HAPPY NEW YEAR! (I know I promised at least one update before the change of the year, but unfortunately I had some problems. Sorry guys!)

Chapter XXI

"When I lose the reasons to live, I shall die." ~ Alija Ali Izetbegovic

"What? Can someone explain to us what is this woman?", Morgan asked unable to make sense of what was being said.

"Professional spy and not an average one. I think this says it all.", Clyde replied.

"On an operator basis to be exact. You should have informed me about it, before you brought an agent of this status in an FBI case.", Erin spoke firmly.

"I didn't bring it personally and Paterson is in transition. Prentiss didn't need to inform you.", he answered in the same tone as her.

"But while you were trying to offer her to the FBI, didn't you think that I had to know that this woman currenlty belongs to no agency on Earth?"

"I told you she is the best but she wasn't active. She can't be active!", Clyde was the one getting angry now.

Yes, he had tried to influence her name to strategic position, without telling her as well, because he didn't want to seem to her like he was helping her out. He just didn't like the shifty environment in Interpol. But it was a desk post. He didn't need to inform them about her injury. That could only lead to questions.

"Offering her to the FBI?", Hotch became the one confused.

They had talked about a snitch hours ago. Clyde had tried to move Gloria before that case had even started. Was it relevant? What kind of information had this guy been sitting on again?

"Could you leave your bureaucracy out and tell us how and why Gloria and Hathaway are gone?", Rossi got unnerved.

"My guess is that she appeared as sent from the informer that Hathaway was trying to communicate with. Right?", Clyde replied for one more time and Strauss nodded.

He had worked with that woman for long enough time to know very well how she operated and that she had put the pieces together herself. Damn it. Sometimes she was too good for her own good.

"From the snitch that she doesn't know but he does? Hathaway can get the deception in minutes!", Rossi realised getting more and more worried.

Easter threw a look at the older man's distressed face. Poor guy, if Easter had found the chance to tell him what he had planned to, he would be having a heart attack by now.

"The fact that he followed her meant that it worked.", the British agent tried to reassure him.

"That or he escaped because he realised that we are onto his game!", David wasn't convinced.

"That was completely reckless.", Hotch concluded, looking at Strauss with disappointment.

"Adding her condition on top of that.", David murmured nervously.

However, Strauss was already aware of the the spy's physical problem. As Erin knew she was a spy way before she appeared in the BAU a couple of days ago, Gloria's too much hurting after the explosion had made her to have a deeper look into Easter's recommendation. As expected, Paterson didn't tell her when she marched in her office making the offer for the sake of the FBI, because ' they didn't want Interpol to take all the credit'. Erin wanted to just stop her, though, till she sensed that whatever the British agent's reason was, it was strong enough for her to throw her whole career in the trashcan and not care. Of course, a woman like her knew about self perservation. So Strauss agreed both for her sake of the FBI - actually Paterson knew far more about politics than she looked like - and for the agent's sake.

"Since I knew, my only way to stop her was to arrest her. But from the fact that she did ask for assistance and my judgement, I can say that she knows what she is doing. And she has means to communicate with us and the car has a tracker. I would never allow a suicidal mission, like some of you are implying. Trust me and trust her.", she replied firmly and her eyes finally dag at Rossi.

Rossi avoided her stare. He knew that she had understood what he had almost said before and it was low, too low.

Easter on the other hand wanted to believe Strauss. But he couldn't be sure of the woman's judgement. At the end of the day, Erin wouldn't have been the first to buy an appearance from Gloria. Some of the greatest masterminds in crime had bought it long before her. Eventually, it was all his fault. For a second time, he had contributed in letting Gloria walk straight into hell. Why had he never opened his mouth? Sometimes he thought that he had spent too much time trying to save her career while her career was the problem. But how could he have imagined that could happen again, that Gloria would force it to go undercover again? Sometimes he still thought that she was more considerate and normal than she really was. Who was he fooling, though? Like he didn't know her, like being aware of her condition, both physical and emotional, would have stopped her after everything that had unravelled those days. Like she hadn't provoked her fate before... And that last time couldn't even be called 'provoking'… 'I'm so sorry, mate, and the truth is that I don't even qualify to any forgiveness…' Nice, now he was talking with ghosts.

"Should Emily know?", Garcia tried to ask.

Her raising the alarm to the British woman about the possible Emily's pregnancy was what had sent her to that risky mission. Penelope could have never guessed that she could go to that extreme. She shouldn't talk now, even if she was never good with lies and hiding. It was only going to create more tension and honestly, they didn't need it. She knew that Gloria wanted to keep Emily safe. She would do whatever needed to achieve it and that included staying alive.

"Gloria is going to find her by herself and stay around far enough not to raise suspicion. The other agent should not be alerted. It can put both at risk.", Clyde filled them in the normal procedure, "But normally the agents don't know each other.", he added.

"Emily knows how to react if they come across each other. And… I don't think that she needs the distraction.", Hotch decided, "I'll let JJ know, though. Garcia, monitor the streams of communication and the tracker of the car 24/7. The rest if you carry on with what you do. Time is at the essence. Clyde, you have to fill me in the ways Paterson operates.", he finished and motioned towards his office.

Everybody nodded.

"David, I need to talk to you.", Erin spoke again as they were about to leave the room.

He folded his hands and silently let the others go.

"I have already one agent involved in this case, matter I don't like, but I know that Aaron is in position to face the situation. But I can't deal with two agents involved.", she carried on in that usual, authoritative and cold tone she used on the job, "And everything shows I have two."

Dave felt guilty for his previous words. Erin was one of those professional women who used to hold that stern appearance in order to be able to show authority and manage all those different people she had to. But with him she used to be different, those last few months. 'With him'… That was a whole different story.

"I am not one of your wives. You don't need to make up any explanation. You are never going to change, Dave. The FBI put fraternisation rules to keep you leashed and you started inter-agencies affairs.", she kept the same voice, without letting him open his mouth, "So are you able to handle this? Or are too distracted by that woman's looks and 'charms'?"

The guilty feeling of his was quickly overpowered by irritation, irritation because she had made his concern for the British spy sound cheap. Whatever he had with her didn't give her the right to judge his life or his relations. For sure, she didn't have the right to judge Gloria. His connection with that younger woman may looked carnal, it may even felt like it. But it wasn't. It wasn't just that.

"You could have asked without hiding behind the job, Erin.", he replied firmly.

"I am expecting an answer.", she ignored him.

"I am perfectly fine to handle it.", and he turned to leave.

He was behaving like a jerk to Erin. But he was just too stressed and too angry.

Erin on the other hand was disappointed. She had thought that for a moment he would consider her, even what he had said, he would eventually try to justify something, anything. But just the hint of her judging the other woman was enough to turn him aggressive.

"I meant what I said.", she spoke softer, "I know that you and Easter are thinking that she fooled me. But she was stable and decisive. I can tell beyond her skills. Believe me, I would have stopped her, if I had sensed she was too distraught to pull it through. I am convinced that she has a very strong reason to keep herself focused and alive."

Rossi stopped on his tracks and hang his head. The guilty feeling came back. After all that she was still trying to reassure him and calm down his worry. Erin's voice back in her human tone just reminded him that, unlikely to what many people thought, Erin Strauss was a good woman with a big heart, simple words but with the purest meaning.

For many years Strauss and Rossi didn't get along with each other. She was always establishing rules and he was always ignoring them. Additionally, just to be honest, her cold attitude was a characteristic he despised on women.

There came the day, though, when Hotch told him that her strange absence was due to her being in a rehabilitation clinic for alcoholism. Probably David had an understanding for people with addictive habits, due to his upbringing. Probably he felt guilty for always being so sharp with her. So he visited her once. Then he understood that there was a whole different side to the woman that most of the department used to dislike: the side of a woman trying to be the perfect Chief, the perfect agent, the perfect mother, the perfect wife and she had gotten tired of keeping up with the perfectness, having failed in more than one role. And then they started to talk. There was always this mutual understanding between people that had succeeded in much and at the same time had failed in more.

"I hope so.", he murmured rubbing his forehead.

"What's your relationship with Paterson, David? I know it's not the time. But… Are you with her?", she finally asked.

Yes, it wasn't the time, but they had to have that conversation at some point. Among all, his indecisiveness and his confusion had dragged her in a situation she didn't deserve.

"I am not and never was in a relationship with Gloria.", he answered calmly.

"I am prepared to listen to everything but, please, don't lie to me."

"She was at the other side of the world till two months ago. It wasn't possible.", he turned to face her.

'But you wish it was.', Erin wanted to say but she didn't for the time being.

"She is not some kind of protégée of yours. The way you look at her is not paternal at all.", she said instead.

"No."

"What is she? An over-Atlantic one-night-stand? She doesn't look like a woman that would have gotten so attached over something so simple."

"She wasn't that, either. It's complicated.", he said more firmly, again annoyed with what she was implying about Gloria.

"Then what's the relation, David?", Erin started, jealous and unnerved by his overprotective ways for the other woman.

That talking between him and Erin had evolved in friendship and the friendship in something more. They couldn't say that it was falling in love. At their age, after broken marriages and relationships, after her fighting with addiction, it was hard to fall in love. It was that type of good and sincere company that they had, appreciating each other, caring for each other but not being blind by love for each other. That didn't mean that she wasn't in that story. But he had left her out. He still did, not giving explanations that he indeed owed. She was about to create a scene. But she had to express her feelings. She couldn't suppress her reactions for one more time in her life. She used to do it and she was driven to the bottom of a bottle. She wouldn't do it again.

Rossi didn't answer. There wasn't a word to describe it.

"You say that I am logical. So let's put it logically. You say you weren't in a relationship with her. You have obviously slept with her. Then what is it? Some nights with some working up to them?"

"You have a way to put it logically.", he replied raising his eyebrows.

People could get really mislead by appearances, he thought. Only if Erin only knew what that 'working up to them' meant. But she couldn't realise it. Because, sometimes Erin was completely oblivious in seeing the other side of the coin. She was prejudiced, too, by her own experience with her husband. She could only see a woman with 'flexible' ethics and a womaniser. She couldn't see a woman who had once and apparently still closed herself off from others. She couldn't see a man that had once lost himself. No, Erin couldn't understand the effect that 'relation' had on him.

"Don't you think that at least I have the right to know?", she raised her voice.

"What has to do with my…"

"With your life and you? It is always about yourself, David! I found you glued to each other in the parking lot! She rushed out of your office after who knows what happened! Actually who knows what's been happening since she came here! Sorry, David, but this is not only about you!"

"Erin, I didn't want the things to come to this! I tried!", David raised his own in desperation.

"But not enough! Or you weren't left enough space to try anyway!", she burst.

However, that last was prejudiced and she knew it.

"Blame me and put it on me! Gloria has nothing to do with it! I was the one unable to keep distances while I should and she was the one resisting!", he burst, too, and shocked himself.

Had he really said that out loud? That was the truth, though. That was, also, why he was so confused with the whole situation. He didn't even know if they were friends with Gloria or whatever. On the one hand, he cared for her emotional condition and at the same time he couldn't physically restrain himself. On the other hand, she was only reacting when he was trying and sometimes she was reacting by pulling back. He was the one encouraging her. He was the one starting any contact. And she was just giving him hot and cold signs, she was leaning to him but she wasn't pursuing him or following up in any way – the incident in his office was not to count, she was desperate. To be honest it had been like this since the moment he first met her. He was the one persisting, she was the difficult one. If he had been able to draw a line, like he should, she would have never crossed it. At the very end Gloria was just too confused.

Erin shook her head. She had expected to have her heart broken, it was already. But it was always easier to blame the third person in these cases. That admittance of his though was just too blunt. Not only he was unable to stay loyal, he was chasing someone who wasn't even responding. Erin realised that she had lost that game a long time ago, actually it was never hers, at all.

Dave saw her eyes saddening.

"I'm sorry, Erin. I thought I could but I can't…"

"You can't control it. You can't even explain what you have with her. You should have known what this means, David.", she said more steadily.

He didn't speak and Erin was sure that he had never admitted to himself 'what that meant'. In their own story, they had thought that falling in love wasn't possible at that time of their lives. Falling in love meant passion, meant uncontrolled feelings and actions, meant blindness, meant doing things just for the other person's wellbeing. Falling in love was what young people do. As they grow older, they overanalyse, people think too much. But it does happen to them, even if they don't even recognise it.

Falling in love just hadn't happened to them. Probably just because the space in David's heart was already taken. Erin knew what Dave had thought before. But she had seen the other side of the coin. At least she could guess it.

"Before Paterson left this office, she said that it's better to go for the unfinished business before it comes. Unfinished business is inevitable."

Rossi looked back at her, surprised.

"What time is your flight tomorrow?"

He heard her voice, as he came out of the bathroom with two glasses of water in his hand, checking the heating. It was minus 6 outside, the British version of late winter apparently. The temperature on the screen was normal. The room just felt too hot. She sat up in the bed of the hotel room. The sheet, which was competing with her skin in whiteness, fell, revealing almost completely the curves of her chest but she didn't really bother to pick it up.

He had already seen it all. He had kissed every single inch of that body. It was still tempting.

"Three o'clock in the afternoon.", he replied siting on her side of the bed, offering her one glass.

"So back to your next book.", she said, after taking a couple of gulps and placing it on the nightstand.

"That's what my life revolves around for the last years.", he said simply.

"And around art galleries, cigars, hunting, expensive hotels and… women.", she smiled to the side.

"It's not like that.", he denied, leaving his own glass.

It was true, though. He had done a lot in his life: profiling, research, started the BAU, books, high-profile consultations. Finally the Italian boy from Long Island had made a name of himself. Once he wanted to take over the world and he had achieved it. But at some point he discovered that the whole world was not enough. To be exact, the world wasn't enough when, in order to take it over, he hurt people in the process, he made sacrifices for the sake of his ego and success. So he had dropped in some kind of vanity, in the vanity of luxuries and flings that an enlarged income could bring.

"It's not 'exactly' like that, stella mia.", his fingers went to her chin.

It was true, but not at that very moment. He wasn't there for another vain adventure with another woman.

He crossed the gap between their lips. Maybe he kissed her to persuade her. Maybe he kissed her to shush himself before he made his coming departure stranger. Her hands went to his neck, the sheet fell more and their chests touched. His arm slipped around her, marvelling the way her skin was getting instantly warmer under his fingertips.

"You didn't change the way we think of criminals to achieve 'that'.", she stated when their mouths separated.

"I didn't do it just to save the world.", he admitted.

"Whoever says that they do it just for that is lying. Sometimes we do what we do just to get to somewhere, instead of getting to nowhere. I mean…"

"I know what you mean. I was an Italian kid in Long Island hanging around with mafia guys. If I hadn't changed direction, I would have been to nowhere, prison or ground to be exact.", he smiled to the side.

"That would have made two of us.", she raised an eyebrow, "Even if I can't say that I changed that much.", she murmured and her eyes darkened and dropped.

He observed her for one more time. He was pretty much aware that whatever 'researching, mainly desk job' that she had said she was doing was a big lie. He had never missed her tendency to value some of her answers the first night. She was too hyperaware of her surroundings even for an agent in the field, as well. Under the black rose tattoo on her hip there was an at least five year old bullet scar. Taking in consideration that Interpol didn't have that many field agents anyway, due to the nature of the agency, it wasn't that hard to speculate that 'what she did' was rather complicated. She was opening up a bit and that was why she was saying some vague things, but only because she trusted him to be discrete.

"But sometimes doing what we do doesn't really work out to our favour.", he commented simply.

"Still there is a meaning.", she let a breath, "We still make something good of ourselves, don't we?"

She looked back at him. At that moment, the reason that had brought him to that bed, the reason that had made him stick around her and persisted was right in front of him.

When he was at her age, his self-centred ways had already taken action. He was pushing and pushing his limits not just to make something good of himself anymore, but to exceed everyone's expectations, to prove himself the best, making 'what he did' not work out to his favour, leaving him with regrets, anger and loneliness, making him run away and hide in vanity.

But those green eyes were clear and honest. They were the eyes of fighter that didn't fight for any ambition, any ego. The shadow in her look, the scar, the cross hanging between her breasts, her initial reservation indicated that it hadn't worked out to her favour, as well, and the most probable thing was that none of it was her own fault. But she still kept fighting, she still kept trying. And that woman would have never given herself to the vain part of his, the rich player looking for love adventure on the English grounds. With all the weight she was carrying on her shoulders, instinctively or not, she wouldn't. She didn't just need someone to treat her like a lady, even though that's what he would like to say in the future. She had let his other part in, the old, forgotten one. She had sensed the caring man who hated jumping from affair to affair because he had screwed every real love of his life, the man who had started once by trying to do good and save people. Right there, in those eyes, David Rossi could see a lovable, strong woman and at the same time the best of him.

"With 'that peace of mind' of yours, with 'those other things', you are just running away from unfinished business, aren't you?", she carried on, "Go for it before it comes to you. Unfinished business is inevitable, you know."

His thump rubbed her lips kindly without answering. He had unfinished business and it wasn't only those kids that he hadn't found their parents' murderer. He had the unfinished business of doing things the right way, of not focusing on taking over the world but on the world itself, focusing on himself as human being and not as a legend.

"You didn't say you are a profiler.", he said instead.

"I didn't say a lot of things, David."

It was her turn to initiate the kiss. Maybe that time she kissed him to shush herself. Maybe she kissed him to apologise for the things she couldn't or didn't want to say. He didn't mind. All that he needed to know, he had already witnessed it in the purest way. He pushed her gently back on the bed, finally pulling the rest of that sheet away.

That same year, Rossi came back to the BAU, never admitting out loud that he had made that decision over a soft body that blushed and trembled. A woman who hadn't said much had taken him out of his vanity. It didn't matter what exactly she was, what had caused that shadow in her eyes. Perhaps she didn't always do the right thing, but she always did it for the right reason. And that's what his existence needed again, a compass to the right reason.

He had never said that part to a soul but he had said that exact phrase to Erin when she had asked a few months ago about his return to the BAU. It wasn't the so big saying but she could make a connection.

Erin smiled ironically. His face showed everything.

"Do you even know why you are not already with her?"

There was no answer and that was expected.

"David, for the very first time, when it comes to a woman, and you don't think of yourself, your ego and your complete inability to keep your hands to yourself. You are not sure if you are good for her. You put her before everything."

"I…", he started but she cut him off.

"Don't say again that you didn't want the things to come to this. I just should have known that a woman was the reason for everything, even for you having stopped your skirt chase, a woman you wanted by you, but 'it wasn't possible'.", she said referring to his previous words, at least then she would have invested far less into this whole story of theirs.

"I'm so sorry…", he murmured.

"You should have told me, David and I can't say if I'm able to forgive you."

Dave looked at her with worry. Erin wasn't more into their relationship than he was. The loneliness and the need to turn to a person had brought them together. But Erin was the one that was about to be left behind.

After that woman in London, he had stopped his flings. The two-three times he saw Gloria again the next six years were enough. Probably he had stayed loyal to a memory. Probably he had understood the meaninglessness of his 'love adventures'. When Caroline reappeared, he thought that he may have had another chance. But she hadn't come back for that, she had come back to die making him to think about his own mortality. With the developing understanding with Erin, he thought that he could at least not be alone. But that woman reappeared, hurt and confused and his concern camouflaged his feelings. He tried to keep balances while he was fighting a war that he couldn't win. And it was all his fault. Keeping balances had really hurt both women. Gloria was beating herself up for reacting desperately to something he had encouraged. Erin was betrayed.

"Erin, are you…?", he tried but she stopped him for one more time.

"Going to be OK? Of course. I'm not that young to cry over losing you. I can accept that I just came late."

He turned to leave. There was nothing else to say. Erin had said it all for him and even more. Before his hand went to the knob she spoke again.

"You didn't tell me. At least tell her. Probably that's all a woman like her needs."

As the door closed behind him, Erin sat at her desk and stared at her papers. She had meant it when she said that she was going to be OK. She always knew that being with David Rossi was a bad idea. He had the reputation of a Casanova. But the truth was that he was never good with women's feelings.

When David stepped in the corridor, he wondered what to even tell Gloria. That he had changed his life around after her and never admitted it? That he hurt Erin and she came to realise his feelings first while he was in denial? That he did love her but he couldn't offer her anything more than his old self? 'If she comes back', a voice rang in his head bringing back his worries. His mind went to that same thought he had made back then.

Perhaps she didn't always do the right thing but always did it for the right reason.

He had to remember that at that very moment. He had to be convinced that that same woman had gotten into this situation for a right reason. That was all he could ask for the time being.

The morning following the night Richard was looking into the shadows of Paradise Demons, a phone call woke him up at six in the morning. He went to the living room to answer it and she couldn't listen to the conversation. When it looked like he had finished, she followed him, finding him staring intensely at the floor.

"Richard, what's up?"

"Never show them everything. They will never forgive you. I say it. I broke it.", he murmured angrily.

She walked towards him but she didn't reach him. She lost her step. She hadn't stumbled on anything. She was sure. It was like she had lost her balance for a moment. He was by her side immediately, holding her up. The anger was replaced with worry.

"Richard, what's going on?", she insisted weakly, her mind was also blurry.

"You should not know. Trust me. No, not now...", he whispered, kissing her temple.

"What are you thinking?", Hathaway asked in an investigative way the redhead driver of the car.

"That I don't like riddles.", she replied firmly.

"Strange in our line of work.", he commented with meaning.

"I said I don't like them. Not that I don't solve them.", she threw him a look, pressing the gas pedal more, and her eyes turned back on the road.

Gloria knew he hadn't bought it all. It was hard to fool your own mirror. At least he was aware that she was his reflection, too. He knew that she could lie as much he could, that she had to lose as little as himself. She could pull it through. She would. She had to.

Once a man kept a secret to protect a woman for a very particular reason. Now she was the one diving in the same secret to protect another woman for the same reason. Sometimes the circle of life could take the strangest of forms.

"It's the Circle of Life and it moves us all through despair and hope, through faith and love. Till we find our place on the path unwinding." ~ lyrics by Tim Rice, The Lion King, 1994

I know first chapter of the year and there is no Emily. But I owed to you a little bit of Rossi/Strauss and Rossi/Gloria. I gave a big-big hint (there were a few previously) why Gloria started moving the whole world once she learnt about the possibility of Emily's pregnancy, too. It is sad, though… (If you like to take a guess, you are more than welcome.)

Spoiler: Hathaway will need some kind of convincing.

Next chapter will be with the girls undercover! Stay tuned!

And don't forget to let me know your thoughts! To be honest I felt a bit rusty writing this chapter with all these emotions, so I would really appreciate it if you let me know how it felt!

And: HAPPY 2015!