Chapter 20

Tim opened his eyes. It wasn't light yet which meant it was still pretty early, but he was wide awake as sometimes happened when he took dramamine. He didn't know why it affected him so differently at different times, but it did. This time, he'd had the intense drowsiness, followed by the intense alertness. He rolled over and saw that Tony was still asleep and that it was not even six yet. Oh, well. That would be enough sleep.

He stared at Tony for a while, thinking about what had happened during the night. At first, when he'd heard Tony whispering, he'd been unsure what to do at all. In fact, he'd been paralyzed with worry that he'd do the wrong thing or that doing nothing would be the wrong thing or that he was misreading everything and Tony was fine. Then, when Tony had started to cry, Tim's shock that Tony would actually cry had broken through his worry and he'd simply done what he could.

Be there.

He wanted to do what he could, but Tony just wasn't the one who cried. Tim had known that Tony was upset about his dad dying, but he had to admit that he was surprised that he was upset enough to cry. He didn't begrudge him the tears at all. He just didn't know what to do about it. Had it been enough? Had he actually helped?

Tony might claim not to know what he was doing, but he sure put on a good show if he didn't. Tim felt like he was fumbling in the dark, hoping that he didn't grab hold of something deadly, and he felt like it was glaringly obvious that he had no idea what to do.

Then, he thought again about Tony's grief. Grief it had been. There was no question of that. But Tony's grief was complicated by the fact that his dad had been far from perfect. Tim had been able to see why Tony's dad had been able to charm people. He had been a schmoozer. He knew all the right things to say and do to get people to like him. It certainly had worked on both Abby and Ziva. Even Tim himself had been taken in, but at the same time, the more he was around, the less appealing he was when it became obvious that he was all style and no substance. The thing was that Tim could see some of that in Tony, in spite of Tony's obvious distaste at the comparison. Tony had that ability to be all style and no substance, but in Tony's case, it often covered what he was feeling. Perhaps it had been that way with his dad, too, but Tony had matured. Tony's dad never had. All the way to the end, it seemed.

There was a pain there, a pain that had nothing to do with his dad's death and everything to do with his life. Tim had hated to see it. He had seen some of it when he'd first got Tony to talk, but last night had been a level above that. Quietly, Tim reached over and pulled his own painful picture out of his wallet. A pain he could acknowledge but couldn't let go of. Delilah didn't know about this, and Tim knew what her reaction would be if she did: concern combined with resignation.

Tony's picture was at least related directly to himself. Tim had cut the picture out of the newspaper and hidden it in his wallet, knowing that no one would ever see it unless he got mugged.

He put the picture away again and then sat staring at Tony for a while longer, not wanting to get out of bed since he was pretty sure he'd wake Tony up and he probably needed the sleep. He did want to get going early, but he had no idea how long Tony had slept. Maybe it had still taken him a long time to fall asleep afterward. He should sleep.

Tim sat there for half an hour and then suddenly, Tony rolled over and his eyes were open. He sat up and raised an eyebrow.

"Comfy?" he asked.

Tim smiled a little. "Yeah. Are you all right?"

Tony accepted the concern surprisingly well. "Yeah. I'm all right. Thanks for being there."

"That's all I could do," Tim said, almost feeling ashamed of how little he'd done.

"That's what I needed," Tony said. "Where did you get that picture?"

Tim thought about pretending he didn't know what Tony was talking about. What had been easy to share in the dark was a lot more complicated by the light of day. He thought about trying to put the focus back on Tony where he knew it belonged and, at the same time, he knew that Tony wouldn't let him. So he just reached over and pulled it out again.

"About a year after... They had this follow-up story where they showed Admiral Jenkins and his kids and they also ran the picture from the funeral. This one," Tim said, holding it up. "It was about the family's recovery." Tim looked up. "Did you know that he remarried?"

"Really?"

"Yeah. About a year ago."

"How do you know that?"

"He told me. It was a bit of a shock when he came into the office. He asked to speak with me and... what could I say?"

"Nothing," Tony said.

"Exactly. So we went into a private room and he asked how I was doing. I tried to just say as little as possible, but he kept probing. He really wanted to know. So I told him about my family and all that. He said that he was glad. He knew that I'd had a rough time and he was glad to know that I'd managed to get through it. Then, he told me that he was healing, too. In fact, he had just remarried and he wanted me to know that, while he would always miss his wife, he was beginning to heal, and his kids were doing really well, too."

"You never told me," Tony said, raising an eyebrow.

"I know. I didn't tell Delilah, either. It was one of those times when I really didn't want to talk about it, and I couldn't just mention it without having to talk about it," Tim said. Then, he took a breath. "Tony, have you thought about talking to someone about your dad?"

"No. I haven't even been talking to my wife or my best friend about it. I'm certainly not thinking about talking to a stranger about it."

"Maybe you should," Tim said. "I'm no expert, but maybe it would help you...more than I could."

Tony got a look on his face that Tim couldn't quite figure out.

"Tim, why do you keep thinking that you're not doing any good?"

"Because I never have before. Not with this kind of thing. It's always me with the problem, and I don't know what to do when it's not me. I want to help, but I just don't know how. I probably botch it more than I help."

Tony turned to face Tim directly and let his feet fall to the floor with a thunk.

"Tim... As much as I hate to admit it, you're doing exactly the right thing...because you're forcing me to face all this stuff. You know me. I don't like to deal with the serious things. I don't like having the deep, meaningful discussions. I'm...shallow."

"No, you're not," Tim said. "Maybe you used to be, but you're not."

"If I'm not, it's because I can't be anymore. What I'm trying to get at here, Tim, is that you are doing good. I needed someone to be there last night, even if I tried not to. I'm still really ticked at myself that I'm so upset about my dad dying when logically he wasn't around anyway, but I needed someone here. I needed someone to help me through it. You did that. Sure, I'm not perfect yet. But I'm starting to see that I can't be. I'll get there, but not yet. And part of that is thanks to you. So stop thinking you're not good enough. You are."

"Bad habit."

"You're telling me," Tony said and smiled slightly.

Tim smiled back. Then, he felt like he had to ask again.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. Not any better than okay, but I'm okay. And you're right about talking to Jo. I really should."

"Yeah. Actually, I can't believe she let you avoid it."

Tony's smiled widened slightly. "Actually, neither can I. Well, you can have the bathroom first. Then, we should get breakfast and get going. Any ideas about where to stop on our way down?"

"Yes, but I can't tell you where it is."

"Why not?"

Tim grinned. "Because I can't pronounce it. I'll show you later."

Then, he went into the bathroom.

They both got ready fairly quickly, packed up their stuff, ate breakfast and got on their way, with Tim in the driver's seat this time.

"How far to Boston?" Tim asked.

"On the freeway?"

"Yeah."

"If we just take I-295 straight down, it should only take us a couple of hours," Tony said. "Oh, you wanted to stop at the state capitol building!"

"I was half asleep when I said that," Tim said, feeling a little embarrassed by his own suggestion. "We don't have to."

"Yeah, we do!" Tony said. "It's not far from here, either." He looked at some info on his phone. "And I don't think we'll need to bother going inside."

"Why not?"

"Well, because it's not open until eight, and you have to go through security screening. I think we should just go and look, take a few pictures and get on our way."

"Okay. Fine by me," Tim said.

Tony gave Tim directions to the Maine State House and they parked in the free lot near the grounds. Then, they got out and walked over to the building. The grounds were lovely and green, and the State House was not huge but still interesting to look at. They took turns posing on the steps in front of the main entrance and then took their time meandering back to the car.

"How much longer do you think we'll be able to do this?" Tim asked.

"Stop at the capitol building?" Tony asked.

Tim smiled a little. "No. Go on these road trips. Neither of our lives are getting less complicated. As our kids get older, it's only going to be harder."

Tony slung an arm around Tim's shoulders.

"Then, we'll just have to be more determined to keep doing it. Our wives both think it's important and so that helps."

"Yeah. How long will we keep that up?" Tim asked.

Tony grinned. "I guess as long as we both have things that need addressing. And since we're both pretty messed up, I think that'll be forever. We'll always have a reason to go."

"Do we need a reason, though? Is that the only reason you like going?" Tim asked.

Tony stopped and looked him in the eye. Tim was surprised at how serious Tony suddenly had become.

"No, Tim. We never need a reason. Or at least, the only reason we need is that we're friends. That's the best reason there is and the only one we'll ever need. Even if there are other things going on, that's all we need."

Tim felt a surprising lump in his throat and he just smiled. Tony seemed to get it and they just started walking again. They got to the car and Tim cleared his throat quickly.

"Ready to increase the noise by a factor of twenty?"

"Only twenty?" Tony asked. "I guess you think Tommy will be worn out by his doting grandparents."

Tim laughed and put the car in gear.

"You never know."

"I think we both know that the factor will be at least a hundred."

"Maybe more."

They got on their way down. It was an easy drive and Tim was glad of it. The freeway wasn't always free. They did have to pay tolls a couple of times, but that was all right. He could handle that. As they drove, they listened to music, talked about random things and, in general, just tried to relax after some of the emotional excess of the trip. It was funny that there had been so much serious stuff on this trip when Tim had started it thinking they were finally going to have a trip that was just fun.

It was never just fun.

In a way, it was disappointing, but at the same time, wasn't that what real friendship was about? They had fun, but they were also willing to get into the serious, sometimes uncomfortable stuff when it was necessary. Tim hoped that he was right about that. He'd still enjoyed the trip, even with the stuff that had come up, and he was glad to know about what Tony was going through, even if it was hard for him to know what to do about it.

"You're getting a very serious expression on your face, Probie," Tony said after some silence. "I don't like that."

"Just thinking."

"Well, don't think so hard that you stop paying attention to the road."

"I wouldn't do that. Delilah would kill me," Tim said, smiling.

"Oh, so you don't care about what you might do to me?"

"Oh, was that what you were getting at?" Tim asked.

Tony slugged him on the shoulder, albeit lightly. Neither of them wanted Tim to be forced to jerk the wheel because of a sudden jolt.

Tim didn't know how Tony was feeling, but while a part of him regretted that their part of the trip was over, he was also missing Tommy and was glad to be getting back to him. So as they drew nearer to Boston, he was eager to get there so that they could finish the road trip with Tommy's enthusiastic questions. Tony thought it was hard to deal with, but Tim loved that Tommy was so interested in everything.

They pulled up in front of the house and parked.

Tim looked at Tony and grinned.

"You ready?"

"I guess I have to be," Tony said. "I'll let you go first to absorb the primary blast."

Tim laughed and got out of the car, then, walked quickly to the front door and knocked.