Fine is a 4 Letter Word
Chapter 9
Later that afternoon Kate had worked up the courage to come out of her cabin, she made her way up to the bridge and glanced at her XO.
"Much happening?"
He shook his head and handed her the binoculars, she wrapped the strap around her neck and lifted them to her eyes. Turning the lenses, she focused them on a vessel that was only a few hundred metres away. She squinted as the picture steadied and her eyes studied the hull, it was so familiar. Her heart skipped a beat as her mind flashed with images of the vessel that held the dirty bomb, she lowered the binoculars and shook her head trying to erase the image. She raised the binoculars once again but before she could stabilise the image the vessel exploded in a giant fireball, she let out an ear piercing scream and clenched the binoculars against her heaving chest. All she could hear was the sound of her heartbeat, she blinked a few times as tears streamed down her cheeks. She looked around at the rest of the crew on the bridge, she didn't understand why their eyes were fixated on her and not on the fire engulfed vessel.
She heard the echo of her name being called but she couldn't focus on where it was coming from. She jumped as she felt a hand on her shoulder, she turned her head slightly, it was 2Dads.
"Ma'am?'
She didn't respond, she turned back and looked out over the water, she squinted confused, the cruiser was still afloat. 2Dads tightened his grip a little and tried again.
"Ma'am? Are you okay?"
She looked around the bridge expecting to see Dutchy and the rest of her crew, but the faces staring back at her weren't familiar, they weren't her Hammersley Crew. She swallowed hard as she realised that what she had seen wasn't real, it was a flashback, a terrible memory.
She tossed the binoculars in the XO's direction and ran down the stairs mortified, 2Dads didn't hesitate and chased after her.
Kate ran into her cabin and slammed the door, she fell into her rack and closed her eyes trying to calm herself. She concentrated on her breathing, in through the nose, out through the mouth, afraid she would hyperventilate. Her mind raced, she was so angry at herself, she couldn't understand why she couldn't control what appeared in her mind. She let out an aggravated scream, why did it have to happen in front of the crew, they were already unsure of her. Even if she tried to explain they wouldn't understand, they had no idea how it felt, they were strangers. She was afraid that they would lose all respect for her, or worse, think she was crazy.
She knew it was going to be different without her old crew but she didn't realise how different. The Hammersley no longer felt like home, it wasn't her refuge any longer. In some ways she hated the Hammersley for making her feel so comfortable, before she was posted it was just another stepping stone to becoming Chief of Navy, but now that dream was gone, replaced with friendships and the feeling of family.
She leaned her head against the cabin wall and sighed. She jumped as there was a knock on her cabin door, she wiped the tears from her cheek and sat up.
"Come in..."
2Dads poked his head in the door making sure it was safe for him to come in, he looked around expecting her to be tidying or working at the desk trying to distract herself from what had just happened, but instead he saw her sitting on her rack looking lost and defeated. He looked over his shoulder to see if any of the crew were nearby, there was no one, he entered her cabin and shut the door. He didn't like to push her on board but this was serious. He pulled out her office chair and sat in front of her, he lowered his voice and caught her eye.
"Kate?"
She knew there was something wrong when he called her Kate, she wouldn't normally accept it on board, but she was too out of sorts to scold him for it. She rolled off her rack and straightened her uniform trying to look more put together, she started to fiddle with some things around the cabin glancing at him periodically. Looking at him in the eye wasn't an option, she was scared that he would see the fear and heartbreak. He watched has as she paced around the cabin, he cleared his throat trying to strike up the courage to confront her.
"Kate, what happened on the bridge?"
She didn't want to talk about it, she sat back on her rack, still not making eye contact and tried to change the subject.
"How long till we reach base?"
2Dads knew he needed to get through to her, he knew she wasn't okay and he couldn't hide it any longer.
"Ma'am, the crew are starting to talk. Don't you think it's better that you admit there's something going on rather than someone say something to Maxine because they don't trust their Commander."
Kate spun around to face him, she thought that there would be gossip, but she didn't think that they wouldn't trust her, she was humiliated.
"They don't trust me?"
2Dads shuffled his feet on the floor bringing his chair closer to her, he took a deep breath in, he didn't want to upset her further, but he didn't want to see her career unravel because she was too stubborn to ask for help.
"They understand why you're..."
He couldn't think of a good way to say 'freaking out'. Kate reached out at put a hand on his knee indicating she knew what he meant. She loved that he cared enough to talk to her, she didn't want to lie to or to let him down but there was no way he could understand.
"It's okay 2Dads, I know what you mean and you're right, I'll go and speak to Maxine when we dock."
2Dads smiled hoping that she realised how much he was just trying to help but he was also concerned about how easy it was to convince her to speak to Maxine.
"I think its best, even though it will suck without you..."
Kate let out a half-hearted laugh, there was the 2Dads she knew. She always thought of him as a 'punk kid', saying things like 'this sucks' and 'chill out'. Who knew that he would eventually become her favourite?
"Can I ask you something, 2Dads?"
He laughed trying to lighten the mood.
"Sorry Ma'am, I can't be your toy boy..."
She scoffed and whacked him on the leg.
"I'm being serious...umm, why did you stay?"
He broke eye contact as his cheeks turned a light shake of pink.
"Hammersley is home, it's all I've ever known."
"But most of the crew have left..."
He leaned in closer to her and gave her a friendly nudge with his shoulder.
"Yeah, but you're still here, someone's gotta have your back, can't break a promise..."
She frowned not understanding.
"Promise?"
2Dads shifted in his seat knowing he had let the secret slip.
"Ah, yeah, I promised Dutchy..."
Kate tilted her head still confused.
"Dutchy?"
2Dads went to make a quick exit, Kate grabbed his arm in time and pulled him back down. He held his hands up in surrender and sat back in the chair.
"Okay, okay, he told me when he left that I needed to be your back up now."
Kate scoffed and rolled her eyes.
"That's ridiculous! You can't tell me you stayed because of a drunken promise!"
"Hey, I wasn't drunk, okay, maybe 4 beers, and no, I stayed because I like working with you, I trust you and you're a fair Commander."
She smiled and patted his hand.
"Thanks, 2Dads!"
He changed the subject to try and cheer her up.
"Hey! We should arrange an original crew catch up. I'm still Facebook friends with everyone, well, everyone but you cos you don't like social media..."
"I'm sorry if I don't want everyone to know everything about me!"
He laughed at her ignorance to social media.
"You chose what you put on there, silly! Why don't we have a drink tonight and make you a profile..."
She stopped and thought about it for a minute, maybe this was the way to get him off her back.
"Maybe..."
He smiled thinking he was getting through to her and stood from the chair.
"I accept payment in alcohol, spirits are preferred but beer is acceptable..."
She rolled her eyes again.
"Yeah, yeah, just get back to work, we have a ship to bring in first."
He stood up and squeezed her shoulder.
"I can get the X to bring her in if you like?"
"Thanks…"
2Dads left the cabin. Kate sat there thinking about the consequences of her conversation with 2Dads, she had promised him that she would talk to Maxine which meant that it would probably end her sea posting. She frowned at herself, it didn't actually bother her to leave the Hammersley but it would mean that she needed to admit that she wasn't coping, and she wasn't okay with that. She dropped her head into her hands not wanting to think about it.
A few hours later the Hammersley had docked and Kate had figured out what she was going to say to Maxine, she was going to ask for a shore posting using the reason of that it was time, and if she wanted to progress this was the next step. She walked down the gangway and stopped on the dock as 2Dads called out to her, he ran up to her and stood close.
"Are you going to speak to the Boss?"
Kate hesitated, 2Dads was worried that she was going to back out.
"Kate…"
She exhaled sharply and met his concerned gaze.
"I'm going to talk to her now…"
He gave her an encouraging smile.
"Good! So, drink at the pub and a social media lesson after?"
Kate hesitated once again, 2Dads gave her a friendly nudge.
"C'mon!"
"Okay, I'll meet you there in an hour!"
He grinned excited that she was going to come out and socialise.
"It's a date!"
Kate knocked on Maxine's door and heard her call out to come in.
She opened the door and saw Maxine and Mike sitting on one side of the desk. They both looked up and smiled, she knew that they were trying to be supportive but more than anything their large grins made her stomach flip, she didn't have a good feeling about this. She sat down nervously in front of them, Maxine leaned forward on her desk still smiling.
"How'd it feel being back out there?"
Kate wanted to tell them the truth but there was a voice inside he head telling her not to, she glanced at Mike wondering why he was there.
"Ah fine, Ma'am..."
Maxine raised an eyebrow questioning her answer.
"Just fine?"
Kate frowned, this is exactly why she felt she couldn't be truthful, she always felt like she was being judged and cross examined.
"Ma'am?"
Maxine let out a laugh trying to make it seem not so serious.
"Kate, relax! I just want to know how you are, it's been a difficult couple of months and we just want to make sure you're okay."
Kate looked towards Mike questioningly.
"We?"
He smiled and nodded.
"Yeah..."
Kate sat there in silence, she watched as Mike and Maxine glanced at each other, obviously concerned at her lack of enthusiasm. Maxine cleared her throat.
"Ah, well we're just making sure that you're happy out there that's all, we just want you to be honest..."
Kate laughed, Mike and Maxine were taken a back by her reaction. Kate stood up and paced around the office, she was getting worked up and she couldn't keep it in.
"Honest, you want me to be honest? Okay, how do you honestly think I feel? I lost the man I love, then I lost my position, then lost my CO, then my crew and now I feel like I'm been treated like I can't do my job."
She sat back down and put her head in her hands knowing that they were going to be more troubled by the scene she had just caused. Mike got up and sat next to her hoping it would calm her.
"Maybe you should book another visit with Dr. Cowan?"
She didn't respond, Mike looked up at Maxine for help, they needed to break some news and they weren't sure that it was going to be received well.
"Kate, we need to talk to you about something…"
Kate knew she had blown it, she wasn't going to have to admit that she wasn't coping, she had just proven it to them. She glanced up at them waiting for them to try and convince her that she should take a shore posting.
Mike reached out to touch her hand, she flinched a little not expecting his touch.
"Umm, the trial, Madeleine's trial…"
Kate felt all the bloody rush from her head, a ave of nausea over came her, it was the last thing that she was expecting them to raise. She stammered her words hoping she wasn't going to pass out.
"Wha, what about it?"
Maxine stood from the desk and started to pace taking over from Mike.
"It begins in a week, they need the Hammersley crew, well, the old crew to be available to go over statements and time lines, they may need you and others to give evidence."
Kate didn't know how to respond, Maxine could see she was lost for words so she continued.
"We're putting Hammersley on extended leave, we don't have any spare crew at the moment and we're not really comfortable sending them out with yet another captain, they've had enough unrest in the past few months. We just wanted you to be the first to know."
Kate nodded not saying a word, Mike squeezed her hand.
"At least we'll get to see some old friends, hey?"
She looked up at him and smiled, she realised they were still holding hands and pulled her hand away.
"Yeah, thanks... Ah, I've gotta go..."
Mike smiled and tried to lighten the mood.
"Hot date?"
She scoffed as she headed to the door.
"Yeah sure, nah, 2Dads is making me a Facebook account, gotta make sure he doesn't put any pics of me up from our last dress up night..."
"Well, wile everyone's here we should arrange a Hammersley catch up…"
She nodded and left, Maxine got up and sat next to Mike.
"Do you think she'll be okay?"
Mike shook his head.
"I don't know, but I think we'd better keep an eye on her."
Kate swung open her front door and threw her bag on the couch and paced around the kitchen, she didn't know how to feel about the situation. Feelings of anger, resentment, terror and sadness welled in her mind, it was all too much, she needed it to stop. She walked into the kitchen and opened her cupboard and grabbed the bottle of vodka off the shelf, opening it she took a swig and cringed, she then proceeded to pour herself a glass. She closed her eyes waiting for it to take it's effect and was startled by a knock at the door.
She suddenly remembered the meeting with 2Dads, she knew that he'd come after her if she didn't show.
She placed the opened bottle of vodka back in the cupboard hiding it from him and ran to the door trying to tidy herself, she put on a smile and swung open the door.
"Sorry 2Dads, I..."
She stopped mid-sentence, it wasn't 2Dads.
"Dutchy?"
He stepped forward with a grin on his face and gave her a bear hug while she stood there in shock.
"Miss me?"
She was speechless at his presence.
"Dutchy, what are you doing here?"
"I'm back for…"
He trailed off not sure if she knew, she could tell by his expression that he didn't want to mention her name.
"It's okay Dutchy..."
"So you know?"
She nodded.
"But it's not for a week or so?"
"Yeah, got here early, thought we could spend sometime together, hang out like old times…"
Kate frowned, it sounded suspicious.
"Right…"
Dutchy was confused about her hesitation.
"Well, you gonna invite me in?!"
She stepped aside and he walked around her living room and into her kitchen.
"Man, I forgot how hot it was up here!"
He walked into her kitchen and opened the cupboard to get a glass, he frowned as he saw the vodka bottle with no lid in on the shelf, he took it out and turned to face her.
"Ah, vodka doesn't need to breathe, Kate..."
She quickly walked over and snatched the bottle from him.
"Ah, must have just forgot..."
She grabbed the lid and fumbled it back on the bottle, Dutchy walked into the lounge room and sat on the couch. She grabbed a glass and poured him some water from the fridge and grabbed her glass of vodka. She walked into the lounge room and sat opposite him in the armchair, Dutchy smiled his goofy grin.
"So, how you been?"
Kate nodded not wanting to give anything away, Dutchy leaned forward hunched over his knees.
"That good?"
Kate shrugged trying to keep it contained.
"I'm fine.."
Dutchy raised an eyebrow not believing her, Kate shifted in her chair, she could feel his eyes on her, like they were seeing through to her soul.
"Fine?"
She nodded again.
"Yeah, soldier on, right?"
"No, not at all Kate... you were the one who told me that you need to deal with your demons..."
Kate took a large mouthful from her glass as her eyes darted around the room avoiding Dutchy's at any cost, he watched as she cringed slightly while swallowing her mouthful.
"Yeah, well sometimes it's not that easy..."
He got up from the couch and perched himself on the arm chair.
"Kate, I know exactly what you are going through..."
She wasn't in the mood for more pity.
"Really?"
Dutchy leaned towards her.
"Yes Kate, seriously."
She stood up from the chair not wanting to discuss it.
"What are you doing here anyway?"
"I told you…"
"No, here, in my house."
He let out a half-hearted laugh, she leaned down and picked up her glass and took another mouthful.
"Kate, we're friends…"
She slammed the glass back on the table.
"Seriously? Friends?"
"Yes, Kate,we were best friends, you're the one who shut everyone out, we were transferred, I couldn't stop that. You're the one that didn't reply to my messages."
Kate walked into the kitchen and grabbed some ice from the freezer, Dutchy took the opportunity to pick up her glass and sniff it, he winced as the vapours burnt his nostrils. She re-entered the room and plonked the ice into her glass. There was an awkward silence.
"Well, as you can see, I'm fine, Dutchy, so you can go..."
Dutchy glanced at Kate and then her glass, she picked it up and swallowed the rest almost like she was getting rid of the evidence. She felt cornered so she did what she did best, pushed people away.
"Don't come here and act as if you know me! You're the last person who can judge me! I don't need you to fix me! It's none of your business!"
Dutchy couldn't believe how she was acting, actually, he could, because it was exactly like her thinking she could deal with things on her own. But this was different, someone she had loved had died. He stood his ground getting agitated at her attitude.
"Kate, do you know how many things are wrong with that sentence? I do know you, I am not judging you, and you don't need fixing, you need help and I'm making it my business. Don't be like this."
She spud round and placed her hands on her hips.
"Like what?"
He let out a frustrated growl and threw his hands in to the air.
"Like, like you! It's okay not to be okay!"
She wasn't going to listen to anymore, she walked to the door and swung it open.
"I'll see you round, Dutchy..."
He was about to say more but stopped himself, sighed and shook his head and left.
End of Chapter 9.
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