Fine is a 4 Letter Word.
Chapter 18.
Dr Cowan knocked and enter the room, Kate shifted uncomfortably seeing her, mostly out of embarrassment.
"Kate, how are you?"
She glanced up at her for a split second and looked away.
"Well, I know if I say 'fine', you won't be impressed…"
Dr Cowan smiled, humour was a good sign. She sat next to her and noticed the pages on the bed, she pretended not to know what they were.
"What are these?"
Dr Cowan went to reach for them, but Kate placed her hand over them and dragged them towards her.
"Ah, they're letters…"
She picked them up and held them in her hands for a moment, she sighed knowing that she needed to open up, after all, she was the one to call Dr Cowan.
"They're letters from Jim to his Mum…"
"Can I ask what they're about…"
Kate looked down at them and hesitated before cautiously handing them to Dr Cowan.
"Ah, me, I guess…"
Kate watched as Dr Cowan skimmed over some of the pages, tears started to form in her eyes just thinking about them. Dr Cowan glanced up at Kate and placed a hand on her arm trying to comfort her.
"These are beautiful, he really loved you."
She nodded and wiped the tears from her cheeks.
"So, how do these make you feel?"
Kate resisted the urge to scream "how do you think they make me feel?!" in response. She closed her eyes and searched for the right words.
"Umm, sad…angry…loved…"
Dr Cowan nodded and placed the letters on the bedside table.
"Why?'
Kate sat there playing with the edge of the bedsheet trying to summon the strength to put her feelings into words. She took a deep breath in and for the first time told Dr Cowan what she was really feeling.
"I feel sad because he's not here with me, that I don't have him in my life anymore. I feel angry because he didn't deserve any of this, I'm angry because I could have done something.
Kate felt her heart start to beat faster, she was getting worked up, she paused trying to calm herself down. Dr Cowan nodded along.
"It's okay, Kate, you can do this."
Kate cleared her throat and took a moment.
"I hear his voice in my mind while reading them, and just, his voice makes me feel loved, the way he spoke about me in the letters, I, I don't see that in myself but only someone who loves me could say those words. I just hope he knew how much I loved him…"
Dr Cowan smiled, finally it was something real, something genuine.
"I'm sure he did Kate, so, you know he loved you, you know why he loved you, do you really think that he'd blame you for this?"
Kate shook her head.
"No, but…"
"But what?"
Kate dropped her head, she still felt the guilt.
"I don't know…"
"Kate, I think you're looking for someone to blame, and it's so easy to blame yourself, to be mad at yourself because you can keep punishing yourself. But the real person you should be angry at is Madeline, and she is being punished."
Kate knew she was right, but it wasn't making her feel any better.
"But I was there, I could have stopped him staying."
"No, you couldn't have Kate, you know he was doing his job. Do you think he would blame you if the roles were reversed?"
Kate didn't respond, she knew he wouldn't. She closed her eyes and placed her head in her hands, Dr Cowan could see she was starting to put up her wall again
"You're doing well, Kate. I want you to do something for me…"
Kate lifted her head and glanced over to Dr Cowan.
"What?"
"I want you to write a letter to Jim, it could be about your feelings from all of this, it could be a response to one of his even. You say you hope he knew how much he loved you, tell him. But, I need you to be honest, no one has to read it, not even me but there's no point if you lie to yourself."
She handed Kate her notepad and a pen and rose from the chair.
"I'll be back tomorrow okay?… Kate, just remember keeping the pain inside doesn't make it hurt less, it just hurts the people you shut out, and you have many people out there that love you."
She gestured to her window, Kate peered out and could see 3 tops of heads, she nodded and Dr Cowan left.
Kate sat there, pen poised, she had a lot of things to say but didn't know where to start. She gripped the pen in her hand and sighed, stop thinking Kate, just write.
"Dearest Jim,
There are so many things that I want to say to you and I can't believe that I will never be able to
She stopped as she felt a giant lump form in her throat, she couldn't do this, it was too hard, too painful. She chucked the notepad and pen at the end of the bed and curled herself up on the bed hugging her pillow.
Later that day she was awoken by footsteps entering her room, she ignored them and remained lying with her back to whom ever was in her room. She heard the notepad being lifted off the bed and immediately turned not wanting anyone to read a single word. She was startled to see Mike standing at the foot of her bed.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you…"
Kate slowly propped herself up on her pillows and rubbed her hands over her face hoping she didn't look like a mess.
"It's okay…"
Mike sat down in the chair beside her not really knowing what to say, Kate glanced over to him at the same time wondering what he was doing there.
"Mike?"
"Ah, I just, I wanted…"
Mike stopped he didn't want to admit he was checking up on her, but Kate knew what he was doing, she tried not toe be annoyed. Dr Cowan's words repeated in her head. "It just hurts the people you push away."
"Mike, it's okay, you wanted to check on me, you can say that. I know in the past that I, umm, I have been difficult."
Mike reached out and held her hand and gave her a sympathetic smile.
"Kate, you weren't difficult, you were, you are grieving."
Kate nodded, Mike handed her the note pad.
"What's this?"
"Ah, Dr Cowan wanted me to write a letter to Jim, he umm, wrote a bunch of letters to his mum, about me…"
Mike smiled, not quite sure how to respond. Kate picked up the pile and shuffled through them.
"But, I can't…"
"What do you mean you can't?"
"I just…"
Kate looked down at the letters trying not to cry, Mike gripped her hand a little tighter.
"Don't force it, the words will come, no one can take away the loved that you shared… Anyway, I just wanted to know that I had been thinking of you, I guess I felt a little embarrassed because I, I didn't know what to do, I just left you, left you to crumble…"
It was Kate's turn to squeeze Mike's hand for comfort.
"It's okay, Mike, I didn't help, I pushed everyone away, I knew you were there…"
Mike smiled and stood from the chair, he leaned down and kissed her on the cheek.
"Well, I just wanted to say hi, and I'll see you soon…"
Mike left as Dr Fitzgerald knocked on the door frame and entered the room.
"Kate, how do you feel about going home?"
She nodded eagerly.
"Yes, please!"
"Okay, well Dr Cowan has some conditions…"
Kate nodded again.
"I assumed…"
"Well, I'll get your discharge papers ready…"
Dr Fitzgerald left the room, she glanced up and saw 2Dads pacing back and forth outside her window, she smiled and called out to him.
"2Dads, get in here, now…"
She watched as he immediately turned and headed for the door, he stood in the doorway, his eyes focused on the floor as he scuffed his shoes along the tiles. He didn't know if she'd be glad to see him, he glanced up at her for a split second.
"Hi…"
She patted the space on the bed next to her and smiled, from the look on her face he knew that she was happy to see him, he ran to the bed and threw his arms around her.
"I'm so glad you're feeling better, oh, am I allowed to say that?"
She laughed and ruffed his hair.
"I know what you mean, and I'm doing better party because of you…"
He let her go and looked down towards his feet embarrassed by her statement.
"Don't thank me Kate, I didn't know what I was doing…"
Kate placed a hand on his shoulder making him glance up at her.
"2Dads, if you didn't bash down that door in that hotel room…"
She couldn't bring herself to say the words but she didn't need to, he nodded.
"I know…"
Kate took both of his hands in hers and smiled.
"Leo, I don't think you realise the incredible person you have become. When you first joined The Hammersley, I seriously doubted that you would have what it takes, but even I can be wrong…"
He let out a scoff and gave her a friendly nudge.
"Can I get that in writing?"
She playfully shoved him back and laughed.
"If you repeat it, I will deny it. But seriously, you, you have become one of my most favourite people in the entire world, you're a good person and I will never forget thing things you have done for me. And if I have learned anything in the past few months, it's that if people mean something to you, you need to tell them."
2Dads didn't know what to say, a few rogue tears escaped his eyes.
"Right back at you…"
He pulled her in for another hug and wiped the tears from his cheeks.
"And if you tell anyone I cried, I'll deny it!"
An hour later Dutchy had taken Kate home, he flung open her front door and placed her bag in the laundry. Kate flopped onto the couch and her sat next to her.
"So, you want a cuppa or anything…"
She shot him an unimpressed look.
"Dutchy, don't start fussing, please."
Dutchy put his hands up in surrender and laughed.
"Yes, boss…"
Kate stood from the couch and wandered around the lounge room feeling a little lost.
"Ah, I might just have a lay down…"
Dutchy frowned, he sensed something was bothering her.
'You've been laying down for the past 2 days…"
Kate wrapped her arms around herself and headed for the stairs.
"Yeah, well, it's been an emotional couple of days."
Dutchy stood from the couch and smiled in her direction.
"It's okay, Kate, I get the hint, you want some space.."
She gave him a halfhearted smile.
"Thanks, Dutchy…"
"Just don't ignore my messages later…"
She smiled and gave him a hug and grabbed an envelope out of her bag.
"Promise… Can you do me a favour and put this in the post for me?"
She handed him the envelope, Dutchy flipped it over and read the address and raised an eyebrow.
"What is it?"
"Ah, they're the letters from Jim to his mum, she left them at the hospital…"
"Are you sure?"
She nodded, Dutchy took the envelope from her and left as Kate headed for the stairs. She heard the door click shut and turned back and walked into the lounge room, she stood in front of the cupboard and opened the drawer that contained all the photos of her and Jim. She pulled out the photo from their first date and sat it on the mantle and stared at it. She turned and sat on the couch, her eyes still focused on the photo. Part of her wanted to shove it back into the drawer, she wished that she didn't take her happiness for granted. But the other part wanted to hold it and cry and never let it go.
She got up and grabbed the notebook that Dr Cowan had given her and sat back on the couch and propped herself up with the pillows. She exhaled and continued with her letter.
"Dearest Jim,
There are so many things that I want to say to you and I can't believe that I will never be able to say them to you face.
I love you, I love you so much, and I would give anything just to be able to tell you one last time.
I will regret, for the rest of my life, not saying yes instantly, but you surprised me, I guess I was more worried that you would change your mind, that I couldn't live up to the person you thought I was. I worry that you were the reason that I was that person, and now you're gone I don't know if I'll be able to find her again?
I don't know why it took me so long to realise that you were the one, you always had my best interests at heart. You made me incredibly happy, I smiled every second that I'm was with you, and every second that I thought of you made it my heart flutter. When you smiled at me you made me feel like we're the only 2 people on earth.
I know that you'd hate me saying this but, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for leaving you on that boat. Everyone is telling me that it's not my fault, I know it not technically my fault, it's Madeline's, but I should have told you to leave that boat. I should have told you that your life was more important, I shouldn't have left you out there. I know that's something I will have to live with and maybe one day I will believe what everyone is telling me.
I don't know how I'm going to live my life without you, I'm scared, terrified, that you were the best thing to happen to me and I will never find that kind of love again.
I love you so much, and I will continue to love you for the rest of my life.
She stopped as her tears fell onto the page making the ink run, she placed the notepad on the table and grabbed the throw rug and curled herself up under it.
The tears subsided as she drifted off to sleep and started to dream, it was surreal, she knew she was dreaming but it was so real.
They were sitting on her couch, Kate cuddled up in Jim's embrace.
"I miss you…"
He looked down at her and smiled, she swore that she could feel his arm around her, smell is cologne.
"I miss you too, Smudge…"
She smiled as she heard his voice, he leaned forward and grabbed the notepad off the table. She sat up and watched him read her letter, he smiled as tears ran down his cheeks, a moment later his smile turned into a frown. He placed the pad back on the table and turned to face her, his eyes met hers and he cupped her face in her hand. She couldn't feel his touch but more of a gentle warmth throughout her body.
"Katie, don't you dare say you're sorry, I chose to stay, I had to try to disarm the bomb, so many people were in danger, including you. I hate that I can't be there to hug you, to reassure you, and most of all I hate that you feel this way. Please, let it go, you need to, please, for me. I love you."
Tears rolled down both their cheeks.
"I love you too…"
She reached out to touch him, to kiss him, but opened her eyes when she didn't feel his lips, she was awake and sitting up on the couch.
Before she could register what had happened, there was a knock at her door, she wiped the tears from her cheeks and lifted herself of the couch. She slowly opened the door and smiled as she saw Deb.
"Deb, hi…"
"Hi, Kate. I hope you don't mind me showing up unannounced."
"Of course, would you like to come in?"
She nodded and Kate let her in and and they made their way into the lounge room and sat on the couch, Deb spotted the picture of Kate and Jim and walked over to the mantle and picked it up.
"This is a beautiful photo…"
"You can have it if you like…"
'Oh, no, Kate, I couldn't.."
She placed it back on to the mantle and took out her phone
"How about I take a photo of the photo, that's all I need Kate, I know this was from your first date."
They sat back on the couch and Deb noticed the notepad on the table, Kate picked it up and handed it to her.
"It was Dr Cowan's idea, in response to the letters that he wrote you…"
"Oh, it's okay, I don't have to read it…"
Kate shook her head and smiled.
"Please…"
Deb took the notepad from her and exhaled, trying to prepare herself. Kate watched as Deb's eyes scanned the page, tears rolled down both of their cheeks.
"Kate, this is beautiful."
"I umm, I had a dream after I wrote it. We were sitting on the couch and he read it, he told me that I shouldn't be sorry, that he loved me but I needed to let it go."
Deb nodded and placed her hand on Kate's and smiled.
"It's true, dear, he wouldn't have wanted this for you, he would want you to live your life. You know, to know that he was loved, it helps, that he knew what it felt like to be loved, everyone should experience love once in their life."
"I know, and you were right, I can honour him by being the person he thought I was."
"No, Kate, you can honour him by being the person that you are…"
A giant smiled crossed Deb's face.
"Smart, sexy, beautiful, strong, ambitious, confident, resilient, fearless, incredible and kind."
She let out a chuckle.
"I know, I've read the letters too many times…"
She pulled an envelope from her bag and handed them to Kate.
"So, you need to keep these now, just in case you need a reminder…"
Kate looked at the envelope and frowned.
"Ah, I gave these to Dutchy to post…"
Deb laughed and placed them in her lap.
"Yeah, and he called me, and I'm so glad he did.."
Kate shook her head, and handed them back to her.
"Oh, Deb, no I can't do that…"
Deb refused to take it and grabbed Kate's hand placing the envelope in it.
"Yes, you can!"
She laughed and placed the notepad on top.
"I've got copies in my fire-proof safe, but you need the originals."
Kate smiled and traced her finger over them.
"You know, I can hear his voice when I read them…"
Deb squeezed her hand and got up off the couch.
"Me too, hun."
Kate looked up at her and smiled.
"Thank you, for everything…"
She gripped the envelope a little tighter.
"These mean the world to me, and I don't know where I would be if I hadn't read them."
Deb leaned in and gave her a hug.
"No, thank you for loving my son. Remember, I'm only a phone call away, I hope you won't be a stranger, but if it's too much I understand."
She gave Kate a kiss on the forehead and left.
End of Chapter 18.
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