Chapter 20: Antithesis
"I wished I was on the same bus as her. A pain stabbed my heart as it did every time I saw a girl I loved who was going the opposite direction in this too-big world of ours."
Jack Kerouac, On the Road: The Original Scroll
What to do? Lexa asked herself, it's quite facetious when suddenly your plan in life changes, just like that, routines broken. It's a break you can't take; you just had to keep on moving. Lexa got home to an empty room, the blinds were drawn the rays of the golden hour seeped right through her apartment. She hanged her coat and dropped her bag at the vestibule, she just arrived from Fiji. Her latest story was on the Castaway Island. She was soaked under the sun for days, her skin acquired that impeccable tan. Though her last work was interesting, she has never felt so tired in days. Her camera was filled with picturesque sunsets of the beach's horizon but it seemed like it was just another day at work. She sat on the floor for a while, she rested there pondering how swiftly things had altered in her life for the past few months. It was just a few months ago that she had recently invigorated her thirst for life. It just seemed a while ago that she was sitting at the foot of the temples of Siem Reap, happily basking under the sun with Clarke. Clarke Griffin who was a stranger at that moment but it was the same Clarke that has stimulated her to move on and find happiness once again. It had been a month since Clarke had left for New York. There were promises thrown around here and there, an undertaking, the guarantee of fidelity. But this was not Lexa's problem, she knew that they were at a point that faithfulness was never in question, knowing their backgrounds. Lexa's unease was that she feared whether she was strong enough to hold on onto this moment of uncertainty.
Skype calls with Clarke were regular, she saw how eager Clarke was by being back in school again. There were days wherein Clarke was a bit tired to talk or days when she needed to be off somewhere with her colleagues. There were days wherein Lexa's schedule would be more demanding, moving from city to city, flying off from country to country. There were days when she needed to go to far-off locations without any communication service. Previously, being back from trips and coming home to Clarke was enough. Seeing her icy blue eyes warmed Lexa's heart, just there lying down the couch reading a book, jolting upright once Lexa's keys started to jingle at the door knob. Lexa would go home to a warm apartment, with low instrumental music playing at the background and the kitchen smelling of freshly brewed coffee all day long. Clarke would sometimes occupy the entire dining room table with all her watercolor paintings for the book that they were working on. Clarke has finished all the drawings for the book before she left but Lexa had never sat down to work on it. Now, Lexa came home to an empty apartment, she never felt so alone. She has never realized how bounded she was to Clarke, not until her long absence.
Looking at the wall clock, it read 6:45 in the evening, Lexa suddenly had the craziest idea. A few minutes later, she found herself waiting for a train, laughing at the spontaneity of the moment. It was the biggest break she had in weeks. She wasn't running after time; she could be as slow as she could get. It was a good decision. She figured, she wouldn't be alone if she won't allow herself to be alone. She told herself that she was used to being alone, she needed to get used to it once more. If she wanted this to work with Clarke, she needed to feel comfortable with being alone. After all, she herself would leave periodically and Clarke will not be away forever, she just needs to endure this. Before, she got used to being alone, but not until Clarke came around.
She eventually found herself walking around Polis' Chinatown. Lexa craved for some authentic food; Lexa just needed to get out. Lexa walked around the busy streets, the clinking noises, the hustle and bustle of the evening felt comforting. The different smells of various food from dried fruits to hand-pulled noodles to steamy dumplings. Lexa just wanted to do something, to do something out of work. Just to experience things again without even lifting a pen to record the moment. Lexa used to walk around this neighborhood just because. She left with only her wallet and apartment keys, no photographs, no writing, just breezing through the moment.
Lexa realized that their lives practically changed without having each other to witness it. That moment, she felt like she was doing herself a huge favor, she was doing the right thing. The greatest things in life went unplanned. If you have nothing else to do, the first thing that comes into your mind counts the most. Lexa had finally reached her destination. She stood before an old shop house with a red neon sign that read "Open". Dozens of patrons seated around small round wooden tables crowded inside the small noodle shop. Lexa ordered her usual, a hefty bowl of La Mien, simmered in front of her.
It was the best dinner she had for years, it lasted for almost an hour. Moments like these Lexa wanted to last forever, but it fades away as soon as it comes. Lexa took her time to finish her dinner. A few minutes from now, she'll be on her way back to her routine, to her own world once again.
As Lexa hopped into the eight o'clock train, she thought to herself. 'Now, this is what I would do whenever my routine falls apart. I'll be taking a train away from everything else.'
Clarke stared absentmindedly out of the coffee shop window, a copy of the book, "The Art of Relevance" laid open and untouched on top of the table next to her cup of flat white coffee. Clarke's gaze followed the passers-by of New York, people in a hurry, scurrying like ants, moving endlessly, navigating through a maze of buildings, cars and more people. It was a snowy evening in New York, the buildings outlined with lights glowed like light boxes. The rush of the holidays was heavily felt all over the city. Clarke missed the simplicity of Polis and the caginess of Arkadia, Clarke missed home. Marcus called her up almost every week, always interested in her classes and concerned of her well-being. For the past semester, she has only heard from Marcus.
"Yo, Clarke, are you still there?" A hand is waved in front of Clarke, Monty, her classmate tries to capture Clarke's attention.
"Oh, you were saying something?" Clarke was suddenly out of her daydream and focuses her attention to her peers, Monty Green and Wells Jaha, both sat across her with copies of the same book that she was reading. The group had decided to study together for their art theory class.
Monty and Wells had been Clarke's closest peers in graduate school. Monty has a degree in industrial design, his parents owns a furniture manufacturing firm but unlike his brothers who focused on running the factory, Monty wanted to work in the art industry. Wells on the other hand, always had his long term plans set out for him. He has a degree in archaeology and his father was an art dealer. Both Monty and Wells came from old money, but they kept a low profile and never wanted any excessive attention. It had been three semesters since Clarke had moved to New York, in the past year, she managed to come home for the holidays but this year was going to be different.
"Well, Monty just asked something about the reading but you seem to be out of sorts. What's bothering you, Clarke? You've been staring aimlessly for about ten minutes." Wells commented.
"Does this have something to do with Lexa?" Monty raised an eyebrow.
"It's nothing, she's the farthest thing from my mind." Clarke swallowed hard, she has been in denial. "I'm just observing the busy shoppers" Clarke added.
"Are you heading home this year? You're always welcomed to spend it me and my family. Mom is throwing a big dinner party on Christmas eve" Monty remarked.
"Not to worry, Monty. I'll be heading home, dad would be awfully lonely without me" Clarke replied.
"Well, now that that's sorted out, can we continue with our discussion?" Wells inquired. Clarke nodded nonchalantly.
"Okay then…" Monty went back to shuffling through his book.
It had been a year, Clarke remembered the December of last year clearly in her mind like it was only yesterday. She came home for the holidays after being away for over a year. She was so ecstatic to share her experiences in graduate school with her family, especially with Lexa. But somehow she gathered the reaction that she was not ready for.
Clarke and Lexa sat quietly sipping their individual glasses of wine in Lexa's dining room. The television droned in low volume in the background, news about the holiday rush and blizzards took turns. It was a day before Christmas Eve. Clarke sat there staring blankly at Lexa, Lexa played with her wine glass, slowly drawing circles along the rim with her left index finger. The couple had been silent for a while, unmoving as the fireplace crackled behind them.
"What do you mean, Lex?" Clarke finally broke the silence.
"What are we doing, Clarke?" Lexa repeated her question.
"I hope you are not implying what I think you are" Clarke's voice was broken, seemingly afraid of what Lexa might suggest.
"I guess, this is what I was afraid of in the first place. I warned you about this" Lexa recalled.
"Are we or are we not in love with each other?" Clarke asked, now reaching for Lexa's hands across the table.
"I love you, Clarke, but…" Lexa went on to explain.
"But what?" Clarke interrupted.
"But I feel like I couldn't reach you…" This time Lexa's voice cracked.
"I don't get it, I'm here now, aren't I?" Clarke argued back.
"Aren't we going to address our silence for the past three months? I know how busy you are with school, Clarke. But there are days that I'm away and I never hear from you. This feels like white noise, I know we are both trying to figure this out. But this is not a good foundation for a relationship" Lexa explained, teary eyed.
"You know how hard I try, Lex…just to prove you wrong" Clarke now looked away from Lexa trying to mask her tears.
"When we met, we were both rediscovering ourselves, we were both rebuilding our forts. We were on the same page, Clarke, I still think we both are. It's just that I think, for now, we are moving towards different directions" Lexa expounded.
"Are you saying that this is not working?" Clarke's voice was a little bit raised.
"All I'm saying is that, we probably went into this prematurely, we probably needed more time for ourselves…" Lexa finally vented out.
"Of course, I forgot how you always wanted to be safe, Lex. Even after we met, you had always taken your time" Clarke wanted to stop before she made it any worse but she supposed that Lexa needed to hear this from her. "I do remember how you first shut me out before, your friends needed to talk you out of it. What is it, Lex? What makes you so afraid?" Clarke pushed on.
"I'm not afraid of anything, Clarke. You know what? You want to know the truth? The truth is, I'm just tired" Lexa exclaimed. "I'm just tired of waiting, I'm tired of complications!" Lexa went on. "I used to be tired of being alone, at first, I thought my work was difficult that I shouldn't subject anyone to being alone at times, to my absence. But you know what I realized as of late, I had always managed being alone, I worked so hard to getting used to being alone" Lexa cried out. "But you came along, Clarke and you stuck around."
"So, you're blaming me for this? For sticking around? Weren't you the one who inspired me to better myself, to run after what I has always aspired for? You're some enigma, Lexa Woods" Clarke spat back.
"Maybe we should just accept this as it is…" Lexa whispered.
"Accept what, Lex?" Clarke questioned the teary brunette.
"Let's both do what we want to do first." Lexa said almost inaudibly.
"Are you breaking up with me?" Clarke quivered.
"Is that what you want, Clarke?"
"Don't you dare throw this back at me, Lexa!"
"I'll take what I can get"
"I expected more from you"
With that, Clarke rushed out of Lexa's apartment slamming the door. It was the loneliest night in December and probably for the following months to come.
"So, is she coming home for the holidays?" Titus asked as he looked up from the kitchen counter where he was chopping the ingredients for the gumbo that they were preparing. He was dressed in a plain white t-shirt and a pair of dark denim jeans with a black apron tied around his waist.
"Who?" Lexa asked from the breakfast counter, she sat on a stool with a bottle of lager in front of Titus.
"You know who, of course, I meant Clarke" Titus chimed back.
"You know that I never heard from her ever since she walked out on me that evening" Lexa explained.
"Well, you should probably get in touch with her before I do because she's invited to the wedding" A newly bathed Gustus wearing a black t-shirt and a pair of khaki shorts still drying his wet hair with a towel emerged from the hallway.
Lexa just came back from another trip from Nepal and the couple had invited her to have dinner at their place. After Titus' HIV scare was put to rest, the couple's relationship became stronger than ever. For about eight months ago, Titus went on one knee in the middle of Polis Park one evening and proposed to Gustus. The couple is set for a destination wedding after the New Year.
"Well, she's your friend, you're entitled to make that invitation" Lexa said nonchalantly.
"Don't make this anymore awkward for us, Lex. We all know how you still feel about Clarke." Gustus patted Lexa's back as he sat on the barstool beside her and poured himself a glass of scotch.
"You know, Lex. I still don't understand why you did that." Titus spoke from the hob.
"I just made things less complicated, Ty" Lexa answered without much thought.
"You know, I perfectly know that you both went through a lot. You both don't deserve this. All you wanted to do was to get back to your job, all she wanted to do was to work on her career, nothing's wrong with that, Lex" Titus spoke as he continued his cooking.
"I don't know, Ty. I just suddenly got tired, I just had the urge to give up" Lexa explicated, taking another sip from her drink.
"Was there someone else?" Gustus inquired.
"No, there were no other people" Lexa answered immediately.
"I know this still has something to do with what Costia did to you, but I thought you were over that. Both of you deserve better than this" Titus approached the bar counter where Gustus and Lexa were seated.
"Did you guys invite me just to grill me?" Lexa tried to joke.
"Maybe, but honestly, Lex, why did you give up easily?" Gustus moved closer towards Lexa.
"Alright" after such a long time, Lexa finally gave in to the couple's inquiries. "I was afraid okay, I wasn't afraid of Clarke but I was afraid of being weak again. When she told me that she was going away for a while, my guts started to eat me up again. When we met, I realized how easily she drifted towards me, she was certain to leave her boyfriend at that time. You see, I saw that Clarke had this tendency to just 'jump the gun'. What if someone else does come along? Of what if she just realizes that she'll stay away permanently? I don't want to subject myself to that and spiral once again, I don't know if I'll manage, especially with Clarke…" a single tear plopped on the countertop.
"Dear Lexa, that's where you're wrong. You never gave Clarke the chance. Costia cheated on you, that Bellamy guy cheated on her. Those were different circumstances, of all people both of you should know better" Gustus hugged Lexa.
"Do you think that I overreacted?" Lexa mumbled.
"I think you never gave her a chance" Titus smiled at Gustus. "Just look at where chances had brought us".
"I'm sorry, guys, I was trying to act tough" Lexa spoke almost inaudibly.
"I also wondered why it took you another year to talk to us" Titus chimed in.
"I think I'm done acting tough" Lexa admitted.
"So, do you still love her?" Gustus asked.
"I never stopped" Lexa answered immediately.
"That's good, cause Marcus told me she'll be home for the holidays" Titus gave Lexa a knowing look.
Author's Note:
This story is coming to an end soon, please let me know what you think. Thank you!