The Good, The Junk, and the Bird Box
G'day my love,
I'm going to just come right out and say is plain as day... I love you, Birdie. Nearly as much as I love a good explosion, YEEHAW! My rough hands ache to touch your tender ethereal bosom as you whisper sweet nothings in your many other worldly voices. I feel like a hog in shit when I'm writing these letters and I wish nothing more than to spend every single moment that I have remaining on this god forsaken Earth with you.
Please, my pagan divinity. Share with me a safe spot for us to meet, away from prying eyes.
Love always,
Junkrat
My dearest Junkrat,
We simply cannot be in love - we're as different as whisky and tea. You're a rascal and a scoundrel, and as much as I yearn for your rough hands, mama and papa would never allow our love. It breaks my heart to tell you no, but no one is safe from mama and papa.
The town we live in has gone belly up, everyone is screamin' mad. We are all goners here and I fear it is mama and papa's doing. Please do not try to find me, my heart couldn't handle it.
You are my moon and my stars,
Birdie
Birdie! My darling!
I fear no mama or papa. Nothing can stand in the way of my love. I'll YEEHAW them to smithereens if I must. In fact, I'll YEEHAW your whole darn town to smithereens. Just for the hell of it.
Run away with me, we can go wherever our hearts desire, from the highest mountain to the deepest valley. But probably just to Canada… where you can be my bride. That's right, I'm proposing right here, right now. I, Junkrat, am on bended knee, which makes it very hard to write because my writing desk is quite tall.
Regardless, marry me Birdie!
Junkrat,
No. Please. Mama and papa are savages beyond time and space, there ain't nothing that can stop them from finding us, even in Canada. No amount of explosions or bullets could ever stop their reign of terror. This world ain't big enough for both you and papa.
You will not hear from me again. This is goodbye, my love.
Birdie
Junkrat read the letter again and again, his tears splashing against the paper.
"Take me to her," he commanded to the rugged outlaw who delivers his mail, "I'll give you anything, I'll give you everything."
"There ain't a snowball's chance in hell, Junkopop," McCree derided, "That place is spookier than that spider I saw one time eating a mosquito."
"I can take a little bit of spookiness, cowboy. I'm hard to scare, I'm always strapped with a grenade launcher, ready to YEEHAW at any moment."
"Well," the bounty hunter considered, "That's a fair point. For 100 dollars, I'll make the treacherous trip with you one last time."
"Do you take golden teeth? They're worth a pretty penny if you wash off the blood," Junkrat smiled, offering a handful of golden teeth, plus a couple real ones.
With a smirk and a slight nod, McCree lit a fresh cigar and soon they were off. YEEHAW
It was four days and four nights of hard travel but finally, McCree announced they were nearing their destination. He pulled Hanzo, his trusty steed, to a halt and looked Junkrat dead in the eye.
"Before we go any further, put this on," McCree demanded, shoving a scrap of fabric into Junkrat's hands.
"A tourniquet? But I ain't bleedin', boss" Junkrat was confused.
"Over your eyes, knucklefuck" McCree screamed "And no talking in the town. You must listen as closely as you can. If you hear something in the saloon, you tell me. If you hear something in the general store, you tell me. If you hear something in the sheriff's office, you tell me. But you never, ever take off your blindfold. If you look, you will die. Do you understand?"
Junkrat chortled, "Whatever gooses your gander, peaches 'n' cream."
The two blind boys rode Hanzo into the town. All was silent except for the wind. Hanzo was a real clever horsey so he knew exactly where to go. When Hanzo came to a stop and whinnied softly, McCree knew they had arrived.
"Junkrat, you've arrived. I told you not to come!" Called a beautiful and entrancing voice. It sounded far away, but also so, so close.
"Birdie, my sweet clementine, I could not resist. I paid this fine mail courier to bring me to you. He will take us to the train station and we can travel to Canada... together."
Suddenly, another voice appeared like a whisper in Junkrat's ear, "Take off your blindfold, son. See how beautiful Birdie looks in her Sunday best."
"Well alrighty then," Junkrat agreed, his hands reached up to pull the fabric from his eyes.
"PAPA NO!" Birdie screamed in horror.
But it was too late, Junkrat squinted in the brightness, but his gaze soon fell on the love of his life. His eyes went golden and wiggly, his jaw went slack and he nearly fell while climbing off of Honzo. He staggered forward, toward Birdie.
"My oh my, you truly are a vision," Junkrat's voice was dazed with love.
Under all of the goo and grossness, Birdie blushed.
"Why don't you show your little friend over there how beautiful my daughter is," Laughed papa.
The sound of a gun cocking broke the oppressive silence. "Not today partner. It's high noon," McCree asserted. In a blaze of glory, McCree shot off an entire round of bullets, in an act that would normally headshot everyone in his eyesight. But of course, he had no eyesight so he missed like a fuckin' chump.
"You're really going to ruin my wedding day! You've gone and soured my milk for the final time, McCree!" Junkrat shouted. He triggered a concussion mine under his feet, launching him high into the air. With an acrobatic somersault, he landed right in McCree's lap. Without wasting a moment, he grabbed McCree's blindfold and ripped it from his face.
"Look at how beautiful my bride is, mailboi!" Junkrat hollered.
McCree fell backwards off of Hanzo in one last attempt to escape Junkrat's prying fingers. But as he fell, his eyes opened and he saw God.
As if in slow motion, McCree reloaded his gun and turned it on himself. "Yeehaw," The last cowboy whispered as six lead plums embedded themselves into his brain.
"Meat's back on the menu, boys!" screeched Papa in his otherworldly voice.
"I call the ass," Junkrat whooped.
THE END