Disclaimer: The Mass Effect universe is the property of Bioware/Electronic Arts. No infringement of these copyrights is intended as this is a not for profit fan fiction work.

Rewrite Notes: Still inspired by the Beyonce song "Save the Hero," from the album I am…Sasha Fierce.

Author's Notes: The PTSD treatment described here is still very experimental, but the FDA has given MDMA 'breakthough' status (only 200 other drugs have ever been assigned this status in the history of the FDA's existence) which means the first clinical trials were exceptionally promising. Certainly, it's very hopeful that there might actually be a decisive treatment for PTSD around the corner. Search for PTSD and MDMA in your browser and look for the Science Mag article from Aug 26, 2017 which gives the actual results of the first clinical trials and for the article which gives a first-hand account of the treatment. Everything else mentioned PTSD related is my own completely unprofessional opinion based on my reading of various articles about how memories and treatments work. I may be totally wrong, but it seems like the worst thing you can do to yourself is focus on a traumatic event and 'relive it over and over' in your mind. I'm not saying not to deal with it, but to deal with it in the right therapeutic setting and to get in that therapeutic setting as quickly as possible. Speaking about your memories sends them through the 'logical' side of your brain and reduces the emotional content of them, which seems to be why talking about the traumatic memory helps. This seems to be what the MDMA trials focuses and expands on, it's an interesting interaction, and from what those who have been through the trials are saying its extremely effective. Personally, I'm crossing my fingers for this to truly be as helpful as it seems at this stage of the clinical trials.

Revision History: 11/24/2017; 6/6/2018

Part 1: Chapter 6::36 hrs. Post Awakening: MSV Menrva/Normandy SR-2

"So, what's up with all the paint?" Jack asked curiously she entered the conference room behind Shepard, "and is this the Menrva or the Normandy." The tattooed woman inquired in a snarky tone.

"Yes," Shepard responded dryly, "This was supposed to be the Normandy SR-2, but I didn't think that advertising who we were outside of Citadel space was a great idea so we're in the process of re-identifying her as the MSV Menrva."

"Yea, no shit," Jack snarled as she stared off angrily into space. "Not that many humans out in the Terminus systems, makes you easy to spot."

"Bounty hunter pick you up?" She inquired, keeping her tone carefully neutral, with those tattoos Jack must have really stood out from the crowd.

"Yea," Jack jerked her gaze toward her with a glare, she opened her mouth as if she was going to say something else…

"Welcome to the Menrva, Jack," Miranda said as she strode into the room, "we weren't introduced before but I am Miranda Lawson, Shepard's second-in-command. Before we go any further I want you to understand one thing, on this ship we follow orders." Shepard's eyebrows rose, both at the hypocrisy of the Cerberus Operative, who had yet to take even so much as a suggestion from her without arguing over it, making such a statement, and the tone the woman was taking with their newest team member. Jack was already uncertain about being here at all, taking such a tone with her was certainly not going to keep her here instead of taking a walk at the next port.

Jack turned toward her, "Tell the Cerberus cheerleader to back the fuck off Shepard," the tattooed convict snarled, "I'm only here because of our deal."

"And I'm not breaking it, Miranda will let you into the system," Shepard responded promptly, keeping her manner calm and controlled. "Let me know what you find," a note of sincerity added to that, and she wasn't acting, after listening to Jack she dearly wanted to know the details of how and why Cerberus had been kidnapping young biotic children and then experimenting on them in such a way that Jack would describe it as torture. It sounded like one more reason among many to take out the terrorist group if she had a decent shot at doing it. She was aware that Miranda at least seemed to think she should be grateful to Cerberus for bringing her back to live, but honestly the jury was really out on that one. Something…something told her that where she had been…had been wonderful.

"Hear that precious," Jack taunted Miranda, dragging Shepard's attention back to the other two women, "We're going to be friends." Her tone shifted to one more that was more serious and threatening, "You, me, and every embarrassing little Cerberus secret." The two women stared at one another, each one making it obvious they didn't like the other one bit. This was going to be a problem and a headache, Shepard knew, fighting back the urge to snap angrily at the both of them for falling into behavior that was more suited to two teenagers posturing at each other. "I'll be reading in the hold, or somewhere in the lower decks," Jack turned and walked toward the door. "I don't like a lot of through traffic, so keep your people off me," the woman added without looking back at either of them.

Shepard watched as Jack strode out of the briefing room, her walk cocky as she had gotten what she wanted from them. Access to the files Cerberus had on her. She turned to the angry woman standing across from her. Miranda was definitely upset, "You shouldn't have given her those files," tersely said the black-haired woman.

It was time to get her supposed second-in-command to start thinking about certain things that just didn't add up, decided Shepard. "You do realize that the Illusive Man couldn't have expected us to pick her up and her just agree to work with us because he paid for her to be released right?" Shepard pointed out, "Especially given her very reasonable antagonistic attitude toward Cerberus. I certainly wouldn't just join back up with a group that had tortured me as a child without a very big juicy carrot being dangled in front of me."

Miranda frowned at her, her gaze becoming less angry and more thoughtful. "You think he knew she would ask for the information?" She sounded doubtful.

Shepard shrugged, "I'm just saying he had to have known we would have to give her a reason to work with us, and it would have to be something she wanted badly enough." She paused a moment for that to sink in, "He strikes me as the type of person who thinks several moves ahead, and he did give us the dossier on her." She huffed out an annoyed breath as she realized something herself, "Which means there won't be anything in our databases on her that he doesn't want her to find anyway."

"That's…" Miranda paused frowning as she considered it. "That's probably true," she admitted after a moment.

Shepard had to admit Miranda's continued presence, and her claiming of the second-in-command position on the ship confused her. The operative seemed like a competent administrator and a decent, if not inspired, leader - but only so long as everyone already acknowledged her right to lead and followed her orders perfectly. However, actual life was seldom like that, people weren't mechs. They didn't follow orders perfectly and they instinctively evaluated you, looking for a reason to follow you, and if they didn't find it part of them would always mistrust and doubt your decisions. When you led people into situations that could easily get them killed, it was essential that you had the trust of that deep-down animal part of themselves. That part of them had to be certain that obeying your orders, even when their instincts were screaming at them that there was a good chance of dying if they did, was actually their best chance of survival. Your people had to be able to trust in you, and not just in your tactical ability.

That was where Miranda failed spectacularly, and she didn't even seem to understand that she needed to instill that type of trust in the people she led. Which meant that Miranda wasn't used to leading combat teams, or at least she hadn't been called upon to lead them with any frequency. She had probably either operated alone, or lead research type teams exactly like the Lazarus Project. Why then was the woman serving as her second-in-command instead of being assigned to lead another research project? She seemed much better suited for that type of position than playing at being a biotic combat specialist. Jacob seemed to be a fairly competent soldier, nothing spectacular, but solid and dependable. More importantly, he had a clue about what he was doing instead of needing her to babysit him during combat, which was what she found herself doing with Miranda. On the prison ship she had needed to keep constant track of the operative. What she was doing and when, and forget expecting her to actually communicate what she was about to do with her team or team leader.

On that ship there had been Jacob and she, and then Miranda. Once Jack had joined them, there had been Jacob and she, and Miranda and Jack dangerously playing one-upmanship with one another. They were going to get her killed if she didn't do something about the situation. However, there was a much larger question looming over all of this, supposedly she was supposed to be going up against the Collectors to stop them from taking any more human colonists. This was definitely a mission that warranted a team of well-trained elite level special forces types. The equivalent of an entire platoon's worth of N-type operatives. What did she get from Cerberus after they spent 4 billion on bringing her back to life? One ex-Corsair marine of average ability; one strong biotic with some combat training, but no training in how to operate as a team member; and now one ex-convict very strong biotic with absolutely no military training and no interest on being on the same team as the other two at all. It was…mind boggling honestly, thought Shepard.

"So," Shepard glanced up at Miranda questioningly, "You said we would talk about your undocumented biotic abilities once we were back on the station." The dark-haired woman looked pointedly around them.

"Actually, you said that," commented Shepard, then smirked at the other woman's frown, "but yes, lets discuss my biotic abilities. How about we start with how are my biotics are so much stronger now and then we can move on from there?"

The other woman stared at her for a moment with narrowed eyes, then finally nodded, "Alright, you already know about your L5n implant. It gives you about a 20% increase in power over your old L3 implant and should match the L4 series in terms of safety and lack of side effects. It contains an on-board VI interface for external monitoring and fine tuning to your specific physiology." She tilted her head slightly to the side in thought, "In fact we should probably go see Dr. Chakwas about pulling the information from it, and I'll see if there are any modifications I can make to the VI to optimize it and reduce the chances of you getting another over-exhaustion headache."

"Fine," Shepard grunted, "I've got some questions for her too, so we might as well discuss everything in one go instead of repeating it multiple times." She didn't let Miranda argue with her, but decided to borrow a page from Jack and just leave for where she wanted to go without permitting any further discussion.

Since the conference room was on the second deck and the medical bay on the third, Shepard first made her way to the elevator. As Miranda joined her, she ignored the frowning dark-haired woman standing opposite her as it descended to the next deck in favor of figuring out what exactly she wanted to say to Dr. Chakwas. She was hardly going to mention that she was recalling entire prothean memories…or that they were so vivid that she forgot who she was entirely while recalling them. She had to assume that everything that went on in the ship was being monitored and that included the medical bay and the doctor's medical records. She highly doubted Cerberus or TIM had any respect for privacy rights.

"Dr. Chakwas?" the older woman seemed to be completely engrossed in whatever she was reading as Shepard and Miranda entered the Medical bay.

The grey-haired woman swiveled around in her chair to face them, "Commander, Operative Lawson, is there something I can do for you two?"

"Could you pull the data from my implant, Doctor," Shepard requested politely, "Miranda wants to take a look at it and see if there are any optimizations that can be done."

"So that you can possibly maintain two distinct mass effect fields, one of which, though it was a barrier, was not a personal barrier, for a longer period time without stressing your implant and nervous system and going into biotic over-exhaustion," Miranda added with a snap to her voice.

Dr. Chakwas' green eyes narrowed, "Not a personal barrier?"

"Indeed," Miranda stalked closer, "And she was going to explain how she went from knowing how to execute the basic set of biotics attacks taught to every vanguard by the Alliance to knowing how to execute such advanced biotic techniques such as a true biotic charge, a biotic flash-step, a four meter across biotic sphere, and the previously mentioned dual mass effect fields."

Shepard rolled her eyes, "It wasn't that hard, even before this new implant I could maintain a barrier and throw around some attacks at the same time. Most biotics with any amount of training can unless they have very little biotic ability. Granted this was a directed barrier, but it was still a barrier field. And as for the other biotic abilities you already know that I've come into contact with more than one prothean beacon." She skillfully dismissed the biotics techniques she had performed with a combination of misdirection and outright lying. Dr. Chakwas knew about what had happened on Feros, but the Council had classified the existence of the Cipher itself as well as how she had attained it. With any luck Cerberus did not know about it, and if they didn't she planned on keeping it that way.

That seemed to surprise Miranda, "You got these from the beacon on Virmire? I thought that just contained a more complete record of the Ilos message?"

Now to finish selling her misleading concoction. "Actually," she leaned against the cabinet behind her, "both of them contained more than just the message. That was just the last thing transmitted to both of them. It's just taken me awhile to un-jumble everything, and still I only have confusing bits and pieces of imagery floating around in my head. Sometimes I dream of short sequences of messages. Those at least are easier for me to understand."

"So, you learned these biotic techniques from the previous beacon messages?" Dr. Chakwas inquired.

Shepard mentally blessed her for helping the deception along, "Before I didn't have the biotic power or the fine control to perform them. I suspect the new implant is responsible for my increased ability to finely control my biotics, but even a 20% increase over my L3 implant can't account for the level of power or reserve I'm experiencing now." She directed the last comment pointedly toward Miranda.

The Cerberus operative narrowed her eyes at the shift in subject, but did deign to answer her. "We exposed your eezo nodules to element zero, to increase their density."

Shepard frowned at the answer as from what she knew it didn't seem very likely. "I thought element zero exposure only caused the development of eezo nodules in fetus's or even more rarely young people with underdeveloped eezo nodules during puberty."

Miranda hesitated a moment before admitting, "Normally that would be true, but we used an experimental process to temporarily force yours into a receptive state similar to the condition underdeveloped nodules are in during puberty."

"So, this process could be used on anyone to increase the density of their mass effect nodules?" Shepard questioned as her thoughts churned in unpleasant directions. Was this part of what Cerberus had been working on in their experiments with Jack and the other biotic children?

"Perhaps with more research work, it might, but for now the process is too random and unstable." Miranda's blue eyes met hers, "Quite frankly it would have killed a living person, but you were frozen at the time. We were able to temporarily insulate your eezo nodules from your neural tissues and drain the mass effect field fluctuations that occurred due to the additional exposure so that they didn't send you into convulsions and burn out your neural pathways."

Shepard remembered the report about her body being exposed to vacuum and subzero temperatures. "I was a Spectrecicle?" she couldn't help it, she started chuckling. It just struck her as funny, and it was a better option than getting upset over the way she had died.

Both Chakwas and Miranda stared at her, with slightly shocked expressions. Miranda recovered first, a smirk curving her lips, "Yes you were, if you hadn't been we wouldn't have even attempted it."

Shepard was a bit surprised that it was Miranda out of the two woman who first understood her black humor. She quirked a smile at the black-haired woman, "So you made my eezo nodules larger and that along with the new L5n amplifier increased my biotic abilities."

"Correct, and the procedure worked much better than we had hoped, your eezo nodules more than doubled in size. Eezo nodule size is only a rough measurement of biotic ability of course, but judging from the data we have on asari your abilities should be on par with the median to upper range of a matron of their species. I'm very curious to see how you progress as is the Illusive Man."

Miranda's tone sounded odd. Shepard eyed her more closely, she had sounded jealous? Perhaps because she now seemed to be a more powerful biotic? That seemed petty of the dark-haired woman, but possible. "It certainly seems to have," Shepard confirmed, thinking back to what she had been able to do on the prison ship compared to what she recalled of her biotic abilities before her death. "So," she continued after a long moment during which everyone was apparently lost in their thoughts, "I think that has both of our questions answered, how my biotics got so strong and how I learned those techniques…and maybe more in the future. No telling what else is hiding around in those memories."

"Yes," Miranda looked a bit bemused by that possibility, "well, thank you. You've certainly given me a lot to think about." She turned as if to leave, then hesitated almost broadcasting a sense of uncertainty. Finally the dark-haired woman asked, "Would you be willing to teach Jacob and I that prothean barrier method? It seemed very strong and yet as if it didn't take much of your reserve to maintain."

Perhaps she should have expected such a request, yet honestly enough other things had been going on in her mind that it really hadn't been on her radar. Yet, perhaps this was just the opportunity she needed… "Certainly, she responded, I'll see if Jack wants to join us," she ignored the grimace that flitted across Miranda's face. "The sooner we can start operating together as a cohesive team the greater the chance of us actually managing to stop the Collectors."

The Cerberus Operative looked as if she had bitten into something sour for just a moment before her expression smoothed over, "Of course Commander, the better we are at coordinating with one another the greater our chances of success."

Shepard quirked a terse smile, "Yes, the trip back to to the shuttle was interesting. Its fortunate that the guards seemed just as uncoordinated in their attacks."

Miranda had the grace to flush in embarrassment, between the two of them they had almost caught Shepard in a point blank biotic explosion. Fortunately, she had seen what was about to happen and flash-stepped out of the way.

"Let me think about how to teach it," Shepard continued, "and then I'll arrange a training time with everyone."

The dark-haired woman nodded, "Thank you Commander," she responded and then left the medical bay.

Shepard watched the closed doors for a few seconds before returning her attention to the other woman in the room. She went over to the chair arranged on the other side of the Doctor's desk and slumped down into it. "Probably not a surprise," she commented, "but I'm having flashbacks to my death. I'd like to get that treated before it becomes more troublesome than me just having issues with controlling my breathing while wearing a helmet."

"That's…," the grey-haired woman inclined her head, "not surprising." She met Shepard's silver eye gaze, "I gather you don't want to talk to Ms. Chambers?"

Amanda snorted, "Ms. Cerberus is just misunderstood? No, I don't think so. I know you're certified and did it on the Normandy. Do you have the drug you need, or do I need to figure out how to get some?"

Chakwas raised one eyebrow, "We do have a small stock on-board, but I'd rather give standard therapy methods a chance of working before using it." She leveled a serious look Shepard's direction, "Unless you're concerned about slipping into a panic attack?"

Amanda gave the question the seriousness it warranted, was she in danger of going into a panic attack? Slowly she shook her head, "I don't think so," she said with a frown, "it's just that its…a very overwhelming memory."

The Doctor held up one hand, indicating that she should wait then activated her terminal and typed in a few commands. Shepard looked over in curiosity as a privacy barrier began lowering over the windows to the galley and then she noticed that the door control panel was lit red, indicating that they were now locked. "There," Chakwas said with a note of satisfaction, "Now let's continue, overwhelming how?"

Amanda frowned pondering the question, "Actually," she hesitated for a moment and then with an annoyed shake of her head finally continued, "actually its all of my memories that seem a bit overwhelming." She grimaced, "It's like I'm there…again. I can recall exactly how I felt, how things sounded, how they smelled. Its," she let out a huff of breath, "eerie actually. Memories aren't supposed to be like this," she met Karin's concerned green eyed gaze for a moment and then glanced away before continuing. "And it's not just the memory of how I died, or the memories since then. It's… old memories as well, things I thought I had forgotten." She reached up, rubbed her forehead, "I can remember my sixth birthday party, who was there, what gifts I got and who gave them to me. My mother made me a German chocolate cake with cream cheese icing, my favorite kind. There's pieces missing from my memories of it, I can tell because things jump around and some memories are just sensory snippets like how the cake tasted, and how warm it was that day, how the insects sounded in the distance and the sound of the other people in the colony talking and working, but the bits I remember don't seem any different than any of my memories of what happened earlier today."

"And even those are wrong," Shepard continued, her voice low, troubled, "I shouldn't remember so well how the air smelt on that station. Exactly how our footsteps sounded on the metal grating, the sound of yelling in the distance." She closed her eyes, "All I have to do is think about it and it's like I was actually back there right now everything is so real." She knew her tone betrayed how bothered she was by this alteration, but seriously your memories weren't supposed to just drastically change on you.

Across from her Chakwas leaned back in her chair with a deep frown, "Your memories sound almost drell like," she observed thoughtfully.

"Drell…" Shepard dredged up what information she remembered on the reptilian humanoids whose world had failed due to over industrialization. Those that remained had been saved by the hanar and now lived on Kajhe, the hanar home world. Some of them were trained from a very young age to be assassins, she recalled from her N level training and were reputed to be some of the galaxies best. "I've never actually met one."

"There aren't many of them; it's not surprising we've never run into one." Chakwas stared at her thoughtfully for a moment before speaking again, "And that definitely means that I don't want to use MDMA on you without understanding what's going with your memories. MDMA both keeps you from being overwhelmed by your emotions, and at the same time helps prevent you from being numbed to them. That's what makes it such a therapeutic aid for treating post traumatic stress disorder. But with what you've described to me, and without understanding what is happening and why, I don't dare give you any psychotropic drugs. There's no telling what odd interactions might happen, or what you might experience. It might even make your symptoms worse."

Amanda grimaced, she had really hoped for the relatively quick fix. She understood where Chakwas was coming from however, and truth be told, she was a bit concerned about the possibilities the Doctor brought up as well. "Alright, slow but safe way it is," she agreed.

"Good," the Doctor responded, "Now, I have a question for you, it's perfectly understandable that your death should result in some psychological issues, but to what extent do you think your memory changes are exacerbating the effects?"

Shepard leaned back in the chair and considered the question, one of the things you learned during N training was that you were more likely than other military members to be placed in situations that were psychologically difficult. You were trained on methods to deal with such situations, first as much as possible don't dwell on anything until you had a chance to get proper medical and psychological attention, memories were odd, you could literally make them worse over time due to the way that memories were stored within your mind. Each time you referenced a memory you re-wrote it, if you reference it and focused on how traumatizing it was then you could make it more traumatizing. If you referenced it, and then passed it through the 'logical' side of the brain by speaking about it with a therapist then you could overwrite it with a version that was less traumatizing. Thus, in N training you were taught to not overly dwell on anything troubling in a mission until you were back from it and had a chance to speak about whatever it was with your assigned councilor. The Systems Alliance had taken the lessons of the past to heart, and a soldier's psychological health was treated exactly like their physical. Soldiers got hurt, physically and psychologically, you were expected to make sure both were treated and healed before you went out on another mission. "Yes, definitely they are, it would be easier for me to deal with them if they weren't so…" she hesitated, searching for the correct words, "intense and…well 'fresh' in my mind so to speak." She frowned and growled in annoyance, "Usually things properly fade some, become easier to deal with, but these aren't."

"Hmm," Dr. Chakwas frowned in thought, "then I'd like to run a full neural scan on you," she indicated one of the medical beds "and I believe we need to consult Ms. Lawson to see if she knows why your memories have been altered. The only possibility I can think of is it's a side effect of a process they used during their reconstruction of your body. After that I'd like to schedule regular psychological therapeutic session with you, make sure you don't become traumatized by your memories. After we learn exactly what Cerberus did and whether or not there are likely to be any complications, we can come back to the possibility of using MDMA to treat your psychological symptoms."

Shepard allowed herself one resigned sigh before she sat down on the medical bed that Chakwas had indicated and then laid down on it while the Doctor set up for her scans. She didn't like the idea of giving Cerberus any more information than they already had on her. Not one bit, but she couldn't ignore this issue and just hope it went away on its own without becoming worse.

One hour later:

Miranda frowned, tapped her lower lip for a moment with one finger, looking introspective. The Cerberus operative raised her head, "An unexpected side effect from our efforts to preserve your memories," Miranda commented her frown deepening, "though perhaps we should have anticipated it."

"Ms. Lawson?" Chakwas inquired, she was standing beside her desk, the monitor on it showing the results of Shepard's neural scans. The Doctor and Miranda had just been going over them while Shepard watched and hid how much she disliked having to pull in the Cerberus operative into this, but they needed answers.

"We knew it would take a significant amount of time to repair all the damage to Shepard's body," Miranda responded to Chakwas's question, then she turned to address Shepard directly, "We were concerned about your memories degrading past any hope of recovery before we were done. Wilson suggested we use a cocktail of drell neurochemicals and flood your neural tissue with them to keep your memories stable for as long as needed. Drell have perfect long-term memories, they don't degrade over time or become less accessible like human memories. And of course it worked, you remember who you are and you remember your past. The fact that your memories seem to have improved however, and still seem to be affected…that is surprising."

"Not really," Chakwas spoke up, gaining their attention, "the drell neurochemicals may have permanently changed the long-term potentiation or LTP of the synaptic connections that control memory in the commander's brain and altered the functioning of the transfer of memories between short term and long-term memory through the hippocampus. Drell brain structure allows for perfect recall due to three main reasons, they have improved tetanic stimulation of a single pathway to a synapse; they have improved synaptic cooperation in accessing their memories; and they have better LTP synaptic pathway persistence."

Seeing Shepard's confused expression, Dr. Chakwas tried a slightly different explanation, "In the human brain often only one memory pathway will be activated and that may be too weak a response to actually access the memory, but if several associated pathways are activated for the same memory then there is a greater chance of success. Commander it's impossible for your memories to have actually changed, but what might have improved is your ability to activate the synaptic pathways to them. Or to put it in another way, you may be accessing them in a more drell-like manner allowing you to recall memories that were always there, but you were simply not able to access before."

Alright, neuroscience was not her field, but Amanda thought she understood what Chakwas was telling her. "So my memories will always be this way, be drell-like, from now on?" Shepard questioned uncertainly. She didn't know how she felt about that, would her memories always be so intense and overwhelming?

"I'm not certain" Miranda didn't look pleased at having to give that answer, probably because she didn't know the answer. Shepard suspected that Ms. Lawson did not like to appear in any way as less than perfect. "Unfortunately, Wilson was the one who came up with the idea and had the best understanding of it. I'll send out a message, ask the other scientists who worked with the Lazarus Project for answers."