"Niles…" Daphne couldn't help laughing as her boyfriend edged away from a spider that was calmly crawling past them.
"What? Spiders bite!" Niles protested. "It could be a brown recluse or a black widow, or..."
"Just keep walking. It won't kill you."
It was a mild spring day and they were visiting the botanical gardens. They continued strolling the paths, admiring the many varieties of flowers, plants, and trees, enjoying every moment. Then, just as they approached the cactus garden, they heard an all too familiar voice.
"Look at how many leaves and dead petals they let fall on the paths, Richard," the shrill voice said. "It's so untidy! If I ran the place I would NEVER let the gardeners get away with that."
"It's a really big place, Hyacinth," came the mild reply. "It's impossible to keep up with every leaf."
Niles and Daphne had no choice but to keep walking, as there was no other way to the cacti. Besides, they couldn't help pulling up a little to see what was happening.
Yes, it was Her, decked out in a stiffly tailored tweed ensemble, three strands of pearls, and white gloves, accenting with a feathered hat.
"Dear God," Niles said in an undertone. "Does she think she's the Queen of England?"
"Hardly," Daphne said. "Queen Elizabeth is much nicer and more elegant than her. That Hyacinth is just trying too hard!"
"Careless...so careless," Hyacinth was saying.
Daphne couldn't refrain from laughing. Hyacinth whirled and her eyes widened with shock at who she saw.
"Oh, it's... you," she said coldly. "Go on, laugh at me. I expect nothing better from young people these days!"
"Oh, I wasn't laughing at you. I was laughing at…something funny he said," Daphne invented.
She nodded at Niles, who played along. "Uh, yeah, she's always laughing at my silly jokes."
Just then, a cell phone rang. It was Hyacinth's.
"Hellooo?" she said in an excessively lofty voice. There was a pause.
"It's pronounced, 'Bouquet'!" she said crisply a few moments later. "B-u-c-k-e-t—'Bouquet'. I do hope our evening won't commence with further mistakes. Seven o'clock? Very well. We will be there."
She turned to Richard. "That was the man from Cigar Volante. He pronounced our name 'Bucket'! Well, he got us a reservation for tomorrow night days, but my expectations are low, if he can't even pronounce our name right."
Niles and Daphne didn't mean to eavesdrop, but they couldn't tear themselves away, so fascinated they were with this woman's pompousness. Hastily they pretended to be deeply entrenched in observing a rare, dark purple tulip.
"I think that would look very nice in an English garden, don't you?"
Daphne startled as Hyacinth appeared next to her, seemingly past what had happened between them at Chez Henri.
"I guess so."
"Well, now that we keep running into each other, perhaps we should introduce ourselves. I'm Hyacinth BOUQUET and this is my husband, Richard."
Daphne shook her and Richard's hands politely. Richard gave her a genuine smile.
"I'm Daphne Moon, and this is my boyfriend, Niles Crane."
"Pleased to meet you," Niles said.
"Oh, I thought you were her husband," Hyacinth said, sounding surprised.
"Goodness, no," Niles said, puzzled at Hyacinth's demeanor. "We've only been going out for a few months."
"Oh. Well...excuse me for my assumption. Back in my day, courting couples always had a chaperone. Being alone together often leads to giving into temptation."
Niles and Daphne exchanged as secretive smile at Hyacinth's euphemism. How horrified she'd be if she knew that they spent many nights "giving into temptation"!
"Well, we'll be off," Daphne said hastily, perturbed at the very personal direction the conversation had taken.
"Wait, wait," Hyacinth said. "Why don't we walk with you?"
"Hyacinth," Richard said timidly, "we mustn't bother them."
"Nonsense. They can tell us about their fine city and give us a tour of these gardens. It's a lot nicer doing things with locals. Richard! Do stop frowning! Where's that diplomatic smile?"
Daphne and Niles tried to get away without being obvious, but Hyacinth was as persistent as a mosquito. Still, wasn't too bad at first; she peppered them with questions about Seattle but was polite. It wasn't long until she was back to her obnoxious self, however.
Upon learning that Niles was the brother of "that radio shrink, Frasier Crane" she declared that it was very distasteful to air one's grievances and that prudent people would let God sort things out. Mentioning God then turned Hyacinth to ask Daphne if she was "still Anglican".
"What's it like in West Midlands?" Daphne said quickly to avoid a discussion about religion.
"Oh, it's lovely," Hyacinth crooned. "We have such beautiful countryside. I love to host riverside suppers. And on fine days, I volunteer at our church to help maintain the grounds. Our young vicar is so grateful for my help that he's practically speechless. I also return his great services to the Church by inviting him to my candlelight suppers. I am well known in my neighborhood for those suppers."
"Oh yes, I'm sure you are," Daphne said with forced interest (and some skepticism).
"Our son, Sheridan, takes after me," Hyacinth declared as they went from the cactus garden into the warm, steamy rainforest greenhouse. "He is so creative, and he's doing very well at university. Richard, you're perspiring!"
Hyacinth's abrupt scolding startled her reluctant companions.
"I can't help it, Hyacinth, you know I'm very sensitive to heat and humidity," Richard protested.
"It is very ungentlemanly to perspire in public."
There was a brief, awkward silence. Niles tried to save the situation. He smiled encouragingly at the timid Mr. Bucket. He'd once been there—the subservient husband who followed marching orders.
"It is rather warm in here," he said supportively.
Richard gave Niles a grateful smile, but quickly turned his attention back to Hyacinth when she spoke to him. She was leaning over a large bird-of-paradise plant.
"Don't you think this would look beautiful in our garden?"
"I don't think it's hot enough or humid enough to grow in England, Hyacinth," Richard said.
"Nonsense! I'm sure you can make it grow if you just try hard enough. You need to be more executive, Richard! Just think of how lovely it would look in our front garden! We'd be the talk of the neighborhood!"
While Hyacinth was pontificating on this point, Niles and Daphne managed to slip away, hurrying through the greenhouse and out into the crisp air. They looked at each other and laughed.
"She's a nightmare!" Daphne exclaimed.
"Poor Richard," Niles said. "I've been there, where it's been easier to just back down than to be assertive."
"You did stand up for yourself eventually, though," Daphne said encouragingly, thinking of his standoff with Mel.
"I only did it for you. Without you…I never would have had the courage to do that."
"And you were wonderful," Daphne declared.
In a sudden burst of emotion, she kissed him deeply. They lingered for several moments, until a disapproving exclamation caused them to break the kiss. They saw Hyacinth looking at them with a disapproving expression.
"Is something wrong, Hyacinth?" Daphne asked tartly.
"I just think displays of romantic behavior are best kept behind closed doors," Hyacinth answered.
To the surprise of Niles and Daphne, Richard chimed in nervously.
"Hyacinth, it's really no one's business."
A cold expression that Niles knew only too well from his ill-advised marriages clouded Hyacinth's face.
"Richard, don't shout outdoors!" she hissed.
Richard looked so defeated that Niles couldn't take it anymore. He had to help this poor creature if he could, and instantly concocted a plan. While the Buckets sidetracked a bit to admire a bird, he whispered his plan to Daphne. She was none too keen on the plan, but she pitied Richard, so she agreed. When the Buckets rejoined them, Niles spoke up.
"Daphne and I would like to take you to lunch at the Space Needle," he declared. His 'like' was quite forced, but Hyacinth beamed widely.
"How lovely!" she exclaimed. "Where's your car? Did you want to go now?"
"Maybe they want to meet us there, Hyacinth," Richard said. "We can get a cab."
"Nonsense! I'm sure our good friends would be so courteous as to drive us."
Niles felt put on the spot.
"Why, yes, of course we'll drive you."
A/N: There are a number of botanic gardens in Seattle, so for convenience I made one up. It's loosely based on the botanical garden in Washington, D.C. (highly recommended!)