Chapter 5: Infringement

"Breach, n.

I didn't want to know who he was, or what you did, or that it didn't mean anything".

David Levithan, The Lover's Dictionary, p. 38, Picador

The plane started to ascend, Lexa hated flying alone, her insides started to jerk and she felt her knees go week. Usually, as the plane goes up in altitude, Lexa would close her eyes and Costia would hold her hand firmly, constantly assuring her that everything is going to be fine. But Lexa was alone now and all she could do was to tighten her grip on the armrests of the aircraft seat and wish that this feeling would be all over soon. Lexa disliked take-offs as much as landings or any change of altitude in general.

Three months ago…

"I don't want to know his name."

"Their names." Costia corrected in a low muffled voice.

Lexa held on tight to the dining table, her fingers digging deep almost scraping the edges of the mahogany top. I saw this coming and I turned a blind eye. Lexa scolded herself internally, she never realized that a delightfully planned evening would have a tragic turn.

Lexa and Costia went out to attend Titus' opening gala in his new art gallery. As a travel writer and photographer, Lexa saw this as a networking event as well. The evening commenced with Costia by her side, they maneuvered around greeting old and new friends, chatting with some artists and commending Titus for his new space. But then after a few wine glasses in, Costia disappeared somewhere and Lexa was caught up being schmoozed by some local chef for a magazine feature. Lexa wanted to blame the chef that she was talking to for being shorter than her because just right above his head, in Lexa's direct view was Costia seemingly absorbed in a flirtatious exchange. No sound can be heard from the distance; Lexa has managed to drone out the music and the continuous monologue of her apparently oblivious companion. The scene before her revealed a giggling Costia and a dapper fellow with a structured hairstyle whispering something too close to Costia's face and his right hand wandering to her waist. Lexa breezed towards the couple's direction and she was met by a mortified expression from Costia.

"Excuse me, but I believe we need to step out for a second" was all Lexa should manage as she grabbed Costia's arm.

"And who are you? Can't you see we're in the middle of something…" The insensitive fellow responded, annoyed with the sudden interruption.

"Her girlfriend" Lexa barked, aggressively pulling Costia towards the nearest exit. She didn't bother to apologize or to look back because she knew what philandering looked like. Being with Costia for over 5 years, she was resentful not to point out the latter's unrelenting flirting with strangers.

Then just like a broken dam, their relationship ruptured that very evening. Lexa could not exactly recall all the upheaval at the parking lot. Both of them poured out their emotions; Lexa's jealousy and Costia's admittance of her infidelity. Lexa wanted to drive away but instead she motioned Costia to get in the car so that they can privately finish their debacle at home, too conscious to cause a scene at Titus' event.

Costia was supposed to be the love of her life. Yet, there she was, now settled on the living room couch still in her black dress with her back against Lexa, resting her forehead on her knees, arched in fetal position. She turned to look at Lexa in the eye- hazel brown meets emerald green. Costia's eyes were remorseful while Lexa's was full of contempt.

"Do you really want to know, Lexa?" Though guilt-ridden, Costia was always headstrong, too proud to back down from anything, hence, her tone.

"Yes" was all Lexa could answer.

"Okay then, so, when you were in Amsterdam, I hooked up with Echo. Remember her, my ex from college? She was here for a business trip and she invited me to dinner. Then, a few months ago, when you went to London, I went out with Ontari and the girls, that's when I saw her brother, Roan again. Remember him? He always had the hots for me since high school. Apparently, we ended up drunk in a hotel room. Then, the guy you screamed at earlier, his name was Derrick, I went out with him last week because I thought that he was outside our social circle…" Costia was on a roll now, her voice getting louder as she spoke.

"Enough!" Lexa pounded her fist on the dining table. "Why?" Her face was now etched with frustration and loathing, a single tear dropped from the corner of her eye.

"Why? You ask me why, Lexa? Don't you know me? Haven't I told you before? Remember, when you asked me to be your girlfriend, I asked you if you were sure but you insisted…" Costia was irate now rather than apologetic.

"I believed in what we have…" Lexa started to cry, her voice filled with dejection.

"What we had?! Lexa, what we had was a relationship based on sex. I thought you were up to being a one night stand. You were supposed to be a new adventure and a smart and sensitive conquest at most. But guess what, a night turned into a week, a week into a month, a month into years. You perfectly knew me before you asked to be my girlfriend after a month. You were up for a U-haul despite my inconsistencies. But guess what, I gave it a chance, I tried it for you. But I couldn't contain myself to tell you bluntly. You were all of the sudden turning into an adult; you were so worried about paying bills, your career and our future. You plotted out everything in your head, setting up a succulent garden, getting a cat and even listing down cute wedding songs. While I was there at the corner, deteriorating, forgetting about my own plans, desperately trying to settle down with you. Doing the same things day in and day out, meeting the same people, revolving around the same social circles. You knew this was coming, yet you turned a blind eye even if I was hooking up with some guys after a year. Even in sex, you insisted to do whatever I wanted even if you felt uncomfortable. All of this for what?! To compensate, to make sure that all the things run smoothly as planned. So, that I would stay contented by your side? I learned to live with your silence, your subtle bouts of jealousy and your concealed anger. I kept on confronting you with my infidelity and thank the gods that you finally gave in tonight!" Costia snapped.

"What else do you want from me?" Lexa probed in a weak trembling voice.

"You really don't get it, do you? Nothing more, Lexa. No More. Don't you see? I already am a monster, feeding off your misery. Torturing you…until you let me go. I am not as passionate as you, I do not believe in whirlwind romances and settling down. I get bored easily, I am not a romantic, I don't want to be sadistic…I am still confused. I need to explore, Lexa, I'm not really sure if this is what I want. I need to get out there and learn more about myself while I'm still young. It's too early to settle, stop turning me into a dream and venerating me on a pedestal, I am not some church relic. I am broken and I need to mend on my own but I am not as fragile as you think either. I am just so tired of this; everyone thinks I'm delicate. But guess what, I am a wreck and I don't need setting up, especially not from you" Costia explained.

Lexa was silent, she had felt Costia's rejection for months now, but she has never said a word; she was in denial. Costia refused to kiss her in public at times, Costia pursued her own evening plans for several occasions, and sometimes, Costia claimed that she was too tired for sex. Lexa's world was crumbling; she was too afraid to confront her because Costia's pronouncements were true. This can't be happening. If signs were not so obvious, Costia was applying to several graduate schools abroad early this year. Costia belonged to a wealthy family of realtors and lived off her parents continued financial support. Lexa was turning into another conquest, the only problem was, she held on to Costia for so long, she didn't know how else to function when she left.

"I'm taking up father's offer; I'm leaving for Helsinki in two weeks. I received my acceptance letter for graduate school at Aalto University last week. I suppose, a new environment might be good for me. I am so sorry, Lexa but you need to let me go. Can't you see, I have done so much damage already? I can't hurt you any longer" After pacing around, Lexa was now contained on the couch with Costia hunched in front of her, both were crying now.

"When are you leaving, exactly?" Lexa conceded now; her voice soft and mellow, she has never felt so tired in her entire life. Costia's words hit her like a hurricane, destroying every single thing they built together.

"On Saturday by the end of the month but I'll be gone tomorrow."

The plane was already still, the "fasten your seat belt sign" went off, the aircraft was in equilibrium. Lexa shut her eyes to savor this peace, she should not be thinking about Costia again. This trip was about moving on from Costia and she should start working on that.

Author's Note:

This is going to be a bit of a slow burn, sorry for the angst. I planned more chapters to follow, please let me know what you think of this story. Thank you for reading!