The Loudest Yard

Episode begins with Lincoln playing a video game of Muscle Fish escaping a crazy kitchen. Rita and Logan comes in to his room.

Rita: Lincoln, why don't go outside? It's not healthy to sit around playing video games all day.

Lincoln: Actually, Mom, some studies show-

Rita and Logan: Out.

Lincoln: Right...

Cut to the tree in the backyard; Lincoln is still playing his video game.

Rita: That's not what i meant! You need to get some exercise! And i have just the thing.

The mall. Lynn Sr. and some of the other fathers are power walking inside.

Lynn Sr.: [panting] Good workout, eh, son?

Lincoln: [keeping up at a normal pace] Feeling the burn, Dad...

Lynn Sr.: Last one to the food court buys the soft pretzels!

Lincoln comes to a halt and sees the arcade. He goes inside and plays Total Turbo: Super Bikers XXll only to get caught.

Lynn Sr.: Ahem?

Lincoln: Oh! Hey, Dad. [chuckles nervously] Guess I'm paying for the pretzels...

His dad grabs him. Back at the house, Logan is doing some pushups.

Logan: [panting] I just about made it to 200 pushup. How are you doing back there, Lincoln?

Lincoln: I'm A-okay.

It turns out he's just reading a comic book on the ground only to be caught by Logan.

Lincoln: Oh! Hi, Logan. [chuckles nervously] How was the pushups?

Logan: Lincoln, you can't keep playing video games or reading comic books all day. It's not healthy for you. I'm afraid me and Mom have to take other measures.

Lincoln: [uneasy] What kind of measures?

He is now given gear for a certain sport.

Lincoln: Football? Come on, guys. You two know sports aren't my thing.

Cut to a montage of Lincoln participating in sports, but not actually playing them. He's playing catch with Clyde. Clyde tosses him the ball but he's just reading comic books and misses the ball. He's playing Basketball with Liam. Liam passes the ball, but it just passes by Lincoln preoccupied with his comics. He's playing Badminton with Lola. Lola serves the shuttlecock, but he has his racket secured around his sweatband while he's playing video games and the shuttlecock hits him in the head, not even fazing him. Lynn tosses a horseshoe that misses the ringer and hits Lincoln's shin.

Lincoln: OW!

End montage.

Rita: Ugh. I know, honey, but you left me choice. One way or another, you have get some exercise.

Logan: You brought this on yourself, little bro.

Lincoln: Mom, Logan, wait! Look! [pretends to do aerobics] I'm exercising right now! [pulls a muscle] Ow, ow! Charley Horse!

Rita sighs and walks away with Logan follow behind.

Lincoln: [to the viewers] Clearly, i cannot play football. Fortunately, in a big family, there's always someone who can help you out of a jam.

He's conversing with Lola about his quandary

Lola: An injury to get out of sports...that can be arranged.

Lincoln: Just not the face.

Lola: We'll see... [she sips her tea]

In the backyard. Lola has her kiddie car all warmed up, ready to do something that involves injuring Lincoln.

Lincoln: Go easy, okay? [sticks his leg out]

Lola: [grinning fiercely] We'll see.

She puts the pedal to the metal, and at the last second, Lincoln moves his leg out of the way, making Lola crash right into the trash.

Lola: [enraged] YOU WANT AN INJURY?! I'LL GIVE YOU ONE!!! [charges at Lincoln]

Lincoln: [trying to run away only to pull a muscle again] Ow, ow! Charley Horse!

Lola pounces on him to pulverize him until Lynn and Anastasia shows up.

Anastasia: Oh, we're wrestling?

Lynn: Cool! [blows a whistle and stops the brawl] Lola, that's unnecessary roughness!

Lola: Well, he deserves it! I was trying to help him get of playing Football, and he made me total my car! AND I JUST PUT IN THE CUPCAKE AIR FRESHENER!

Lynn: [to Lincoln] Wait. Get out of playing Football? Why would you wanna do that? Football rules!

Lincoln: Maybe for you. I don't even know how to play. Plus, I'm gonna get my butt kicked.

Lola: [holding her grudge] You got that right!

Lynn: That's enough! Hit the showers!

Lola storms off growling.

Anastasia: Uncle, i think you forgot that you've a secret weapon: Lynn.

Lynn: She's right. I'll teach you everything you need to about Football.

Anastasia: And I'll be watching from the background. And maybe be a little help in some of it.

Lincoln: Um...

Lynn: Good. Now drop and give me 20

Lincoln gets down on the ground and takes out his wallet and a five dollar bill.

Lincoln: I've only got a 5.

Lynn realizes it's not gonna be easy. She shows her brother how to step by running through tires which he trips over and gets rolled off by. She shows him how to drink raw eggs for protein. He tries it only to throw up in the toilet. She shows him how to pass by tossing a ball through the center of the back of the head by the ball. She takes him for a jog around the neighborhood. By sunset, she makes it back and Lincoln took a bus back home much to her and Anastasia's disappointment. She shows him how to punt with Lucy as the ball holder.

Anastasia: Wait! Before you kick the ball, Uncle, i want you to put these on.

Anastasia gives Lincoln a yellow polo shirt with a black zig-zag stripe around the middle, black shorts, and a fake bald head mask with a small curl of hair at the front of the head.

Lincoln: [confuse] What does these got anything to do with Football?

Anastasia: Don't ask questions! Either you put them on, or I'm going to go get Aunty Lola so she can finish what she started!

Lincoln: Okay, okay! I'll put these on.

Anastasia: Excellent.

After Lincoln put on the outfit Anastasia give him, some Peanuts style music starts to play and Lincoln charges at the ball, but Lucy pulls it away just like in the come strip.

Lincoln: ARGH!!! [lands on his back]

Lucy smiles at what she did as Anastasia laughs at it as well.

Anastasia: [still laughing] Oh, man. That was so priceless. I can't believe he fell for that. [laughing some more]

At Ketcham Park, they're practicing receiving.

Lynn: Hike! [passes the ball Lincoln]

Lincoln gets decked in the eye and crashes by the feet of some bulky Football kids who laugh at his pain.

Hocker 1: If you clowns are done, we need the field! We gotta practice for junior football league.

Lincoln: You guys are playing junior football, too? What team are you on?

Hocker 1: The Hazeltucky Hockers!

They hock loogies.

Hocker 2: What team are you on?

Lincoln: The Royal Woods Roosters!

Lincoln and Lynn: [waving their hands high up] Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Anastasia: Oh, man. Those are just terrible. [hears someone honking from the background] Well, my Dad's here. Have fun talking about your terrible junior football name or whatever. I don't care, I'm leaving. See you lame-os later.

A couple days later, Anastasia is in the dining room reading something in a book.

Anastasia: Hmm, very interesting.

Just then, she heard her grandfather and Logan talking to Lincoln about something. So she got up and eavesdrop on their conversations.

Logan: We're so proud of you, little bro! We're all gonna be at your game tomorrow!

Lincoln: [worrisome] All of you?

Lynn Sr.: You betcha! And if you need some new moves for your touchdown dance... [shows off some of his break dancing moves and scats] I'm on fire, on fire, on fire! [dances and scats some more]

Enter Anastasia.

Anastasia: I see you got a football game tomorrow, Uncle. Congratulations. I wish you the best of luck. [leaves]

The next day at the big game. It's the Roosters vs the Hockers. Lynn Sr. is dressed in a Rooster costume with his tail feathers blocking Rita's face. Lana has face makeup on and is holding a sign that says "GO!" Lily has one that says "GOO!" with her face as the first "O". Lucy has a sign that says "Embrace the darkness". Logan, Leni, Luan, Lola, and Anastasia are excited for the game, but Lisa is just reading a book on advanced calculus. Lori is using binoculars to search for her star player brother.

Lori: I literally don't see Lincoln anywhere. [spots him right in front her face and drops the binoculars in fright] AAAHH!!!

Lincoln: [waving] Hey, guys!

Rita: There's my little Football star!

Lana: Lincoln! Sigh my hat! [tosses it to him]

Lincoln: [chuckles nervously] Saving it for the game.

Anastasia: [realize something] Wait a minute, where's Aunty Lynn?

Under the bleachers, Lincoln has swapped the gear out over to Lynn.

Announcer: Number one, Lincoln Loud!

Lynn: Well, that's me!

Lincoln: I think we're gonna pull this off.

Lily drops her drink through the crack between seats and babbles upon seeing their secret.

Lincoln: Shh!

Lily laughs as Anastasia wonder what it is she's laughing at.

Anastasia: What's you laughing at, Aunty Lily? [gasps upon seeing Lincoln hiding under the bleachers] Uncle Lincoln? Are...are you hiding under the bleachers?

Lincoln: Shh! keep it down. I can't have the others knowing about this.

Anastasia: [disappointed] You should be ashame of yourself.

Anastasia and Lily turned around to watch the game.

Lincoln: Whew! That was close.

A few minutes later, everyone is still watching the game. Anastasia is sitting there still very upset about Lincoln hiding under the bleachers. Logan notices this and wonder why his daughter is upset.

Logan: What's wrong, pea pie? Why do you look upset for?

Anastasia: Just thinking about something.

Logan: What's you're thinking about that got you so worked up?

Anastasia: Well...

Just before she could answer, the ref blows his whistle which got Logan and Anastasia's attention.

Logan: Now what?

It's turns out that Lynn got injured and the team carries her to the sidelines.

Logan: [worried] Oh, no, Lincoln!

Logan left the stands to check if his "brother" is alright; not knowing that it's Lynn. The Hockers from before laugh and hock some more.

Anastasia: I really want to repeatedly punch those two.

Coach: Back off! Give hin some air!

The coach takes Lynn's helmet off and reveals her in front of everyone.

Lynn Sr., Rita, and Logan: LYNN?!

Coach: Who's Lynn? I thought you were Lincoln.

Lincoln: No, I'm Lincoln. Lynn, are you okay?

Lynn: I'm fine. I think i just sprained my ankle.

Coach: Would somebody mind telling me what the heck is going on?

Rita: Yes! I'd like know, too!

Lincoln: This is all my fault, Mom. I didn't wanna play Football, so i convinced Lynn to play for me.

Lynn Sr.: Bogus, guys! I mean, unacceptable!

Logan: Now i understand why Anastasia was upset! I can't believe you two get this!

Coach: [sympathetically to Lynn] Take care of that ankle. I want you on my team next year.

Referee: Coach, get your team on the field or you forfeit.

Coach: I got a problem, Ref. I'm one man short.

Lincoln: No, you're not. [takes off his umbrella hat] Mom, I'm sorry i lied, and now I'm gonna do what you and Logan asked me to: get some exercise.

The score is 28 to 27 with the Roosters leading by one.

Coach: We're up by one with a minute to go. Just don't blow it.

Lincoln: [does the cheer] Cock-a-doodle-doo, couch! [heads out onto the field to play] You can do this. You can do this.

Hocker 1: Back for more, Loud? Back choice.

Hockers hock again.

Lincoln: [intimidated] You can't do this.

Rooster player: Set, hut, hut, hike! [snaps the ball and passes it to Lincoln]

Lincoln: I caught it!

The Hockers come charging at Lincoln and he runs around the field like crazy and scores on the end zone.

Lincoln: Yes! [laughs, then turns to the viewers] I don't know what i was so afraid of. Sports can be pretty awesome. And it turns out, I'm a natural.

However, the Hocker player tags him, indicating he screwed up.

Hocker 1: YEAH!

The whistle blows, ending the game.

Coach: Loud, you ran the wrong way and scored a safety for the other team! We lost!

Anastasia: [o-s] NICE GOING, YOU BLOCKHEAD!

The Hockers are victorious and take home the winning trophy, leaving Lincoln to realize his mistake.

Lincoln: Uh-oh...

The other Roosters come charging at Lincoln to get back at him for botching the last play, and he runs away from them.

Lincoln: [to the viewers] A correction to my previous statement: i am not a natural. But, on the plus side, at least I'm getting some exercise. [pulls a muscle] GAH! Charley Horse! [falls over in pain]

Author note: I was going to make a continuation of this episode, but since i want to get to season 2 before this year ends and the fact that i am planning on a two or three part special that is a continuation to One of the Boys, I'm going to make the sequel to this episode in season 2.