Chapter XVIII
"I have learned this: it is not what one does that is wrong, but what one becomes as a consequence of it." ~ Oscar Wilde
Gloria bit her lip so hard that she drew blood. She had lost her self-control all over again. And this time she did real damage. Those words shouldn't have been told. They were cruel. Most of all they were unfair. And the word 'sorry' wasn't enough to undo the damage.
Emily got shocked. What was she referring to? Dumbfound and worried, she watched her colleague as she turned her back abruptly and hang her head ashamed and guilty.
"What are you talking about?", Emily managed to ask.
"Forget it, Emily. She is stressed.", Clyde tried to calm the situation.
"Ria…", Emily softened and the name almost sounded like a plea.
She had already regretted her own words. But with what Clyde had said just before that argument, Gloria's accusing, Emily had started to understand. Her friend had kept many things hidden, too many things indeed… But as she was about to say something, deciding not to leave another chance of talking with the other woman slip, the door knocked and opened revealing JJ.
"Blake and Reid…", she stopped for a while noticing the tense atmosphere in the room, "They managed to decode the message."
"We're coming.", Emily replied sharply.
JJ nodded and she thought twice before leaving the room. They didn't need to go anywhere. She could have told them. But Emily looked devastated and Clyde angry. Gloria didn't make any move at all. So JJ decided to let it drop and left.
"Emily, just do what you think is best.", Gloria spoke without turning and without raising her head.
It was the very first time ever that Emily could hear pure defeat in the redhead's voice and guilt overwhelmed her.
"Let's go.", Clyde said to her.
As the two of them were about to exit the room, he, passing Gloria, who wasn't planning on following them, grabbed her arm.
"When are you going to stop hurting others because you are in pain?", he said strictly.
Gloria didn't react at all. She didn't even look at him. Yes, he had seen all of that before. She was shutting off and she was hardly holding on. But in spite of what Clyde had done after Fidget's interrogation to bring her head back, that time he didn't say anything more to provoke her. They all had heard enough.
When the two of them were out of the room, Emily turned to Easter.
"They weren't allowed to go in together because they were involved and the uppers knew since I had ratted them out. It's this, isn't it, Clyde?", she pressed, guilt heard in her own voice.
"Yes.", the British man replied letting a breath.
"Why she never told anything?", Emily asked getting completely stunned and confused.
"Ria never forgave herself that Rich picked himself to go in to protect her and she couldn't do anything to change the outcome. She doesn't blame you. She blames herself.", he said as a matter of fact.
"But if I hadn't…", she started desperately, looking at the closed door.
How could Ria live with that burden in her soul for so many years? It wasn't just that she had lost the man she loved. That professional mess that Emily was forced to start had caused so much extra pain on her. How could she hide it? How could she be her friend? If it had been her and Aaron, Emily would have been furious with whoever took away her chance of protecting him... Gloria was right. Emily was to be blamed for a lot of things…
Clyde softened. He had always a soft spot for Emily and seeing her distressed affected him. He could go back and narrate the very last conversation that he had with the dead man and show her that nobody blamed her for anything, that even the disturbing way the things had come, Whelan was glad that he had the choice to keep Gloria safe, but he wasn't keen on the emotional talk.
"Em, nothing was your fault. Hers neither. It was no else's fault but the man's that pulled that trigger and whoever put him to do it. Nobody could have ever changed what happened. And I think me saying it counts.", he said simply holding her arms.
He wasn't a stranger to the whole situation. He had lost his friend that day, one of the very few, in front of him. Easter had went in the farm that day too. He had witnessed that shot. He was the one that had killed the shooter point blank. He didn't have time to grieve himself too occupied with trying to console the woman sobbing outside and everything that followed. No, he wasn't a stranger to any of this.
Emily looked up towards him. That was the very first time she was seeing Clyde Easter actually behaving so softly, almost tenderly. That was another surprise for her and Emily thought for a moment that with this damn job they had, none of them could ever be sure of their colleague's real character and thoughts, even if they knew each other for far too many years.
"Is everything alright?", Hotch's voice came from the end of the corridor as he walked toward them.
He threw a harsh glare to Easter, causing his hands to return by his sides. He had already enough on the British agent going back to the first time he met him, best for him not to add more.
Clyde couldn't hold himself from not smiling to the side for short. 'Don't worry, Agent Hotchner. Em is all yours.', he thought in his head.
Hotch turned to Emily worried. She looked like she had too much in her mind and in her heart.
"Emily?", he asked again.
"It's OK.", she replied quickly straightening herself, "What did the coded message say finally?"
"The package is on board and we are on route. Meet us by the Blue Rock."
"Blue Rock?", Emily asked.
"Apparently some deserted island they had code-named like that.", Clyde replied, "Do we know anything about the recipient of the message?"
"The ship and the yacht they accompanied were travelling in the Mediterranean, from Morocco to south Spain. The message was sent to another yacht not very far from them. It's not common for a security ship to contact private ones and that's why MI6 flagged it. But the communication didn't continue. Probably they got spooked by something and stopped, if they had anything else to say.", Emily enlightened him.
She hadn't said to the others and Clyde that part of the MI6 document. The man on the yacht that Black Cross was providing security was the leeway inside that she had been looking for, the leeway she was talking about just minutes ago.
"Black Cross was protecting an Irish diplomat named Gregory Murphy.", she continued.
The two Interpol agents exchanged a look and Hotch understood that something was up. That Irish diplomat being in the radar of MI6 meant that he wasn't clean. Obviously there was even more to the story.
Emily took a breath. She had to talk to him and she knew he wouldn't like what he was about to hear.
"We have to talk."
"OK.", he obliged confused with her tone.
"Clyde, just keep an eye on everything.", she finished.
Clyde watched them for a while as they walked towards Hotch's office. Murphy was really a leeway. Easter still had his concerns but now he was convinced. However, Agent Hotchner was going to be furious and stressed in some minutes. The blond agent didn't know if he had to wish that Hotch could change Emily's mind. For the case they didn't have any other way around. They needed inside information, if they wanted to break a cycle that extended from the streets to the ranks of Interpol. Clyde had a reputation of being objective on the job and Emily was the only chance.
His minded drifted to the other woman left in the room. Even if he was angry with Gloria for what she did, he knew that she was falling apart and she wouldn't be able to keep her pieces together on her own. He wasn't the best person to deal with her, though. He had failed twice. The first time she was able to fight it herself. But apparently she did only half of the job. So the second time came and then he neglected to see the signs, his objective judgement was wrong on top of that, and she barely got saved. He couldn't risk of messing the third time. Clyde shook his head. Sometimes he thought that the very person that could deal with Gloria and her rather complicated character was gone forever. But probably Richard Whelan wasn't the only one able to do that.
Once she was left alone, Gloria fell on the chair, her head between her hands. Imagine half of that emotional turmoil was panic for Emily's safety. She had quite the way of showing it, though, the cruellest.
Clyde was right. She always used to attack when she was in pain. She never had any other way: hiding, escaping, attacking. Nothing else and nothing more. That 'thing' that she had inside her always took over, when she was crumbling. The same one that liked the dirt, that enjoyed the rush of bending the rules, the same one that made her 'insane' enough – her own words – to stare into the abyss and dive into it. She had been like that all of her life. It wasn't any loss that turned her into what she was in spite of what many people thought. She never changed. She may have had changed if that loss hadn't happened. Probably that's why she was still hurting that much. She had lost her only chance to become normal, to get rid of that 'thing'.
That was no excuse for what she had done throughout those hours, though. With David it was her own feelings that messed up the situation and at least she only managed to embarrass her own self. But with Emily, she had hurt her. Not able to control her temper, the turmoil of her emotions, she had burst to her friend the worst thing of all. She had kept all that story hidden for so long because she knew that it was wrong. She knew that Emily didn't deserve that accusation. Nobody did. Nobody else… But that hadn't overpowered the guilt, the pain and that 'why' that tormented her all those years and that had come back in full force these days. Still Gloria had hurt her friend in cold blood. She had hurt her because she was hurt, just like… Just like a monster.
She was aware what that 'thing' was, a monster lying beneath the surface. It had never stopped eating her up. It had been doing that for so long that she wasn't sure if there was anything left anymore. Given her latest actions, there was nothing left. She had pushed a caring man away acting like a whore. She had harmed her friend without any second thought. Gloria was feeling like she was consuming her own flesh and it wouldn't be long before she was pushed over the edge, again…
Tears were rising in her eyes for one more time. But she wouldn't let them fall. It wasn't because of pride. It was just her in that room, nobody was going to witness it anyway. It was because of fear. The truth was that the woman who hadn't even blinked facing a million of dangers was scared of crying, scared that if she started she would never stop.
"What is it, Emily?", Hotch asked the moment they retrieved in his office and the door was closed.
Emily bit her lip in her usual way. There weren't many ways to word what she was planning. At least before they reached the point of Hotch's objections, she had to fully explain the reasons. But after what had happened with Gloria, she had to put her head in order again and that needed some moments.
"Sweetheart?", he asked again softly, his palms going to her shoulders.
Emily slipped away from his hands, alarming Hotch even more about what was about to follow. She didn't want his touch putting second thoughts in her head. She was finally with the man she loved for so many years, having decided to get the life that she dreamed. But whatever had happened in the past, what she had done was coming back. It wasn't coming biased by any UnSub like a few months ago in London. It wasn't coming back as haunting memories. She was the one bringing it back in flesh and blood. Aaron was going to be hurt. She knew. Her mind slipped again to Ria's accusation. She remembered Matthew, too. Sometimes she was thinking that she was a bad influence to every person that got close to her, only causing problems. Probably that's why unconsciously she never had many too close, personal relationships. See, when she had tried to change, 'he' had made her change, what she was about to do.
"For the last 48 hours we have learned far too much.", she cleared her throat, "We even dug up the past. But nothing is enough. Let's face the truth whatever we will discover isn't going to be solid. Whoever is behind has been planning this for years. He is not going to be exposed by single person that may talk, if any."
Hotch had to agree. What they were facing was bigger than anything they had before. It had history, it had plan.
"We still don't know what Hathaway might say.", he tried though.
"I don't know why he came here but my guess is that he is here to mislead us. And we are afraid he has inside information."
Hotch tightened his lips. That was the single one thing they didn't need at that moment: an informer.
"Don't worry. Whoever is the mole is not in the FBI. He is in us and he has been for many years. They are trying to send the FBI the wrong way, at the same time they have inside info and we have nothing apart from ten-year-old stories, suspicions and a man that can't elaborate us because they killed him. They have their tricks. We need ours and organised terrorism, organised crime can only be set up, need to be baited, Hotch."
He froze for a moment. It had been a very long time, since the last time she called him 'Hotch'. He knew what she was doing. She was trying to separate their personal life from their professional decisions. That meant that what she had in mind wasn't for good.
"So what are you planning to do?", he asked folding his arms.
"You know that since that case started, I was considering the option of an undercover operation."
He already started panicking. They were considering the possibility of a snitch and she was still thinking about that undercover thing?
"With an informer around an undercover operation is suicide.", he started but she cut him off.
"I am not leaving any paper trail.", she took a breath, "Actually, the fact that we can't bring anyone new is to our advantage."
If Hotch had just started panicking a moment ago, now he was panicked. Easter couldn't be the person. Paterson for sure not. That only left Emily.
"We need to infiltrate them quickly. We need a person that a couple of them have heard of, a person they know.", she carried on quickly.
"And that's you?!", he was losing his coolness for one more time, Emily and her ideas would give him a heart-attack one day.
"That's Lauren Reynolds. Her character was built around Paradise Demons. I knew some of them. I had to build a history around them to make her believable and some of them they are still involved in the NPD."
"Even if that's the case you can't start from the ground.", he tried to reason.
"And that's why I didn't consider that option from the start but only after the second paper that came from MI6. That Irish diplomat on the yacht was suspected of facilitating the transport of guns for the organisation back then. Apparently it remained a suspicion. He is still a diplomat, involved with Black Cross, the message is only two years old. He knows the big head.", she took another breath, "And he knows me. I've met him while I was with Doyle."
After the name 'Lauren Reynolds', 'Doyle' was the second name that Hotch had wished never to hear again.
"Emily, that's too risky. You can't be sure of his exact knowledge! Please, tell me that none of your people agreed to that!", he protested.
"Gloria no. But Clyde understands that's a way to leads."
"You were pursued by an international criminal, I had to beg him to help! He exposed his own agent to a life-threatening situation! Of course, he would agree to this!", he raised his tone, his blood was boiling literally.
"It's my decision, Hotch."
Again with the 'Hotch', he thought. Maybe there had been a time that they were able to split their feelings from the job, but not anymore, not when they had both expressed them and lived by them.
"Cut the 'Hotch', Emily. I told you I can't afford to lose you for a third time.", he said firmly but soflt looking deep into his eyes.
"And I told you, you won't.", Emily hang her head.
What she just said was what he had thought that belonged to the past and nothing more. She, herself, had preferred never to show him that part of her that in a split of second could decide to take a dive into the dark side. But the woman that one night had decided to be Lauren Reynolds the first time was no other woman but herself. It was no other life. It was time for him to accept all her different lives as one, hers, even if she knew he had the moment he told her that he loved her. Then probably it was her time to accept it. She had tried to forget. But nobody could ever move away from what they were able to do, could they?
"Are you sure you haven't made the decision out of pressure?", he asked.
"You and Ria are the same, finally.", Emily shook her head, smiling ironically to the side, "We are lucky that we didn't have another hit the last twelve hours. And when we do, we will only count bodies. Nothing more. They are ten steps ahead of us. We have to catch up with them quickly, at least try."
Hotch rubbed his forehead, letting a breath. He knew she had points. He knew that they had to do something radical to stop whoever they were facing. But not this! How would he cope? He had lost it outside a religious campus. He had almost cried in front of everyone, when she disappeared to catch Doyle. Would he be able to remain cool with this, now that he had her in his arms, in his life, now that he was thinking of a future with her? At the same time though, he knew the stubborn agent Prentiss, the one that, once she was committed on the right thing, she could do anything to achieve it.
Emily was hurt by what she had done. Seeing the stoic Unit Chief sad and desperate was itself a hurtful scene itself, even more when that man was the man she loved for such a long time. And she had caused it… She reached for him, her fingertips caressing his cheeks.
"I wouldn't do it, if it wasn't the only solution. You would have done the same thing, wouldn't you?", she whispered.
Hotch looked at her and his arms automatically closed around her. She was right. But would they ever get a break to a peaceful life? Probably he was asking for too much.
"I will move every rock and finish it, before you have to get exposed into any danger.", he said decisively in her ear.
"I'll pull back the moment I get a wrong feeling. I promise you, Aaron."
"O, that's a brave man! He writes brave versus, speaks brave words, swears brave oaths, and breaks them bravely," ~ William Shakespeare
And some H/P moments because I had left the pair aside for some time!
And the proper reason for Emily's decision because Gloria's outburst before didn't leave her space to explain. But even if she had, Gloria would have said the same things, because the reasons of her disagreement are far from the case.
Spoiler: Hotch won't be able to do what he says…
Guys, I'm not hearing from you almost at all and honestly I'm getting worried. I'm experimenting on this fic (and I'm over my head with the case I'm building and that emotional stuff of the characters...!) and I appreciate all of your opinions. Even any negative ones, if you don't like something, can be really constructive! ;)