Chapter 8. Amendment
"Anyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves. So, anyone who's in love gets sad when they think of their lover. It's like stepping back inside a room you have fond memories of, one you haven't seen in a long time."
Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore
As Clarke slowly opens her eyes, the soft warmth of the late afternoon sun slightly hits Clarke's face and it has painted her cheeks with delicate tinge of pink. She lifts her sunglasses to carefully sit up from her laying position at the hull of the boat. She has never felt this kind of warmth in years; the scent of her mother's casserole during family dinners, the comfort of her bedroom late in the afternoon when she does her homework, Murphy's gentle kiss on her forehead; this sensation has escaped her a long time ago. The coolness of the surroundings brought about by the shadows of the trees and the cliffs calms her being. The river and the forest seem to hum a symphony that only silence can amplify. The tourist huts along the watercourse appear abandoned in the afternoon with the exception of a few sightseers seated on wooden recliners basking under the sun enjoying a book or a cocktail. A clutter of kittens chase each other at the edge of the riverbank while their queen lazily lounges nearby. The sound of the water courses through her entire body as the boatwoman from behind chats inaudibly with another boatwoman from a nearby wooden boat. She observes that both boatwomen were reclined at the rear seats of the boats, their backs relaxed and their legs propped up as they used their feet to maneuver the wooden rows. The riverboats had no rudders or outriggers unlike other Southeast Asian fishing boats; these boats simply looked like canoes. Therefore, any drastic movement can cause the boat to shake or tip off balance, but they traversed the river slowly and leisurely.
"It's beautiful isn't it" Clarke softly utters as she turns around to gaze at Lexa. She realized that she was not only referring to the scene in front of her but also at something else. Lexa was peacefully seated at the center of the boat; she was sensibly taking in all the sights before them.
"Yeah, something like an ink brush landscape painting" Lexa was talking about the terrain of Tam Cốc. The general topography of Tam Cốc is was named after the three prominent caves in the area. The jagged limestone cliffs, the haphazard outlines of its vegetation, the random huts and the busy waterside all made up the usual elements of a landscape painting. The shallow parts of the riverbanks were turned into rice paddies, during harvest season, the rice stalks would turn into a golden shade of yellow which would give the scenery a different backdrop. Lexa took a few snapshots of the panorama in front of her and then of Clarke who looked ethereal as the sunset hits her wispy blonde locks.
"See something you like?" Clarke joked as she returned to her lounged position at the hull.
"Yeah" Lexa replied as she continued to busy herself with her camera pretending that she was taking more photographs of the landscape whereas, she was simply looking at an image of Clarke in the camera's LCD screen.
"The countryside is really charming don't you think" Clarke exclaimed as she and Lexa traversed a rocky trail around a small village where you can find ragged mountains and a vastness of rice paddies across the horizon. This area was just a few meters away from the Tam Cốc wharf. For the remainder of the day, they decided to rent some bicycles and relish the scenes nearby.
"Definitely, oh, can we stop here?" Lexa asked realizing that the sun was about to set.
Lexa and Clarke rested at a curb along the trail, several other bikers moved past them. Lexa went about the take a series of photographs capturing the sunset. Clarke remained near the bikes, quietly observing Lexa from afar.
"Lexa, I never did properly ask you. Is there any other reason why you're taking this sabbatical?" Clarke inquired from afar.
Lexa suddenly went still and proceeded to retreat towards Clarke.
"Well, realistically, I needed rest" Lexa paused for a while, contemplating on whether she would actually tell Clarke the real reason behind her sabbatical. "However…genuinely, I was broken-hearted" Lexa decided to keep some things vague.
"And how are you managing so far?" Lexa was surprised with Clarke's no-nonsense response.
"I'm working on the idea of being alone"
"So, I guess, I'm not really helping you, am I?"
"In a way you are."
"In what way? I remember pestering you that night at the theatre and then spontaneously tagging along this trip."
"Alone doesn't necessarily mean lonely, Clarke."
"I don't understand."
"When I was with someone, I never spoke my mind directly, I never said things at the right moment, I never really heard from myself really. All my decisions were based on what she thought, her preferences, her values; I was so keen in keeping up with her. I thought being in a relationship would mean that you are a single unit, that a united front was very important. I supported her in everything, I never reasoned, I just forced myself to understand. That's when I lost my individuality, so yeah, I'm working on being alone".
"Her?" Clarke emphasized.
"After everything I said that's all you absorbed?" Lexa realized that she suddenly outed herself to Clarke, there was no going back now. "Yes, her name was Costia."
There was a pregnant pause and Lexa feared that by divulging her sexuality, Clarke might have a new perspective on their budding friendship.
"You are very interesting Alexandria Woods" Clarke beamed.
Lexa took that as a positive response, well, vague but positive.
"So where is she now?" Clarke asked.
"In some university in Helsinki, her family's funding her graduate studies" Lexa replied as she retrieved her bicycle, motioning Clarke that it was getting dark and they needed to start heading back towards the bus station.
"So, she left you for a degree then?"
"Well, that and then she also cheated on me before she left". With that Lexa began to bike back, not really giving Clarke the chance to react to what she just shared.
"And he decides to meet us for dinner" Clarke declares as she fumbled with her phone on the bus ride from Ninh Binh to Hanoi.
Lexa originally thought of spending a few nights at the north of Vietnam but decided to take a day trip instead when Clarke tagged along. She felt like she couldn't spend a night alone with this stranger yet, yes, at this point she still considered Clarke as a stranger, an elusive one at that. So, she offered to accompany Clarke back to Hanoi before she heads out to Cambodia the following day. They are now currently, seated in a bus traveling back to Hanoi with Lexa occupying the window seat and Clarke seated near the aisle.
"Who's he?" Lexa is still in the dark when it comes to Clarke's traveling companion.
"Sorry, I did not mean to leave out this part but I'm just really pissed off right now and I wanted to forget about him for a while" Clarke explained. "You see, I did not really intend to go on this trip. I kinda decided to go with my boyfriend on a whim" Clarke continued.
"Boyfriend…" Finally, Clarke has actually confirmed who she was with. At some point, Lexa already knew this was coming, she first saw Clarke with some guy at the courtyard and at the eatery. Somehow, all her fantasies about a spur-of-the-moment meet-cute with the elusive Clarke Griffin has all gone down to the drain. Well, what do you expect Lexa, this is not some kind of a "Before Sunrise" rom-com where you suddenly convince the girl to wander happily ever after with you. Lexa also contemplated with the fact that most probably, having mentioned an ex-boyfriend and a current boyfriend, Clarke Griffin is most probably straight as a stick insect.
"His name's Bellamy, he's currently a bartender but I suppose he's really more of a musician. Well, he had these plans to go backpacking across Southeast Asia, I had nothing better to do back home so I went with him. But I don't know now, we are kind of in a break. We've been fighting about everything since we got here. He wanted to do certain things, I wanted to do different things. Maybe we should not have gotten together in the first place" Clarke continued to explain as she furiously typed a reply to Bellamy on her phone.
Lexa remained silent, quietly contemplating on her current predicament with Clarke. Her instincts would tell her to stick around and get to know Clarke more and realize that maybe this is in fact some romantic "how we met" story that they would tell their grandchildren one day. But reason tells her that she should not succumb into another problematic scene without even having to get over Costia in the first place.
"I'm sorry, I feel like I kinda ruined this short side trip for you" Clarke apologized, hiding her phone in her pocket and finally, slumping back to her seat.
Lexa continued to look outside the window, the landscape fading fast into blurry lines as the bus continues to travel. Then, she felt a warm touch on her shoulder, she gathered that Clarke was a tactile person. Despite being new acquaintances, she communicates with Lexa through touch.
"It's okay, I enjoyed your company. I just hope you get to sort things out with him soon" Lexa responded but she did not realize that as she diverted her gaze towards Clarke, Clarke has moved closer towards her and their faces were now but a few inches apart.
"You know what, I have this urge that I could tell you everything Lexa Woods. That somehow, at some point, in the shortness of the time that I got to know you, you will always be able to relate with my thoughts…my feelings" Clarke whispered.
"I wouldn't be sharing this bus ride with you if I haven't felt the same way" Lexa murmured.
Silence shrouded both women for some time, blue eyes profoundly submerged into green ones. Lexa reminded herself that connections with other people are not merely physical or logical, it can be spiritual as well. But this was not like her other friendships; talking to Clarke was not similar to talking to Titus or Anya. Of course, she would spend entire evenings drunk and alone with Titus on his couch, picking his brain or discussing sexual and emotional encounters at random. Or being seated at an almost empty coffee shop with Anya all afternoon, talking about politics and life's philosophical and romantic virtues. This was not anything like what she had with Costia either; yes, she was immersed into Costia's mind (and other parts of her body) for a certain period of time. But having Clarke seated beside her felt like she was in the right place, that she belonged there. She was having this out of body experience where she was staring back at her and Clarke's figures, seated in a bus, the moment unfolding before her.
"Lexa, will you join us for dinner?" Lexa realized that it was already the second time that Clarke asked the question. Momentarily, she was deeply absorbed in her trance.
"I suppose, I should meet him then" Lexa replied.
"Thank you" With that Clarke positioned her head on Lexa's shoulder and Lexa did not bother to move for the nest hour of their bus trip until they reached Hanoi.