Chapter 16: Floating
"Anyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves. So anyone who's in love gets sad when they think of their lover. It's like stepping back inside a room you have fond memories of, one you haven't seen in a long time."
Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore
Falling in love for the first time feels like a whirlwind, like a Ferris wheel ride that goes on and on. The anticipation of unpredictable movement, the sudden jolt of emotion as the wheel suddenly moves, the constant churning of the stomach as you are lifting from the ground, the gradual turning and finally the abrupt drop when the ride ends. The uncertainty and tentativeness just brings excitement into the experience. Lexa is very much familiar with all of these feelings; her memories of meeting Costia for the first time, being able to talk to her and at last kissing her for the first time was still fresh in her mind. At this point, Lexa finally laughs at the memory; scenes of their blissful days replaying in her mind. She recalled her impulsiveness, her recklessness, her selflessness; abandoning everything to Costia, all her first times, all her time. There comes a point in our lives when we finally get to sit down in silence and realize how thoughtless we have become of ourselves the moment we were engulfed by first love. Lucky are those who are each other's first loves; they get to keep these remembrances in a positive light. But for those who were unfortunate; lucky are they when they finally recognize their growth through this experience. Then after months of being hurt and being mad, Lexa become conscious that she was probably indeed "moving on". This is probably the one moment of clarity, when a person figures out that life goes on and we should focus on new experiences. At this point, the pain wasn't relevant anymore, any reprisal was no longer important, Costia was nothing but a mere reminiscence- all the longing was gone. This was Lexa's moment of clarity.
Lexa was consciously present at the moment before her. She could feel the movement of the people along the busy streets of Bangkok. She could feel the sun on her skin. She could hear the honks of cars and the bawling crowd around her. Somehow she felt alive again. Lexa thought to herself: It's funny when you find time to stop for a while and see the world in constant motion, then you ask yourself- 'where are we going'? At this point, despite her stillness, she felt like she was walking again, the endless days of unplanned activities had occurred. She walks around the streets, stops when something catches her eye, lingering to savor the moment. No one forces her to keep on moving, to plan the next event; Clarke would simply realize that she has stopped and would wait for her around the corner. This morning, she came under a tree at the grounds of the Grand Palace- shedding its leaves, letting go of everything, one by one, the wind carries the fallen leaves; nothing else mattered at the moment. Lexa observed the leaves, she needed to correct herself; they were not falling- they were floating. For a time, Lexa thought, how do leaves keep themselves afloat for a while in midair? She always thought that they fell, just like that. But one leaf falls laterally- it drifts right through her plane of sight. She spent several seconds staring at the leaf as it floats- like a ballerina, seemingly weightless. She felt like she was meant to witness that moment, like it was her fate to be at that place at the exact moment. She catches the leaf with her shaking palm, she whispered a silent prayer- her mother once told her, if a falling leaf falls onto your hand, keep it and make a wish. Reminded by her childhood past time, she held on to that leaf. Now, it's not simply a fallen leaf, but hope whispered into the rustling wind.
Lexa ponders upon this moment as she tucked the fallen leaf into her journal notebook. She adjusted her glasses as she looked into the itinerary Raven and Anya drafted for them. She had run out of disposable contact lenses for trip, so she decided to put on her glasses for the day. She recalls Clarke's reaction when she saw her with that look as she exited the bathroom that morning. Clarke said she looked different, but nice. She was beginning to note down Clarke's minute reactions to certain details. She wanted to know more about Clarke, she wanted to see where this- what they have- was heading.
She was seated in a quaint coffee shop across the Victory Monument waiting for Clarke. Clarke wandered off to a nearby street corner simply telling Lexa to wait for her by their table. They were on their third day around the city; they went to museums and temples in the mornings and went to bars and night markets with Anya and Raven in the evenings. Clarke was a good traveling companion; she was never afraid to try new food or experiences, she was quick to finding her way around, and she worked her way around a foreign language, easily interpreting signs and sometimes making a laugh out of the unusual ones. Lexa's thoughts drifted to Clarke- the enthusiastic, mysterious and magnanimous Clark. She had only known Clarke for weeks. How can a stranger suddenly feel so familiar?
"Hey, I'm back!" Clarke snapped Lexa back from her trance.
"What did you need to do this time, something that does not require my presence?" Lexa teased.
"Look what I got." Clarke waved two tickets in front of Lexa.
"Please stop flailing your arm so I can see…" Lexa grabbed Clarke's wrist, took the tickets and inspected them closely.
Lexa did not expect what Clarke had brought. Clarke had two tickets to the Bangkok Traditional Puppet Show at the nearby Aksra Theater at 6:30 that evening.
"You like it? I saw the posters when we passed by earlier and figured it would be a good thing to somehow reminisce how we first met." Clarke explained nervously.
"You talk as if we had been together for a long time." Lexa blurted out without thinking. Then suddenly she realized that she has somehow implied that they were "together".
"Well, I just wanted to thank you." Clarke answered bashfully, Lexa was glad that she did not catch on what Lexa implied.
"Thank me for what?" Lexa was baffled about what Clarke meant.
"Probably, by popping out of nowhere, well, actually in the middle of Hanoi and eventually making everything else seem better." Clarke explained without looking directly at Lexa.
Both Clarke and Lexa knew how much it meant to them having to meet each other unexpectedly, but at certain times, they just couldn't put their feelings into words.
"Hmm, tickets to a show? Are you asking me out on a date, Clarke?" Lexa decided to joke to make the moment less awkward.
"Well, are you up for it? I mean, are you up for a date?" Clarke finally asked pretending to close her eyes to express her anticipation of Lexa's positive answer.
"Hmm, seeing that I probably don't have anything better to do than getting drunk with Anya and Raven for the past evenings then it's probably a 'yes'." Lexa answered suddenly becoming more self-conscious.
"Of course, as if we have anything better to do." Clarke beamed.
Earlier that evening, both Clarke and Lexa received raised eyebrows from Anya and Raven when they told them that they planned to spend the evening alone. The couple somehow managed create an ensemble of their best supposedly "date night" outfit from their backpacks. Lexa put on a black sleeveless linen dress with a mandarin collar and a pair of strappy brown sandals that she got from Anya's wardrobe to match the frame of her glasses; she tied her hair up in a loose bun. Clarke donned a white silk tunic with blue ethnic pattern embroidery and a pair of dark jeans and flat heel Rome sandals. Both dressed up and eager to spend more time together; they exited the cab from Anya's apartment hand in hand. Clarke suddenly realized that she has never imagined her first 'formal' date to take place in a foreign country with a person that she has simply met by chance. Of course, Clarke has been with several people before, but this was the first time for her to arrange a date and actually ask someone out. With Murphy, everything was mostly circumstantial; they simply went to the same art shows having been invited by mutual friends, watching a movie simply to have fun or to criticize it or going to concerts because they like the same bands. With Bellamy, everything was spontaneous; Clarke has made many rash decisions out of her own angst and Bellamy was simply there to indulge. But with Lexa, she felt like everything fell into place easily; everything seemed composed, it was spur-of-the-moment but unrushed. It was exactly how she felt when they exited the theatre, still holding hands.
"The details on the workmanship of the puppets were so intricate" was the first thing that Lexa said as they strolled out of the theatre building. "The wooden puppets are probably heavy though, it took three puppeteers to move one" Lexa added.
"Growing up, the only puppets I knew were the squishy ones. Now, I do have a different appreciation for puppeteers." Clarke supplemented.
"Thank you for taking me out to see this show." Lexa smiled.
"Well, I wanted to see it for my own benefit; I just wanted to have someone sensible around." Clarke joked.
"So, where to next? Got anything else in mind?" Lexa asked.
"Hmm, I'm craving for something, how about heading to Khao San Road? Clarke suggested.
"Of course, Anya never took us there because she says it's overrated" Lexa snickered. After spending a long time in Bangkok, Lexa took note that Anya never brought them to the typical tourist spots, whenever they went together. She and Clarke usually went to the touristy spots on their own.
"Plus, that's where Leo started with his expedition in 'The Beach', remember?" Clarke justified.
"The New Yorker writer Susan Orlean dubbed it was 'the place to disappear' but I suppose, Leo DiCaprio is reason enough to go there" Lexa chuckled at the thought.
"So what do you say, Lexa, ready to disappear with me?" Clarke insinuated with a wink and with that they hailed a cab to their destination.
Steam from a pan on top of a searing hot charcoal stove hit Clarke and Lexa's faces as they patiently waited for their stir-fried noodles. Clarke was craving for Pad Thai; she yearned in silence as the street peddler prepared a mixture of noodles, radish, beansprouts, peanuts, dried shrimp and egg, seasoned with palm sugar and chilies. Khao San Road was not only illuminated by the neon lights of the buildings but also lined with a colorful array of various street food. Clarke's senses were assaulted by various colors, textures and aromas of the food around them. Earlier, Lexa provided Clarke with a small tour of various Southeast Asian exotic fruits that they saw on the streets. Colorful slices of fresh fruits packaged in small transparent plastic bags included pineapples, watermelons, papayas, guavas, rose apples, lychees, ripe and green mangoes, jackfruits and the infamous durian known for its odd smell. Other stalls sold pork dumplings, sausages, vermicelli noodles, curry and roti, and Tom Yum soup. Lexa also showed Clarke that if you were adventurous enough there were stalls selling something more exotic. The couple stumbled upon a push cart selling fried grasshoppers, giant water bugs (that looked like cockroaches), crickets, silk worms and bamboo worms. Typically, these delicacies were seasoned with salt, soy sauce, pepper, kaffir leaves, leeks or chilies. For the less faint of heart, crispy and juicy scorpions, spiders, and ant queens were also available. Realizing that Clarke's taste buds were not up for a 'Simba, Timon and Pumba' diet; the couple followed the aroma of the stir-fried noodles in peanut sauce. Clarke and Lexa took their plates of steaming Pad Thai on one of the low tables lined up along the side of the road.
"Sorry I didn't bring you to an upscale restaurant on our first date" Clarke whispered as she opened a can of local beer to match her meal.
"What makes you think that I'm that type of girl? I've travelled many parts of the world, Clarke, been to many places, sampled different meals. I live for this type of comfort!" Lexa stated as she proceeded to mix her serving of noodles with its sauce and toppings with a pair of chopsticks.
"So, I suppose you're pretty low maintenance, then?" Clarke joked.
"Let's just say that I'm always up for something new and shiny things don't necessarily convince me" Lexa retorted.
"Then I guess, we won't be having any issues in this department in the future" Clarke chortled as she proceeded to take a crispy bite of her meal.
"Yeah, I suppose" Lexa smiled.
The couple dined in relative silence, savoring their meals in hearty pleasure. They talked about the other local food that they should try while in Bangkok. They observed the various groups and couples that passed by, trying to come up with cliché profiles of their fellow travelers. Lexa talked about the most bizarre meals that she had had when she was working. Clarke recalled her past gastronomic adventures with her family. The couple went back and forth, sharing details of themselves as they finished their meal. Lexa felt that it was the most natural thing; a sea of people floating past them whilst they remain in the shelter of their personal bubble. For a while, she knew that she was alone; but she was not lonely at all. For, she was alone with Clarke.
"So, what happens after this?" Lexa suddenly asks, adjusting her glasses on top of her nose bridge.
"Well, do you have any other place in mind?" Clarke looked at her wrist watch, it was getting late but Bangkok was still lively maybe Lexa had another destination in mind.
"No, I mean…after this trip? What are you planning to do?" Lexa explained her eyes searching into Clarke's for answers.
"Maybe I'll get back to work, finish some paintings, I really don't know, Lex" Clarke replied hesitantly. She knew that Lexa was somehow expecting for a certain answer, so she continues "But I do want to see more of you."
Lexa's face lighted up, Clarke knew that she gave the right answer. She knew in her gut that they were both looking into something more into this new friendship.
"How about you, Lex?" Clarke added.
"Well, I guess I'm done wandering or wondering rather. What do you think Clarke, you think it's time to head home?" Lexa inquired, her tone somewhat contented.
"Back at Anya's?" Clarke clarified.
"No, I mean, I think I'm ready to 'go home' now" Lexa emphasized.
At that note, Clarke knew what Lexa meant exactly. Yes, she was ready too. She was ready to go back to her own studio, to sleep in her own bed, in her own house. She instantly fantasized of an afternoon with Lexa snuggled in a sofa reading a book, doing grocery shopping and cooking together, painting or waking up next to each other. In fact, she couldn't wait.
"Yes, Lexa, I'm ready to go home too."