Chapter 19: Renewal
"It's enough for me to be sure that you and I exist at this moment."
Gabriel García Márquez, One Hundred Years of Solitude
Clarke was seated at the outdoor area of the coffee shop located north of Polis Park. It was early morning at the park, Clarke was enjoying her long black coffee in a glass cup amidst the sea of passers-by that scurried around her. The sun was up on a Sunday, children were strolling with their parents, pets such as cats and dogs were taken out by their owners. Meanwhile, Clarke was painting with watercolors on her drawing pad, it was another scene of the busy streets of Vietnam, street peddlers carrying baskets of goods carefully balanced on shoulder poles. The scene was textured and colorful, Clarke delved into her memory of that remarkable place where she met Lexa months ago. They had been dating for over two weeks already. Clarke had never felt this contented around someone before, but with Lexa, things were spontaneous, it was in fact, quite easy. There were no pretenses, no shared angst, they simply wanted to feel like children again; easygoing, carefree and hopeful. Choosing where and what to eat, selecting a movie to watch, deciding on what to do, seemed less chore-like. Clarke was slowly overcoming the heaviness of her baggage, but somehow at the back of her mind there was this nagging feeling. 'I'm too happy, maybe something is bound to go wrong soon'.
Clarke thought of the aptly named Murphy's law, 'Anything that can go wrong will go wrong'. She hasn't thought much about John or her mother that much since she got together with Lexa. Was it a bad thing? Marcus has assured her over and over again that there was nothing wrong with being happy again. Marcus kept on telling her that she deserved Lexa, that John and her mom would want nothing more than her happiness. That was it, Clarke was slowly realizing what this fear meant. She had this lingering apprehension because she was falling in love with Lexa.
"What are you thinking?" Suddenly a soft voice whispered behind Clarke, breaking her reverie.
"Nothing…just a bit entranced by my pleasant surroundings" Clarke answered casually as she moved to receive a peck on the lips from Lexa.
Lexa just came from her morning run. She had been exercising religiously right after she and Clarke had decided to work on a cleanse. Lexa quit smoking and they had limited their alcohol consumption to a couple of beers or cocktails during the weekends.
"My sabbatical will be over soon; I have about less than a week left. I think I'm ready to get back to work now." Lexa sat across Clarke, she was sweating beneath her spandex tank top, the end of April was rather humid. She waved for a waiter and ordered an iced tea.
"This one's for the book" Clarke showed the illustration to Lexa.
"Of course, I remembered that crowded street" Lexa replied with a wide smile.
It was just about three days ago that Clarke and Lexa talked about making a journal in the form of sketchbook entries documenting their time in mainland southeast Asia. Lexa discussed the project with her editor Indra, and she eventually liked the format. Lexa had begun writing again while Clarke continued with her previous watercolor sketches that are now intended for the book.
The couple fell into relative silence as Lexa's iced tea arrived.
"Getting back to work means I'll be travelling again" Lexa suddenly blurted out as she took a long sip of her drink.
"And?" Clarke asked without looking up, still immersed in her work.
"So, I might be away most days, but typically, trips last for three days to a week tops" Lexa explained coolly.
"I know what you do, Lex" Clarke finally looked up from her work. "It's not an issue at all" Clarke continued as she reached out with her free hand for Lexa's hand across the table.
"Won't it be weird that we had just started dating and you wouldn't be seeing me most days in a week?" Lexa asked pouting.
"Don't be such a child, that's what technology's for" Clarke chuckled tapping the wooden tip of her paint brush lightly on top of Lexa's nose.
"So, you are calm about this set-up?" Lexa probed.
"We're dating, Lex, I've never felt more secure, this is new, let's just see how it goes. Would you rather that get I stressed out about this?" Clarke clarified.
"Nothing like that, it's just you're one-off, Clarke. You know my last relationship didn't work out because of the demands of my work" Lexa was reminded of her past relationship with Costia and how it ended.
"It was not about your work, Lex. Costia cheated, as simple as that" Clarke declared unceremoniously.
"Of course" Lexa replied with a nod.
"Look, Lexa, I've been through a lot. I know how it feels to lose someone and to even throw yourself into an abysmal relationship that leads to nowhere. We both know that we are beyond all that bullshit, right?" At this point Clarke held on to both of Lexa's hands across the table.
"Yeah, you're right. That's why I love you" Lexa uttered wide eyed as she eventually realized what she had just said.
When Lexa's words slowly sunk in, Clarke felt this churning in her stomach, she felt empty but full, she felt restless but calm, she had wanted to run away but she remained seated. The small round table in between them seemed to be too wide for Clarke to jump up from her seat and grab Lexa by the neck for a kiss. So, she did the next best thing that she could do.
She gave both Lexa's hands a soft squeeze and replied, "And that's why I love you too"
"So, I have acrophobia, claustrophobia and ranidaphobia" Lexa exclaimed as she put down her copy of Greenberg and Reinhart's "The Pop-up Book of Phobias" as she adjusted her glasses.
"What are you reading now?" Clarke and Lexa were lounged side by side on the sectional sofa in Marcus' living room.
Marcus was away for a conference in Finland, so Clarke had invited Lexa over for the weekend before she left for Myanmar. For over fifty years, Burma or Myanmar has just opened for tourism. Being back on the job for over a month, Lexa's next assignment was to document Buddhist temples in the ancient city of Bagan, central Myanmar. Currently, the couple was sharing a cozy evening leisure reading in front of Marcus' modern fireplace.
"This book about phobias" Lexa showed the books paperback cover.
This was what Clarke found fascinating about Lexa, she reads fiction but she reads more non-fiction books just for pleasure. On the other hand, Clarke was reading a Neil Gaiman graphic novel.
"And what is ranidaphobia?" Clarke asked quizzically lifting her gaze from her graphic novel from her corner of the sofa.
"Fear of frogs" Lexa replied and Clarke guffawed immediately.
"You're afraid of frogs?" Clarke probed.
"Yes, they pee and they'll get warts all over you!" Lexa exclaimed bolting upright.
"But Om Nom from that Cut the Rope game is so cute. Plus, there's also that charming Prince Naveen from the Princess and the Frog" Clarke challenged.
"They're the cute frogs, Clarke. I'm afraid of the jumping, hopping, mosquito eating, warty, scaly…actual frogs!" Lexa defended in disgust.
"Okay, that's noted! I will never subject my girlfriend to the presence of live frogs" Clarke held her hand to her heart smiling, mocking Lexa.
"Laugh all you want, but I'm proud to admit that I'm afraid of frogs" Lexa admitted. "How about you, Clarke? What are you afraid of?"
"Well, I'm afraid of heights…" Clarke started to enumerate her known fears.
"Acrophobia, that's common" Lexa went to check the proper terminology from her book.
"I'm afraid of snakes" Clarke continued.
"Ophidiophobia" Lexa acknowledged.
"That's forgivable snakes can do more harm than frogs" Clarke raised.
"Okay, point taken, is that all?" Lexa queried.
"And this one I know, autophobia…" Clarke declared.
Lexa looked into her book once more to search for the definition of Clarke's phobia and she was stunned by what she saw, "…fear of being alone".
"Hey, it's not physical, Lex, I can stay in a room without another person. But I haven't travelled alone, I lived with Marcus since mom passed. I'm not even diagnosed with anything. It's more figurative probably, rather than medical. It's just I'm tired of losing people" Clarke suddenly became melancholic.
"I'm sorry, Clarke.." Lexa began to comfort her girlfriend. Even if Clarke was joking, she knows that she meant it. That Clarke was telling her something, that after all that she went through, after all the isolation in her studio. She was just simply afraid of one thing, to end up being alone.
"But you know what, I'm past that know, I think. I'm learning new things with you. When I told you that I was secured, that I wasn't afraid about you leaving periodically for work, I meant it. I'm standing on my own two feet now, in fact, there's nothing wrong about being alone, right?" Clarke explained a little bit teary eyed, realizing how far she had gone with Lexa.
"Yes, Clarke, and there's no harm in trying" Lexa reached for Clarke to embrace her.
"I have something to tell you before you leave" Clarke held Lexa's face in both of her palms, they were seated cross-legged facing each other now. "I thought of studying again".
"Study, as in graduate school? That's great, Clarke" Lexa exclaimed.
"I thought about continuing my work but maybe through art education. I realized a lot during our travel, I wanted to see the world through art and maybe work in a museum somewhere. I heard about the Curatorial Studies Program in New York Institute of Fine Arts and the Metropolitan Museum of Art." Clarke shared.
"Oh, New York, so, have you applied, already? Does Marcus know?" Lexa's response was a bit tentative, the gravity of their situation suddenly dawned on her.
"We talked about it, he gave a long talk about the benefits of graduate school. I've sent my application for the Fall semester, I'll find out in two months" Clarke explained.
"Why do I have a feeling of déjà vu all of the sudden?" Lexa collapsed on her back onto the sofa.
"Hey, Lex, it's not déjà vu" Clarke straddled Lexa "Look at me" she held Lexa's face onto her palms again "I'm not Costia, I'm not leaving, not without a promise" Clarke stared into Lexa's eyes.
"I'm sorry Clarke, everything is just happening so fast." Lexa rationalized.
"Everything that has happened between us has been spur-of-the-moment, Lex and at some point, I even thought about it to be serendipitous. How I impulsively got together with Bellamy and went with him on a trip, how I met you at that small puppet theatre, how I chose to stay with you, how I debated on answering your call that night, how I got together with you; everything was sudden but it all fell into place. I got up, I put myself out there and I trusted my instincts, I met you and now I finally know what I want with my life. All because I met you, that was my process, Lex" Clarke kept still, the moment a tear fell onto Lexa's face, she felt nothing but the urge to embrace Clarke.
"I'm sorry, I'm just so scared of letting you go and watch you drift away, this has happened before, Clarke. It should not keep on happening to me" Lexa mumbled as she buried her face onto Clarke's chest.
"Nothing bad will happen to us, Lex. You know we can do this…we've been through a lot. You'll keep on working…I'll keep on working…we'll get there…" Clarke managed to stammer in between sobs.
"We'll try it then…" was all Lexa could say in the end. Even if she knew that her greatest fear was about to hit her hard and fast.