Chapter XX

"We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future." ~ George Bernard Shaw

"Hathaway's prints don't match any of the related murders. The gun we found in the building we arrested him is legal and clean.", Hotch informed JJ and Emily reading the text from his phone.

They had settled in a hotel in New York, to revise everything and get that operation on the road.

"The big question is the real reason he gave himself to us.", JJ said.

"JJ, you said something when we spot him in the video. You said that probably he was trying to communicate.", Emily started.

"He was. He left us all the clues to find him.", JJ confirmed.

"What if it wasn't just us that he was trying to send a message to?", Emily continued, "He knows information from a snitch. What if he was trying to communicate with that informer?

"Only Garcia and the security personnel saw that video.", JJ remarked.

"But being in Quantico makes Hathaway accessible to the informer.", Hotch followed Emily way of thought.

"Then since it's neither you, Paterson nor Easter, someone else has to appear.", JJ realised.

"I'll tell them to be extremely careful of who comes near Hathaway under any circumstances.", Hotch said, taking the phone out of his pocket again.

Emily kept her eyes on him as he left for the room beside, since the signal wasn't good. Hotch had been silent most of the time, since they left Quantico. He only talked about the case. But he was looking at Emily with that mute worry and deep care, that made Emily melt and feel guilty at the same time. That phone call was the only reason he left her side.

"I hate myself for what I'm putting him through all over again…", Emily confessed to JJ when the two women were left alone.

"Stay safe and he is going to be fine.", JJ rubbed her hand comfortingly, "It's the job. He knows it."

"Is it the job or am I not good for him?", Emily carried on in low voice, JJ's reassurance wasn't really helping.

"I hope you are not serious.", the blonde got surprised.

"We went down all this road. We dealt with it and now I am the one bringing it all back. No matter how many operations or cases finish, Lauren Reynolds is gonna be immortal. What we do stays with us. Ria is right in more ways than I admit to her."

"Emily, let me tell you something because I think that sometimes you get influenced by the wrong person. All of us we do extreme or even wrong things. But we grow out of them. We don't grow in them. Gloria… Anyway. She is different."

"What do you mean?", the other woman got curious, honestly JJ had never voiced a personal view about the British woman.

"I don't want to judge. You know her for a long time and she has stood by you during many things."

"It's OK. I want to know your opinion.", she encouraged her.

"Gloria is the 'ground worker' type, a spy by skill and choice, isn't she?"

"Is it obvious?"

"No, but given my State Department time, I can tell. She lets her guard down when she is with us and she shows all the signs. Emily, people like her choose to do what they do over and over again and it's not just for the job."

"JJ, the theory that undercover agents are undercover because they are comfortable in the dirt…", Emily got defended of the absent woman.

"They are not comfortable.", JJ stopped her calmly, "They still have a right-or-wrong compass. But their nature craves for the dirt and the rush. To an extent they are the characters they play. I'm guessing she was never able to live conventionally, even close to normal."

"That is certainly a no.", Emily smiled to the side with irony.

What was there to count? Gloria's long hidden and forgotten criminal record from when she was underaged, her argumentative behaviour, her complete opposition in doing things the politically correct way, even her driving at the border of the law? Her tendency back in the days to jump from one short-term relationship to another – and some of them couldn't even be called relationships – with shady men that never got to learn that she worked for law-enforcement? Still when she really fell in love, she didn't hold back thinking that he was still technically married, that he was her boss. No, Gloria Paterson was never the girl the next door.

"Gloria doesn't let go of what she has done undercover, just because she can't. She chose it multiple times while she could have walked away. She grows in and not out of the extreme things she does. It's her nature.", JJ carried on.

"I chose to be Lauren Reynolds…", she reasoned.

"Did you get fed on it?", JJ asked straightforward to prove her point.

"No."

"Then you are not her, Emily."

"Emily, I'm not proud of it, but I am not you."

"Do what you have to do. Deal with whatever is left from that past and bothers you. But don't throw away the best you have now, because you keep accusing yourself for a single choice. You, you can grow out of it. You can certainly move on. You have already done both of them, Em."

Emily nodded. JJ didn't often give advice, but when she did she was always to the point. Sometimes Emily thought that their team was lucky to have her around. JJ was able to face the matters straight and logically. Probably that was the reason she had managed to balance a healthy, personal life with the craziness of their job.

"Could ever be any chance for Ria? JJ, she is not well, not well at all...", Emily asked after a while thoughtfully.

"There is. The matter is for her to understand that she can have one.", the blonde replied softly.

Emily looked at her to be sure that she meant the answer. That surrendering tone of voice in her friend's voice a few hours ago still haunted her. She wasn't so sure that Gloria was able to even believe it anymore.

"To be honest, I was flirting with the same idea, Agent Hotchner.", Clyde replied after Hotch informed him and Rossi of their theory, "We have security outside the room we keep him and only me Agent Rossi or Chief Strauss are allowed to go in."

"Everything is under control here, Aaron. You focus on Emily for the moment.", David encouraged sympathetically.

"I will. Keep me posted.", Hotch said simply and ended the call.

"This is not easy on any of us, but for Aaron is gonna be too hard.", Rossi mentioned.

He looked through the blinds of his office towards the almost empty bullpen. Morgan and Reid were going through a bunch of files of attacks in law enforcement buildings to see if the two attacks matched any geographical profile of old ones. At least there was a chance it could help them prevent another hit. Blake was researching the code 'Blue Rock' from the message. It could be useful for Emily's cover. But one person was nowhere to be found. A bad feeling tingled Rossi for short.

"Where's Gloria?"

"She asked me for a break. For three days in a row she has slept less than six hours in total. Plus the jetlag I don't think that in London she was able to sleep either.", Easter answered.

"She has trouble sleeping for even longer.", Dave murmured, making the other agent to speculate again about how Rossi did know that and how he had learnt to deal with it.

However, the truth was much simpler than Easter's imagination.

Last Christmas, when Gloria came with Emily to DC, after Hotch's place, David invited Gloria to his house. He didn't want her to pass Christmas alone in a hotel room. They drove past the hotel and she got a couple of things. They settled on his sofa. He lighted his cigar, she lighted her cigarette. They had a few more drinks and chatted.

She had said him a few dark things during that phone call a month ago. It was Christmas, though, and he didn't want her to reopen wounds. So he narrated funny stories from the BAU and his writer's career of the recent years they hadn't seen each other. He was content that he made her laugh.

"I'm so happy to see you again after so much, David…", she said in low voice after a short pause.

Probably it was the alcohol talking, since she had never shared feelings when they were the two of them, even simple ones. There, slightly curled up on his sofa in that flowery dress, she looked fragile. She looked again like the very first time they were... Rossi shook his head. He had just dealt with a jeallous woman, questions and even more investigative glances. Gloria was coming to live n DC. Some things between them had to be kept at bay. But that didn't stop him of putting his arms around her as she returned the move.

"Me, too.", he replied in her hair.

Probalby it was his own happines of seeing her that didn't stop him. He was more than happy. He was relieved. He needed to see her in order to delete that photo in the UnSub's house, in order to make sure that the pain and the blood he had seen init belonged to the past.

Probalby it was that deep need to feel her, too.

They remained hugged for a while. Then he sensed her dozing off on his shoulder. None of them had any energy left anyway.

"We've waited long for Santa but it doesn't look like he is coming. I think it's time to go to bed.", he spoke and she pulled her head back.

"Now that you started putting up a tree again, he certainly visits you.", she winked sleepily towards the medium-size tree at the corner of the living room.

'Only if you did know…', he thought. The only sure thing, though, was that Santa did visit him that year.

"Merry Christmas, stella mia.", he whispered softly.

His eyes instinctively fell on her lips. He placed a kiss on her forehead instead.

It was around five in the morning and, even the tiredness, he hadn't fallen asleep, thinking about everything and nothing, when he heard small cries from his guest room where Gloria was sleeping and went to check on her. She was tossing and turning in her sleep. Whatever nightmare she was having was anxious and painful judging from the expression on her face. He was actually surprised that she didn't wake up to the slight noise of the door opening or to his steps rushing to the bed, bending by the side.

"Gloria... Wake up, ragazza (girl)...", he tried to coax her out of her sleep.

He didn't want to shake her because that would make her come out of the dream in a shock but his voice didn't seem to work. He tried to touch her and his fingers slipped accidentally in her palm. Unconsciously her own ones closed around them, squeezing them.

"It's just a dream. You are safe, stella mia. Shhh...", he tried again returning the hold and after a few moments she relaxed, "Everything is OK. I'm here.", he caressed her cheek lightly.

He stood up to leave her but he changed his mind. This was going to happen again. Without a second thought he lied in the space beside her and took her hand in his, holding it softly. She didn't wake up to anything. Probably his whisky was strong enough to knock her out. She shifted a couple of times again because of another bad dream coming, squeezing his hand again but instantly she calmed down. Dave smiled sadly. She had become like the kids wanting to hold a hand while they sleep to feel safe.

He didn't sleep at all. He just watched her caressing her hair and her face from time to time. But he left the bed before she woke up. He didn't want to make her uncomfortable by realising that her sleeping troubles had sent him to her assistance. At least that was what he told himself.

Then David was saying that he didn't know his position into all this story. Who was he trying to fool? He was simply fighting himself. And the very reason for that was Gloria and her best only. Any other reason around was never as important as her.

"Agent Rossi, I think I have to talk to you.", Easter started pulling him out of his thoughts.

Clyde had decided to finally speak. If he wanted to make a last effort to help that woman that he was left with and a promise unable to fulfil, he had to.

"About what?", Rossi let a breath.

Clyde opened his mouth but he was cut off by Blake storming into the office.

"We had another hit."

When Hotch returned from the call only Emily was in the room. JJ had found an excuse and had left them alone. When he looked at her, all that his mind registered was that Emily had already changed. She had changed to Lauren Reynolds, in a loose, high-waist, white trousers and a white shirt. Her hair, that had grown longer those months, were falling in curls on her shoulders. Those pictures they had seen in Doyle's pursuit had come to life.

"It's already time, I guess.", he said quietly, putting his hands in pockets and his eyes dropped to the floor.

Under different circumstances, some time ago, Emily would have thought that he despised the picture he was seeing. But the man in front of her had taken all of her, he took her knowing everything from the start. Even if she was struggling to accept some parts of hers, he had. Once he had told her that she was stronger than him. No, she wasn't. Even his love was stronger than her. She knew that he was just trying to keep his emotions under control. But he had that worried and devastated look on his face, the same one that she had seen a few times before and, even when she wasn't allowed to, all that Emily wanted was to give him a hug. But she didn't move.

"Aaron…", she muttered even if she didn't really know what to say.

He looked back to her. He saw her eyes apologetic and insecure. He was aware she was still Emily under that disguise, his Emily. He had just never imagined that he would see her like that in front of him again. It was a surprise in mix with the known, after so many years, feeling of worry for her wellbeing. But there was another concern in his mind, too. They had passed so much and she had passed even more to deal with Lauren Reynolds and everything related to her. Hotch was deeply scared that this new ordeal could just erase all their efforts, could send them straight back to the beginning. It wasn't that he didn't have the courage to help her or fight for her over and over again. He could do it as many times as he needed to. It was just, at some point, he wished for a life, a better life. They deserved it. She deserved it.

He approached her and his hands sneaked to her face, pushing her hair behind her ears.

"Emily, I love you."

"I'll be fine.", she replied, not returning the phrase.

Words weren't his advantage, but Hotch had to find them again. Even their deep, mutual understanding for a long time, sometimes Emily could be so stubborn that she had to actually listen to some things. He hadn't said 'I love you' to go back the fact that he couldn't handle anything happening to her for one more time. He had voiced the statement as a reminder to her. He could guess her insecurities. He could feel her already taking a few steps back from him.

"I love you.", he repeated, "Nothing can change that. Nothing. Do you understand this?"

She nodded. When he was looking at her so intensely, her heart was melting. That intense stare full of love was what had convinced her some months ago to come back to DC. But right then, with the past so vivid around, Emily didn't know if it could have the same power on her.

"We will fight this and we will end it. And after…" , he hesitated.

Probably it wasn't the best timing to say it. But she had to now, when she was about to dive into whatever unpleasant memories she had, in order for her to hold on, to hold on to him.

"Emily, I want to marry you. I want kids with you, if you want it too."

Emily's eye grew wide. She was standing there in front of him dressed as the darkest past of hers and was he talking about a future together? Family, kids? She got overwhelmed by every feeling known to human beings. Shock, love, happiness and then fear… She longed for that idea all her life, but always when the dream came true, it was scaring. She wouldn't be able to cope! She wouldn't be able to deal with it! She had to say something but she couldn't find any words, her mind unable to form a thought.

"I am not looking for an answer now. I just wanted you to know.", he soothed, recognizing the turmoil of her emotions.

Emily felt tears rising. No, there was no answer that moment. Her heart was into it. There was no doubt. But there was that prickling thought in her head, that thought who hadn't left her alone those days. And he didn't know about it.

She just connected her lips to his in a long kiss. She was sucking the air from him trying desperately to share that thorough acceptance he had for her, in order for her to manage to accept herself.

A slight knock on the door made them separate. JJ stepped in.

"They had another attack. They are at the scene. Rossi just called.", she announced.

"And I have to go.", Emily spoke finally.

"Be careful, OK?", JJ said giving her friend a hug.

"I will.", she answered and carried on to hug Aaron, "I love you, too.", she whispered in his ear and that time she reminded herself, as well.

The new hit was at one of the most central police stations of Washington. They opened fire the moment the police officers were taking in the people they arrested after a bust in a prostitution club. Fortunately, due to the extreme measures of security and luck, they had no victims. But that good situation probably wouldn't have a good continuation. Plus the media were in craziness talking about a police and an FBI unable to protect themselves, consequently completely incapable to protect the city.

"They failed. They will hit again soon and this time they will evolve. These people can start attacking public.", Morgan voiced what all were thinking, when they returned to the conference room.

"OK. Time is at the essence.", Rossi took the lead, "Morgan and Reid leave the past cases and see if we can form a geographical profile for this particular team, now that we have three hits. Garcia, check for any questionable stories around this police station. Blake, you and me should finally pay a visit to the former police officer working in Blackmore's security."

"Can someone explain to me where is Hathaway?", Clyde's voice came from the door.

"What are you saying, Easter?", Rossi asked, sure that they had another surprise brought on the table.

"Hathaway is not downstairs. The last time I checked he was in the interrogation room. Now he is not!"

"He can't escape from here. It's impossible.", Alex remarked, obviously trying to reason what the British agent was implying.

"The security outside his room is gone and nobody on the whole floor seems to know where he is."

"We must lock down the building in case he is still here. Garcia, check the cameras." Rossi instructed.

But he noticed Garcia holding back of following the order. David didn't know why but suddenly that bad feeling he had the moment he couldn't see Gloria around just grew stronger.

"Garcia.", he repeated strictly.

Penelope startled biting her lip. It would have been too much to break hard news for a second time in less than twelve hours and to be honest she was a bit scared of Rossi's reactions. Thankfully she got saved.

"We are very much aware of Hathaway's whereabouts. He is with an agent.", Strauss spoke, appearing into the room.

"Where? Which agent?", Easter pressed.

What he was thinking wasn't happening, was it?

"I authorised another side undercover operation, liaising an external agent.", Strauss explained.

"Who?", Derek asked confused.

"Gloria…", Rossi spoke, realisation hitting him and he felt his blood starting to boil.

"And nobody was notified?", Morgan asked again, not able to make sense out of all that.

"I was…", Garcia spoke hesitantly, "I turned off the camera of the floor and the stairs, so they could leave without setting the alarms."

"Following my orders.", Strauss covered for Penelope, "The truth is I was left with no other option."

"Paterson found the way to force you into this.", Clyde addressed to Strauss, his hands getting into fists by his sides.

He knew that she would find a particular way. The only way to have kept Gloria leashed would have been to literally tie her to chair. That woman always walking straight into the lion's den! What idea of hers was to stray with that man, pretty much aware of how suspicious he was? Obviously he could lead her to the snitch. But that could be her death sentence and only if she bought enough time alive for that!

"And did you really give permission to this so easily, Erin?!", David raised his voice probably more than the appropriate in an FBI room, "Did you even consider if Gloria is in position for something like this in the first place? What I'm saying? You didn't even stand to ask if you put a whole case in danger!"

"I had no other option, Dave.", Erin repeated firmly.

"You didn't or…", he started but Hotch rushed in, noticing the obvious disruption.

Thankfully he cut him off, because what David was about to say would have been too harsh and too unfair. But Rossi's mind was clouded due to anger and mainly panic.

However, Erin could guess what he was about to say. Rossi had the reputation of a man with coolness. It was so easy for him to accuse her and at the same time he was so shaken right then. If he was like this for that woman, what was he doing with Erin in the first place?

"What's going on?", Hotch asked.

"Gloria and Hathaway are on the wind with Erin's green light!", David filled him in rubbing his head nervously.

"How?", Hotch was taken aback, "Dave, calm down.", he said to his old friend concerned, he had never seen him like that.

Clyde shook his head and spoke again:

"Chief Strauss, you do realise that you just let one of the most dangerous women on the planet, personally involved in the case, loose with a man with unknown motives, connections and abilities."

"There are no dangerous women, but there are cautious men." ~ Joseph Krutch

Sorry to any of you, if any, who were probably expecting the dialogue between Strauss and Gloria, how she was planning to help the situation or Emily already undercover. I left you hanging! Hotch almost proposing is a big-big thing, I think! Still there is a hint on how Gloria has probably befriended Hathaway…

And a little bit of Rossi's confusion in the mix...! I was thinking the other day watching the latest episode that Rossi had a fair amount of special ladies in his life. Let's count: The lady from his home town, his first wife, Strauss and they came to add the second wife...! So to get the confusion he has in this story, let's imagine one of those ladies appearing at the same time he is with another. (By the way, I hope that this whole French family thing fallen out of the blue is not going to be used by the writers as a reason for Rossi to retire. Even though Joe Mantegna is 65-67 years old and if he decides to retire from TV, it's gonna be fair enough, but still... :( )

Anyway, I really liked writing this chapter! I hope you liked reading it…! You'll let me know, right? ;)