Chapter 22: Certainty
"Love involves a peculiar unfathomable combination of understanding and misunderstanding."
Diane Arbus
"What have you got in here, Clarke, some boulders?" Marcus dropped Clarke's suitcase by the vestibule of their house.
"Nope, just an anchor and a fish tank." Marcus gave her a stern look. "I'm kidding! Just some books and a couple of materials, dad." Clarke answered as she put away her coat in closet by the foyer.
"Clarke, you promised that you won't be doing any more studying during the holidays. We have plans, remember?" Marcus reminded his daughter.
Marcus carefully laid out a plan for their holidays together, they'll be visiting Abby's grave and probably John's too. They'll be going to a couple of parties hosted by relatives and friends and most of the time they'll do traditions like setting up a Christmas tree and putting more lights on their house and probably host their own party too.
"Of course, I won't be working as promised. You have my full attention! I just brought home some stuff so that I won't have such a hard time when I get back." Clarke explained as she removed her gloves.
"So, you definitely have plans settling back here? No more staying in New York after you graduate?" Marcus inquired as he headed to the kitchen to prepare coffee.
"Well, let's just say that I'm open for possibilities but I'll definitely be back here. After all, I can't leave you all alone here, you're not getting any younger." Clarke chuckled as she followed Marcus to the kitchen.
"Why, excuse me, young lady, I can perfectly manage on my own. I've been managing for a long time now." Marcus remarked as he forced open a jar of ground coffee.
"I know, dad, It's just sometimes I miss you and I get home sick. Plus, the pace of life at New York is probably not for me. I'd rather sit here and discuss books with you until our coffees would get cold and stale." Clarke replied giving her step-father a side hug, her head lingering on his shoulder.
"Whatever you say, Clarke." Marcus pronounced as he gave his step-daughter an affectionate look. "How's your dating life by the way? It has been a year."
"Dad, you know my priorities, right?" Clarke sneered.
"So, that Wells boy that you always talk about and that T.A., what was her name, are not in the picture?" Marcus inquired as he leaned on the kitchen counter to face his daughter.
"Wells is only a friend, we always go out with our other friend, Monty. Jessica was just a one-time thing, it was just one date, and I found her quite belligerent and cocky." Clarke recollected.
"Okay, I'll take your word for it. Sorry to be blunt, dear daughter, but I had to ask. No sleeping around this time? No drinking?" Marcus inquired with a raised eyebrow.
"C'mon, dad, you know I've been sober since…" Clarke wanted to say 'since Lexa left me' but she couldn't finish her thoughts, she couldn't say her name. When she moved to New York in such an awful state, Marcus was afraid to see Clarke spiral so hard again. So, he begged her to see a therapist or go to a support group. Clarke obeyed her step-father and she had been sober since then. With regards to sleeping around, Clarke was past that stage. She figured she had enough of relationships for a while, going out with Jessica that one time was simply due to the insistence of Monty and Wells.
"I know, Clarke, I'm proud of you, you know that?" Marcus hugged his step-daughter.
"I know." Clarke replied softly.
Noticing the pregnant silence between them, Marcus shifted and took something out from one of the drawers in the base cabinets.
"This arrived for you a month ago." Marcus placed an elegant black envelope on the counter in front of Clarke.
Clarke opened the document carefully and was astounded by what she read. "Titus and Gustus are getting married?" Clarke asked enthusiastically.
"Yup, after the New Year's, you'll still be here by that time, right?" Marcus queried. "Plus, they'll be hosting a dinner party at their new house on the 23rd." Marcus informed.
"You've been in touch with Titus?" Clarke asked feebly.
"I met him in a gallery once…through Lexa." Marcus almost hesitated in mentioning Lexa's name.
"Its fine, dad, I think I'm working on it, you can say her name you know. I'm sorry for never introducing her to you personally, see was always away. How did you three meet?" Clarke assured Marcus that it was okay to talk about Lexa. She figured, if she had plans on returning to Arkadia, she was bound to see Lexa around Polis.
"I know how she looks, I met her there at the show and Titus was with her." Marcus explained, leaving out the information that he had already met Lexa at the airport the day Clarke left.
"Thank you for handling this well, dad. I know you were mad at her, too." Clarke supposed.
"I was a little bit mad, Clarke, maybe more of disappointed, but I was never furious. I can still act civil around people. So, have you heard from her?" Marcus asked cautiously.
"Not since that day." Clarke was referring to the day they broke up.
"Hmm, sooner or later, you should tie lose ends, you know. Just so you can go beyond this." Marcus advised.
"I know, dad. Soon, maybe." Clarke thought.
"So, will you be attending the wedding and the dinner party?" Marcus asked.
"I'll think about it." Clarke wondered whether she's in fact ready to face Lexa once again.
"Just tell me if you need a date to the wedding so that I could get my tux fixed up." Marcus joked to lighten the mood a little bit.
Lexa browsed through the aisles of a Polis supermarket, she was stocking up on liquor, snacks and meats for the holidays. She won't be visiting her parents this year, since they have decided to go on a cruise. This was her first time to spend her holidays alone. Before, she was typically with someone, either with Costia or her family, she had never felt the weight until now. This year, the quietness in her flat has brought Lexa into deep thought. Will it always be like this? I need to get used to this. However, with the wedding of her friends coming up, she had imagined that she would probably get through this scathe-free. Anya and Raven will be coming over for the New Year's to attend the wedding and she might not feel too lonely after all. Plus, she is Titus' 'best person' for the wedding, she'll have tasks to worry about; though the couple seem like they have everything under control. Gustus carefully planned out everything to be simple and utilitarian while Titus is just moderately involved, allowing Gustus to get the upper-hand in most of the decision-making (since Titus was a little overbearing in their relationship in the past). Now, Titus is taking the back seat and is taking advantage of Gustus' efficiency and their wedding planner's enthusiasm. After all, the couple just wants a simple yet genuine ceremony. In Gustus' words, 'I don't care about the color of the table napkins as long as the weather is sunny and warm'.
As Lexa carefully browsed through the aisles of fresh produce, she was startled when someone called out her name from behind her.
"Lexa?" she recognized that voice anywhere.
As Lexa turned to confirm her guess, she was face to face with a beaming and confident-looking woman. Her once classy and snobby appearance of high-heels, dark short dresses and gold or silver jewelry was replaced with wooden accessories, a head of Mohawk curls and she was wearing a light-colored patterned linen tunic. She almost did not recognized her physically without the make-up.
"Costia?" Lexa was caught in surprise. Almost as if she wanted to poke Costia to see if she was real.
"Of course, in the flesh." The woman in front of her replied.
"Are you back?" Lexa inquired weakly.
"Hah, I know you're the last person who's happy to see me but you look like you've seen a ghost, Lex." Costia joked. "Or maybe because I'm more of a ghost to you already."
"I'm sorry…" Lexa mumbled, too taken aback of this moment. Lexa never really thought that she would see Costia again, so she never really thought of how she'd react if she does see her.
"Don't be, I know how horrible I was. But to answer your question, yes, I'm back but only for the holidays. I've been doing some volunteer work, I'll be off after New Year's. Just taking a supply run myself" Costia replied enthusiastically, seemingly happy to have seen Lexa. "So, how are you? Are you having a party?" Costia eyed Lexa's cart of liquor, meats and snacks.
It took Lexa some time to answer, pondering about where she'll start or whether Costia had the right to ask such a question in the first place. But she realized that she was already beyond her, of course, she was startled but seeing Costia again reaffirmed her that she knew she was never ever going back to that road with her again. So, she just blurted out the first thing that came into mind, "Been working, and been all over the planet, same old, same old. No, party just stocking up."
"Still got that job, huh." Costia asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Of course and I'm still enjoying every bit of it." Lexa responded.
"Yeah, I still follow the magazine. So are you alone or are you here with someone?" Costia looked around to check if Lexa had company.
"Nope, I'm alone." Costia eyed Lexa taking note of that detail. "Just doing some grocery shopping before Anya arrives." Lexa explained.
"Oh, Anya is coming over?" Costia was never in good terms with Anya, they never saw each other eye to eye, so she was a little less enthusiastic with the information.
"After New Year's, she'll stay at my place with her girlfriend. Titus is getting married." Lexa informed casually.
"That's great news" Costia paused as if to hesitate but then suddenly lifted her ring finger for Lexa to see. "I'm also getting married soon, as well."
If Lexa knew about this years ago, she might have had a different reaction. However, at this point, she couldn't care less. She could only hope the best for Costia, this was when she realized that she might probably had forgiven her already.
"Wow, when?" was all Lexa could utter.
"Well, when I told you earlier that I was volunteering, I also went to different regions. There's this program on sustainable agriculture, I've been to many places engaging in workshops and community work. I met her during the Australian leg. We've been together for almost a year now." Costia shared.
"I can't believe that I'm saying this, but I'm really genuinely happy for you, Cos." Lexa realized that there was much truth to her words. Probably, seeing Costia again and feeling nothing but the triviality and timeliness of the news meant that she had actually forgiven her after everything that happened between them.
"Thank you, Lexa." Costia was a little bit teary eyed. "I never knew that we would reach this point. I would just want you to know that a lot of these good things in my life probably never happened if not for my realizations after 'us'". Costia placed a hand on Lexa's shoulder, Lexa knew she was being sincere.
Costia's words pierced through her but the effect was more of reprieve in a positive note rather than regret or despair. "I think I see things in a better light too. Probably, we just met at the wrong time in our lives." Lexa established.
"If you don't mind? Can I hug you now?" Costia offered in reluctance.
"Of course." Lexa eventually allowed this gesture, setting aside all the hurt and the pain. After all, she was done pinning over what could have been, a long time ago.
Clarke struggled with the big push cart behind Marcus. Since they were setting up decorations a bit late in the season, Marcus was frantic that they wouldn't be able to get everything on time. So, he dragged Clarke along at the supermarket to make sure that he got all the help that he needed. After purchasing all the LED strips that they would need, for their outdoor decorations. They needed to finish all the grocery shopping before heading out to get a tree. Marcus was so worried that there weren't any good ones left. Though still a little bit jet-lagged, Clarke played along her step-father's exhausting antics.
"Hey Clarke, I think we might need more chicken." Marcus examined the already brimming cart of goods.
"More chicken?" Clarke protested giving her step-father a confused stare.
"If we're having that party, I'll be making chicken wings. Go get some more." Marcus motioned Clarke to head back to the poultry section.
"Between the both of us, this is already so much food." Clarke pointed at their cart.
"Go gripe all you want, but you'll be the one heading back here in the awful weather if we don't get enough of everything." Marcus threatened his lazy daughter.
"Alright, alright, I'll go." Clarke raised her hands in submission.
"Just leave the cart with me, go meet me at the checkout counter once you've got everything." Marcus called out after Clarke as she headed towards the next aisle.
Clarke walked towards her destination mumbling about Marcus' weirdness during the holidays, until she found herself in an abrupt halt. She blinked several times, she couldn't believe what she just saw at the produce section. She backed towards the shelves near her and took a second glance at that same direction. She's not mistaken, she would always recognize that brown mane anywhere. Just a few aisles away from Clarke was an oblivious Lexa, she had her back at Clarke's direction. As Lexa moved, seemingly engrossed in a conversation with an attractive woman, Clarke caught a glimpse of the side of her face. Lexa was smiling, she looked happy, she was apparently close to the woman she was with. The woman touched Lexa's shoulder lightly, they looked at each other intently. From afar, Clarke could only assume one thing: Is this her new girlfriend? It was a year after all, no communication from Lexa whatsoever, she could even be married by now. As the other woman moved to hug Lexa, Clarke observed the tenderness in their movement. Too stunned by what she just witnessed, Clarke had forgotten why she was there in the first place. So, her initial reaction was to simply walk away and head back to Marcus. Clarke internally scolded herself as she paced towards the check-out counter. What was I even thinking?