Chapter 22

As they drove down from Massachusetts, they jumped off of I-84 to I-78 and went through Pennsylvania. They stopped here and there to take some pictures and let Tommy run around, but he actually fell asleep for part of the drive which made things much quieter for a little while.

Then, as they were driving, Tony noticed a billboard.

"Roadside America. Indoor miniature village. Huh," he said. "Want to stop?"

"Sure," Tim said. "Tommy, do you want to see a mini village?"

Tommy was just waking up so he was a little groggy.

"Yes, Daddy," he said without much enthusiasm.

"Wow. Is that the first time he hasn't shouted about something?" Tony asked.

"On this trip, probably," Tim said. "He'll get more alert."

"Shucks."

Tim laughed and slugged Tony. "You love his enthusiasm and you know it."

"I know you love it, and that's good enough for me."

"Is it?"

Tony glanced at him. "Yeah, it is. I told you before that I like seeing you be a dad, Tim. Part of that is how much you love all the things Tommy does."

Tim didn't seem to know what to say and instead looked out the windshield.

"Don't miss the exit."

"I won't."

Tony took the exit and headed for the building called Roadside America. He really wasn't sure what to expect with this. He'd never heard of it, but it had its own billboard. ...but then, so did Wall Drug and the Corn Palace. The building wasn't all that impressive, but the sign was unmistakable, so he parked in the lot.

"I'm picturing something like Barbies."

"I have no idea," Tim said. "You going to be able to walk?"

"I'm not that feeble, Probie," Tony said, although he could still feel the bruises and the pulled muscles from his semi-successful attempt to hold Tim over his head.

Tommy got out of his booster seat and climbed out of the car as Tim did. Tony was still amused at how protective Tim was. He might even go a little overboard, but he did still expect things of Tommy that would help him as he grew up.

"Well, we're here. Let's see. Are you ready, Tommy?" Tony asked.

Tommy was now more awake.

"Yes!"

"Good. Let's go."

They went inside and paid. They were fortunate in that Tommy was still five years old and that meant that he was still free. Then, they walked into the display area and Tony stopped for a moment in surprise.

"Daddy! Look! It's the whole world, only tiny!" Tommy said.

"It sure does look like that, doesn't it," Tim said. "I had no idea what it would be. Did you?"

"Not a clue. I'm not sure if I'm amazed or shocked," Tony said.

"Maybe both," Tim said.

But then, Tommy wanted a closer look. He grabbed Tim's hand and started pulling him forward.

"Look, Daddy!"

"I'm looking, Tommy."

The space was huge and it was full of a tiny village, but it wasn't the whole world tiny. It was a chronology of how the town would look from pioneer times to the present...or at least pretty close to the present.

"Daddy, there are trains! They're moving!"

They walked all around the display. It was monstrous. And so detailed. Trees, buildings, cars, people. Nothing was lacking. The most amazing thing was that it had all been built by one man. He had continued adding to it until he had died in the 1960s. It was amazing.

Tommy was enthralled. He was constantly pointing out the different objects and pushing every button that was there to be pushed.

"Daddy, what's a hurdy-gurdy?" Tommy asked, sounding out the strange words.

"I don't know. Push the button and see."

"Okay!"

Tommy pushed the button and music started to play. It sounded like a cross between a violin and a bagpipe.

"Weird!" Tommy said, sounding delighted.

They kept going, walking along, taking pictures, posing for pictures and pointing out the details that they could see. They actually stayed in the place for an hour and Tommy didn't get tired of it at all. He loved it because he never ran out of things to see. There was always something new to point out as being particularly amazing. There were multiple trains. There was a circus. There were lights. The people going about their days. At the end, they got a picture of the three of them with the village spread out behind them. Then, it was back outside, blinking in the daylight.

"Wow. That was amazing," Tim said. "I've never seen anything like it."

"Did you like it, Tommy?" Tony asked.

"Yes! There were horses! And people and..." Tommy began listing off everything they'd just seen.

"Definitely worth stopping for," Tim said, as Tommy kept talking.

"Definitely, even if Tommy won't stop talking about it."

"It's genetic," Tim said and grinned. "We probably should think about stopping driving soon. It's getting close to dinnertime and Tommy will need his sleep."

"Okay. Let's get in the car and see what's ahead of us."

"Tommy, do you want to talk to Mom about what we saw?" Tim asked.

"Yes!"

"Okay. I'll call her, but don't put any other buttons, okay?"

"Okay!"

Tim dialed home and then handed his phone back to Tommy.

"Mommy, guess what we saw!" Tommy said excitedly.

Tony could only guess what Delilah was thinking as Tommy began to describe the village. With Tommy momentarily distracted, Tony pulled out his own phone while Tim got out the atlas and they began to evaluate how much further they'd go that day.

"Harrisburg looks like it's not too much further," Tim said. "There's got to be hotels there."

"I'm sure there are," Tony said. He did a search. "Looks like there are plenty."

"Any with two bedrooms like we had in New York? That was really convenient."

"More expensive."

"I'm willing to make up the difference."

"Okay." Tony searched again. "Yep. There are a few in Harrisburg. Hilton, Red Lion."

"Good. Pick one of them and we can go."

"Daddy, Mommy wants to talk to you," Tommy said, pushing the phone forward.

Tim took it and grinned at Tony. "Hey, Delilah." He paused. "Yeah. We're going to get to Harrisburg tonight, have dinner and get started down to Monticello in the morning. We should be there by noon at the very latest."

"As long as someone doesn't oversleep," Tony said, grinning.

Tim ignored him.

"I'll call you when we leave Monticello, so you know when to expect us home. Yes, I miss you, too. Love you. Bye."

Tim hung up.

"I'm ready to go. Tommy, we're going to drive for about an hour and then we'll get dinner, okay?"

"Okay!"

Decision made, they drove to Harrisburg.

"Daddy, where are all these people going?" Tommy asked.

"I'll bet they're going home. It's evening, so it's after work," Tim said.

"Is that like what you do?"

"Yep."

"Tony, do you drive home after work, too?" Tommy asked.

"Yep," Tony said.

"There are a lot of cars."

"Yes, there are."

"There are a lot of cars with only one person."

"Yep."

There was a moment of blissful silence.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah?"

"How many cars are there in the whole world?"

"I don't know."

"Can you guess?"

"Well, I don't know. Let's see..."

And this was when Tony really was amazed by Tim's patience and simply enjoyed Tim's parenting. Instead of tossing something out or shutting down Tommy's question, Tim was actually thinking about it. He wanted to answer but he'd already said that he didn't know. So he was guessing. ...because his son had expressed an interest in knowing. Tommy wouldn't even remember it after a few minutes, but Tim didn't care about that. He cared about answering his son's question.

"...and there are lots of people who don't have cars at all."

"Why not?" Tommy asked.

"People who live in cities can walk or take the subway or something. In some places, there aren't any roads to drive cars on. In some places, people are too poor to have cars. So if we take that into account, then..."

And Tony felt a pang, knowing his own father would never have done this. He wouldn't even have been paying attention enough to hear the question in the first place and if Tony had actually repeated himself (something he had given up doing pretty quickly), he would have simply blown off the question as irrelevant and pointless...which it was, but still...

"...and so if we cut the population of the world by half as people who don't have cars at all and then, we look at what's left, and we cut out the people who are too young or too old or whatever to drive, I'd guess that there are one to two billion cars in the world."

"How much is a billion?" Tommy asked.

Tim looked at Tony and smiled as he started to explain what a billion was. Tony loved hearing all this, not because he cared about the answers but because he loved what it demonstrated, and that little vein of envy reared up once more as he wished that he'd had a father like Tim when he was Tommy's age.

...and then, he thought of the photo in his wallet. As close as he'd ever come.

Finally, Tommy's curiosity was satisfied for a while. They made it to Harrisburg, stopped to get dinner and then went straight to their hotel. Tommy was already starting to droop, but Tim wanted him to get clean and so he took him into the bathroom and made sure he took a bath and didn't fall asleep while he was in there. Tony took that opportunity to call home.

"Hey, Tony. Where are you?" Jo asked as soon as she answered.

"Harrisburg," Tony said.

"Are you on track for Monticello?"

"Yep. We'll call as soon as we leave tomorrow, but we'll probably get there before noon."

"Great. So how has it been?"

"Good. ...and you were right."

"About what?"

"About my dad."

"You told him?"

"Yeah."

"And how did he take it?"

"Honestly...I'm lucky he was willing to talk about it later."

"I told you, Tony," Jo said.

"You did. And you were right about other things, too. And so was Tim...when he read me the riot act."

"So...what are you saying?"

"I'm saying that... as much as I wish it wasn't, it's a big deal and it's bothering me."

"I know you don't like to admit that, Tony, but there's no weakness in what you're feeling. Grace and Daniel are a lot the same in some ways. That's why you're so good with them. They know you understand, even if it's not conscious. You're a wonderful father, Tony. And I probably don't say that enough, but you are."

"Well, I don't want to be the father I had," Tony said, keeping his voice low.

"You'll never be that, but there's no shame in admitting you need help sometimes."

"I know."

He could almost see Jo's knowing smile.

"Where are Grace and Daniel?"

"They're out in the backyard. I told them they weren't allowed inside until dinner was ready, but then, they ran back out as soon as dinner was over, and I decided it wasn't worth it to force them back in to clean up."

"I've missed you guys, Jo. I was glad for the vacation, but I'll be glad to get home again."

"Good...because I've missed you, too. More than I can say. I love you, Tony."

"Love you, too. See you tomorrow."

"Bye."

Tony hung up and leaned back. He heard Tim taking Tommy out of the bathroom and into the bedroom.

"Stay with me, Daddy," Tommy said, sleepily.

"Okay. I will, but you need to lay down and close your eyes," Tim said.

"Okay."

Tony figured that Tim would just stay in the other room, but he wasn't very tired at the moment, so he sat on the couch and just stared up at the ceiling for a while. He hadn't really wanted to admit to how he felt, but if Tim knew, then, Jo should know, too. He sighed. He really hated that he was so upset about his father dying, but it wasn't quite as bad as it had been before he'd talked about it.

That was something, anyway.

Then, he was startled by Tim sitting down beside him. He sat up quickly.

"I thought you'd just go to sleep in there," he said.

Tim shrugged. "Not tired yet. Are you all right?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"When I was trying to guess how many cars were in the world, you looked bothered or something, and I'm pretty sure that it had nothing to do with irritation that I was guessing about it."

"No, it didn't."

"Then, what was it?"

"You'll think this sounds pretty silly, but I was jealous of Tommy," Tony said and forced himself to smile.

"Why?" Tim asked, not smiling.

"Because he has you for a dad."

Now, Tim looked uncomfortable. He looked away.

"Tony, I'm really not perfect. I told you before that I make lots of mistakes."

"And I told you, it's not about being the perfect father. Tim, the worst thing I could ever have said about my dad was that he just didn't care. I could have dealt with a lot of mistakes, even really bad ones, even when he left me behind in the hotel room, if he had just cared about me, but he didn't. He remembered me because I put charges on his credit card. It wasn't because he cared about me. He never did, and I'm jealous of Tommy, not because he has a perfect dad, but because he has a dad who cares. He has a dad who wants to answer his questions, who is willing to think about those questions, who is a little overprotective because he cares so much. That's what I wish I'd had. Not a perfect father but one who cared about me. And that's the father I'm trying to be with my kids. The one who really cares, even if he screws things up."

"You are that, Tony. I saw Grace's expression when you were leaving. She wanted you to come back, and you acknowledged it but also assured her that you were coming back. You didn't just give in to her fear. You're doing an amazing job."

"So are you."

"Yeah. Except when I'm not."

"Nope, Tim. You're not allowed to do that because we both know where that can lead."

Tim leaned forward and clasped his hands together.

"I just hate knowing what I put my family through. And everyone can tell me that it's okay, that it's in the past, but Tommy proved to me that it's not."

"When?" Tony asked, furrowing his brow.

"When he overreacted to a friend's comments because he was afraid that I would feel bad again. Even if it's not a conscious memory, Tommy still remembers how bad I was." He looked at Tony. "How many years will it take for him to set that aside?"

"Hey, Tim. No. It is in the past and Tommy is fine. He loves you and he cares about you, and he trusts you. That means it's okay, even if he does have that kind of reaction. And if you forgive yourself, then, over time, Tommy won't even think about it himself, either. If you make a big deal out of it, then, Tommy will think it's a big deal."

Tim shook his head and stared at the floor. "You don't want to be like your father, Tony. I don't blame you. I don't want to be like myself. I was dangerous. What if I'd had a complete breakdown? What if I'd taken it out on my family? At least you don't have to worry about that."

Tony grabbed Tim by the shoulders and shook him a little.

"No, Tim! You can't start that again. I know it still happens sometimes, and I'm sorry that talking about all this brought it out again, but you didn't hurt your family like you think you did. They were afraid for you and they were sad, but they weren't afraid of you. So stop it. You are a good father and a good husband and a good person. So knock it off!"

To his credit, Tim managed to smile at the way Tony phrased it, but Tony could see the regret in Tim's eyes. He was about to apologize for making things about him. It was his biggest worry, ever since his breakdown after Allison Jenkins' death. He never wanted to take precedence over anyone else. He wanted his problems to be minor and in the background and others to be in the forefront.

"And don't you dare apologize," Tony added, but he grinned as he said it.

Tim actually laughed.

"It's funny, you know. I'll go along and feel completely normal for weeks, even months at a time, no problems and then... out of nowhere, it'll just hit me right between the eyes. I don't know why." He took a breath and shook his head. "Thanks for stopping me from being stupid."

"Nope. Not stupid. You're fine. I know about it and now you know about my stupid stuff, too. So either we're both stupid or neither of us are."

"And I take it I can't just say we both are?"

Tony smiled. "Nope. Not allowed."

"Okay. Anyway, trip's almost over."

"Yep, and it was a good one, Tim. Even our fight was helpful. So it was a good one. We can put this on the good side."

Tim looked at him significantly. "How many are on the bad side?"

"Well..." Tony actually gave it some real thought. How many would he put on the bad side? "I'd say only one...maybe two at most."

"The first one and the fifth one."

"Yeah. But I'd say that the fifth one was worse, even if you might not agree. I was genuinely afraid of what was going to happen to you and I screwed up by forcing you to talk to Gibbs too soon. The first one wasn't great because I didn't know what was going on, but you told me pretty early on. And you can't beat Wall Drug."

"And the Corn Palace."

"Exactly. But only those two. All the others are good, even when there was serious stuff in the middle."

"Okay." Tim took a breath and stood up. "I'm going to see if I can get to sleep."

"Me, too. See ya in the morning."

Tim walked into the bedroom and closed the door. Tony sat there for a few more minutes, thinking about what Tim had said. He knew that Tim's problems were long-term, and he accepted it. It was a good thing, too, because he was never ready when Tim suddenly got upset, but he knew that Tim wasn't usually ready for it, either...because it was pretty rare nowadays.

And more importantly, Tim was still trying to be better and that made all the difference.

He cared.

Tony nodded to himself. Even with the problems, Tony had a family he had come to rely on because they cared.

One more day.

He went to bed.