Chapter 2: A life in darkness.
Judged by the sound of a sizzled noise from a frying pan and the smell of toasted bread that spread through the house and out the open door to the porch; he could tell that Snow was finally up and running for the day. Ignis was outside, leaned against the balcony parapet and tried to sort his feelings and thoughts out. He did not know for how long he stood there, neither was he sure of if he even really cared. All he knew that he surely cared for was for Gladiolus to call, to tell him that Noctis had woken up and that he was safe and sound. He had tried to call but he could not seem to remember any numbers and he could not exactly find his way to his phonebook and guess for a name either. He could not even unlock his phone without his vision. All he could do was to wait, and the incapability of making a single phone call was enough for him to feel completely useless. If he could not even do that, then of what use would he be for his King to be? What help could he offer if he could not even help him with what he was trained to do? A frustrated growl left his lips and he closed his eyes hard. He had removed the bandages just after he left bed earlier; only to get disturbed by blinking red spots as light seeped through the bad scarring. Ignis deeply regretted that now as his ribs hurt too much for him to be able to put it back on by himself. He sighed heavily, closed his eyes a bit harder and listened to the singing birds. The counselor felt the worth of the shining sun warming his face, valued each and every moment that he was alive, something he was not even sure that he was worth doing when so many innocent has lost theirs. The sound of quirking wooden floor caught his attention and he returned to the world of his surroundings from the world of his thoughts. A chilled hand found its way to his shoulder and Snow began to speak.
"Are you not sick enough you think? You should come inside and eat some; you have to build your strength up soldier." Ignis huffed and shrugged, unsure of what to answer, as he seemed to have been quite often lately.
"I am no soldier, Snow. I am a mere counselor. I was a mere counselor that is. Now I am just Ignis, the lost ex counselor in wherever we are.
A bit funny is it not? Once I was the most collected and calm man I knew and the next thing I am a total mess and cannot even tell the time.
Of what use am I as a counselor if I cannot even advise my King?" He asked quietly and clenched his fist until his knuckles turned white. It hit him hard to confess for himself that he had lost abilities that he once took for granted, that something given by birth was so easily taken away. He was about to slam his fist on the parapet but Snow caught his hand just before the impacts and let out a heavy sigh. Ignis could tell that he stood close and he found it a bit uncomfortable that the other man could move so quietly.
"Hey, easy there Ignis, the parapet has not done anything to deserve such harsh treatment." He said jokingly, though his tone of voice was somber and calm.
"And I highly doubt that you deserve that either. I know that facing death is near impossible to live through; often you wish that you could have switched places with them.
However, you cannot think like that, it is no use to resonate like that. It will not bring them back and it will not ease your heart. War is… war, enough said, there are gains and losses, there is so much suffering, but if you do not cherish the thought of you being alive you taunt those who gave theirs to keep you alive, accidentally or not." Snow said and let his words sink in before he released Ignis' hand and leaned his forearms against the carved log in front of him.
"I know the face of fear, I know the shrieks of desperation and pain and I know the smell of blood and burnt flesh. I have been in a war before. I have lost some that were very close to my heart. I do not suggest that you 'man up' and shrug it off because it does not work that way, it takes time and it takes effort, and it does more damage than one first understand." Snow said and took a deep breath to collect his thoughts before he continued.
"Was it the first time you saw someone die?" He asked and turned his head to face the stranger beside him. Ignis, who was breathing shallowly by his haunting feelings, shook his head solemnly and answered with an almost whispering voice.
"Not quite, though it was the first time that I saw children die. I… It could have been Noctis or it could have been Prompto or Iris… I… I know that I cannot think like that, I cannot hold on to all the 'what if's and 'if not's and all that. It will drive me insane if I continue down that path.
I am already rambling like a lunatic, good work there Ignis. Good work…" He muttered and placed a hand over his ribs again as another pulse of pain hit him. Even if Snow was looking another way, it did not escape him; he shook his head and placed a hand on the other man's shoulder.
"What do you say about going inside, drink some coffee and you can tell me a bit about yourself that does not include you beating yourself up over things that you cannot take the blame for?" He patted his shoulder and gently shoved him inside without waiting for an answer. Ignis smirked slightly, let Snow guide him onto a kitchen chair and took hold of a cup of coffee.
"Thank you kindly, I guess being stubborn in a situation like this is not really to my favor.
It seems like I have to learn to live with this new side of me and make the best of it."
He said, sipping his coffee. His thoughts whirled around for a while longer before he continued to speak.
"What do you want to know about me? Though have in consideration that I may be in no position to answer on some of your questions due to secrecy."
Snow nodded and smeared a roasted piece of bread before he gave it to Ignis and then took one himself.
"Works fine with me. Try to eat some, you have lost weight already." He said and placed the piece of bread by the other man's hand.
"How are you feeling? All of you." He waved his toasted bread with jam in the air and drank some coffee from his black mug; cared little to nothing about that he spilled over half the table. Ignis raised an eyebrow at the question and swallowed the liquid down.
'He is indeed a most peculiar man.' he thought and turned down his head as if to watch the table's surface.
"All of me? That was a new one… well, my body is sore and wounded but it will heal, most of it at least… my pride? I will pass on that and emotionally, I do not think that I am ready to sort that out just yet. I am afraid to say that I am not really an emotional being, it has not been appropriate during my years growing up, not even in my adolescence. Mentally, I am still wondering that myself, I do suspect that I am in shock.
I see the same scenery over, and over again. The last things I saw before I lost my vision.
Though I cannot remember any sounds, I cannot remember seeing a familiar face, it was a blur and then it all turned black. All I could think of in that darkness were my friends, my family… now, I am not so sure if I will ever meet them again."
Snow leaned back against the backrest and sighed in recognition, he had been there far too many times for his own liking, trapped in the thoughts of despair and depression far within himself.
"I hear you and I think that all we can do is to patch you up, see to it that you heal and regain your strength. Before you lose your mind preferably, I am not that fond of your sharp knives. You did scratch my back." He said with a hint of humor in a try to lighten the mood.
Ignis grimaced and placed the other hand on the coffee-mug too.
"I ask for forgiveness, it was not my intention to hurt you even if I was prepared to do so, have you cleaned it out?" He asked a bit worriedly, he did not want to hurt the man that had shown nothing but kindness towards him.
Snow chuckled and shook his head in bemusement.
He was not the man that cared about much, especially not about scratches or problems easily fixed.
"I would have done the same, nothing to worry about, you have enough already." He ate the last piece of his breakfast and refilled his cup with coffee.
"What exactly does a counselor do? Never heard of the title before, is it some kind of advisor or something?" He asked curiously and started to clean the table from the spilled jam as he listened to the answer.
"Indeed. It is a formal title for an advisor, I worked in the court of Lucis, advising and caring for the prince. He lost his mother at a young age so I have been there for him in other ways too. However, as my job I am advising in questions about the ruling, dealing with the peoples' concerns and demands, questions in peace and war, formalities… well, think of it as a paid fulltime parenting but with thrice the amount of work.
I do have to say that I enjoy my work quite much despite the small settle backs and arguments and I hope to return to his side one day when I feel well enough, and when he wakes up from his coma." He said solemnly and closed his eyes again.
He did not even understand why he kept opening them in hopeful attempts to see even the slightest piece of scenery. Snow laughed at the description and nodded as he seated on his chair again.
"Sounds like he is a handful?" He listened carefully but chose to avoid the parts of the conversation that got Ignis in a bad mood. The counselor nodded with a vague smile on his lips, he noticed all too well what his comrade was doing and he appreciated it as it made his current situation more bearable.
"Indeed… he is quite the child still, especially when it comes to his food and bedtimes.
He may be near twenty but sometimes I wonder if he has chosen to always be fifteen." He smiled fondly by the thought of his friend and searched with his hand for the thermos to refill his cup.
"I would do good calling them and ask if he has woken up yet but I may be forced to ask for some help there, I cannot even unlock my phone." He said a bit ashamed and carefully tried to pour some coffee up, though half of it landed on the table.
If it bothered the host he did not show it, he just cleaned it up with the rag he still held and chuckled at the first statement.
"Just tell me what I can do to help, I would be happy to." Snow answered and threw the rag in the sink.
"Your phone rang yesterday when you were asleep, I did not want to intrude on your privacy so I let it rang. I hope you do not mind."
Ignis shook his head and drank some of the little coffee that he succeeded to put into the cup.
"Thank you. Though I would very much appreciate if you would be so kind as to help me call them back; they are worried about me." He said and put his phone on the table.
"There is a pattern lock and a password, A1, B2, C3, C2, C1, B2, A3, B3, B2, B1, A2, the order of the pattern, the password is 748684567NLC and place my thumb on the scanning on the screen." He said and reached his hand forward, nearly tilting thermos at the floor but Snow subtle moved it before the accident happened.
"Okay, done, this is worse than breaking into Imperial computers… now, you have fifteen missed calls, twenty-eight missed messages, and four voice messages; most of them from Gladio, Prompto, and Iris… the last caller is Noct. Should I call him for you?"
"That would be very much appreciated, thank you," Ignis answered he felt most of his tension loosened up as he received his phone and put it to his ear.
The first tone barely made it through before the prince answered in an almost hysterical manner.
"Where the hell are you? Are you okay? What happens? When are you back? I have searched everywhere for you. Everyone has, there was an explosion and why have you not answered any calls or text messages since you talked to Gladio yesterday? Wh…"
The counselor blinked a few times, rose from the table and felt his way out of the kitchen and to the porch where he started to speak.
"Language Your Highness, I am quite alright, please do not worry about me.
I got hurt but it will heal. You should be in bed resting and not running around and stress yourself up." He said sternly and massaged his temple, he did not really have the mental energy to make this call but he knew it was of the need for the sake of his friends.
"I have been sleeping for a week until yesterday, was awake for a few hours and slept until this morning. I have not called you back because I could not, due to some unseen predicaments. Now please take a seat before you faint Noctis.
Your breathing pattern is cause for concern." He felt his way forward until he found a bench and seated on it while waiting for an answer on the phone.
"How dare you scold me at a time like this? Do you not get it that I am worried sick about you, you idiot? We all are! Prompto has been throwing up all night and you are not exactly helping by not being here where you should be! MOVE YOUR ARSE OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!" The prince yelled the last part and began to sob, it all was too much for him; everything was. He was worried and filled with guilt for everything that had happened.
Ignis took a deep breath, as deep as he could before he hissed from pain, and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Noct dear, listen to me very carefully. I cannot be there right now, I do not know where I neither do I know how to get to you. I am in no condition to travel; I am not deadly wounded but I am not healthy and I do know you Noctis, you will pull this through.
You are very strong and far too stubborn; sometimes more than a healthy amount. I am safe and I will heal, though I will be different when we meet again.
Please have patience, you can call me whenever you like. You know that. I will always be here for you and I understand that you are hurt, worried, sad and angry. We all are, but it will fade away eventually." He said calmly but felt nothing of that sort on the inside; all his emotions were set to the same, all he felt was a worry.
The prince took a deep breath to calm down and seated at his bed.
"Different how? You will always be Iggy, you know that right? You will always be our friend even if you are damaged on the inside." He said quietly and leaned against the headboard, his shallow and rapid breathes started to make him dizzy. Ignis was quiet for a moment and collected his thoughts and feelings, or he tried to at least but found it easier said than done.
"I am blind Noctis, I have lost my eyesight. I am uncertain of if I ever will see again and I can no longer fulfill my duties as your counselor." After spoken the words he rather had kept for himself, he was close to tears and had to bite his tongue not to pant from the pressure built up in his chest. The prince was quiet for such a long while that the other man feared that he had fainted, but finally, he answered, pained by guilt but honest.
"I am so sorry Iggy… I did not mean to… I should not have asked any of you to come with me. I should have known that so…"
"That is quite enough Noct. It is not your fault. I was being reckless and this is the price I have to pay. Now, are you lying down or do I have to call Gladio and ask him to put you to bed? We will talk more about this once we see each other again. You are going to rest, you have just woken up from a coma and you do sound exhausted.
Do not forget to eat your vegetables; I will call you again tonight.
Sleep well, Your Highness." He said and canceled the call, he knew the prince would be unsatisfied with him but he could not care any less at that moment.
His maternal instinct told him that Noctis had indeed used up more energy than reasonable and if being harsh was the only way to get it through, then so be it.
He put his phone in his pocket and felt his way inside the house again to find the host.
Ignis was in need of a shower to wash the dirt away and linger his aching muscles; although he wished he could wash away the images too; along with the traces of blood and other substances he did not want to know the origins of.
"Snow, would you mind lending me your shower?" He asked and stopped by the door to what he thought was the bathroom but turned out not to be.
The other man showed up once he had located him and cupped his left elbow in his hand.
"Not at all, but you may succeed better if you take a shower in the bathroom and not the cellar. Just a feeling I have." He said with a chuckle and helped Ignis inside the blue and white tiled bathroom.
"Do you want any help? I can wait in here; I have a shower curtain to hide behind." He asked and let go of Ignis once he stood steady.
Ignis thought it over for a while before he nodded.
"Might be a good idea, thank you; what may I use to wash, and where is it standing?" He asked and muttered under his breath: 'I guess I know how a mole has it…'
Snow patted his shoulder with an amused smile and guided him through the shower, reached him a towel when he was done and lent him some fresh clothes.
Clothes that looked comically large on the thinner built man.
Once he was dressed, they took another tour around the house to make him more familiar with it and then a trip outside in the garden. Before they knew about it, it was time for dinner and Ignis did not want to miss the chance of discovering if he still could cook or not; even if his newfound friend was against the idea of lending a blind man a knife, he did so but almost hovered by the bench in case of emergency.
"I am quite sure that I can chop carrots without an extra pair of hands. Would you please set the table before I accidentally hurt you with anything? I feel a bit uncomfortable when I cannot see your fingers." He muttered, though it was more of a subtle way of saying 'stop fussing over me, I can do this myself' but he did not want to sound rude.
Snow hummed and dried the table off, made it ready for dinner and then leaned against the sink unit while he waited.
"I am amazed over how well you cook even blinded, I cannot even fry an egg without putting it on fire, believe me, I have tried far too many times; cannot afford a new frying pan for a while." Ignis chuckled and felt his way over to the frying pan where he was frying the fish, he felt on the smell and by touch, that it was nearly done.
"Did you remember to put the butter or oil in? In that case, you have a too hot frying pan, you should flip it once the upper side has settled and put a pinch of salt and pepper on while it settles." The other man made an 'Oh…'-sound and put a hand at the back of his neck.
"So that is what she meant… my fiancé tried to teach me once; she said that a Chocobo cannot jump if unsteady on his feet. That was the strongest connection to eggs that I have ever heard, did not dare to tell her so though, my sister in law would chop me up next."
The statement made Ignis laugh and almost drop the fish on the floor while he plated it.
"Sounds like an interesting lady, what is her name?" Snow smirked and shook his head while putting the done plates at the table.
"Serah, my fiancé, her sister is called Lightning, though I do not know her real name.
She does not want to tell, try to see that after three years of hard work and struggling, she does not deem me worthy as a brother in law. Is that not a shame? I mean… who can resist petit little me?" He asked amused and took a seat at the table once the other man sat.
Ignis smiled warmly and felt with his hands after the silverware.
"Well… I do not know anything about that, but I do know that petit is French for little so I am not sure that you used that correctly." He took his other hand to feel for the food so he knew where to cut and tried to find his mouth.
"I never thought it would be so hard to eat with silverware while being blind and I must say it is a very interesting experience." Snow watched him with pity for a moment before he put his own silverware down, scratched his cheek and smiled mischievously.
"Let us eat with our fingers then, I might as well live up to my reputation as a barbarian."
"Eat with our fingers? Do you completely lack all kinds of manners?" Ignis asked though he could not say that it did not tempt him. He was far hungrier than he ever could recall being before. A smile played at his lips as he carefully touched the food with his fingers.
"Oh my… this feels so wrong… so, so wrong…" He mumbled and put a piece of the fish in his mouth with a wrinkle of his nose, the fish was way to salt and hard fried for his liking but the other man's satisfied sound made him keep his good mood nevertheless.
"This is so good. I might keep you as my personal chef." He said jokingly and put another piece of the food in his mouth.
"A bit messy to eat the sauce with fingers though, but you have to try everything at least once." Snow continued and chuckled. Ignis smiled warmly and dipped his fish in the sauce before he ate it, it was hard but he fought against the urge to instantly go and wash his hands.
Maybe there was something in the old saying that everything bad brought something good with it?
The rest of the day went on in about the same standards, laughter, stories, Ignis accidentally shoved things to the floor, Snow cleaning up while reassuring that everything was fine. Ignis would even go so far as to say that he enjoyed his stay there, the easy atmosphere, the friendly character and the calming nature around him.
He turned towards where he thought that his host was just before they parted to turn in for the night.
"Snow… would you mind telling me in which city we are? In case they ask again." He said and was about to put his glasses up by habit but caught himself in the middle of the act and lowered his hand again. The blond man looked at him with a fond smile and leaned his arm against the doorframe and leaned himself on his arm.
"New Bodhum, a coast town in the region of Gran Pulse; two days travel by airship from Altissia. You should invite your friends, I am sure Serah would love to meet them." He said and pushed himself away from the doorframe to walk up the stairs to the guest room.
Snow had taken upon himself to sleep there and let his blind friend have the only bedroom on the first floor, his own.
"Good night, I will probably be gone fetching Serah and Lightning when you wake up."
"Good night." Ignis countered and entered the room he slept in; he had memorized it quite well and made himself ready for bed before he laid down on it and picked up his phone. He used his voice commando to ask the built-in voice recognizing software to call Noctis.
And as the first time, only the first signal went through before the prince answered.
"Good evening Noctis, are you feeling better?" He asked calmly and lay down under the covers in the bed with a bit of a struggle due to his broken ribs.
The prince took a deep breath in relief and moved to the balcony to talk undisturbed.
"Physically at least… let us say that Prompto found a new area of use regarding duct tape.
My hair is a straight mess." He muttered unhappily and coughed in the crook of his arm.
Ignis frowned and stroked his right hand over his face.
"What do you mean by that? What exactly did Prompto do with that duct tape, Your Highness?" He asked tiredly but wondered if he really did want to know the answer on that. Noctis chuckled and leaned against the parapet of the balcony at the hotel.
"Well… I may have caught a cold after all the battling in the sea, I… well… I was trying to sneak out to get a bit of air while Gladio was away but Prompto taped me to my bed instead and demanded me to rest." The counselor sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Noctis Lucis Caelum… you have to rest up until you are healthy, wear your jacket and eat your greeneries. Do not for a second think that I will let you get away with this once I am back. You will wish that you were born deaf." He scolded sternly only to be met by warm laughter.
"You know Iggy… I have missed that. I miss you very much… you are like a parent to me, someone who keeps me calm and secure, someone who makes me feel safe, loved and cared for. I need you, Iggy… I need your words, your voice humming me to sleep, your nagging at my eating habits, your mum-ish behavior. I am not ready to be this Noctis. I am so lost… I feel so empty and alone though I know that I am not… I dream about her… I see Ardyn stab her over, and over again. I see all the blood… you were missing… I had no idea of where any one of you was and then it all went black and I woke up and you were gone… Just like that time with Marilith." He said and started to cry violently, the sound tore Ignis heart apart and he took a seat in his bed again and started to hush him.
"Hush dear… deep breaths Noctis, deep breaths and try to calm down.
Everything will work out one way or another. I know it hurts very much though it will eventually fade away to memories." He tried to calm the hysterical prince for quite a while before he gave up and asked.
"Would you put Prompto on the phone please and try to go to sleep? I will call you tomorrow." Noctis mumbled something and canceled the call instead before he went to bed. Ignis huffed and closed his eyes, it did not take long for the exhaustion to reach he and he fell into a heavy sleep.