Chapter 21: Going

"The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind I was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along."

Rumi

It was a rainy evening, Lexa was seated in a booth by the window that faced Polis Park in the coffee shop that she frequented. A now cool cup of half-finished black coffee laid in front of her, the rim of the cup filled with coffee stains shaped like her plump lips. It had been drizzling for hours; passers-by ran as they crossed the street, avoiding as much of the scattered showers on their trails. Lexa looked up from the laptop; her attention was caught by the lights reflected on the window. The array of luminance from the streetlights reflected on the glass, the colors were muddled like the strokes of an expressionist painter. In her mind, Lexa tried to form patterns; silhouettes of a sunny field instead of a cloudy dreary night.

The coffee shop was filling up fast, pedestrians sought momentary shelter from the rain; ordering cups of hot cocoa to-go or waiting the rain out with a cup of warm coffee. The establishment hung a bell by the entrance door to signal for incoming customers, tonight, the bell was clanging non-stop. Despite the chaos at the counter behind her, Lexa's reverie was never broken. She continued to enjoy her blissful solace in her own corner in this world. Within that year-long break, she has never heard from Clarke, not even a single sigh. For the past months, Lexa was tempted to travel to New York, to seek Clarke out and just beg for her forgiveness to take her back. In her musings, she knew that she could have mistaken. Giving up so fast was probably not her proudest moment. What was she so afraid of? She used to be so calm and collected; she was a calculated, she never did things haphazardly. But what really went wrong with Clarke this time?

A memory flashed before her, it was about a year ago, the day Clarke left for New York…

That was it, Lexa stood behind a column at the airport's pre-departure area, watching the blonde as she struggled with her bags towards the gates. Her quixotic self was telling her to run after Clarke and make it for that airport scene while her logical self tells her that she doesn't even know what to do if Clarke doesn't go. Yes, she might prevent her from leaving that very evening, but Clarke was conclusive, she was really bound to leave anyway. Plus, she didn't want to mess up Clarke's career goals, she had probably done them both a favor. Perhaps they needed the time to work on their individual goals. But a curious thought hit on her head, maybe it was a wrong decision to be so punitive and brash.

"Lexa?" a person behind her broke her contemplation.

As Lexa turned to check on her intruder, she was surprised at who she saw. A middle-aged man with long slick back wavy hair, a three day stubble and a pair of dark rimmed glasses greeted her. She tried to recall where she saw him but she just couldn't place him.

"Oh, I'm so sorry to startle you, but I suppose Clarke never had a chance to introduce us." The man was tentative but he appeared quite harmless wearing a denim button-down shirt with rolled up sleeves, a pair of khakis and loafers. "I'm Clarke's step-dad, Marcus" he finally presented.

Lexa was frozen like a deer caught in headlights. She didn't know what to do. The last thing she needed was for Clarke to find out that she had wanted to see her off but she was such a coward that she hid herself. Probably, she was not ready for a confrontation with Marcus, what type of conversation would you expect from your ex-girlfriend's dad? Also, you never had the chance to meet him because you never put in much effort to stay in the said relationship.

"I understand your shock but what are you doing here? Are you also headed some place?" He was already bombarding her with knowing questions. After not hearing any reply from Lexa, Marcus suddenly had an inkling why she was there at that exact moment. "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm really such a blabbermouth, and I guess that's probably none of my business, right?"

"Clarke…" Lexa's voice trembled at the mention of her name.

"Were you here to see her off?" Marcus asked innocently.

"Maybe, but I'm not sure…" Lexa managed a broken reply.

"Not to pry but are you hiding from her?" Marcus uttered.

"I suppose, yes, I'm sorry…how is she?" Lexa finally found her voice.

"Look, I'm not mad at you and I think you have already decided not to run after her but would you mind if we sit down and talk?" there was a pleading tone in Marcus' voice.

"I can't believe how calm you are about this, I hurt your daughter, sir." Lexa was hesitant.

"I think you have your reasons. Let's hear it then." Marcus motioned Lexa to follow.

Lexa nodded and Marcus led them to a quaint coffee shop outside the departure area. After they ordered their coffees at the counter, Lexa and Marcus awkwardly sat across each other with a small café table between them.

"I'm sorry, I'm being rude. I'm Alexadria Woods, I'm sorry that we met in such an unfortunate circumstance." Lexa extended her hand to Marcus across the table.

"I'm sorry I wasn't able to meet you sooner, Marcus Kane." Marcus shook her hand firmly before letting go.

"Sorry if I'm being blunt but how did you recognize me?" Lexa wondered.

"Since you got together, Clarke talked about you non-stop, she showed me some photographs. Plus, I must admit, I'm an avid reader of your articles at Polis Travel and Living." Marcus explained.

"Have you still been such a fan even after what happened between Clarke and me?" Lexa speculated.

"I still have my subscription, I admire your photography. Though I'm not sure if you're as good as you are in photography as being a girlfriend." Marcus tried to joke. "I spotted you as I said goodbye to Clarke but your gestures appeared like you didn't what to be seen by her."

"I guess that's such childish behavior, isn't it?" Lexa apologized.

"She was so furious when she arrived that evening. She had managed to shut herself inside her studio before I got to her. She locked herself in for a day, I've seen Clarke crash and burn before. It took her years to recover." Marcus recollected.

"The one before, was it about John?" Lexa speculated.

"First, it was John and then it was about her mother. She was so young when everything happened all at once. I wanted to help her, I wanted to lift her up, but I couldn't it was a difficult time for me as well." Marcus re-counted as he took sips of his coffee.

Lexa was silent, she didn't know what else to say. She knew about Clarke's ex-boyfriend and her mother, she knew how difficult it was for Clarke. But she did what she had to do, anyway.

"Listen, Lexa, I don't believe in 'moving on', I also don't believe in 'letting go'. This means that you are either there or you walk away from a person, from your life. But people who matter to us, especially people whom we have lost, their memories stay. We simply choose to either lock up these memories or toss them out to the wind. Without these memories, without this person, you think that there's this emptiness that needs to be filled, but these memories linger. True, we no longer see it but we can always feel it. So wherever you go, it follows you; but it's always about what you make out of these memories. Do you let it haunt you or do you let it teach you?" Marcus went on. "I'm guessing, sometime in your life, you were hurt too. That person may be long gone or far away but can you feel how much her memory has probably affected you. There's this certain strength that we gather as we go along, we either succumb to the depths of despair or we overcome it. For me 'letting go' is all about forgetting about someone or that feeling that you once had. 'Moving on' means walking away from that memory because we are terrified but how much it can affect us, for some, they know how weak they could get. But real strengths are also measured not by 'moving on' and 'letting go', for me, it's all about getting up and sticking around. To stick around and see what happens next. We stay to see if we can put back the broken pieces of ourselves that we have gathered, we stay to see if it can still hold on even if we are shaken. You should be brave enough to stay and see if you can endure submitting yourself to the point of breaking once again."

"Why are you telling me this?" Lexa asked Marcus anxiously.

"For whatever Clarke has told me about you before and after that day, I see much of my younger self in you." Marcus explained. "You see, I met Clarke's mother, Abigail, when we were still at the university. I was finishing my degree in architecture, she was still in pre-med at that time. Mutual friends introduced us, we eventually dated by the time she started med school. At that time, I was also at the peak of my career, I was offered a job at Singapore. I wanted us to be happy career-wise, so I told her that a long-distance relationship was a far cry. So, we put our relationship on a break and did what we wanted to do, we didn't end in amicable terms, she was so furious, she shut me out. I tried to forget about her and focused on my work instead, I was happy with my accomplishments but there was never a day that I never thought of Abby but I never plucked up the courage to talk to her again. I decided to go back to Arkadia after five years, through a friend, I found out that she had a daughter a couple of years ago. When I learned that she wasn't married and that Clarke's dad left her, I knew I needed to set things straight with her. She didn't make it easy for me either, she was still mad at me when I got back. It took me years to win her back and it even took me a longer time to gain Clarke's trust and affection. We were married for two years before Abby passed away. It was the best time in my life." Marcus was almost in tears.

"Look, Lexa, I wasted so much time, I thought I had it. I thought I could linger and savor life as I went on, I was wrong." Marcus sighed and took another sip of his coffee. "But nothing was the same after Abby, even Clarke, we were never the same. Clarke has experienced the same thing with John. She has gone through so much, as I was picking myself up, I saw my daughter fading away from me. How much of her lowest point do you know?" Marcus inquired.

"She told me about her melancholy, she told me about her drinking. I think, that much I know." Lexa replied nervously, anticipating whatever Marcus might add to that.

"She was on a downward spiral, Lexa. She couldn't sleep, so she drank. Before that, I knew how much she needed me but I ignored her, I was too busy being miserable for myself. Her lowest point was much worse than mine. She went out with strangers, she allowed them to take advantage of her miserable state. She thought I never knew about the men and the women at the bars but there were times that I was so worried, I followed her. I just wanted to know that she was safe; I kept my distance, it was the time when she stopped acknowledging me as her dad. Sometimes, she would shut herself at her studio and never talk to me for weeks. Then one day, she just decides to go out again and eventually brings that Bellamy home. I tolerated them because at that point at least she was acknowledging me, at least she got out of her room. When she went on that trip, I was glad that she was enthusiastic about life again. When she came home telling me about what happened and that she met you, things took a full turn." Marcus gave Lexa an appreciative look.

Lexa didn't know what to say, so with her silence, she encouraged Marcus to continue.

"That day, when you asked her to come over your place was the same day that she acknowledged me as her father again." Marcus concluded with a deep breath. "I saw her fall and I saw her fight, she has gained a new perspective, Lexa. She has sought a new purpose, you had a lot to do with that. She's been telling jokes again, we had been having tea and at porch and talking about the future again. But what happened between you two? Don't you want to be around to see that?"

"Thank you for telling me all these things." A single tear escaped Lexa's left eye. "But I'm terrified, Marcus. I trust her but I don't know if I have enough faith in me. I wasn't like this before, just that I had given myself to someone before and I'm reminded of the pain once again, I don't know if I have enough strength left in me to endure the possibility of any more pain."

"I can't blame you, I've been there. I know how it feels to experience something so strong that you needed to shield each other against it. Some loves may be destructive but others may be reconstructive. If you trust that there is enough time in your hands, then be patient enough to seek it out." Marcus expounded.

"Do you think Clarke will ever forgive me in the future?" Lexa asked tentatively.

"Hmm, probably, though I think she already has." Marcus reassured Lexa.

"Thank you." Lexa gave Marcus a warm stare.

"Look, if you need my help, just call me." Marcus took out a calling card from his wallet and handed it to Lexa. "Though I think seeing you today was serendipitous. Take your time Lexa, but don't take too long." With that, Marcus stood up to take a leave.

Lexa never told anyone about meeting Marcus that day. She never told anyone that she almost ran after Clarke at the airport that day. So when she and Titus met Marcus in one of the Polis galleries earlier this year, she pretended that they were meeting in person for the first time. Though Marcus had constantly been updating her of Clarke's whereabouts the past year, she had remained passive to most of it. Lexa was silent but Marcus remained hopeful. Marcus never asked but he always gave her that knowing look telling her to hurry up.

Author's Note: Thank you for following this story, I will be working on an ending soon in the few upcoming chapters!