Hey everyone!
So, I finally had some down time today... relaxing by the pool does wonders for writers block haha! I'm posting through the app so apologies if it's formatted strangely.
Probs should have mentioned that we are ignoring that train wreck of a scene in the last ep where Kate says to Mike he's the only one she would marry. Because we all know in my mind she should have/ would have married Jim. Lol anyway on with it there's a bit of an A/N at the end too...
Fine is a 4 Letter Word
Chapter 3
An hour or so later Kate flopped on to her couch exhausted from her cleaning frenzy. She glanced around her house and nodded with approval, it looked like it used to "before". She had even cleared her wine rack and stashed the bottles in the cupboard, she sat there wondering whether it was a bit much, was it over kill? Was she over thinking it? She let out a sigh and reached for the remote and turned on the TV, she leaned her arm on the side of the couch and rested her head on her arm and closed her eyes. She had just settled her mind when a knock in the door caused her to jump to her feet. She groaned and glanced towards the door and considered ignoring it but the knock became more insistent.
She let out a huff and dragged her feet to the door, she opened it and was shocked to see Maxine. She immediately tried to straighten herself out and look as put together as possible while wearing pyjamas.
"Ma'am, I wasn't expecting you..."
Maxine strategically placed herself in the door way so Kate couldn't dismiss her.
"Yeah, sorry for the intrusion Kate, I just wanted to have a chat..."
Kate knew she didn't really have a choice so she nodded and opened the door to let her in. Maxine entered and discreetly looked around trying to gather if Kate needed more support than she was letting on. Kate immediately noticed her eyes darting around the room and sighed, thank god she had cleaned up.
"Ah so, what do I owe the pleasure?"
Maxine sat on the couch and wondered where she should start.
"So how are you?"
Kate refused to make eye contact and fiddled with the string on her pyjama pants.
"Fine..."
Maxine glanced over to her and observed her closed demeanour, she knew it was going to be harder than she thought.
"I umm, noticed that you hadn't kept your appointment with the counsellor."
Kate nervously shifted in her seat, she had already discussed this once today, and once was enough.
"Yeah, I just didn't feel like it."
Maxine wanted the conversation to be casual and friendly but it was clear from Kate's lack of communication that that approach wasn't going to work, she went into Commander Mode.
"Do you want to return to work Kate?"
Kate glanced up at her noticing her tone change then focused back at the floor.
"I dunno, Ma'am..."
She could feel Maxine's eyes on her, Maxine crossed one leg over the other and folded her hands in her lap.
"Well, you need to keep that appointment if you do. I seem to get the impression that you've lost your way a little..."
Kate wondered if 2Dads had been in her ear, she sank further into the couch feeling cornered. Maxine watched Kate's body language change and felt a little bad, she was trying to be tough on her to get her to realise what she was doing to herself. She sighed and reverted back to her original approach not wanting her to feel worse.
"Kate, I know you have been through a lot but I just wanted to let you know that you're a valued part of our crew and we do want you back when you're ready. We don't want to rush you but I thought you'd like to know that there will be a CO position available in the near future. If you're not ready to talk to someone that's okay but just thought it might give you a little push to see that counsellor..."
Kate sat there in silence not knowing what to think, it was almost like she was bribing her to go see someone. Maxine patted her arm for encouragement.
"Kate, you know this wasn't your fault, right? Don't let it eat away at you. You've worked extremely hard to get where you are, don't let your inner demon ruin it."
Kate nodded slightly trying to find the strength to respond.
"I don't want this job out of pity Ma'am..."
Maxine gave her a stern look then smirked.
"Kate, they don't hand out sympathy CO positions, this is the Navy..."
She stood up and turned to leave, Kate called out after her.
"Ma'am?"
Maxine stopped and turned at the door.
"Did 2Dads put you up to this?"
"He gave me a push, but I was coming to see you anyway. He believes in you Kate, you've got a good friend there..."
Maxine left leaving Kate more confused, she exhaled sharply and sat back in the nook of her couch, she drew her legs up to her chest and slumped her head forward on to her knees. She was just so sick of the pity, of course she knew that they were just trying to help but it made her feel worse, like they didn't believe that she could do it by herself.
She closed her eyes thinking about Maxine and 2Dads words, suddenly, it was like a switch flipped in her brain, she instantly became annoyed. Maxine said she thought that she had 'lost her way', what was that supposed to mean? She hadn't lost her way, she had lost someone she loved, she had lost her future and happiness. A tear escaped from her eye and she immediately wiped it away pretending it never existed.
She rose from the couch and made her way to the kitchen and opened the freezer door, as the cold air from the freezer hit the warm Cairns air it formed a mist that blocked her view of the interior. Her hand swatted it away and after a few seconds it disappeared revealing the frosted bottle of Grey Goose.
A slight smile crossed her face as she gripped the lid and twisted it breaking the seal. Her thoughts were getting louder, she couldn't wait to silence them and took a swig straight from the bottle. She waited a moment and took another drink, it didn't work, she slammed the bottle on to the bench and leaned her hands on the bench supporting her body weight. She let out a frustrated scream, she was going to prove them wrong, she didn't need any help, she could do this by herself but she may have to have attend one session just to shut them up. She dragged the bottle towards her and took another mouthful, just thinking about having to talk to a shrink made her want to skull the whole bottle, she needed to find a way to get through a session without giving too much away. She plonked herself back on to the couch and picked up her phone and scrolled through the names, she stopped at Dr. Cowan and pressed the call button.
"Yes Hi, my name is Kate McGregor and I would like to book the next available appointment. Yes, I can do tomorrow afternoon. Thank you, see you then."
She hung up the phone and started to panic, her breathing became shallow and her heart started to beat faster. What if this Doctor saw right through her? What if she refused to clear her? She needed to calm herself, she ran back into the kitchen and grabbed the bottle of vodka and poured herself a glass, she brought the glass to her lips and hesitated wondering whether this was part of the problem. She shook her head at the thought and downed the glass. There was a knock on the door, it startled her and the glass fell from her hand and smashed on the tiles.
"Shit!"
She knelt down trying to pick up the bigger pieces, Mike came running into the house hearing the glass break.
"Kate?"
Kate looked up to see Mike standing above her, she glanced back down at the broken glass and let out an aggravated huff, great, this was all she needed. Mike's body stiffened as the waft of vodka caught his nose, Kate could see that he was analysing the scene in front of him.
"Mike, what are you doing here?"
He was caught off guard, he hadn't thought how he was going to start the conversation.
"Ah, I was just in the area..."
He mentally kicked himself, that was lame, even for him. He knew that she would see right through it. She stood and rummaged around under the sink and grabbed the dustpan, Mike attempted to take it from her.
"Here, let me..."
She snatched it back.
"Mike, what do you want? You're the 3rd person to visit me today, and for the last 4 weeks people have avoided me like the plague, so don't tell me it is a coincidence..."
Mike reached out to touch her hand, trying to make her feel more at ease.
"Kate..."
She immediately moved away, it was more pity.
"No Mike, what do you want?"
"I, I just wanted to see how you were..."
Kate knelt down and swept up the glass avoiding is concerned eyes.
"Well, as you can see, I am fine..."
She pushed passed him and dumped the glass in the bin.
"So you can go..."
Mike sighed, this wasn't going to plan.
"Okay, well we should catch up for a coffee or something..."
Kate had had enough, she spun around and chucked the dustpan on the cupboard and flashed a defiant smile.
"Yeah, sure Mike, let's go to lunch..."
He smiled, he thought she was warming to the idea. She stepped closer and gave him one of her famous steel-eyed looks.
"And while we're at it we can talk about all the wonderful things that have brought us to this moment in time, our healthy on again off again relationship, the swipes we've had at each other when we have dated others oh and not forgetting my dead boyfriend."
Mike stood there stunned at the words coming from her mouth, he held his tongue, she was only focusing on the negative, which at this point was understandable. He knew he wasn't going to get through to her when she was like this, he sighed and left without saying a word.
He walked back into Navcom and into his office, Maxine spotted him and knocked on his door.
"So?"
He shook his head deep in thought.
"She knows, it was too obvious..."
Maxine sat down at his desk.
"Maybe we should talk to her together?"
He shook his head insistently and turned on his laptop.
"No, that would be worse, she'd feel like we're ganging up on her, she just needs to be reminded of what she loved about the Navy..."
"Maybe we should talk to 2Dads..."
Mike tilted his head wondering why Maxine was talking about 2Dads.
"2Dads?"
"Yeah, he actually started all this..."
"Mmm, maybe just give her a day or 2, she knows we care about her."
The next morning Kate awoke with a jolt, she was covered in sweat and tears fell from her eyes uncontrollably. She ran her hands over her face and leaned her elbows in her knees. She closed her eyes taking a few deep breaths in trying to calm herself, it was another nightmare. They had plagued her every night since Jim had died, all the dreams were different but they had a common theme, Jim being in trouble and Kate needing to save him, but they all ended the same way, with him dying.
She wiped the tears from her face and threw back the blanket pulled herself out of bed. Maybe she did need to get back to work, it would be a good distraction but she needed to make everyone believe that she was okay first. She paced around the room trying think of a solution, after 20 minutes of brainstorming she got into the shower and made herself presentable She took a deep breath and forced a smile on her face, she stepped in front of the mirror to check that it looked believable. She had read that smiling caused the body to release endorphins, which was supposed to make you feel happier, but she didn't feel any happier. She tired a bigger smile and held her breath hoping it would work, after she couldn't hold her breath any longer she exhaled and lost the smile. She tried once more but the person in the reflection smiling back at her felt far from the person she now was. It was the old uncomplicated, happy Kate, Jim's death was hard but she didn't realise how much it had changed her. She stood there for a moment wondering if this was the person she always been and she was just hiding it.
Kate hesitated before she knocked on Maxine's door and forced the smile she had practiced all the way to Navcom. She knocked and heard Maxine call out for her to enter.
"Ma'am?"
Maxine looked up and smiled.
"Kate? What can I do for you?"
As Kate walked into her office Maxine discreetly looked her up and down and noted that she looked more like herself.
"I umm, I wanted to talk to you about the CO position..."
Maxine gestured for her to sit, she sat and folded her hands in her lap and cleared her throat.
"I umm, I've made an appointment for later today..."
"That's great..."
"And I umm, I would like to put my hand up for the position..."
"That's great Kate, look you will need to be cleared... and I don't want to rush you."
"I know and that's completely understandable. I just really appreciate you coming around yesterday, I appreciate your kind words..."
"Well, they were all true Kate. You're an incredible asset to any team but we just need to make sure you're fine. But when you are ready we can get you back out at sea and see how the position suits..."
"Thanks, Ma'am.."
Kate walked out of her office and mentally ticked Maxine off her list, next was 2Dads. Kate walked into goat central and knocked on 2Dads door.
He opened it in his boxers, Kate couldn't help but giggle. He covered himself as his cheeks turned bright red.
"Ma'am, what are you doing here?"
She was about to apologise and had a thought, she decided to give him a scare first, her expression turned dark and she stormed into his room.
"You had no right to go see Maxine..."
2Dads swallowed hard, he knew by her face that the next few minutes weren't going to be pretty.
"Ma'am, I..."
She spun round to confront him.
"Do you know what you've done?"
He stood there too scared to answer, a grin grew on her face as she flung her arms around him and whispered in his ear.
"Thank you..."
He stood there shocked and confused at her reaction, she burst out laughing and gave him a playful shove.
"Seriously, thanks..."
He took a moment to register what was happening.
"So does that mean you're coming back?"
"Maxine said that I need to complete my counselling but when I'm cleared I'm back on Hammersley..."
He gave her a friendly shove, a retaliation for tricking him.
"That's awesome! It'll be so good to have you back! Well have to arranged a crew catch up and..."
She placed her hand on his shoulder and laughed.
"We've got a few weeks, just one step at a time..."
She flashed him a smile and walked out of his room satisfied that she had covered her previous behaviour.
End Chapter 3.
Okay, so I realise that some of you may find this a bit OC for Kate but I feel like she has the potential to 'crack' or 'spiral' due to her rule following and 'straight' nature. I kinda like the idea of 'Dark Kate'.
I should also mention that this story will deal with some issues that may make readers feel uncomfortable. I don't mean that to sound super serious, I mean the issues are and you've already started to read some of them but I thought you all should have some sort of warning but also I want you to know that I do have some personal experience in handling grief the 'wrong' way so I'm not just guessing but also I don't mean to offend anyone!
Please review. Xx