Hey everyone,
Been a bit of a miserable day in Melbs so it's given me a chance to write!
Thanks to those who left feedback! Nice too see some new users out there too! Feedback is always appreciated! Keeps me writing! So much love!!
Anyway, on with the story, PS were still in the "past", hopefully we'll be back to the present soon and discover who the people are in the first chapter!!
Fine is a 4 Letter Word
Chapter 6
A few days later Kate was back in Dr Cowan's office for another session.
"And how does that make you feel?"
Kate exhaled sharply as her eyes darted around the room, they finally settled into Dr Cowan's gaze.
"Ah, like there's hope, hope that I can be normal again."
Dr Cowan scribbled on her notepad, Kate cringed a little wondering if she had said something wrong.
"And what is normal?"
"Not feeling like there's a cloud hanging over my head..."
Kate shifted in her seat a little uncomfortable about her next sentence.
"And not feeling like this was my fault..."
She sat there for a moment before she burst into tears, the tears were not genuine even though her comment was true. She cringed at herself, annoyed that she had divulged that piece of information, however, none of what she was saying was resonating with her. The words were not connecting with her emotions and she refused to let any of Dr Cowan's techniques throw her.
Dr. Cowan passed her the box of tissues.
"And why do you think this is your fault, Kate?"
Kate took a moment to compose herself, she had already admitted too much, she shrugged. Dr Cowan let out a small sigh, she knew Kate blamed herself and she was clamming up.
"Kate, from what I read in everyone's reports you were doing your job and he was doing his job. That was his decision to disarm that bomb not yours. Repeat it with me, Jim was doing his job..."
Kate hadn't said his name out loud since that fateful day, but if Dr. Cowan was to let her back out there she was going to have to say it. She tucked her hands underneath her thighs and closed her eyes, his face flashed in her mind. She dug her nails into her thighs trying to get the image to disappear.
"Jim was doing his job..."
She felt sick as the words left her mouth, Dr. Cowan nodded and reached forward to touch her knee.
"Very good, now, how do you feel about being back on the same ship?"
Kate opened her eyes and shrugged.
"Well, it's probably easier, I know the ship..."
"And the crew? You're not familiar with them, how does that make you feel?"
"It's okay, it happens. We need to get used to it, change is inevitable right?"
Dr. Cowan smiled and jotted down a few more notes.
"Kate, I get that you're a logical person, but there's no logical way to work through grief. There's no time limit and everyone reacts differently. It seems that work is very important to you but I don't want it to be a distraction for working through this issue."
Kate immediately made eye contact with Dr. Cowan in panic.
"So, you're not clearing me?"
"It's not that simple, Kate, I want to do a couple more sessions and then maybe we'll talk about that possibility. But only if you to continue to see me okay?"
She nodded.
"Thank you, I really feel like this is helping.."
Kate calmly stood from the couch and shook her hand and smiled.
Kate walked in her front door and violently threw her bag on to the counter and paced around the kitchen muttering to herself.
"What does she know? I know when I'm ready to go back, who doesn't need a distraction, my bloody fiancée died..."
Kate froze on the spot, she had said it more times this week than she would like to admit. She closed her eyes and clenched her fists by her side and held it for a second, she then slowly unclamped her hands trying to calm herself but it wasn't working. She knelt down and opened the cupboard under the sink, as she moved aside a few bottles of cleaners her heart began to race, where is it?
She breathed a sigh of relief as he eyes spotted the bottle of Grey Goose. She reached in and removed it from the cupboard and placed in on top of the kitchen bench, she stared at it for a moment wondering if it was becoming part of the issue, she shook her head quickly dismissing the thought, it wasn't doing anyone any harm, it wasn't like she was drink driving or doing drugs.
She poured herself a double and downed it in one mouthful. She smiled as it burned all the way down her throat, the burning had become like a type of comfort for her, like a good pain. She immediately poured herself another one and swallowed it all.
A week later Kate had mostly kept to herself, she had received the odd message from 2Dads and Mike but she had replied with simple answers, ones that couldn't be read into.
She was due to attend her 5th counselling session, she stood outside the door and knocked. As she heard the door unlock she forced the grin onto her face, Dr. Cowan opened the door and she entered and lowered herself on to the couch nervously. Every session made her more on edge, not because she was made to reveal things that she wasn't comfortable with but she was scared that Dr. Cowan would see right through her.
She took a deep breath in trying to sort through the various explanations in her head. Which one was too obvious? which one was too pathetic?
"I realise it was his job, we know our jobs are dangerous but..."
She hesitated for effect, Dr. Cowan leaned forward intrigued by her next sentence.
"But what? Kate."
She could feel her heart beast faster, her mouth took over.
"Why did it have to be him?"
She felt her stomach drop, this was the truth, an honest answer, she hadn't meant for it to escape but maybe subconsciously she was interested in Dr. Cowan's answer. She felt overwhelmed and broke down and covered her face.
"That's a question no one can answer Kate..."
"I know, I think I just need to focus on how good of a person he was, what he did save a lot of people and I've realised that's why I want to go back to work, that's why I love my job, I can make a difference."
"That's good Kate..."
"I know that I won't just be able to "get over this" it's not a problem to get over, it's something I have to live with and work through and with your help, I feel like I can breathe again."
Dr. Cowan smiled.
"Well, it certainly sounds like you've turned a corner. I must say that your Commander was concerned you weren't going to follow through with these sessions."
"Look, I'm not going to lie, I had to, if I wanted to return to work, but it does feel good to talk to someone."
It was lie, she still didn't believe words that escaped her mouth. They were not connecting to her mind, it was like she was memorising quotes to help her get through it. She didn't know why it didn't register, why what she was saying didn't resonate with her.
"Well, you know I'm always here, and you can call if you need me while you're out at sea..."
Kate shifted in her seat, itching for her to get to the point.
"Does that mean you're letting me go back?"
"Kate, you're progressing well and it does seem that work does hold a key to your positivity and well you need to go back out there at some point. I believe that there are another 2 weeks before Commander White needs a replacement so we will continue our sessions but it's looking good to me. But as soon as you're back from your first patrol you need to come and see me."
Kate nodded enthusiastically.
"Thank you so much, Dr. Cowan!"
Kate shook her hand and left the office and for the first time leaving her session her smile didn't fall from her face but just like every other time she drove home and poured herself a drink.
She picked up the bottle and walked to the couch, she turned on the TV and stared at it blankly as poured another glass. Her mind filled with visions of Jim and the happy life she had led until a few weeks ago, tears streamed down her cheeks and she gulped down the contents of her glass. Almost automatically, she poured herself another while she stared into space.
Hours later she had fallen asleep and was woken by 2Dads knocking on her door She sat up and rubbed her head, she looked at the empty bottle and cringed. She sat there for a second contemplating whether to answer it, she heard a voice call out.
"Ma'am? I know you're in there.."
She rolled off the couch and answered the door.
"Yes, 2Dads..."
"Hey, I just popped over to see if there was any news?"
"News?"
"Like, how's it going? Do you think you'll be coming back? Not that I want to pressure you, I mean there's a lot going on but I just..."
She placed a hand on her him and rolled her eyes.
"2Dads, you're babbling..."
"Sorry Ma'am, it's just good to see you're looking better..."
Kate raised an eyebrow questioning his choice of words, he instantly corrected himself.
"I mean, that you're seeing someone because you were... never mind. We just want you back at work that's all..."
Kate knew she was making him nervous, she liked 2Dads, she wasn't sure why. He was the type of kid she normally relished getting into line but there was something about him.
"You wanna come in?"
He smiled and nodded. He looked around, at least it wasn't dark. They walked into the lounge, Kate stumbled over her own feet, 2Dads reached out to steady her. They sat on the couch and he spotted the empty bottle of vodka, Kate noticed him staring.
"Ah, nightcap..."
She quickly picked them up and put them in the kitchen and returned and sat on the couch.
"So, you're checking up on me?"
2Dad knew he was caught out.
"Ah, I guess..."
"I'm fine 2Dads, counselling is going well, I think she's going to clear me!"
"That's great! But like, it's working, right?"
Kate knew what he was getting at. And she didn't like it.
"2Dads, I'm fine, really..."
He glanced over to the empty bottle sitting on the cupboard, she followed his eyes and let out a huff.
"It's a few drinks, it helps me relax, and anyway you'd drink me that than in a day on one of your boys weekends..."
2Dads hesitated, he didn't want to accuse her of anything and she was probably right.
"Well, you should come and say hi to everyone... we're having drinks down the pub tonight..."
Kate wasn't sure if she was completely ready.
"Ah, maybe..."
He playfully tapped her on the arm.
"C'mon, they're a great bunch, you're going to have to get to know them eventually."
Kate knew he was right, it was annoying.
"Okay, just for a little bit..."
Later that night Kate entered the pub, she spotted 2Dads in the corner with the rest of the crew. He stood up and waved her over, Kate walked over and was greeted with a bunch of smiling faces. 2Dads proceeded to introduce her to everyone.
Kate smiled and nodded as he went through the names and positions, she barely heard any of it through the beat of her heart echoing in her head.
Indy, the newest recruit positioned herself next to Kate.
"Hi, I'm Indy, I'm so glad they'll be another girl on the ship..."
Kate smiled politely, she reminded her of Bird, the bright-eyed newcomer. She shuffled closer to Kate as her grin grew.
"I can't believe I'll be under the command of THE Kate McGregor, you know you're a legend around ADFA. Everyone looked up to and you and the team, we would always track the Hammersley and their missions. Oh and the way you guys took down that double agent..."
2Dads eyes widened, he stood behind Kate and tried to signal to Indy to stop, she looked at him strangely and continued to fangirl.
"Oh and that guy who stopped the bomb, what a hero, what was he like? Bet he was a super cool guy...
She suggestively raised her eyebrows and nudged Kate with her elbow.
"And not bad to look at right?"
Kate looked around and the sets of eyes locked on her waiting for her to answer. She couldn't do this, she wasn't ready, she stood up and excused herself before she burst into tears. 2Dads knew exactly what was happening, he whacked Indy on the arm.
"What are you doing?"
He ran after Kate who had run out to the car park.
"Kate, wait..."
Kate rummaged around in her bag for her keys, she needed to get out of there.
"2Dads, this was a mistake..."
"I thought you were better, I thought that..."
She found her keys and pulled them out of her bag and turned to face him with a tear stained face.
"Better? 2Dads I'm not sick..."
2Dads felt awful, he didn't mean it like that. He shuffled his feet and kicked a small pebble around like an embarrassed child.
"I know Ma'am, but I thought the sessions were helping..."
Kate unlocked her car and got in.
"They are but..."
Kate hesitated, she couldn't tell him anymore. 2Dads reached out and placed a supportive hand on her shoulder.
"Kate, maybe you should talk to Maxine..."
She knew that he knew there was more too it, but what scared her the most was the would tell.
"No, 2Dads, please this is all I have. I'm going to more sessions before I start. I will be fine..."
He gave her a half-hearted smile knowing that she was desperate to return to work. He nodded agreeing, even though it was against his better judgement, she smiled back at him and started the car and drove home.
2Dad wondered if she should go after her but felt a presence behind him, he turned and Indy stood a few metres behind him. He walked back to her, she grabbed his arm confused at Kate's reaction.
"What is going on?"
"Look, I know you're brand new but, I thought you would have heard."
They walked back inside and 2Dads stood at the table and cleared his throat.
"So, it's just easier to tell you all together so you know and don't put your foot in it. The SAS Captain who died, he was Kate's fiancée. She has been off work since it happened a few weeks ago but she's ready to come back so we just need to tread carefully."
They all sat there in silence. Indy raised her hand.
"Should she be coming back so soon?"
"She's getting help, she's not back for a couple of weeks... she doesn't want sympathy, she wants to do her job. Got it?"
They all nodded.
2Dads headed to Kate's house, he went to knock but stopped himself, he knew she probably wouldn't let him in. He tried to door handle, it turned, it was unlocked. He cautiously entered the house
"Kate?"
He found her sitting on the couch staring at a photo, he walked up behind her and sighed as he spotted the newly opened bottle of vodka. He was getting frustrated, she wasn't okay, the counselling either wasn't working or she was pretending. He swiped the bottle from the table, she tried to stop him and grabbed his arm.
"Hey."
He snatched it away from her and stared her down.
"Kate, what are you doing?"
She placed a hand on her hip and attempted the swipe the bottle but he was too quick.
"What do you mean?"
"You're not okay?"
She shook her head and walked away from him.
"I don't know what you're talking about, I'm fine..."
He slammed the bottle on the coffee table startling her a little.
"Fine?"
He walked over to the kitchen and rummaged through the bin, he pulled out 3 empty Vodka bottles and placed them on the bench.
"Really? You're fine? You're not going to be able to continue this on board..."
Kate dropped her head, she was so ashamed, she had always been strong and resilient but this had just thrown her. Drinking numbed everything, it made her feel nothing, it was easier than feeling lost, lonely and guilty.
2Dads could see that he had hit a nerve. He walked over to her and stood in front of her waiting for her to talk, she could barley meet his eyes. He sighed and reached out to touch her, she flinched slightly.
"Kate, everyone is here for you..."
She scoffed and looked away.
"Everyone? Everyone is gone... well, except you..."
2Dads frowned at her comment.
"Kate, you shut everyone out. Most of them didn't have a choice but to move on, you know how it is..."
Tears ran down both of her cheeks and dropped on her arms that were folded defensively over her chest. She lowered herself onto the couch and 2Dads knelt beside her and tried to comfort her.
"I'm here for you, Maxine and Mike are too. You just need to let us help you, let us in..."
Kate looked up at him with her tear stained face.
"I'll try 2Dads..."
End of Chapter 6.
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