Ghostin, a riverdale fanfic

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is the result of me not being able to stop thinking about how Toni lost her home, her family, and her girlfriend in such a short time span, and how, as Vanessa said, Toni hit rock bottom. And I was thinking how sad and lonely and depressed she must've felt. But just now I was thinking like. Wow. She must've been really fucking scared and lost, though, too. Like imagine losing everything slowly and suddenly having absolutely no direction or safe place like that's terrifying and confusing. She kept saying and stating that Cheryl loves her; I feel like she kept saying it as well to convince herself... and my heart hurts. And Cheryl went in there with her choice and mind made. Was it sad that she had to pick between Jason and Toni? Yeah, even though her decision was kind of dumb. But TONI is the one who would've really lost Cheryl. The point in that ultimatum Cheryl had to make was that she could only have Jason or Toni. She chose Jason, which meant she'd still 'have' him AND The Farm. Meanwhile, Toni would have no one (and no home). And although this story takes place during 3x18 and before the Prom episode (which was 3x20), I just want to say that I was genuinely grossed out at how they were portraying Cheryl from like 3x16 to 3x20. So her logic was Prom Queen The Farm Toni. She had to choose between The Farm and a fucking plastic crown and she chose the crown, but when it was Toni vs. The Farm, she chose The Farm? Cheryl didn't listen to Evelyn about Prom Queen and said "both" (when asked if she wanted to be part of The Farm or be Prom Queen) but listened to her when she told her break up with Toni... why couldn't she have said both then too?

"Jason's a ghost. I'm right here. You love me," Toni says to Cheryl in the most vulnerable tone of voice that the taller girl has ever heard her use.

"I'm sorry, Toni. I do love you..." Cheryl replies emotionally, tears streaming down her face "... but I've loved Jason my whole life," she adds as she turns to walk away before she can hurt Toni any further.

Too late.

Cheryl chose Jason over Toni, but what did that mean for her and the pink-haired girl? Were they broken up? Was Toni moving out (even though she had nowhere else to go)? She wasn't sure. All she was sure of was that she shouldn't have walked away from Toni in the locker room and that she really needed to talk to her.

Suddenly remembering that Toni was suicidal after their break up, the Blossom girl fears the worst when she returns to Thistlehouse later that day. The redhead makes a beeline into the house after almost stumbling out of her car. She makes it to her (and Toni's) room, only to discover that the shorter girl isn't there. She does, however, find a note, written in Toni's handwriting, left on their made-up bed. Hesitantly picking up the piece of paper, Cheryl begins to read:

Dear Cheryl,

I love you SO much, but I can't do this anymore. You promised me that you were going to come and talk to someone with me, meaning a therapist, but instead, you went and got yourself involved with a cult. I just want to know why. Did I not love you enough? Is that why you joined? I knew I shouldn't have ever burdened you with what I was feeling during our fight and break up. Maybe if I hadn't acted like such a baby and been such a terrible girlfriend that night you found me in the bathtub, then you wouldn't have joined The Farm. I know I've only known you for a year or so, and you've known Jason your whole life, but I was devastated when you picked him over me. Then I did almost exactly what I promised NOT to do... I was going to push my feelings (about your decision) down to comfort you by saying that there had to be another way and that we could figure it out, but then you walked away before I even got the chance. When you told me you had to pick between your brother or me, I already knew who you picked. He's your brother, your TWIN brother, of course, you were going to pick him over me. I was just your replacement for him, anyway. I tried putting myself in your shoes and thought that maybe I would choose someone else over you, too, and then I stopped and remembered that I have no one else that I could choose over you, Cheryl, even if I wanted to. I'm so utterly devoted to you and know how much it would hurt you if I chose another person. But put yourself in my shoes Cheryl; imagine having the love of your life look you in the eyes and tell you that she loves and cares more about and chooses a dead person over you. I don't know; I guess I just stupidly (and selfishly) hoped that my love was stronger than Jason's. I mean, he left you behind to be with Polly; KNOWING how you were treated at home and used you to do so. Jason chose Polly over you, but you chose Jason over me. I wanted a little distance because I felt overwhelmed and now you're just going to make me a second and third choice? And The Farm, Cheryl, their only intention of having you is manipulation and weird cult shit. I'm your girlfriend, the girl you love, who has done nothing but save you from yourself and other people and has given you endless support and love, and you chose a hallucination of a dead person and a cult over me. Cheryl, you were brainwashed, and that was NOT your fault. I know how hard it must've been for you to be in that position and for you to have to make that choice, but it just hurts that you were willing to give me up. I know part of you is fully aware that Jason isn't alive; when I tried to convince you he was dead and asked you if you hugged him recently, your smile faltered, and you paused before (obviously) lying and saying 'yes.' You know deep down he's gone but you'd still rather hold on to the hallucination of your brother and leave your girlfriend who has done so much for you. I love you more than anything, Cheryl but I feel like your love for me has boundaries, and that you don't put me first, but I don't care about anything but you, at this point. I just feel like I love you more than you love me. I wasn't good enough for my parents (they used and abused me and preferred drugs and alcohol over me), my uncle hated me for who I was (and tried to "turn me straight" on numerous occasions)... he wasn't any better than my parents, I'm not even sure if my grandpa even knows I exist (after what happened with my parents, he distanced himself from me and didn't seem to care at all about how my uncle, his son, was treating me), the Serpents could care less (they didn't even notice, never mind care, when I got kidnapped by the Ghoulies and not a single one of them, including you, spoke up for me when Jughead kicked me out) and you don't want me either (that was made clear to me today). You told me I was the most important person in your life, but I'm not; Jason is. I have no one other than you, Cheryl; you're all I have left. I just felt so alone after you walked away. I lost everyone in my entire life because they didn't deem me good enough to keep around. If you care to know where I am, I'm at the bridge between the northside and the southside. Last time I was here, I contemplated jumping, but then I thought of how I couldn't just leave you here alone after what happened with Jason. But you have "Jason" now so you're not alone, and you don't need me anymore... but I'll always need you. I just want you to know that I didn't give up on you, Cheryl, I could never give up on you; I gave up on myself. I'm sorry I wasn't what you (or anyone else) needed me to be.

Love, Toni

After reading Toni's suicide note, Cheryl's heart is pounding so loudly in her ears, but nothing else seems to matter to her except getting to Toni. She just hopes that she's not too late. Cheryl races out of Thistlehouse and into her car. She makes it to the bridge between the northside and the southside in record time. She was amazed that she made it without crashing, considering her clouded vision for the whole drive. Luckily, there was hardly anyone else on the road at the time. And now here she was, brain foggy and eyes flooded as she spots a small figure standing on the side of the bridge, past the barrier.

"Toni!" she shouts, panic and worries gripping her for the pink-haired girl that's dangerously close to her death.

At the sound of Cheryl's voice, Toni turns to face her with a look that Cheryl can only describe as "defeated." Cheryl lets out a muffled cry at the sight.

The smaller girl doesn't say anything; she's too busy thinking about how all the abuse, trauma, and heartbreak she had endured will all be swept away in a few minutes.

"Don't do it, TT! I love you!" Cheryl hysterically screams as she runs hard towards her girlfriend.

But her words come a little too late. Toni jumps as a profound ache lands inside Cheryl's chest and a howling wail of anguish rocks through her. She did this to her, to her TT, the only thing that made her feel whole, worthy, and sane.

The bridge isn't that high, Cheryl prays that the jump (or the impact) doesn't kill Toni. Only one way to find out. Cheryl doesn't even hesitate as she runs into Sweetwater River, the same place where she came to end her own life, to save Toni's life. Toni saved her in every way imaginable; it was time for Cheryl to return the favor.

Cheryl feels like the water breaks whatever spell The Farm had on her; of course, Jason wasn't alive; she saw his dead body. She doesn't want a repeat of that to happen with Toni, so she dives under the freezing water to pull up her tiny girlfriend as she struggles to bring them back to shore.

She gently places Toni on the ground as she looks for any injuries and checks her vitals. The side of Toni's head is bleeding, so the redhead assumes that she must've hit it on a rock. Cheryl also notices a trail of blood coming from in between Toni's legs. Cheryl just went down on her last night and Toni's period wasn't supposed to come for another two weeks, so she doesn't have a possible explanation for that.

The former Serpent still has a pulse, it's very weak, but it's there. Cheryl administers CPR, and after what feels like an eternity, Toni coughs up water, but she remains unconscious. Cheryl grabs her phone out of her pocket, hoping that it still works after being submerged in Sweetwater River. Thankfully, it does, and after Cheryl calls 911, she cradles Toni's almost lifeless body in her lap. Her head is bent over Toni's, her whole body shaking from the force of her anguish. The redhead clings to Toni as her sobs grow hard. She holds onto her as tight as she dares without hurting her further. Not even when Jason died had she lost herself like this. And so she sits, near the place where she came to take her own life, and holds the one bright light in her entire world as she waits for the ambulance to come. When the ambulance arrives, she pulls away, her breath still shuddering, tears unceasing and presses one last kiss on Toni's head.

Seeing Toni so helpless is hard for Cheryl to witness. Her ex-girlfriend is laid up in bed, wearing a hospital gown that looks way too big on her small frame. She has a cast on her arm and her leg, a white bandage covering her head and tubes and needles everywhere. Toni is terrified of needles so Cheryl's sort of glad that she's unconscious.

The redhead is trying to get comfortable in the chair she's sitting in next to Toni's bed when the hospital room door opens loudly.

"Hello, my name is Dr. Hadley. I'll be taking care of Miss Topaz," says a woman who looks to be in her thirties.

"Is she going to be okay?" Cheryl croaks out.

"It depends, of course, on how she heals. Miss Topaz-" she starts.

"Toni," Cheryl finishes.

"I'm sorry, Toni... cracked her head open and she has a severe concussion. Her right wrist is fractured, and she broke her left ankle. It also appears that she had a miscarriage; she was three weeks pregnant," the doctor finishes slowly.

After hearing the words 'miscarriage' and 'pregnant'... in regards to her Toni... Cheryl suddenly sits up straight, and her grip on Toni's hand tightens.

"Miscarriage? No, that's impossible. I'm her... was her girlfriend..." Cheryl says vehemently as her voice trails off. But Cheryl knows the doctor isn't lying because she saw proof of it earlier when blood was coming from in between Toni's legs.

As much as Cheryl wished it was possible, she knew her strap didn't knock the pink-haired girl up. But Toni was three weeks pregnant? That's how long ago her and Cheryl broke up. Even though they weren't together at the time and although the redhead practically accused Toni of cheating on her with Veronica, she knows Toni wasn't with anyone else when they were apart. There's no way that Toni knew she was pregnant either; if she consensually got pregnant, then she wouldn't have jumped off that bridge. No, her girlfriend was sexually assaulted. Cheryl knows for a FACT that it had to have been her uncle. When looking back at what Toni said that night when Cheryl found her crying in the bathtub and from what she said in her suicide note, all evidence points to him. Her throat tightened at the thought. Toni would've never been raped or have gotten pregnant if Cheryl hadn't had kicked her out and left Toni no choice but to go back to living with him.

Toni laying in a hospital bed wasn't how it was supposed to be. Her and Cheryl were supposed to go to Prom (and hopefully win Prom Queens), graduate from Riverdale High and then go to Highsmith College together. Then once they graduated from college, they would get married, and Cheryl would become Mrs. Topaz. And when they were ready to have kids, Toni would be the pregnant one... whether they used her egg or Cheryl's... and Cheryl was going to be the anxious mom/wife, making Toni take her vitamins, getting her all the food she wants, making her sit everywhere, asking about any pain, going to every single doctor's appointment while Toni rolls her eyes and has to reassure her. But now, those plans might not come to fruition. She has no idea what Toni's mental state is going to be like once she wakes up; she might not be the same girl that Cheryl fell in love with, and that terrifies her.

"Is there a chance that Toni could've gotten pregnant without her consent?" Dr. Hadley asks after seeing the horrified look on Cheryl's face.

Cheryl nods her head 'yes,' and even though she's 99% sure that it was Toni's uncle who did it, she doesn't have any proof and Toni's still unconscious so she can't exactly confirm or deny that accusation either.

"As soon as Toni wakes up and she's ready to talk about it, then we can start pressing charges," Dr. Hadley says softly. She then explains to Cheryl the treatment for Toni's miscarriage; she had a dilation and curettage (D&C) procedure done, and she also tells her that the common side effects include cramping, spotting or light bleeding.

Cheryl unconsciously nods her head as she removes her hand from Toni's and places both of her hands near her temples. She has no idea what the doctor is saying; the only things that she is hearing are that her girlfriend is alive and that they're going to get Toni justice for what her uncle did to her, that's all she cares about.

Cheryl's grateful for everything that Dr. Hadley has done for Toni but she wants her to leave already so she can have a minute to take in everything that has happened in the last 24 hours, but Dr. Hadley is still here, and she has even more to say:

"Since Toni attempted suicide, once she's medically stable enough, she'll have to be transferred to the psychiatric ward. It's here in the hospital but just on a different floor," she says solemnly.

"H-how l-long d-does s-she h-have t-to s-stay th-there?" Cheryl stutters out. She hasn't stopped crying since she read Toni's note and she's not sure if she'll ever stop crying, even when Toni wakes up.

"We'll have to keep her for at least 72 hours," she answers.

"A-and t-then w-what?" Cheryl asks nervously. Although she wants Toni to get better, she doesn't want her girlfriend to spend the rest of her life stuck in a mental hospital. Cheryl knows it's selfish, but she wants Toni to spend the rest of her life by her side.

"That all depends on her," the doctor says gently with a nod of her head towards Toni. "I know you must be blaming yourself, but it's not your fault. You saved her life, remember that" she honestly says while she adds: "We'll take care of her, but in the meantime, you take care of yourself," she pauses. "Please ring the call button when she wakes up."

Once Dr. Hadley leaves, Cheryl finally allows the wave of tears she's been holding back, fall. She's gasping and grappling for air, but as soon as she goes to grab Toni's hand again, she suddenly stops crying. Feeling Toni's small warm hand in hers is just a reminder that her girlfriend is still here and that's enough to dry Cheryl's tears.

The first time Cheryl witnessed Toni having a nightmare, she sang to her as she held her through the nightmare and ever since then, that always seemed to calm Toni down and put her at ease. So Cheryl starts to sing, in hopes that it will make Toni feel better this time around, too:

I know you hear me when I cry
I try to hold it in the night
While you're sleepin' next to me
But it's your arms that I need this time (This time)

Look at the cards that we've been dealt
If you were anybody else
Probably wouldn't last a day
Every tear's a rain parade from hell (From hell)

Baby, you do it so well
You been so understanding, you been so good
And I'm puttin' you through more than one ever should
And I'm hating myself 'cause you don't want to
Admit that it hurts you

I know that it breaks your heart when I cry again
Over him, mmh
I know that it breaks your heart when I cry again
'Stead of ghostin' him

We'll get through this, we'll get past this, I'm a girl with
A whole lot of baggage
But I love you, we'll get past this, I'm a girl with
A whole lot of baggage, yeah

Though I wish he were here instead
Don't want that living in your head
He just comes to visit me
When I'm dreaming every now and then (And then)
And after all that we been through (And after all that we been through)
There's so much to look forward to
What was done and what was said
Leave it all here in this bed with you (With you)

I know that it breaks your heart when I cry again
Over him, mmh
I know that it breaks your heart when I cry again
'Stead of ghostin' him

We'll get through this, we'll get past this, I'm a girl with
A whole lot of baggage
But I love you, we'll get past this, I'm a girl with
A whole lot of baggage, yeah

"My life would be nothing without you, Toni. You know that, don't you?" Cheryl asks quietly, even though she knows she's not going to get a response. "No one needs you more than I need you," she adds, as she rubs her thumb over the back of Toni's hand. She wanted to slap herself for telling Toni that she wasn't needed here; Cheryl will always need her.

She felt like the biggest idiot in the world; Toni told her just last night that she needed Cheryl in every way; "body, mind, and soul." Sure, Toni was horny as fuck and probably only said that because she wanted to get laid but Cheryl knows now that her girlfriend had been feeling neglected ever since Cheryl joined The Farm. One of Cheryl's biggest regrets is not telling Evelyn to 'fuck off' when she said that Cheryl had to choose between "Jason"/The Farm and Toni.

The redhead can't stop thinking about that look on Toni's face right as she was about to jump and as she was jumping; those are images that Cheryl knows will haunt her every time she closes her eyes. She'll always love Jason, but she needs to accept the fact that he's gone. Cheryl might've lost Jason, but Toni's not gone yet; Cheryl is beyond grateful that she has, not a second, but a third chance at making things right with Toni. The redhead needs to step up her girlfriend game. She may look at Toni like she loves her, but she hasn't been treating Toni like she loves her lately and that needs to change. She just found Toni, but she's been so close to losing her several times since then. Cheryl can't keep making Toni feel this way; she deserves better. Her TT is worthy of life and all that it has to offer. They will get past this.