Chapter 13: Crave

"Who are we, who is each one of us, if not a combination of experiences, information, books we have read, things imagined? Each life is an encyclopedia, a library, an inventory of objects, a series of styles, and everything can be constantly shuffled and reordered in every way conceivable."

Italo Calvino

The white walls are illuminated by the sunrise; that's the amazing thing with white walls, they are like a canvas, the tinge of light drafts various moods throughout the day. Various books and magazines are scattered across the laminated wooden floor boards of the loft level of a modern apartment in one of the posh areas at Bangkok. Outside the picture window you can see the bustling highway which is quite empty at this time of the day, on the opposite window squirrels case each other from tree to tree. The scent of freshly brewed coffee fills the loft;a sinewy female figure with dirty blond locks wrapped in a white blanket sits on an ergonomic chair holding a glass mug. She types on her slim laptop on top of a narrow wooden desk with several hard bounds piled up on one side and a messy-looking medium-sized corkboard filled with neon notes on the opposite end. The blond furrows her brows looking intently into the computer. She puts her mug on the desk and stretches her back, her covering falls to her lap revealing a naked torso and a full-sleeved tattooed right arm.

"Hey, have I told you that she's arriving today?" The blond mumbles to herself as she continues to type on her computer.

"Hmm hmm…what?" a muffled voice replies beneath a sea of blankets on top of a platform bed, the figure peeks through the fabric and proceeds to rub her eyes, revealing a brunette with tan skin. Beside the figure, blue almond shaped eyes with a gray triangular shaped head her peek through the blanket as well. With a soft purr, a slender Siamese cat frees himself from the obstructions, stretches his elongated body and walks toward the blond only to rub himself on one of her feet on the ground.

"And good morning to you too Mr. Bean!" the blond greets the feline with a soft rub on his neck.

"What did you say An?" the brunette asked as she proceeded to pick one of the scattered garments below the bed, deciding to put on a gray tank top.

"Have I told you, Lexa is arriving today?" Anya confirmed as she continued to browse through her email with the cat now seated on her lap.

"Yes, you've mentioned it a month ago but since you were quite mum about it after, I didn't realize that it was today" the brunette fumbled for her glasses at the bedside table. As she set her thick rimmed glasses on top of her nose bridge, she got up in a jolt and kicked the blankets off the bed.

"I just got her email and she'll probably get here in a few hours, we probably need to tidy up but you need to get to class soon" Anya stood up from her desk as the cat jumped on the floor and she somehow managed to turn the blanket into some sort of wrap around her frame. She approached the bed only to pick up the blankets after Raven and the articles of clothing around it.

"You'll be fine without me? You do remember how to set up the Murphy bed?"

"Yes ma'am but we'll probably need more than that, Lexa says she has company" Anya moved closer to the now confused Raven.

This somehow was a sort of the embodiment of their relationship- a put together Anya and then a muddled Raven. To pursue her post-graduate degree, Anya decided to take on a scholarship at Bangkok. In their trio, Titus was carefree, Lexa was calculated and let's say Anya was somewhere in between. Anya went out but never with too many people, Anya kept people close but never stuck to one, probably, not until Raven. In a city where a lot of her acquaintances spoke foreign languages, Anya navigated only among those with less cultural barriers. Meeting Raven was a bit coincidental; she got stood up so she went to her dating app once again and found Raven in the same bar where she was at.

Anya found out that Raven was simply back-packing around Southeast Asia at first; she wanted to take up Engineering for college but decided to travel for her gap year. On her travel, she met Suchin, her local guide. After weeks of travelling with Suchin across mainland Southeast Asia, Raven fell in love and took up a job as a language teacher to extend her stay. But little did she know that Suchin was not ready to be in a relationship. However, Raven did not only fall in love in Bangkok but she also fell for the city as well, the humid weather, the colors, the culture; growing up from one foster home to another, Raven craved for this freedom. So, she decided to keep her job and to stay in Bangkok for the time being, little did she know that she'll be stumbling upon Anya and now it has been a year since that night.

Raven though good-humored was fiercely loyal; on the other hand, Anya is thoughtful but non-committal. However, Raven was fine with this arrangement, they did not have an exclusive relationship but they always ended up in each other's beds at night. Though Raven spent most of her time at Anya's loft; she has managed to keep her small studio to have her own space for her books and gadgets. Anya suggested that they should not label their relationship; too afraid to lose Anya, Raven took anything she could grab and this arrangement has been going on for a year. Sometimes Raven supposes that Mr. Bean has even developed better ways to express his feline feelings more than his owner. Since this "no-label" relationship has been going on, Raven has been secretly hoping that by finally being introduced to one of Anya's closest friends, might officially mean something to Anya. Hence, making Lexa's visit being a bit of a big deal but with other matters at hand, Anya's focus might be settled elsewhere instead.

"What do you mean company? I thought she was travelling alone?" Raven inquired.

"She met some girl along the way, now she's tagging along" Anya explained as she went back to her desk to retrieve her coffee.

"Well that's interesting, I guess based on what you have told me that's a bit un-Lexalike isn't it?" Raven moved to grab Anya's coffee.

"It certainly is" Anya answered.

"So, do I finally get to meet this friend of yours? For the longest time, I kinda enjoyed this illicit affair" Raven teased but somehow, she secretly hoped that by bringing up the topic, Anya would soon decide on what to call their relationship.

"Actually, Lexa does not have a clue that I'm in some 'illicit affair'" Anya air quotes "I kinda planned this to be the moment to tell her".

"So, she does not even know that I exist?" Raven felt a bit hurt at the moment, realizing where she stands with Anya.

"Well, as I've said this is the first time she's visiting, so, I was hoping she could finally meet you" The change in Anya's tone, the sincerity in her voice made Raven recognize that meeting Lexa was probably indeed a big step in their unlabelled relationship.

"So what should I do? How should I act?" Raven glided towards Anya as if soliciting guidelines.

Then, without any awareness or pretense, it just slipped from Anya, "Well, just how any girlfriend would act…" Anya caught herself wide-eyed.

There was a pregnant pause between the two. Anya's gaze did not waver; Raven was like a deer caught in headlights, Anya's slip finally sinking in.

Raven decided to break the silence, knowing that Anya was non-confrontational; she thought evading the mishap might be best. "Don't worry An, I haven't heard anything" Despite the hurt in her voice, Raven knew that Anya will never be ready and to push for them to date exclusively might just rattle Anya and cause her to run away in the process.

"No, Rae, stop…listen for a while" Anya took a deep breath "I've actually been thinking for a while now and I really planned to ask you soon but I had this fear that you might not take me seriously or I'll probably scare you…" Anya realized her word vomit but Raven's unrelenting gaze signaled her to go on. "Anyway, here it goes…will you be my girlfriend?"

"In a heartbeat!" Raven jumped into Anya's arms sealing their dialogue with a searing kiss. "Sorry, I panicked, I thought you were taking us into a different direction a while ago…" Raven mumbled in between the kiss.

"Shut up, Reyes!" Anya countered and Mr. Bean sauntered towards the stairs realizing that this was his cue to leave.

The white sandy beach glistened under the harsh sun, a male figure sat underneath a lone coconut tree near the shore. A group of children gathered washed up shells of sand-dollars (a type of sea urchin) across the coastline. The serene blue waters appear like soft fabric across the coast. A tanned slim female figure with a mop of curly brown hair in a bikini approaches the man settled by a coconut tree.

"It's a good day for a swim" she greets him as she settles herself beside him.

"It's a good day indeed" he beams at her and places an arm around her shoulder.

"So what did she say?" she asked with her glare kept on the shoreline before them.

"Who?" he inquired.

"Your girlfriend, who else, c'mon Bell, I heard you talking to her over the phone a few nights ago" she stated nonchalantly.

"That's ex-girlfriend for you, Gina" he replied in a low voice.

"So, you did break it off with her? I thought you were in an open relationship. Damn, she's edgy" Gina probed.

"You don't know her, you shouldn't talk about her like that" Bellamy countered.

"Alright, alright, hold your horses. Nothing to be too uptight about, I'm just stating the facts here. I'm just saying, she went off with some stranger and now tells you that you don't have the right to do whoever…"

"Like I said, she's not like that, plus, it was with a girl" Bellamy cut Gina off.

"Don't be too naïve, Bell. In what century are you from? The world does not just revolve around heteronormativity genius! Doesn't mean it was with a girl, there ain't no rubbing uglies involved is there? Sorry to be a bit blunt here but it sounds like they'll be riding off the sunset without you" Gina was becoming a bit coarse at this point.

Bellamy withdrew his arm from Gina's shoulder at this moment. He was staring at the horizon in deep contemplation. Maybe that was all he was to Clarke, some rebound fuck to get over her dead boyfriend. Well, it was fun at first but not until Clarke told him that it was over did he feel this sharp pang at the pit of his stomach. Probably, that was all he was to Clarke some cheap fuck and a drinking buddy, he should probably not overthink it.

If he met Clarke years ago, he might have probably not had gave up so easily. The drinking problem started after a few months when his sister passed away. It wasn't his fault, it was nobody's fault actually; it was cancer. It could have been helped but they haven't found out about it earlier. But he blamed himself for it; he blamed himself for not taking care of her enough. Hence, the drinking started, he just wanted to sleep, and he just wanted to numb himself from the pain for a while. But he has been escaping since then, escaping the truth and escaping what his life could have been.

Bellamy met Clarke at her lowest, they were both in pain, and they both lost someone. This time, they wanted to feel again; the sex was random at first, it started in a bathroom in one drunken night. But it made them feel something again, up until it didn't. Bellamy always thought about this trip for years, how he promised his sister that he'll take her to see the world when she gets better. He also thought that he should take Clarke to see the world, so that she gets better. But his sister did not live for him to fulfill that promise nor did Clarke stick around for that, but then he realized that he was doing it now. It may not be for his sister, it may not also be for Clarke, but maybe just maybe, he could do it for himself.

"Hey Gina…" with some sense of clarity Bellamy turned to the girl beside him, looking intensely into her brown eyes.

"Yeah?" Gina replied with an almost irritated scowl.

"Shut up" then he moved to cup both her cheeks with his hands and kissed her under the scorching sun, the hot sand and the gentle waves of the sea.

This was just a casual day; the sun was up, his loafers hit the rough pavement, he was sipping his coffee and the strong flavor and aroma hit him like never before, the city was bustling; he has never felt so many sensations all at once, before; he felt alive. Titus was back in the coffee shop in front of Polis Park, he was always here with Lexa but he has never appreciated the view here before. While most people wanted to retire to a quiet solitary life in some coastal region or a farm, Titus had other ideas. He could never imagine himself being away from people; he could not fathom the silence. The city was his refuge; the smell of various foods when he walks along the food trucks and delis in the morning, the noise of ambulances, police cars and loud mufflers in the night, the glittering neon lights of the buildings in the evening; these are the vibrations he could not live without. He viewed himself as a maximalist in life; surrounded by beautiful people, surrounded by beautiful things, surrounded by the full life force of the city. But being in the same place, alone, now, without Lexa has brought him into a new perspective. Going to the clinic brought him to a new perspective. So he cancelled all his appointments today, put on a plain white t-shirt, a pair of denims and his most unfussy pair of loafers and headed out towards the park. However, he did set one meeting today, realizing that he would be about an hour early, he brought a book with him, Gabriel Garcia Marquez's One Hundred Years of Solitude. Lexa, Anya and Titus were all wide readers; they used to have some sort of a book club. They picked a book each month and discuss it over some coffee at the end of each month. Anya and Titus would often bicker at some ideas that they would disagree with, Lexa often acted as a referee, trying to settle the debates. But this was the book wherein they found themselves agreeing with too many things that they decided to leave everything into their own respective understandings.

After a short while, being left to his musings, Titus finally set his book on top of the table as he saw a figure approach him. Titus knew that he took lunch off away from work; he had a brown leather body bag draped across his shoulder and not his backpack and because he was wearing a pullover, he probably took his bike instead of his car.

"Well, you don't look like your dying" was Gustus' blunt greeting as he settled himself on a seat in front of Titus.

"Maybe I still am or maybe I thought I was" Titus replied in an enigmatic tone, Gustus scoffed knowing that Titus was up to something.

Why Gustus was here after such a long time while still being mad at Titus baffled him. However, receiving a desperate call from Titus a night ago made him break his reserve. Gustus worked so hard to build his walls up, but somehow after hearing Titus' desperate plea; he knew that this was more than just a relapse on his part.

"Okay, you wanted to talk, talk" Gustus maintained his hard façade. He told himself to never fall into Titus' ploys again.

Looking at Gustus, Titus started to hate himself more; he knew that he was responsible into turning Gustus into this numb, defensive creature. Gustus had his back straight, his arms crossed over his chest; his body language signaled Titus that he should go straight to the point.

"Alright then, have you gotten yourself tested recently?" Titus nonchalantly quipped.

"What do you mean?" Gustus' demeanor softened.

"Well, I have not been feeling well recently, so I went to the clinic yesterday…" Titus explained.

"And what did they say?" Gustus cut.

"The rapid test was negative but the results for the second antigen test takes three months to confirm" Titus continued.

At this point, Titus did not realize that Gustus has already reached out for his hands across the table.

"Don't worry about me; I was cleared after our break-up. I was never really with anyone after that" Gustus assured him.

"I just thought that I'd warn you…you know…just in case" Titus stuttered, his voice breaking. He was never really this vulnerable around anyone except Gustus.

"Do Lexa and Anya know?" Gustus inquired.

"They're a bit caught up with things for now. I decided not to tell anyone unless things are you know…really cleared…or confirmed" admitting to his faults and weaknesses was always hard for Titus, he was selfish.

Being with Gustus made him vulnerable; he hated that, he never wanted to be dependent on anyone, not even his friends. So, at some point, he was destructive, trying to avoid any commitment or fealty to one person. He viewed love as a weakness, so he always evaded love. Gustus was ruined by his actions; he took in the gravity of his selfishness.

"I wanted to keep this for a while, but then I thought of you and wanted to warn you. But I guess, I just needed you to know, just in case" Titus could no longer look into Gustus' eyes, knowing that he was tearing down his walls now.

"You really are a selfish, prick, you know that?" Gustus was squeezing his hands now; he was on the verge of tears.

"After what I have done to you, I guess, I deserve everything that's coming…" Titus spoke in a low broken tone.

"You really don't get it, Ty" Gustus tried to compose himself "After breaking me, all I thought of was burying every memory of you and now, after all my hard work, you just come crashing down, dragging me with you, once again".

"Lexa told me about the vampire comparison…" Titus tried to joke.

"Yeah, sorry about that but you really do know me. You know when to call and what to say. I hate myself because I know how pathetic I am around you but how I wish that it was not under these circumstances" Gustus sighed. "So, what do we do now?"

"Well, as for me, I'll just probably wait"

"Then, I'll wait with you"

Titus was caught aback by how decisive Gustus was.

"You mean…" Titus was baffled with Gustus' action.

"I mean I'll be here for you while you wait and I'll be here for whatever happens. I am forgiving you even if you haven't apologized. I'll be your friend; I'll be there for you whenever Lexa or Anya can't. I'll be around, Ty. We'll start from there and who knows, we'll see what happens after."

Titus digested Gustus' words slowly, he knows that he doesn't deserve his forgiveness; he knows that he deserves less for what he has done.

"I don't deserve this, I don't deserve you. You're still here even if there's nothing left…"

Gustus picked up the book from the table, "Like Marquez says, 'there is always something left to love'"

Note: Sorry for the long wait, I haven't disappeared yet, the holidays were just hectic. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, next chapter will be Clexa-centric once again, I just wanted to get this chapter out to develop the other characters. Thank you very much for reading!