Okay,
here we go, this chapter was hard. I don't know how it's possible for a TV show to make you feel so many things, LOL. It's not real! That's what I kept screaming in my head while trying not to cry! Why did he have to die!?
Anyway, before I get on to another rant...
Fine is a 4 Letter Word
Chapter 17
Kate closed her eyes and clenched her jaw, she wished people didn't care as much, why couldn't they just leave her be? She took a deep breath in and glanced down at the pile of letters, she gently ran her fingers over the paper and smiled thinking of Jim. They made her feel close to him, he had touched them, they were his thoughts, they had been a part of him. She slowly picked up the first piece of paper and began to read.
"Mum,
I can't believe you're actually making me write you a letter, it'll serve you right if you can't read it because of my terrible handwriting. Although, I might not be able to call for a while, I'm currently on a Navy ship, so this may work out better.
So, because I can't talk about work, I'll talk about your favourite topic, my love life.
I took yours and Penny's advice, and I joined a stupid internet dating site, and well, I guess I owe you two an apology because I met someone, and she's amazing, you will love her, her name is Kate. We went out for dinner and I wore that suit you love, and we talked for hours, she was so easy to talk to, she's smart, beautiful and tough. The only thing is she's currently mad at me, but before you start cursing my name, it's not all my fault.
So, we both lied on our profile, I said I was a chartered accountant and she said she was in HR, but little did she know I knew she was in the Navy, I had a mate do a background check. But anyway, at dinner I kept getting phone calls about my latest mission and I told her it was about work and she didn't believe me so she stormed out. From that moment I knew she was a keeper, gotta love a woman who can stand up for herself, hey? Anyway, that night received a phone call informing me what ship I was heading out on, and guess who was second in charge? That's right, Kate. The look on her face when I rocked up to sail on her ship was priceless, if a glare could kill someone it would be hers. I couldn't help but feel it was fate, what a story to tell the kids, hey? Anyway, I hope she sees the funny side of it because, I'm smitten. I can't believe I'm telling you this but I think she's the one, I know that sounds silly but, when you know, you know, right?
Okay, I need to get some sleep, we're heading to an island, and I doubt the bed will be this comfortable there, and that says a lot seeming I'm sleeping in a rack that's about a foot too small for me.
If you talk to Penny tell her I'll email her when I can.
Love you and miss you,
Your favourite son,
Jim."
Tears rolled down her cheeks, she flipped over the page, it was like she didn't want the letter to see she was crying. She sat there wiping her face, trying to stop the flow, she didn't know if she could read another one. They made her feel comforted but also heartbroken, she heard his voice as she read it, like he was standing next to her reading to her. She exhaled and swallowed hard as she picked up the next one.
"Okay, that was a lot of questions, it'd just be a lot easier if you could just work out your email! I'll try to answer them all…
Okay, easy ones first, Kate is 33, and she lives in Cairns, I know it's far, but it's not like I've put down roots anywhere. She's been in the Navy most of her adult life, she hasn't got any siblings, well none that she's mentioned and no children, but I hope she wants them.
Has she forgiven me? Well, nearly, she's coming around, the night we arrived on the nameless island (sorry security) and we ended up at the same work event, we danced and it seemed like she wanted to forgive me. I walked her back to the ship like a gentleman and we talked like we did on our date, before all of the craziness.
They left the next morning on another patrol but they returned a few days later and I took her on a real date, well, it was supposed to be a real date. It ended up some wild goose chase, some local militants had kidnapped a boy and we found him on the island we were exploring. Kate refused to leave the island without him. Mum, she's so brave, we're running through this jungle being shot at by the militants, she was smart enough to grab a radio from their camp so we could call her ship, luckily they came just at the right time.
I thought you would be jumping for joy for me to say that I thought she was the one, I know you're my one and only mother and you're protective of me, but Mum, if you met her you'd understand.
Okay, let me try and paint a picture. Kate is the XO on the ship, so she leads all the boarding's. You should see her in action, she's wonder woman, I'm telling you. She scares the shit out of me, sorry for the language, she tough and strong, but then has this sweet, gentle side. I don't understand how she's not already taken!
I'll try and write once a week, there are a lot of things going on, but I promise I'm safe.
Love you lots,
Jim."
The tears continued to roll down Kate's cheeks, she wanted to stop reading, it hurt so much, she knew how this story ended and she couldn't change it, no matter how much she wanted it. She cautiously flipped over the next one and brought her knees up to her chest as she read it.
"Mum,
Sorry it's taken longer than usual to get back to you, I've been trying to get home with no luck. Kate was shot the other day, but thankfully she was wearing a vest. It made me sick to my stomach thinking about her being injured, but I bet she's acting all tough like it didn't affect her, all I want to do is see her and give her a hug.
It really makes you think about what is important, how life is fleeting, I don't want to scare her off, I'm not sure what it is but I can tell she's been hurt before. I sense that's she cautious, but I do think she feels the same connection I do…
I'm sure you don't care, but Penny asked what she looked like, I thought I'd tell you so you can try and form a picture. Kate has blonde hair that sits at her shoulder blades, she's 5'6ish, beautiful green eyes that can evoke the feeling of fear and love at the same time . I'll send Penny a photo and when you see her next she can show you. But all you need to know is that she makes me incredibly happy and I can't stop smiling when I think about her or talk about her.
I know it's another short one but work has been crazy.
Love you all!"
"Penny,
I hope you get this email on time, I'm heading home, I have been injured, but I'm okay, I need you to tell Mum, but don't panic her, I'm on my way back to Cairns.
Let me know how you go, I don't have access to a phone right now email me back.
Love,
Jim"
"Hey bro,
You better be okay, just spoke to mum on the phone and this next bit is from her.
James! How dare you tell me you're injured over an email. Where are you? Do you want us to come up? I hope Kate's looking after you!
Love,
Mum"
"Penny,
I just tried to call you both, but you're probably at work. Please pass this on to mum when you can.
Mum,
I'm sorry! I tried to call you, I don't have a phone right now but you can call the hotel.
I'm sitting in my hotel room in Cairns, my CT was all clear, I'm fine.
Umm, because I probably won't have the guts to tell you this on the phone I thought I should let you know that Kate and I are over, and don't bother calling me and yelling, I can hear you from here.
I know you're going to ask what happened and I don't really want to get into it so I'll give you the short version.
I'm not sure if I was right about being hurt before however I think she was hung up on someone else, and well, I think she's just realised her feelings for him. It was my decision to let her go, don't be mad at her, I can't be a second choice, I just want her to be happy.
Love and hugs,
Jim."
Kate sighed as she put down the letter, this letter made her feel worse, it just reminded her that she made him feel like she had lied to him, that she didn't really care.
She looked down, there were still a few more letters, she knew these would be the hardest to read, they were probably from when they met again, when she had actually committed herself to him.
These ones were typed, she couldn't help but giggle as she read the first sentence of the next one.
"Mum!
Welcome to the 21st century, only a century too late but better late of never!
You will never guess who pulled me out of the water today, Kate, yes, that Kate.
And yes, I can hear you screaming from excitement all the way out at sea but don't count your chickens yet, I think she's still hoping the other guy will come through for her. I just don't understand how he refuses to chose her, its been 18 months and she's still waiting. I know what you're thinking, swoop in and win her over, I tried well, I suggested that we get a drink but was rejected. I thought that I may have had a chance, I still felt that tingle when I saw her, I thought she did too but maybe I was imagining it. I was being truthful when I said I just want her to be happy.
My current mission is all over the place so again, the phone might not always been an option, so I'll email when I can.
Love,
Jim."
"Mum,
I'm not ignoring your calls, we seem to be playing phone tag, so I thought it'd be easier to email. So, you want me to start with the good news or not so good news? Okay, the not so good news, I need you not to freak out, but I had a bit of a run in with a bad guy. Luckily Kate and her crew found me and they brought back on to Hammersley and stitched me up. I've just got a concussion, nothing major, I'm okay.
But back to the good news, Kate. So, a few weeks ago I found out that the guy she had feelings for had basically chosen his job over her, and not that I want to see her sad, but she needs to realise her worth, that she's an amazing human being that deserves someone that would do just about anything for her.
We had a drink a couple of weeks ago and I suggested dinner, and she didn't say no, she actually said that it would be nice.
Anyway, back to the present, so they rescued me and stitched me up but I still needed to complete my mission. So, we were debriefing on the bridge of the ship and when we had finished Kate pulled me down to the ward room and starts lecturing me about my safety, basically yelling at me, and that's when I realised, she still has feelings for me.
I didn't want to get my hopes up but when we arrived back at port, she took me to the hospital and after we had dinner at her house, we talked like we hadn't just spent the last 18 months apart.
This is my second chance and I'm not letting her go this time.
Love,
Your extremely happy Son."
She could remember the moments vividly in her head, the awkward feeling she had sitting on that stool in the bar trying to look him in the eye and confirm that she had wasted her time waiting for Mike. She knew she had some underlying feelings for him, but she wasn't sure if it was out of convenience as Mike had just chosen the Hammersley over her. But that moment where she had been lecturing him about his injury was the moment she knew, she knew that her feels were real. Mike may have had tried to convince her otherwise, it made her so mad that he confronted her on the ship, but it just made her more sure of her feelings, she knew she had been holding on to the past because she was afraid of being hurt again.
She let out a laugh and placed her hand over her heart as she read the subject line of the next email.
"WE'RE BACK TOGETHER!
I don't know what to write, I'm just so happy! And this time I'm going to tell her how I feel, I've just got to find the right moment, there aren't too many on a crowded unromantic navy ship!
I can't wait for you to meet her!
Hopefully see you soon.
Love,
Jim"
Kate's mind flashed back to the day she knew that her feelings were genuine. They were at lunch in a local market and Jim had nervously started a conversation by saying " Kate, the past few months…" She had immediately interrupted, saying "me too!". They both laughed, and knew exactly what the other was going to say, there was no second guessing, they both knew how the other felt, and it felt good. Unfortunately minutes later they were rudely interrupted by their target Horta Chang.
She sighed and reopened her eyes and pulled the next piece of paper from the pile, it had been folded up multiple times, it wasn't like the other pieces it looked like it had been torn recklessly from a notebook. She unfolded it, there was a bright pink post it stuck over it.
"Mum,
Can you please post this to the following address in 1 week, I'll explain later.
Love, Jim"
She frowned confused about what it was, she peeled the post it off and started to read.
"Kate,
In case I don't have the guts to tell you in person, or god forbid something happens to me on this mission, I just want you to know how I feel.
I love you, yes, LOVE, you are the most incredible person I have ever met. I've probably loved you from the first moment I saw you walk into Rosie's in that pink dress. You are my penguin, my lobster, my Rocky to my Bullwinkle and I couldn't be happier.
You have captured my heart forever, you are smart, sexy, beautiful, strong, ambitious, confident, resilient, fearless, incredible, kind, I could go on and on. You have this fire inside you that inspires me to want to be a better person.
I didn't want to bring it up but I just want you to know that the last time we were together I left because I thought you may have had feelings for someone else and all I wanted was to see you happy, even if it wasn't with me.
You make my day better by just thinking of you, and I hope that you feel the same way.
Love, with all my heart.
Jim."
Kate struggled to catch her breath as she sobbed, this one was the worst and she wasn't prepared for the way it made her feel. She glanced over to the window and could see the top of Deb and Dutchy's head, she let out a sigh and swiveled her body over the edge of the bed and placed her feet on the floor. She opened the door slightly and timidly stepped outside the room, Dutchy and Deb looked up and smiled. She held out the piece of paper towards Deb.
"Why have I never seen this?"
Deb stood up and took the letter from her and smiled.
"Because he told you, he called me saying he didn't need me to send it because he had proposed to you. Kate, can't you see he would never want you to feel this way, especially about him."
Kate nodded and stepped back inside her room and closed the door, Dutchy looked over to Deb questioningly, she handed him the letter, he sat as he read it. He wiped the escaping tears from his cheeks and took a deep breath in, this was either going to be her turning point or her breaking point.
Kate sat back in her bed and gathered up the letters and held them against her chest and curled herself up in the bed.
Deb and Dutchy were still outside her room hours later, Deb sighed a stood up raising her arms above her head stretching her back.
"I really thought the letters were going to make a difference… Well, we're going to stay up here for a while, Penny has her number so we'll be in touch. Tell her to call day or night okay?"
He nodded, she gave him a squeeze on his arm.
"You're a great friend, Dylan. Thank you for looking after her."
Deb turned to leave when Dr Cowan approached them both.
"Dylan…"
Dylan stood up surprised to see her.
"Dr Cowan, what are you doing here?"
"Kate called me, it sounds like you go through to her…"
Deb shook her head and kissed the piece of per she was holding.
"No, I think Jim got through to her…"
Dutchy could tell Dr Cowan was unsure of her explanation.
"Ah, Dr Cowan, this is Deb Roth, Jim's mum, she umm, brought in some letters for Kate and we think they might be the reason Kate called…"
They shook hands.
"Mrs Roth, so nice to meet you, and I'm sorry for your loss, Jim sounded like a great son, a loving partner and a great friend."
"Thank you…"
Dr Cowan tucked the files and the notepad under her arm and straightened her glasses.
"Well, if you excuse me, I think we'd better get started."
End Chapter 17
Let me know how I went! xx
Oh and for anyone who doesn't get the Penguin, Lobster, reference. Some penguins mate for life, some spend up to a year apart and are still monogamous, and the lobster reference is from 'Friends' talking bout Ross and Rachel being each others lobster, I have since found out that they don't mate for life but I still thought it was cute, I just envision Phoebe holding her fingers together like linked claws. Friends viewers will know what I mean!