Hey Peeps!
So, I've found my mojo, maybe cos it's finally my turn for a long weekend!
Huge shout out to everyone who has reviewed! I was really struggling there for a bit and all your kind words kept me going! so thanks so much!
Okay, here we go...
Fine is a 4 Letter Word.
Chapter 14
Later that day Kate had calmed herself down and made her way downstairs, she walked around her house looking for any signs of Dutchy but he wasn't there. She folded her arms across her body suddenly feeling alone, she had become accustomed to him being around. Even though she told he she didn't want him there, and she didn't know how he could help, it comforted her knowing he was there. She sat on the couch and picked up her phone and messaged him.
"Where are you?"
Dutchy felt his phone vibrate, it was sitting face down on the table, he resisted the urge to check it, he needed to focus.
"I just don't know what to do…"
Dr Cowan sighed and lifted her cup of coffee to her lips and took a sip.
"Well, she needs to come back and see me. If 'm being honest, I was worried that this was what was happening."
Dutchy didn't understand, if she thought this was going to happen then why did she clear her? Dr Cowan could see he was confused about her conclusion.
"Dylan, sometime people need to hit rock bottom, look, I know that it was a risk clearing her but she was safe, everyone around her knew what had happened and Maxine assured me that if there were any signs that she'd be off the ship. But I can't make her better, she's got to want this for herself. Is she talking to you?"
"Umm, only if you count yelling at me that she doesn't need help and that this person she had become is the real her, but I know it isn't. I know she's in pain but I just don't know what else to do…"
"Do you think she'd come back and see me?"
He shrugged, it was going to take some effort.
"I can talk to her about it but I dunno, do you really think you can get through to her?"
"All we can do is try, Dylan. I actually thought she might have opened up to you."
He focused his eyes downward, Dr Cowan's comment made him feel like a bigger failure, she could tell from his body language that she had hit a nerve.
"Dutchy, look, and I'm breaking all sorts of rules here but I'm also at a loss what to do. Kate was such a logical person that I thought she'd respond to facts and the black and white truth. I mean Jim was doing his job, simple as that, she wasn't to know the out come, from what I had read he had done this plenty of times. But for some reason she doesn't understand that and she blames herself."
She hadn't said it to him in so many words but Dutchy knew there was more to it than just grief.
"But how can I change her mind of that?"
Dr Cowan smiled at his determination, she patted his hand.
"You can't, she needs to believe it herself, all you can do is be there for her, support her."
Kate wandered around her house in a daze, her phone beeped and she instantly grabbed it hoping it was Dutchy, it wasn't, it was Maxine.
"Hi Kate,
Jim's sister is at Navcom, she would really like to talk to you, do you mind if I give her your number and address?"
Kate didn't really want to see her, she was afraid how she would react meeting her, but she couldn't' think of a reason that she could say aloud, so she replied.
"Okay."
45 minutes and 4 wardrobe changes later Kate walked down the stairs in one of Jim's favourite dresses of hers. She sat on the couch waiting for the doorbell to ring, her eyes darted to the clocked every few seconds. Her leg started to twitch, she couldn't sit still from the nerves, she let out a huff and stood up and began to pace the room trying to think of what to say to this woman. The door bell rang causing her to jump, she exhaled slowly and headed to the door. She was a few steps from the door and felt the blood rush from her head, she stopped and took a few deep breaths in to try and calm herself. Her hand shook as she reached out to open the door, she held her breath as the door swung open. Standing on her door step was a woman who looked just as petrified as her, Kate exhaled as the woman smiled, she had the same kind smile as Jim and the same sparkling eyes.
"Hi…"
Kate couldn't form the rest of her sentence so she smiled. The woman stepped forward not knowing whether to hug her or shake her hand, she went for the latter.
"Hi, I'm Penelope, Penny, James' sister…"
They both stood there for a moment trying to compose themselves as tears welled in their eyes. Penny fished a packet of tissues out of her bag wiped the tears from her cheeks, she handed the packet to Kate.
"I brought like 10 of these today, and I've already used like 5…"
Kate let out a halfhearted laugh and took the packet from her.
"Thanks…"
"Ah, this maybe a little odd but can I give you a hug?"
Kate could only nod, Penny wrapped her arms around her and couldn't stem the flow of tears, they stood there and cried in each other's arms. Penny stepped back and chuckled.
"Right, now we've got that over and done with…"
Kate opened the door and gestured for her to enter.
"Please, come in…"
Penny walked in and glanced around her house, Kate shut the door and walked behind her trying to think of anything to say.
"Your house is beautiful…"
Kate smiled politely.
"Thanks… ah, do you want a cuppa? Water? Vodka?"
Penny let out a giggle and shook her head.
"No, I'm fine… look, I know this must be strange, and I'm sad that we're not meeting under better circumstances, but I just had to meet the person who made my brother so happy."
Kate knew she was trying to be nice, but it wasn't having that effect. She walked into the kitchen to grab herself a glass of water, but in reality she was trying not to freak out, maybe this wasn't such a good idea. She stood at the kitchen sink and turned on the tap, she held the glass under the water trying to gather her thoughts, she was deep in thought she didn't notice the water spill over the sides of the glass. She felt a presence behind her and turned spilling the water everywhere. Penny could see that she was struggling and turned off the tap and gave Kate a sympathetic smile.
"If me being here is too much, I completely understand…"
Kate took a sip of the water wishing it was something alcoholic.
"No, it's fine, really."
They returned to the lounge room and sat on the couch, Penny broke the silence.
"So, how annoyingly charming was my brother?"
Kate smiled ever so slightly and nodded thinking of their first date, he knew that she was in the Navy but he played along with her HR game.
"It was almost sickening, he was a perfect gentleman…"
"You know how much he loved you right?"
Kate couldn't bear to think about it, she did know, and she didn't know if she'd ever find a love like that again.
"Oh, I have something for you…"
Penny frowned a little not understanding, she didn't know that she was coming to her house today, how could she have something for her?
Kate got up and headed to the set of drawers where she had put all her memories of Jim. She rummaged around for a moment and pulled out a ring box, she opened it in the drawer out of sight to take one last look at it, she closed her eyes and snapped it shut.
"Umm, here…"
Kate handed her the box, Penny opened it and realised it was her grandmother's ring.
"Oh no, Kate, this is yours…"
She handed it back to her, Kate shook her head and pushed it back towards her.
"No, I can't keep it, it's a family heirloom."
"Kate, she would have wanted you to keep it, please."
Kate reluctantly took the box back and placed it on the table. Penny gazed around the house looking any photos of Kate and Jim together, Kate noticed her wandering eyes.
"Is something the matter?"
"You don't have any photos of you two?"
Kate dropped her head, how was she to explain? Explain to a stranger that seeing his face every day made her life harder and harder to live. She had to give her something, so she didn't look like a heartless bitch, she stood and headed back to the drawer, she fished out a photo and passed it to Penny.
"This is our first date, he said…"
Kate stopped herself as the tears threatened to spill again, this was the most she'd talked about their relationship in a long time and she wasn't prepared for the way it would make her feel. Penny felt terrible for pushing, she placed her hand on Kate's for support.
Kate moved closer to her and glanced down at the picture, she smiled and wiped the tears from her eyes.
"He said that he wanted a photo of our first date so he could show our kids what a perfect first date looked like…"
Kate barley got the sentence out, Penny ran her finger over the outline of Jim's face.
"You know he told me he knew you were the one after that date…"
Kate couldn't hold it in any longer, she burst into tears from the guilt she was trying to hold in.
"I, I'm sorry…"
Penny titled her head questioning her apology.
"What for?"
Kate's head dropped and her gaze focused on the floor.
"I, I left him out there…"
Penny could see she was distraught but didn't understand why.
"I don't understand…"
Kate moved herself away from Penny, like what she was about to say was going to make her angry.
"I, I left him, I left him out there, out on that boat, I'm sorry, I…"
Penny frowned and moved herself closer to her, she reached over and squeezed her hand and shook her head as she watched the tears fall down Kate's cheeks.
"You think his death is your fault?"
Kate nodded ever so slightly, she couldn't bear to look her in the eye. Penny sighed, her behaviour had made sense now.
"Kate, this was in no way, your fault, if you want to blame anyone it's Madeleine Cruz."
"But…"
Penny was almost mad at her that the thought even crossed her mind, she gripped both of Kate's shoulders wanting to make her listen.
"Kate, look at me…"
Kate's eyes darted upwards then straight back down.
"Kate! This is not your fault! I don't know how you got that thought into your head but you need to forget it, immediately. Kate? Do you hear me?"
Kate still refused to look her in the eye, Penny frowned, she new that Kate wasn't listening. She removed her grip from her shoulders and grasped both of her hands thinking it was a little less intimidating.
"No one, and I mean no one, thinks this it your fault…"
A silence came over the conversation, Penny's phone beeped interrupting them, she pulled it out of her pocket and glanced at the message.
"So umm, sorry to cut this short but I've gotta meet with my lawyer, but I'd really like to spend some time with you while I'm here, if that's okay?"
Kate nodded, she didn't have the guts to tell her no to her face, they stood and gave each other another hug.
"Is there anyone I can call, I don't really feel comfortable leaving you here upset?"
Kate shook her head and again wiped the tears from her face.
"I'm fine, really… it was good to meet you."
Kate showed Penny to the door, she turned before leaving.
"I really appreciate you agreeing to meet me, I know it can't have been easy."
Kate put on a smile and closed the door, she leaned on the door as more tears spilled from her eyes.
A little while later Dutchy approached Kate's front door and stopped as he heard music playing, he moved close to the door trying to hear. "Rescue" by Lauren Daigle was playing, he stood there for a moment listening to the words.
"You are not hidden, there's never been a moment you were not forgotten.
You are not hopeless, though you have been broken, your innocence stolen.
I hear you whisper underneath your breath, I hear your SOS, your SOS.
I will send out an army to find you In the middle of the darkest night, it's true, I will rescue you."
He sighed, he wondered if this was her way of hoping someone would hear that she need help, it broke his heart, he didn't understand why she couldn't let him in. He opened to door to find Kate sitting on the couch crying , in front of her was the drawer filled with photos of Jim and trinkets from their relationship. He grabbed the stereo remote and turned the music down, he sighed as he saw the newly opened vodka bottle on the table.
"Kate? What happened?"
She sat there sobbing not able to answer his question, she passed him her phone and showed him the message from Maxine about Penny.
"She came here?"
Kate only managed a nod.
"Kate, you can't do this to yourself."
She tried to speak, but it was muffled by her sobs, Dutchy moved closer and placed his arm around hers shoulder.
"Kate…"
Kate went to pick up the bottle again, Dutchy placed his hand on hers stopping her, she looked at him with a desperate look.
"Just tonight, please…"
Dutchy didn't want to condone or encourage her, but he knew the pain she was in, he sighed and removed his hand.
"Pour me one too.."
Kate poured them both a glass and handed one too him, he raised it in the air.
"To Jim…"
Kate tried to blink away some of her tears.
"To Jim…"
Dutchy swallowed his glass, he knew he sounded like a recording on repeat but he hoped if she heard it enough she would respond with something apart from silence or anger.
"Kate, you know you're not dealing with this, right?"
She sipped on her glass not responding.
"You really think this is your fault?"
She turned her body away from him like she was trying to deflect his question.
"And you really think this is the solution?"
She ignored his question once again and raised the glass to her lips, he snatched the glass away from her.
"I get an answer, you get your drink back…"
She let out a frustrated huff, she had already spoken the truth tonight and a small part of her was relieved, but she honestly didn't know how this was going to get better. She knew that lying wasn't helping, it had just got her in deeper so she spoke a little truth.
"It makes me feel better…"
He raised an eyebrow wanting more.
"Because?"
Kate tried to stare him down, Dutchy scoffed and took a sip of her drink.
"That stare ain't gonna work on me, McGregor…"
She sat there for a moment contemplating her answer, she had admitted it to Penny so easily, maybe she felt she might understand, that her forgiveness was the most important thing, a validation that she wasn't in the wrong. But even though she had said exactly what she wanted to hear it didn't make a difference, her brain still didn't release her from the prison of guilt.
She snatched the glass back while Dutchy concentrated on her face, she swallowed it immediately and lay down on the couch.
A few hours later Kate had fallen asleep on the couch. Dutchy moved off the couch as he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and crept out of the room to answer it.
"Hello?'
"Dylan, it's Maxine. The AFP have just called, Madeline has changed her plea, she's now pleading guilty. Her sentencing hearing is in 3 days, and I don't know if it's a good idea for Kate to attend but I thought that maybe it may help? Do you think she's up for it?"
Dutchy glanced back at Kate sleeping on the couch.
"Ah, I'll try and talk to her, she didn't cope very will with Penny's visit today."
"Well, let me know, I've contacted the rest of the crew and the all want to attend, it's at 10am on Wednesday."
"Thanks…"
Dylan hung up the phone and rubbed his hands over his face, he wasn't sure if she could handle all of this right now but then it could give her some kind of closure. He jumped as he heard a scream and rushed back into the lounge room, Kate sat upright on the couch breathing heavily looking terrified. He rushed to her side and held her hand.
"Kate…"
She instinctively reached for the bottle, he snatched it off the table before she could grab it.
"No, Kate. This is not the way to deal with this, it's going to stop, now…"
He walked over to the kitchen and poured the rest of the bottle down the sink and rummaged through the rest of her cupboard looking for her sash. He couldn't find any more bottles so he returned to the lounge and sat next to her.
"Do you want to talk about it?'
She shook her head and lay back down on the couch and placed a pillow over her head.
"Ah, so, Maxine called, umm Madeline has changed her plea to guilty."
He glanced over to Kate to see if she had heard him, she removed the pillow and slowly sat up.
"What does that mean?"
"Well, we won't need to go over everything again, but there is a sentence hearing on Wednesday, most of the crew are going and I wasn't sure if you wanted to go, we thought it may help?"
Kate sat there staring out into space thinking about it, Dutchy gave her a moment before trying again.
"Kate?"
She gave a slight nod and lay back down.
"Okay, then…"
"So umm, I've arranged Dr Cowan to come and do a home visit today…"
She bolted upright in and shot him an angry look.
"What?"
Dutchy cringed, maybe it was a bit much or today but he wasn't a professional and he didn't want to make things worse. Kate stood from the couch and chucked the pillow at him.
'Well, tell her to cancel, I don't need her…"
He stood and grabbed her hand so she couldn't walk away.
"I think you do Kate, you're not listening to any of the people that want to help you."
Kate let out an annoyed scream and stormed up the stairs. Dutchy sat back down and messaged Dr Cowan.
"Maybe today's not a good idea, sorry, I'll talk to you soon."
Just as he pressed send there was a knock on the door, he jumped up and ran to the door worried that it was Dr Cowan already. He swung open the door, it wasn't her, but a woman who seemed strangely familiar, he titled his head a little trying to figure out where he knew her from.
"Ah, hi…"
She smiled politely as she discreetly checked him out.
"Hey, umm, I'm looking for Kate?"
"Yeah, she's umm, she's lying down. Who are you?"
"Oh, sorry, how rude, I'm Penny, Penny Roth…"
Dutchy took a moment to process the name.
"Oh, good to meet you, I'm Dylan, I used to work with Kate, do you want to come in?"
She nodded and stepped inside the house.
"I just felt so terrible leaving her so upset before. Did umm, you guys get the call too?"
"About the hearing?'
"Yeah, it's technically the best news I've heard in ages."
They sat down on the couch, Dutchy felt a little odd about having her in the house without Kate being present but it was an opportunity to find out what they talked about.
"So umm, I don't mean to pry but she was pretty upset after you left, can I ask what you guys talked about?"
Penny glanced over to the ring box on the table and picked it up and played with it.
"Ah, not a lot, I didn't really know what to say, but it was strange actually, all she wanted to do was apologise…"
"What did you say?"
Penny looked up at him hoping that he didn't think that she wanted Kate to apologise.
"I told her it wasn't her fault of course, why does she think it's her fault?"
"Honestly, I have no idea, I mean, Kate takes her job seriously, she leads all the boarding's parties, I guess she assumed that because Jim was on her boarding that she was responsible for him."
She placed the box back on the table and picked up the photo that Kate had handed her earlier.
"And I understand that but he wouldn't want this for her, she has to know that he wouldn't blame her for this."
He shrugged, everyone knew this, everyone but her. Dutchy took from photo from her and smiled looking at how blissful they looked.
Kate heard voices in her lunge room, she headed down stairs shocked to see Dutchy sitting with Penny.
"Oh, Penny, hi…"
They both stood from the couch looking like they had been caught doing something illegal.
"Kate, I just wanted to see if you were okay, also to let you know about Madeline but your boss has already notified you?'
She nodded.
"Ah, also my mum wanted to meet you, would that be too much?"
Kate swallowed hard, it was too much, way too much. They watched as the colour drained from her face, Penny glanced in Dutchy's direction, he shook his head ever so slightly.
"It's fine Kate, maybe after all of this is over yeah?"
She stepped closer and gave her a hug.
"I'll umm, leave you be…"
Penny waved at Dutchy and smiled.
"Thanks, Dutchy, good to meet you…"
The door shut and Kate and Dutchy stood there in silence, Dutchy was worried that Kate wouldn't have liked them talking about her, but he also wondered if Jim's family could help.
"Penny seems nice…"
Kate sat on the couch and nodded, he stood there waiting for her to yell, but instead she stared into space looking like she was in another world. He cautiously sat next to her and dared to continue.
"It seems like his family really want to meet you, I know it's a lot Kate, but it might help."
He glanced out of the corner of his eye to see her reaction to his comment, but there wasn't one, she just shrugged.
"Maybe…"
Dutchy smiled, he took it as a win.
"Well, it's late…"
Dutchy got up to leave, Kate pulled on his arm stopping him.
"Will you stay?"
Dutchy smiled, he hoped it was a sign that she was thawing.
"Of course…"
Kate got herself ready for bed, Dutchy knocked on her door and poked his head in.
"Night…"
Kate sat up in bed and pulled the sheet over her and fiddled with the edging.
"Can you sit with me?"
Dutchy could have leapt into the bed he was so excited, excited that she had asked, it for help but it was something.
"Sure…"
Dutchy climbed into bed and sat beside her, she pulled his arm over her shoulder and rested her head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. He kissed her on the head and leaned over and turned off the light.
"Dutchy?"
"Yeah?"
"No funny business…"
He let out a laugh.
"I wouldn't dream of it, not after the way you took me down on those mats…"
Dutchy sat there in the dark with a grin on his face, there was the Kate he knew, it was a glimmer of hope that she was still in there, and he wasn't going to leave until she had returned completely.
End of Chapter 14.
Let me know what you think! xx