Hey everyone!
So, had a fab day of spotting wild animals in the National Parks of Sri Lanka but got incredibly sunburnt so had a quiet arvo inside so was a goood chance to write another chapter!
But first, on a serious note, if there are any NZers reading this, just know I am thinking of you!
Fine is a 4 Letter Word.
Chapter 4.
The next morning Kate lay in her bed staring at the ceiling, she glanced over to her bedside clock, her eyes scanned the numbers, 559am. She had been awake for the past few hours anxious about her counselling session. She rolled over and buried her face in her pillow trying to quiet her mind and get some more sleep. She tossed and turned and clamped her eyes closed and rolled back over to face her clock, she opened one eye and sighed as she saw the time, 603am. She flung her covers back with a groan and rose from the bed.
2 hours later she sat at her kitchen bench, her hands wrapped around a cup of coffee. She had showered, washed and blow dried her hair and tried on about 7 different outfits.
Her right leg bounced persistently on the bottom rail of the stool, her eyes widened as she glanced down at it willing it to stop. She focused back on her mug, coffee probably wasn't helping her nerves but vodka wasn't really an option. She scoffed to herself, the fact that the thought even crossed her mind made her question her own sanity.
She looked at her watch and downed the rest of the cup. She hated being late, even to things that she didn't want to go to.
She pulled up in the car park and switched off the engine, she immediately felt her heart beat faster and regretted not Irish-ing up her coffee earlier. Her hand hovered over the keys in the ignition, it took every ounce of strength in her body to not restart the engine and drive back home and drown her throughs with vodka. Shaking her head at herself, she snatched the keys out and chucked them in to her bag. She couldn't avoid this any longer, she knew that cancelling again wasn't going to get her back to work, back to "normal", a distraction. She let out a huff and gathered her bag and exited her car.
Kate lowered herself on to the couch and glanced around the office. It was just like in the movies, stark white walks, diplomas placed around the room, plants in every corner, she assumed they were supposed to make the office feel less clinical.
She sat opposite the middle-aged woman who was poised in a giant leather chair with a small table separating them. She had a soothing smile, one that Kate assumed she had perfected over the years. She didn't really believe in counselling, she felt like such a hypocrite when she had lectured Dutchy on needing to talk to one but this was different, how could a stranger help her feel better about her dead fiancée? She blinked a few times bringing her back out of her mind, she smiled hoping her face hadn't given her away.
The woman took out a folder and a pen and placed them in front of her on the table and folded her hands neatly in her lap.
"Don't be nervous Kate..."
Kate cursed in her head, Dr Cowan could already tell that she was nervous, Kate smiled back at her trying to keep calm.
"I haven't really done this before, that's all..."
Dr Cowan's smile grew trying to reassure her.
"It's okay, we can take it slow. So let just start with simple things shall we?"
Kate nodded ever so slightly, worried about what "simple" meant.
"Why are you here?"
Kate sat there trying to not to say what she was thinking, "I'm here because I can't return to work without your approval."
She fidgeted anxiously realising that she was going to have to relinquish some truths in order for the Dr Cowan to feel like she was opening up.
"Ah, well, I guess I've had some things happen to me and I need to talk about them..."
"Okay, well I've heard that you were a bit reluctant to talk? You've cancelled this appointment 3 times in the last couple of weeks. So I just wanted to make sure that you're here for yourself."
Kate hesitated not knowing how to respond, she was good. Dr. Cowan could see she was uncomfortable.
"Just tell me about yourself, Kate, how would you introduce yourself?"
Kate hated talking about herself, plus she knew was being judged and that made her feel even more on edge.
"Umm, I'm a Lieutenant Commander in the Navy, it's my life... I joined right out of school and I've just been following the career path ever since..."
Dr. Cowan picked up her folder and pen and started to scribble, she glanced back and forth from Kate to her folder.
"Right, so what do you like about the Navy?"
"Ah, the action, knowing I'm doing my part to keep Australia safe and every day is different..."
"Right, and is there anything you dislike?"
"Umm, I guess being crash sailed."
Dr Cowan nodded supportively and crossed one leg over the other.
"Okay, So what do you do in your spare time?"
Kate scoffed, Dr. Cowan was a Navy shrink, shouldn't she know that they have no spare time.
"What spare time?"
"Well, what would you do if you had more spare time?"
Kate laughed apprehensively.
"I don't really know, I'm always that busy I guess I'd never thought about it. If we do get a spare minute we normally have a few drinks at the pub..."
Dr Cowan raised and eyebrow and smiled.
"We?"
"Oh yeah, the crew..."
"So you still see them?"
Kate's gaze dropped a little, Dr. Cowan scribbled in her folder noticing Kate's demeanour change.
"So tell me about the crew then, seems like you were close?"
Kate clenched her jaw, she didn't expect to have to talk about them so soon. She glanced over to Dr. Cowan who was staring back at her waiting for an answer.
"Ah okay, so there was Bird, she was a Gap girl, when she came aboard she was only 17, she brought a youthful exuberance to the ship. She was so bright-eyed and everything was so exciting. Then there were the old hands, Charge, Swain and RO, they'd been around long before I came along. They were like the backbone of the group. We had a few come in and out but they were still important. And then there was 2Dads..."
She smiled instantly thinking about him.
"God, he was such a pain in the ass, you know one day he actually thought he could smuggle a monkey back to Australia. He was this brat who was made to join to avoid prison but he actually came good, he had this really sweet side and could always make you smile but then he'd do stupid things that would just drive me nuts!"
Dr. Cowan nodded along and smiled, there was a loving tone in her voice and a sparkle in her eye, she could see that these people meant a lot to Kate.
"So what about your Buffer, Dutchy, was it? I see his name in a lot of the reports..."
Dr. Cowan watched as Kate's expression changed, she almost looked like she was comforted at the mentioning of his name.
"Dutchy... Yeah, in the beginning, god, he was awful. No, I shouldn't say that, we didn't see eye to eye but I later found out that he had some things he needed to work through. He needed to open up about some tragedies that had occurred while in the golf, he blamed himself for..."
Kate stopped herself, it was sounding all too familiar. She shook her head dismissing the thought and skipped over the details.
"We ended up becoming close, pretty much my best friend.."
Dr. Cowan took the opportunity to jot down more notes as Kate sat there deep in thought.
"What about friends outside the navy?"
She shook her head.
"Again, no time. Crews tend to hang out together because we understand the Navy lifestyle."
"That's fair enough. So, I've obviously seen your file and I see you have excelled in everything that you have done. You have spent the required time on frigates and patrol boats but you seemed to stall when you were posted to Hammersley. You've spent the last 4 years on Hammersley as an XO, why was that?"
Kate took a deep breath in, there was no way she was going to talk about Mike so she attempted a half truth.
"I think I stayed for the crew, we were like a family..."
Dr Cowan leaned towards Kate hearing her choice of words.
"Were?"
Kate realised that she had let a vital piece of information slip, she was no longer socialising with the crew.
"Well, after the last mission we were separated, some moved on anyway but I think they thought it was best that we all have a fresh start..."
Dr Cowan caught Kate's gaze.
"And what do you think about that?"
Kate shrugged trying not to make a big deal of it. She looked over and saw Dr Cowan's pen poised, she knew that the answer to this question was important so she kept it black and white.
"Couldn't do anything about it, wasn't my decision..."
Dr. Cowan knew that was true but she also knew that Kate had to have an opinion. She didn't want her to shut down so soon, she scribbled on her note pad and continued hoping she could get through to her.
"Right, so are you still in contact with any of them? You said that they were like family."
She shook her head and then stopped herself realising she needed to make it seem like it wasn't an issue.
"Oh well Mike, the CO, he's at Navcom and well I see 2Dads occasionally."
"You said that Dutchy was your best friend, what happened there?"
Kate cursed in her mind, why did she have to reveal that they weren't in contact. No one just stops communicating with their best friend for no reason, she had to think of a good one and fast.
"Umm, he was posted elsewhere, it's hard enough to catch up out of work little own when you're in different states and sailed at different times."
Kate watched as Dr Cowan made more notes, she smiled and continued, trying to cover her tracks.
"But we're the type of friends that can go months without seeing each other and then when we do it's like no time has passed."
Dr Cowan slid her glasses down the bridge of her nose and glanced at Kate, Kate attempted to hold her stare, she knew that Dr. Cowan didn't completely believe her.
"So why not the rest?"
She shrugged trying to play dumb, Dr Cowan knew she needed to test her, she almost winced as the next question left her mouth.
"Could it be because they remind you of what happened?"
Kate immediately met Dr. Cowan's stare.
"No..."
She mentally kicked herself, the answer was abrupt and harsh, she knew that her quick answer wasn't going to help Dr. Cowan think it wasn't true.
"I mean, we just drifted, it happens a lot in the Navy..."
Dr. Cowan smiled trying to reassure her.
"Right, so you haven't returned to work.."
Kate frowned, what game was she playing, she knew she hadn't.
"No, I had to do this first and be cleared."
Kate cringed again hoping that it didn't sound too desperate.
"So you didn't really want to go back?"
Kate was confused about her question and how she came to that conclusion.
"Yes, of course, I do, but I just didn't know how to approach this..."
"Well, you're here. It's the first step! You should pat yourself on the back for that... you can't rush the process, there's no program to pass. Everyone takes a different approach and handles grief differently..."
Kate sat there and nodded in fear that she would say something else "wrong" and it would stall her return. She knew it was wrong but it was surprisingly easy to give her the answers that she thought Dr. Cowan would want to hear.
The rest of the session was a blur and before she knew it she heard a bell ding. Dr. Cowan closed her folder and placed it on the table.
"Okay well that was it, now that wasn't so scary, was it? We'll make another appointment for later this week okay?"
Kate walked in her front door in a daze not really sure how she got home, she had analysed her session in her mind all the way home. Shaking her head a little trying to clear the haze, she dumped her bag on the floor and stepped into the lounge room. Her eyes scanned around her neat house, it was like it was mocking her. It was so put together, like the way she used to be, and now she felt like the exact opposite.
She flopped onto the couch and propped herself up with a pillow, it was quiet, too quiet. She was so sick of the voices in her head so she got up and pressed the power button on her stereo. She sat back down nodding along to the dance track of Cascada's "Evacuate the Dance Floor". Smiling as the song reminded her of her care free 20s she leapt up from the couch and grabbed the bottle of vodka from the cupboard. After pouring herself a double she grabbed her phone and downloaded Cascada's greatest hits. She swallowed half her glass as she turned on Bluetooth on her phone and started to play the songs through the stereo.
An hour had passed and Kate had made a large dent in the bottle, she took another swig and screamed with excitement as the next song started.
She danced around her living room swinging the bottle around singing at the top of her lungs.
"So there you are. Again, you're circling all around, if you could only touch me now, stranger from the past"
There was a knock on her door but she didn't hear it over the music, she continued to dance around the room singing.
"Don't hesitate, now we're standing face to face. If Heaven is the only place, would you take my hand?"
The knocking became louder, she heard it and turned down the volume and listened intently.
"Hello?"
She stumbled towards the door and placed the bottle and her glass down o the coffee table. She opened it ever so slightly peering through the gap.
"Kate?"
Mike stepped closer trying to open the door further.
"Kate? Is everything okay?"
Kate swung open the door with a large grin on her face, Mike was hesitant, she wasn't normally this happy to see him.
"Ah, what are you doing?"
"Nothing much, just having a little drink and doing some dancing."
Kate bounced on the spot and took another swig from the bottle. Mike placed his hands on her shoulders trying to steady her.
"By yourself?"
She nodded with a goofy smile, he tried to take the bottle from her but she refused to listen her grip.
"Why not?"
She grabbed his hand and pulled him into the lounge and spun herself around him.
"C'mon Commander, dance with me, why did we never dance?"
She started to sing again and put the bottle down, she tried to encourage him to participate dancing around him.
"Just tell me "What do you want from me?" This is love in the first degree,
Tell me why, every time I feel your eyes all over me. Tell me "What do you want from me?" Are you mad enough to see, that it's hard to cross the line come on now, set me free. What you want from me?"
Mike has no idea what was going on in Kate's mind but he knew this wasn't right. Kate continued to spin around and tripped over her own feet and fell to the ground giggling uncontrollably.
Mike leaned down trying to get her to stand, but she was a floppy mess, he knelt down and supported her head with his hand.
"Are you okay?"
Kate nodded and let out a snort, she wrapped her hands around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss, he immediately pulled away.
"Kate, what are you doing?"
She giggled and shrugged.
"Having some fun..."
Mike stood up and brushed himself off leaving her on the floor.
"Kate, this isn't you, what is going on? I thought you went and saw someone today?"
Kate staggered to her feet and scoffed.
"What? So you think I'm broken and I need someone to fix me?"
"No Kate, I just think you're going through some things..."
Kate waved her hand to dismiss him and swung open the front door.
"Thanks for killing my buzz!"
Mike walked to the door shaking his head, he stopped before leaving and turned.
"Kate, you're not fine..."
Kate frowned and slammed the door, she rubbed her hands over her face and kicked the door frame.
End of Chapter 4
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