was good.

When they pulled back, Ludwig was red down to his chest and his hair was rumpled. Feliciano helped him smooth it down and vowed to stop messing Ludwig's hair up every time.

'You know I can't come out to Vati,' Ludwig said. 'As...you know.'

'It's okay,' Feliciano reassured him. 'We can do it when we're older. Or you don't have to.'

Ludwig nodded, but he looked unsure. 'Gilbert knows,' he said.

'How did he-' Feliciano's mind went to the worst scenario.

'It's not your fault. He was drinking yesterday, and maybe he doesn't even remember it, but he asked me if I was gay. I said I couldn't be, and he asked if I was in love with you. I said yes.'

Feliciano took his hand. He didn't know what to say.

'Was he okay about it?'

'He acted like I shouldn't have taken after him,' Ludwig said. 'Even though I didn't. I mean, I had an idea that he didn't like girls back in Berlin, but I didn't take after him. We happened without him. At least he didn't get angry.' Feliciano relaxed.

'That's good. Mostly. Except he shouldn't be drinking. Nonno says he used to drink a lot, and that it's really hard to stop.'

'Vati says the same thing.' They shared a moment of silence. 'However, his birthday is coming up, and after he's out, Vati can't stop him from doing anything.'

'So he's really going to run away?'

'He's going to run away or Vati's going to turn him out,' Ludwig said carefully.

'Lovino says the same thing.' Feliciano wasn't sure how to phrase the next part. 'He said that if I kept doing this with you, in the end it would hurt you more.'

'That doesn't matter,' Ludwig said. 'I'll be careful.'

'We'll both be careful,' Feliciano agreed, but he was alight, every nerve lit up at the mention that his grandfather didn't matter, even if it couldn't be true. 'So this can-this can still keep going?'

'Of course.'

It was sometimes strange that Ludwig was scared of heights because right now his words made Feliciano feel like he was floating.

0o0o0o

I apologize for the characters realizing so slowly.

:: Specific, beautiful words you learned from someone else