Chapter Three
Elizabeth knew she wasn't supposed to look back and had to keep moving forward. Not looking back wasn't much of a challenge. Now that she knew she would eventually be met by another guide, there weren't any concerns about going the wrong direction and getting lost. There was only so far off track she could get before someone else showed up to redirect her, and nobody had actually needed to do that so far. The keep moving forward was starting to become a concern though. She could gather from what many she'd met had mentioned that she only had so much time to make it to wherever she was supposed to be going. What would happen if she didn't make it there on time she didn't know for sure, but she suspected she knew the answer anyway. The problem was she was starting to become incredibly tired. There were some moments when her feet felt encased in lead and picking them up became a near impossible task. Oddly enough, Elizabeth didn't feel remotely out of breath. She was experiencing more of a bone deep weariness.
Stumbling to a stop, Elizabeth hoped she was nearing the end of this experience. She wasn't sure how much more she could take. In that moment she would have sat down if she hadn't been concerned she wouldn't be able to get back up if she did. Her gut was telling her there was still a long way to go and she couldn't afford to stop, especially in a way that might stop her for good. No matter how difficult the situation, Elizabeth had never let anything beat her before. She wasn't about to start now. Forcing herself back into motion even though she could barely even drag her feet along the ground, she kept going.
Elizabeth hadn't gone much further – or at least she didn't think that she had – before she had to wonder if her exhaustion was making her mind play tricks on her. So far the only noises that she'd heard had come directly from her guides. Buttercup's footsteps and breaths. Speech from Patrick, Anton, and Fred. She hadn't been able to hear anything else, even sounds she'd tried to make, so it made no sense to be hearing music, especially music she wasn't all that familiar with. It sounded like ballroom music. The kind that people would dance to with a partner at extremely formal events. Hearing it sent an eerie feeling through her. It had to mean something after all, and she couldn't think of any good reasons why something so drastic would change. Maybe that was her warning that she was almost out of time? Legs trembling, she forced herself a few more steps, but it didn't pay off. She was so tired that her foot caught and she nearly wound up on the ground. Honestly, she had no idea how she caught herself and managed to stay on her feet. While she was trying to regain her balance and the motivation to keep going someone spoke from right next to her.
"May I offer you a dance?"
Elizabeth's head jerked up and her eyes met Zahed Javani's. He smiled warmly at her, hand held out in offer and completely unperturbed by their odd meeting. Then again, most of their meetings had been odd.
"We are supposed to be partners, after all. Or at least we were," he continued when she didn't respond. "You look like you could use a dance."
"Zahed…" She slid her hand into his and let him help her right herself, but that was the most she thought she could offer. "I don't think this is the best time for that, and even if it were, I wouldn't make a very good partner right now. I can barely stand up, let alone dance."
"Then it is the perfect time. It should give you the strength to keep going. Come."
Not giving her a choice, he pulled her forward and turned her stumbling steps into the first steps of a dance as he rested his hand on her hip. Left without any option now, Elizabeth let him lead her. The first steps were excruciating and she wound up clinging to him for support. As she danced, however, she discovered that Zahed had been right. Her strength was coming back and the heaviness that had settled over her body was easing considerably. Soon enough she was able to support herself and become an equal partner in their dance.
"Your exhaustion is because your real body is failing," Zahed explained once he was sure she was in a state that she could process what he was telling her. "Your connection to it, as tenuous as it was when you started down this path, is wearing down even further. However, no matter how much damage has been done to your real body, it doesn't matter here. The only thing that matters here is willpower. The old adage of, "If you have a will, then there is a way," applies well here, and you have never lacked willpower, Elizabeth."
"No, I haven't."
"Then use that to get you home. You have a life to live still. Whenever you feel as if you cannot go on, remember who is waiting for you there. Your husband. Your children. The entire United States, dare I say."
All of that was true, and Elizabeth knew she should listen to it and take his statement for what it was. Encouragement. The problem was, she couldn't help thinking of Zahed's wife and his children. He would never make it back to them. While she couldn't claim quite as direct a cause for his death as she could for Fred Cole's since the coup would have targeted him with or without her presence, she still felt partially to blame.
"And you were taken away from your wife and children."
It hurt to say, and it brought back the expression on Abdol's face after Zahed's death. That sliced into her heart even more. Seeing Abdol's complete devastation and being unable to get to him had been the defining moment in all the horror of that day in Iran. If Zahed had known what his son had gone through, she was confident he would despise her. There had been moments when she'd hated herself for not being able to do anything. There still were.
"Elizabeth."
When she looked up at his eyes she was stunned to see understanding there. Not just understanding, but the gravity of knowledge. While she didn't know how much he actually knew, it was clear he had some level of awareness of what had transpired after his death. Despite that, there was no judgement.
"Do not grieve for me. I am at peace and can watch my children grow even if I can no longer impact their lives."
"Your death profoundly impacted their lives."
"That it did, but they will grow stronger despite it, or perhaps because of it."
"But…"
She was stopped as Zahed's finger landed on her lips to silence her.
"No, Elizabeth. You are not to blame for what happened, nor can you continue to focus on it. You cannot lead by looking only to the past. The past is only meant to teach you so you do not make the same mistakes again. You are in the position now to make sure none of the mistakes between Iran and the United States happen again." He slowed their dance to a stop and released her. "Now go. You have much to do."
"Zahed…"
"Go, Elizabeth. It was a pleasure to get a chance to see you again. I wish you all the best."
Elizabeth took a deep breath to steady herself. She knew she needed to go, just as Zahed said, but it was hard to leave him behind. Survivor's guilt still plagued her.
"Goodbye, Zahed," she whispered before turning away and continuing on into the darkness.
At least she intended to do that. Zahed called out and stopped her.
"I do not fault you for anything that happened. Do not fault yourself either."
Her next breath shuddered through her body, and she struggled not to cry. Unable to face him when she was only holding on by a thread, Elizabeth lifted her hand in thanks. That didn't feel like enough though. He had just given her full redemption, after all. Whether she was ready to accept it at the moment didn't matter. Closing her raised hand into a fist, she thrust it high into the air. She would face her guilt, beat it, and move on. Just as he was asking.
As Elizabeth continued onward she did her best simply to not think about Iran. After years of trying not to let what had happened weigh her down, she knew she wasn't going to magically let go of her guilt in the next few minutes. That would take time. Thinking about Zahed didn't hurt as much anymore though, so that was a step in the right direction. Speaking with him again had made all the difference. Maybe now she would actually be able to move on from her experience or at least become a little more at peace with the outcome.
The big question in all of that was whether she would even get the opportunity to move on. It was still possible that she could die or was already dead. Zahed's explanation of why she'd been so tired left her wondering exactly what she was experiencing in life. Nothing good from the sound of it. If her body was failing then she must be hurt pretty badly. That was an odd thought since she wasn't in any pain here. The most she felt was fatigue, but like Zahed had told her that was easily overcome simply by putting her will to ignoring it. At first she'd figured if she actually died she would know it when it happened. Now she was beginning to wonder about that. If she couldn't feel anything else, would she be able to feel her death? Maybe she should start trying to work her way past her guilt over Zahed's death now, just in case.
She'd barely had the opportunity to think that before new guilt assaulted her. Her next guide had appeared out of the darkness, and he didn't look particularly pleased to see her.
"You can't be here, Lizzie."
Yousif Obaid stood in front of her looking incredibly serious and rather disappointed with her. That expression didn't last very long though. Only a moment after she'd registered who he was, a smile started tugging at the edge of his lips.
"At least one of us has to achieve our goal of changing the world."
Elizabeth's chest constricted and tears filled her eyes. Just seeing her friend would have been enough to make her cry, but he had just used nearly the same words she'd told him before he'd gone back to Bahrain. That made it so much worse. It was also a brutal reminder of just how Yousif had died. And why. If she hadn't pushed him and insisted that he do something, he would still be alive.
"Yousif…"
"Don't say it," he warned.
She blinked. So far she hadn't said a word to him other than speaking his name.
"What?"
"I know that look on your face, Lizzie. I know what you want to say, and I don't want to hear it. My death wasn't your fault, and I won't let you take the blame for it."
He had always known her incredibly well, but apparently he was basically able to read her mind now. She'd been planning to apologize profusely to him for what she had done. That intention had probably shown on her face. She had no reason to hide her guilt from her friend, and she was guilty. Incredibly guilty. Just because he didn't want to hear her apologies didn't mean she wasn't going to give them.
"If I hadn't pushed you…"
"Ah, now there you go ignoring my wishes. Is that any way to treat a friend you haven't seen in a few years?"
Elizabeth knew he was teasing. His quirky smile was a dead giveaway. Normally she would slug him in response to that or at the very least hit him with a heavy dose of sarcasm. This wasn't a normal discussion though. While Yousif was at the point that he could joke about his death, Elizabeth definitely wasn't. She couldn't let it go either.
"You were shot because…"
"Because I did the right thing," Yousif corrected before she could blame herself out loud. "You reminded me of what I was fighting for. To change the world and right all of the wrongs we had seen even as children. You didn't make that decision for me. I made my own choice, and it was the right one."
"How can you say it was the right one when you died?"
"Death does not alter whether a moral choice was right. Some things are worth risking your life for. That is a concept I know you understand."
She did understand. It was that very concept that had led her to Iran despite the risks involved.
"A press conference shouldn't have been a risk to your life."
"You do realize how ironic that sounds considering what brought you here."
"Oh come on, Joey. This isn't the same thing."
At least she didn't think that it was. She honestly wasn't sure what had happened. It was very possible the event had been a targeted attack on her. Even if it had been however, she hadn't been giving a speech about controversial topics or been pressured into taking a stand by someone else despite the risks she knew would be involved.
"Neither of us could have known my speech would be leaked or that it would result in my death. I don't blame you. I don't know how many times I need to say it before you believe me. If anything, Lizzie, I thank you for what you did. I had never wanted to live my life passively. Thanks to you I got back on the right path again, regardless of the consequences."
"I'm so sorry."
"As am I. For some things. But not for others. I am proud to have died doing something that would have moved my country forward. I do not regret it." He grinned at her and held his arms wide. "Now get over here at give me a hug."
Elizabeth laughed. She couldn't stay upset around Yousif. He had always had that kind of impact on her. If he was willing to let her off the hook for what she had done, then she was going to have to accept that. Instead of wasting whatever time she had left with him by focusing on her guilt, she was going to enjoy it. Smiling herself now, she tossed her arms around her friend's neck and held on tight.
"I've missed you," she whispered.
"You've managed quite well on your own without your co-captain to guide you through the tough spots."
Elizabeth pulled away and slapped at his chest in indignation.
"You have our positions reversed! I was always the one to get us out of the tough spots."
"I think something is wrong with your memory, Madam President."
"Hardly. Rather something is wrong with yours. After all, you did just say I was doing quite well on my own. That is evidence of that fact that I was the one to handle the difficult situations."
"Or you simply learned from the master."
And this was why she'd liked him so much. No matter what they were debating, no matter how ridiculous the argument, Yousif had always been able to come back with a smart retort or continued argument to anything she'd say. She wasn't exactly a pushover in that department either though.
"Be careful, Joey, or I'll retaliate and make you cry. I know all of your ticklish spots after all."
Yousif grinned widely, white teeth gleaming like a shark. That was the expression he'd always had on his face when he knew he had someone trapped. Seeing it directed at her now made Elizabeth incredibly nervous. She didn't see the trap he'd designed even though she was sure it had just snapped shut around her.
"Ah, Lizzie. I knew there was something wrong with your memory. That argument works both ways you know. I'm aware of all your ticklish spots too."
Elizabeth's jaw dropped open. He definitely had gotten her trapped, and it was in a most uncomfortable situation.
"You wouldn't dare!"
"I might," Yousif replied as his smile slid into a smirk. "If there were time. Unfortunately there is not. You need to keep moving, Lizzie."
That was true, and she knew it. Delaying wouldn't do her any good. In fact, it could cost her everything. She really didn't want to leave him yet though, or even continue to walk alone.
"Walk with me for a little while? Please?"
It wasn't quite an admission of fear, but Yousif could easily tell it was the closest she was going to get to admitting she was nervous. Of course he couldn't blame her. Walking through this dark unknown alone for so long had to be intimidating.
"I suppose I could. For a little while at least."
The tension in Elizabeth's body drained out as relief spread through her. She nearly skipped over to him and grabbed his hand. As they started walking in silence she leaned against his arm. Yousif had been her best friend and rock during the hardest time of her life. He'd given her the support she'd needed when she'd been lost and alone. Now, in a time of similar need, he could do the same thing for her again.
Elizabeth had no idea how long they walked together, not a single word exchanged between them. Finally though, Yousif came to a sudden stop. He pulled her hand to his lips and lightly kissed her knuckles in a very courtly gesture.
"Go make your mark, Elizabeth. It's your time now."
The direct words weren't said, but Elizabeth knew that was their goodbye.
"I won't let you down."
Squeezing his hand in thanks, she turned away to continue her solitary journey. There were things she had to accomplish on the other side, so she had to make it back there no matter what.