Hello everyone :) I know it's been a while but I made myself a promise awhile back that I wouldn't apologize for not producing chapters during the semester anymore. Sometimes my school work has to come first. But either way, I'm back! I'm done with finals in a week, yay! Then it's the holiday season. Anyways here's the next installment of Life and Lies, hope you enjoy!
So far I know there are a lot of questions. A lot of what everyone is asking about relate to things that will come out in time. This isn't my first time jump story but it's a bit more complicated as it contains blatantly missing plot elements. Don't be too quick to judge Chuck for not wanting Blair in his life anymore, it's been four years at this point and there's a lot that's happened that I haven't filled in the blanks for just yet. The Hamptons will be explained in full in chapter six by way of flashback everything else will come gradually.
To the anonymous reviewer who asked: the story is set four years after Season 4. Chuck and Blair have finished college and Blair has completed 2 years of law school so it would be year 2015.
Just a note - yes there is a home office and a work office, I'll try to make it clear when Chuck is in which one
To my reviewers: Cherieluvsbooks, Stella296, LeftWriter224, GGfan73104, wrighthangal, Chuckandblair, tinamarie333, CarolinaGirl21, Annie, Kadlin, LukePeyTLA, zero2hero, LitPrincess2787, Maribells, annablake, and Cherry Red Glittery Explosion Baby. Thank you so much for each and everyone of your reviews. It's a funny juxtaposition between those of you who are hardcore Blair fans and hardcore Chuck fans as you have such different perspectives; however after last night's episode I think we can all agree to be friends don't you :) CB Forever
To my beta ggff-fan - you are amazing!
Chapter 4: Fighter
May 2014 - The New Yorker
Chuck slammed his hand down on his desk groaning loudly. "Damn it."
"What's wrong?" Gwen asked concerned as she turned the corner into his office. She was wearing one of his button downs which she'd thrown on to go make breakfast; but she'd heard him shuffling in his office so she'd decided to say good morning first. He normally waited until after breakfast for business.
Chuck sighed as he looked up at her while shaking his head. He could feel the migraine coming on already but seeing her standing there one hand casually holding onto the door frame brought a small smile to his features. "Good morning."
Gwen returned his smile as she took a few steps into his office. "Good morning." As she spoke she continued walking towards him, taking a seat on the edge of his desk. "Now tell me what's wrong."
Chuck couldn't help the smile that was now fixed on his face. Part of it was just seeing her but honestly another part was due to the fact that she was as business savvy as he was. She knew that while love and pleasantries were nice, that business strategy was still important and if he was up this early doing something then it was probably something critical. So with an exhale he continued. "It's Victrola."
"Again?" She asked carefully, her voice light but still rational.
Chuck nodded rather solemnly. "It's not bringing in any more revenue than it used to. There's no growth whatsoever. And with the rising prices for electricity and liquor that means -"
"That you aren't in the black." Gwen finished as she pursed her lips.
Again Chuck nodded, flipping through a couple of pages before him. "Victrola needs to be rebranded." His forehead wrinkled as he once more shook his head. "Damn it."
Gwen ran a hand through her tousled hair holding it there for a moment. "And you don't have the time or energy for that." She spoke exhaling. "Not if we want to open the Los Angeles Fleur-de-lis in the next few months."
"I don't know what I'm going to do." Chuck said quietly. He knew his voice conveyed clearly his frustration. "I tried getting new management, I tried hiring a marketer; but I just don't trust anyone but myself when it comes to Victrola and I'm not letting it die."
Gwen inhaled deeply before saying her next words. She wasn't sure how he'd take them but she knew it needed to be said. "Chuck…" She spoke softly to get his attention. When he met her eyes she gave him an almost sad smile. "I know what Victrola means to you. It was your first. But you have to consider the possibility that it's time to sell it." She saw Chuck's eyes widen, clearly he hadn't even considered that thought.
"Gwen. . .I can't just sell it." Chuck spoke, his voice almost sounding confused.
"Chuck I know you don't want to. I know that symbolically Victrola is everything you stood for." Gwen started as she looked at him lovingly, before saying words she knew would make him understand what she was saying. "But it's not what you stand for."
Chuck could feel his heart beat quicken as her words began to get to him and for the first time in a very long time he thought of Blair; Blair encouraging him to pursue Victrola, Blair dancing on the stage on opening night, Blair saving him from the rooftop when his father died. Victrola was symbolic of Blair in so many ways. "Victrola is like a piece of me Gwen. I built its image from the ground up. It's part of me."
She could see him swallow tightly as he began to consider her words but she'd been thinking about this for a while, now was just the right time, she knew that now she just had to convince him. "You aren't that guy anymore. And that isn't a bad thing Chuck. We have a new brand of night clubs together and we've been talking about expanding that to restaurants and hotels. Victrola just doesn't fit. It's not a part of that. And one day you're going to have to let it go."
Chuck's breath caught in his throat as he heard her words because she wasn't just right about Victrola, she was right about Blair too even though she hadn't been consciously talking about that. Maybe he was holding onto Victrola because he was still holding onto Blair. "I think you're right." Chuck spoke his voice almost shaking as he exhaled.
He felt unsteady all over as he realized that it was true, he was still holding onto Blair and Victrola. He was still holding onto his past and he had to let that go. He'd have to let that go or he'd never be happy. Because Blair was never coming back. Looking up at Gwen he felt a certain calmness ease through him, centering him once more. She was right, it was time to let go.
Chuck exhaled as he sat at his home office desk, the papers sitting in front of him were blurring together. He'd found a buyer for Victrola in perfect timing. Gwen was getting home today; he was leaving any minute to go to pick her up from the airport. He knew she'd be thrilled that he'd finally found a buyer. The only problem was that he still didn't feel good about it.
He couldn't help thinking back to the first time that she'd suggested he sell Victrola and the calmness he'd felt upon making his decision yet now he didn't feel calm at all. He felt now that selling Victrola might be the worst mistake he'd ever make. There wasn't any way to explain it but some part of him just wouldn't sign the papers. Yet he needed to have something. He'd promised Gwen a surprise and now much like the sale of Victrola, he wasn't feeling good about the other surprise.
Reaching into the desk of his home office, he removed the ring box. It was brown, almost mahogany in color. Firm and solid like Gwen. Running his thumb along the top he couldn't help but compare it to the texture of another very different box, one sitting in the desk of his office at work, one he shouldn't be thinking about. Rolling his shoulders he tried to brush away thoughts of the other box. The last thing he needed to be thinking about right now was Blair. Not when he was trying to make this decision.
Opening the ring box he stared at the ring - a diamond with a sapphire on either side - and focused on the women he'd brought it for. He'd planned on proposing in the airport as soon as he saw her but a tightening in his gut was practically screaming that he just wasn't ready. As sure as he'd thought he'd seen Blair coming home had shaken things for him. He wasn't really focused on what he wanted right now, not like he had been a few weeks ago.
The last thing he wanted right now was to propose too soon or for the wrong reasons. A proposal should be special. He shouldn't be thinking about what he'd be gaining by marrying Gwen or the fact that it would ensure Blair would give up. He should be thinking about everything that he and Gwen would mean to each other for the rest of their lives. So regardless of the fact that he'd been planning this for months; he couldn't do it now if it wouldn't be all about Gwen.
Sighing, he extracted another jewelry box, a necklace he'd purchased - diamond and sapphire - that perfectly matched the engagement ring. Maybe today he'd just give her the necklace - that could serve as the surprise. Maybe he'd save the engagement for a time when it would be perfect, a time when he would know that it was just about Gwen and him, a time when Blair was once more gone from his thoughts.
Slipping both the necklace box and the ring box into his briefcase he stood, it was time to go get Gwen. He knew that once he was at the airport he'd know what decision to make. Gwen was his rock, she was his center, when he saw her he'd just know.
Serena shot Nate a concerned look as Blair avidly told 'her side' of the story. This wasn't the first Serena had heard about the situation at Victrola the other night but regardless she was inclined to agree with Chuck and Nate. It was hard for her because Blair was her best friend but there was just so much about this that didn't make sense. "What did you think was going to happen B? That he'd suddenly change his mind because you stripped for him? Taking your clothes off in public to get a guys attention isn't the Blair Waldorf I know." Serena spoke almost scoldingly.
Blair's eyes narrowed as she appraised Serena. She didn't want to anger her friend who seemed to be disappointed in her, Serena might be the only ally she had left as Dan had made it clear over the phone that he didn't have any sway with Chuck. "I don't know what I thought would happen, I certainly didn't think he was just going to send me away. But I wasn't stripping, not really, I was reminding him of us."
Serena shook her head. "B, I don't think he's forgotten what you look like without your clothes on nor will half the people in Victrola."
Blair gasped slightly affronted. She hadn't guessed that Serena of all people would feel this way about the situation but she could see her friend's claws right now. She knew well enough to know that if she wasn't careful she'd push Serena away and that was the last thing she wanted. Just as she was about to explain herself she heard Nate, who'd remained largely silent this afternoon, speak.
"That's not what she was reminding him of." Nate spoke, his voice low and unreadable; though he drew both Serena and Blair's attention immediately. Serena was curious, Blair was practically aghast. Nate simply stared before continuing. "Blair was recreating the night she lost her virginity to Chuck."
Serena's eyes flew open as Blair's narrowed, so Chuck had been confiding in Nate. Either way the comment served her own purpose and as Serena looked to Blair with a question in her eyes she shrugged. "He's right, the night I slept with Chuck, I danced for him at Victrola."
"No, last night you danced FOR Chuck, the first time you were dancing for yourself." Nate's voice was almost a bark as he spoke, he'd been grappling with these emotions for the past few days. He was uncertain about Chuck's feelings for Blair really being gone but he understood that even if they weren't Chuck couldn't be with Blair. Not after everything Chuck had told him; but he was still wary of Blair ability to manipulate him and convince him otherwise once more especially since something told him that while Chuck had told him a lot about his former relationship with Blair there was still more he was in the dark about so much. The confusion was causing him to become agitated. "At least that's the story the way Chuck tells it, do correct me if I'm misinformed."
Blair shook her head slightly, not certain where Nate was taking this but surprised that he was so on point. "No, you're right. When I danced at Victrola for the first time it was like my emancipation, it was all for me."
Nate nodded. "There's your difference."
"Is that why he was so angry?" Blair asked, alarm mixed with a tinge of excitement filling her voice. If that's what Chuck was angry about, if that's why he pushed her away, she could still fix this.
Nate shook his head, groaning quietly. "Yes and no. How do you not see this Blair? To him that stunt you pulled was like a slap in the face to memories with you he still cares about."
Blair rolled her eyes, a small sigh escaping her lips. "I care about those memories too, I cherish them, that's what I was trying to remind Chuck of. He is simply being incorrigible. If he remembered, really remembered then he wouldn't keep pushing me away."
Leaning forward, Nate's voice increased incrementally in volume. "You're not getting it Blair? If you'd been dancing for the reasons you had been the first time maybe he would have seen things differently, but you weren't. You were trying to play some kind of mental war with him."
"I was not." Blair spoke, her voice high in pitch. As a certain amount of righteousness settled in. She didn't know what Nate had been told but he certainly was in no place to say what she was or wasn't thinking.
"You were too." Nate responded, voice still increasing in volume and he and Blair seemed to be preparing to throw temper tantrums worthy of their 5 year old selves. "You're playing with him, trying to tease and manipulate your way back in. You're still the same girl you were four years ago, he grew up and moved on."
"Guys-" Serena started, trying to cut in and stop this argument before it escalated. Not that she had any idea what was going on, she simply knew that if they didn't stop soon they would end up in a screaming match. She'd never seen Nate quite so angry, especially not at Blair.
But Blair disregarded Serena's attempts, her next words practically a hiss. "How dare you make these kind of assumptions about me, I'm just doing whatever I have to do to get him back. What would your advice be oh great one? Would you just tell me to give up?"
"Quit playing games!" Nate practically spat. "That's my advice Blair. If you want him back then quit playing games and show him that you've changed."
Serena looked back and forth between her boyfriend and her best friend, barely following at the rate they were going. Blair looked shocked at Nate's last words and Nate just looked exhausted. She'd clearly missed more than she'd thought. It appeared that Nate's recent conversations with Chuck had been much more enlightening than her recent ones with Blair. It was something she'd ask later because now clearly wasn't the time to chime in.
What a waste of time, the thought crossed my mind
But I never missed a beat
Blair was practically frozen in shock, Nate had just snapped at her - he never did that. What was worse was that she was pretty sure that his opinion of her had changed quite drastically in the past few days and she didn't like it at all. She didn't want to play games , she wasn't trying to, she just didn't know how else to reach Chuck. "I'm not the same girl either Nate, it's not fair for you to make that assumption just because it's the easy one to make. If you want the whole issue to be black and white I can't stop you. I get it, I left Chuck, I gave him up and I don't have a right to come and ask for that back but I'm asking anyway."
Can't explain the who or what I was
Trying to believe
Nate sighed as he seemed to collapse back into his seat. It was incredible how it felt to simply release some of his frustration from the past few days. He hadn't meant to go off on Blair but at the same time he'd been so confused about everything and nothing she was saying made any sense, or it made perfect sense but was a lie. He was as done with the games as Chuck. But he didn't want to lose Blair as a friend. "I'm not saying everything has to be easy and clean cut; or that Chuck never did anything wrong, we know he did. I'm just saying that you waited until after someone else had picked up the pieces and cleaned up your mess to come back for him."
He watched as Blair swallowed, continued watching as her breathing quickened, he could see in her eyes that she acknowledged that he had a point, so he decided to drive that point home. "And on top of all of that, you aren't going about it the right way."
What would you do?
What would you do?
Do you know?
Blair sighed. As much as it hurt she knew that Nate's words were at least somewhat valid. She had left and from everything she'd heard since coming back Gwen was responsible for the fact that Chuck was okay. Because honestly she was at as much of a loss as everyone else as to what to do in these situations. She'd never been the chaser, never had to truly make up for a mistake like this one. "Then how would you have me go about it?"
"I don't know." Nate spoke softly as he shook his head. "Maybe I wouldn't."
When it became clear that Nate had finally seemed to have gotten everything off his chest and Blair seemed appropriately subdued, Serena interjecting, speaking for the first time in several minutes. "B, I don't get it. Why now? Why after four years did you change your mind?" Maybe if she just understood Blair then she'd be able to help, maybe then she'd be able to help her fight for Chuck.
I once had a grip on everything
It feels better to let go
Blair sighed again because she didn't know what to say, again. How did she explain the revelation that she'd had that night whilst studying. In truth she'd been feeling it for so long, slowly creeping up on her as she planned her wedding to Austin; but that one night something had just snapped and she'd known. "Because I'm an idiot for thinking I could run away from this, and so is he."
Nate sighed rather loudly as he heard Blair loud and clear. That was the same line she'd used on him the other day and it had worked like a charm; but it hadn't done either of them any good. "I'm not buying it Blair, what is it that made you decide now after he finally got over you?" His eyes said, you tricked me once with those words, you won't get me again.
I'm not over
I'm not over you just yet
Blair ran a hand through her hair. She wanted them to understand, she really did, but how do you tell anyone - even your best friends - what she'd come to realize about herself. She'd been lying to herself for years, running from Chuck, her mom, Serena, Nate, New York, everything, only to find she'd really just been running from herself. She'd been so scared of knowing who she was and not liking it about not living up to her own expectations that she'd run so far away that she thought her past couldn't catch up to her. "I screwed up, I know that. I ran as far away as I could and I don't deserve to get him back but that doesn't change the fact that I love him. I'm always going to love him and I refuse to believe he doesn't love me"
Cannot hide it
You're not that easy to forget
I'm not over
"He's in love with Gwen." Serena spoke, her voice tense. She didn't know how to get through to Blair and she was getting angrier by the minute. She wanted to be able to be there for her best friend but she was so lost. Nate was right that Blair's behavior was borderline destructive even though she wasn't trying to destroy anything. It was as though her very presence had shaken all of New York until it was out of whack. They'd forgotten what it meant to be around Blair Waldorf.
Blair looked as though she were going to deny it when Nate spoke. "Blair, this isn't like Eva or Raina. What he feels for Gwen is so much more than that. I helped you the other day but I was wrong. I did it because you're Blair and I think on some level I wanted you to be right, I wanted you and Chuck to end up together - God knows we've been through enough."
Never took the chance, could've jump the fence
I was scared of my own two feet
Blair shook her head slowly. "How do you know that I'm not right? How do you know that Chuck and I aren't meant for each other?" She asked imploringly.
Nate exhaled ready to say words he knew she didn't want to hear. "Because I watched him put himself back together after you. I watched him change and I watched him fall in love with someone else. And I'm starting to think that the only reason you want him is because he's off limits."
Couldn't cross the line, it was black and white
No contrast to be seen
Blair's eyes narrowed at Nate as she stared him down. Switching her gaze to Serena whose face was quickly losing color. "Is that how you feel too?" She asked with a raised eyebrow.
Swallowing tightly Serena inhaled slowly. "I think that you're not being honest with yourself. Whatever happened with Austin we can work it out, I'm sure you can call him and fix things but this isn't the answer Blair. You're the one who chose this, Chuck's had to live with this for a long time, you aren't being fair to him by coming back after leaving like you did."
What would you do?
What would you do?
Do you know?
Blair gritted her teeth tightly. In that moment she wanted nothing more than to lash out at them. They were her best friends how could they think so little of her. Slowly she had to remind herself that she'd left them too and everything she'd neglected to tell them was her choice. "Regardless of what happens with Chuck, I'm not going back to Austin. I just have to work out just how to get him back. Which would be easier if you guys would help me." While they weren't her favorite scheming partners, they were really all she had to work with at the moment.
Was it all a joke, never had control
I'm not better on my own
Nate was practically seething by the time Blair finished her sentence. He was so fucking frustrated right now. He felt like he was being yanked back and forth and he was tired off it. "You've got to stop playing games Blair. If you actually want him back then you have to earn him back and trying to ruin his life isn't going to do that."
Serena's head snapped towards Nate. All of his earlier anger at Blair seemed to have continued to multiply over the past few minutes. She wanted to say something to ease the tension in the room but she didn't know that there was anything to say. She was actually thankful when Blair spoke again.
I'm not over
I'm not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
She hadn't anticipated this anger from Nate, or quite this resistance from Serena. She needed them to be on her side with this or at very least she needed to know what she was up against. Yet all she seemed to know was that Nate wasn't happy about her behavior and Chuck was apparently really in love with Gwen. As much as she hated to admit it she supposed it was true if everyone was saying it.
Blair's next words were careful. "This isn't a game for me." Her voice was quiet and slightly unsteady which might have been the thing that drew the attention of Nate and Serena away from their own distracting thoughts and back to Blair.
You're not that easy to forget
I'm not over
It was almost as though the room were vibrating with the promise of what she was about to reveal. "I've been flippant because I didn't want to admit how scared I am. I thought that if I was confident and determined enough that I wouldn't have to admit the fact that I'm absolutely terrified that I'm too late."
There was almost a collective exhale in the room as both Serena and Nate seemed to finally see their friend again instead of seeing a girl who they'd barely felt they recognized. But it was once more Blair who spoke. "The night I left Austin, I was writing and erasing Chuck's name on the guest list and I was hit with this paralyzing realization that this was all real and I was about to marry someone else. I was staring down at a future without Chuck in it and I couldn't do it."
What a waste of time
The thought crossed my mind
Blair's voice began to crack as she spoke as tears sprang to her eyes. "I was so scared of knowing what I wanted at twenty that I ruined everything, I didn't even give Chuck a chance to change my mind. I can be happy without him but I'm not me without him."
Blair watched Serena crack just like her voice had done only moments before but she had something else she had to add before she let Serena or Nate speak. "I never gave Chuck the chance to change my mind because I knew he would. And I was stupid and young, but that isn't an excuse. What I did to Chuck . . ." She trailed off, looking away before centering herself once more. "It's not an excuse. And I know I don't deserve to have him back, but I have to try. I have to try for both of our sakes."
Can't explain this thing, or what I mean
I'm trying to let go
Serena wiped one quick tear from her eye before reaching over and taking Blair's hand. "I want you to be happy B, I do. And if you really believe that Chuck's what you need to be happy then I hope things work out."
Pulling Serena to her Blair hugged her friend tightly. Her words soft as she whispered a quiet thank you before turning her head to look at Nate as she pulled away.
Nate exhaled as he observed her. In that moment, the girl before him was more the Blair he knew than he'd seen in such a long time that it was almost startling. But at the same time, the Blair from before had never been so open and vulnerable. It was almost scary to see her lay herself so bare. But his loyalty had shifted after the Victrola incident, it made things more difficult. "We're the Non-Judging Breakfast Club, whatever you do, we do too."
I'm not over
I'm not over you just yet
Blair tilted her head slightly, a small smile lighting her eyes as she tried to discern what she was saying.
"I won't stop you, for now." He spoke quietly, his loyalty to Chuck warring with all the anger inside of him. "But I won't help you anymore either. I think you missed your chance with Chuck and if you hurt him I'm done with this friendship." Furrowing his brow Nate sighed. "So don't hurt him okay?"
Blair nodded placing one careful hand on his knee. "I won't."
Cannot hide it
You're not that easy to forget
"And no more games." He spoke, his gaze still narrowed yet slightly more hopeful.
"No games. I promise." Blair spoke reassuringly. Happy to know that while not quite his support or his blessing, she still knew that Nate hadn't given up on her.
I'm not over
Nate nodded once and knew they'd struck a bargain of sorts. Their friendship would depend on whether or not Blair broke that bargain. It wasn't until later when Blair had left that he mentioned the situation to Serena, mentioned how worried he was. "How do you think it will turn out?"
Serena's head snapped towards Nate, at first unsure of what he was talking about but slowly realizing what he meant, Blair, he meant Blair and Chuck. "I don't know." She said with a slight shake of her head. "It's Chuck and Blair, don't they always find their way back to one another."
Nate's brow furrowed slightly. "I'm not sure they're still the same Chuck and Blair they used to be."
"We all grew up." Serena spoke reassuringly as she walked towards Nate.
Sighing Nate met her gaze. "I know. But I think that maybe the way they grew up changed things. They grew apart."
Serena couldn't help remember a line she'd read recently in a book, a line that had resonated with her at the time but she hadn't known why. She couldn't remember the name of the book simply that one line and couldn't help but speak it to Nate. "Growing apart doesn't change the fact that for a long time they grew side by side; their roots will always be tangled."
Nate looked at her in surprise. Serena wasn't normally the poetic type.
"It's from a book." She supplied at Nate's inquiring gaze. "But I think it fits here. Chuck and Blair might run halfway around the globe from each other, they might be with different people, have different experiences; but the parts of them at their very core, their roots, can never be separated."
Swallowing tightly, Nate found himself nodding. "It makes sense. They are who they are because of one another, there's something fundamental about each of them that exists because of the other." Serena nodded as well but Nate had one final thing that he had to say. "But I still don't know that we should be helping her."
Inhaling softly, Serena intertwined her fingers with Nate's. "I'm going to be there for her, but I think it's up to them to figure out how to deal with this. I love them both and I've learned the hard way that you just have to let them be."
"The hard way?" Nate questioned, catching the slight slip of the tongue on Serena's part.
Serena shook her head. "It's a long story."
Nate nodded reassuringly as he gave her hand a squeeze. "I've got time."
Blair braced herself as she stepped out of the elevator. It had been a tough decision on her part to do this and honestly she still wasn't sure she was doing the right thing. Chuck had made it clear that he didn't want to see her but after the conversation she'd had earlier with Nate and Serena she couldn't help it.
She'd been thinking all afternoon about what they'd said and now all she could think was that they were right. She owed Chuck an apology. She really had been playing games, though completely unintentionally. All she'd been trying to do was get his attention so she'd mistakenly resorted to the old way they'd done things. But she was better than that, she'd grown up; she was foolish to think that Chuck hadn't done the same.
Stepping into the entrance way she was surprised to see a woman there. So surprised that it took her a moment to register who the woman must be . . . Gwen of course. Blair stopped short, Gwen hadn't seen her yet, she was arranging flowers on the table. It gave Blair the few seconds she needed to take her in. God she was beautiful. She was blonde like Serena but that's where the similarities ended; as breathtaking as Gwen was she wasn't the obvious kind of pretty that Serena was, it was more subtle than that. Soft blonde waves of hair, a figure more like Blair's than Serena's, and an almost porcelain doll quality to her features.
Realizing that Gwen was lost in a world of her own, Blair cleared her throat lightly. "Excuse me." She spoke, her voice gentle for now. When Gwen turned to face her three things surprised her. First, the girl didn't seem surprised that someone was there - so she'd likely known someone was there and had simply waited on Blair to announce herself. Second, her smile was brilliant, almost dizzying. And third, there was an intelligence that lit her eyes and accentuated her features once she was no longer relaxed - but that wasn't all, Blair immediately recognized a glint there that she'd only seen a few times, looking in the mirror and in the eyes of Georgina Sparks or Jenny Humphrey.
Gwen let the hint of a smirk onto her face as she observed the young woman before her. Game recognizes game immediately and Gwen could see that this young woman had it if only from the spark in her eyes. "I was wondering when you'd announce your presence."
Blair only gave a slight nod because now that she knew she was right, she knew she had to tread carefully. "I apologize, I was expecting to see Chuck, you caught me off guard."
Gwen nodded in turn, her eyes meeting the young woman's gaze directly. "Of course. He's still at the office though and I'm afraid Nate's still out as well." She couldn't help but think that the girl looked like someone she should know. Something about her was just instinctively familiar, almost like déjà vu.
Blair laughed softly, giving the girl a slight smirk as well. "Nathaniel's over at my house with Serena. I wouldn't expect him back tonight."
For the first time since she'd smelled the scent of Chanel Allure that had alerted her to a distinctly female presence in the room, Gwen was surprised. She should have known better, she should have recognized her, Gwen was smarter than that. She kept her face controlled but by the spark in young woman's eyes she knew the other girl hadn't failed to notice her slip. "You're Blair Waldorf." She spoke clearly as she took a step forward.
This time it was Blair's turn to be surprised as a slight wave of uncertainty slipped over her. So Gwen knew who she was? What else might she know that Blair hadn't been expecting. "I am. And you are?" Blair asked leadingly though she already knew.
"Guinevere Chancellor, but please call me Gwen." She said with a polite smile at the girl she knew to be Chuck's first love. The one who'd hurt him so badly when she left.
"Guinevere?" Blair asked with raised eyebrows, putting together the reaction that she should be having if meeting someone with that name in these circumstances for the first time.
Gwen laughed lightly. Blair was kind of a bitch, it was obvious even in the way she was trying to be nice. The thing was Gwen actually liked it. "I have brothers named Arthur and Lance and a sister named Morgan." She could see the laughter in Blair's eyes and it brought the same to her own. "My dad was a bit obsessed with Arthurian legend; which explains the name of my company, Avalon Cosmetics."
Blair tilted her head slightly, her curiosity causing her to break character. "You're company."
"My father passed almost two years ago, I'm about to be named CEO." Gwen supplied.
Blair noticed the flicker of hurt in the young woman's eyes and it caused a twist of pain in her heart. So Gwen and Chuck had that in common. Blair could see the likelihood that there was a bond there and she knew it would be a hard one to break. "My condolences."
Gwen nodded, taking only a moment to bring herself back together before snapping her head towards Blair. "Yes, well it's in the past. Now how can I help you? I didn't realize you were back in town."
Blair nodded. Once more she wondered how much Gwen knew because clearly she knew that Blair had been gone; but interestingly enough she didn't know that Blair was back. Perhaps she hadn't seen Chuck yet. "My semester finished, I'm in town for the break. But I was just stopping by to talk to Chuck."
Gwen lifted one perfectly kept brow. "I'm afraid he won't be back for quite some time."
Blair saw it then, the protectiveness she herself had for Chuck. There wasn't really an answer to what she asked, Gwen had managed to deftly tell her only that Chuck wasn't there without any invitation to stay and wait. Blair couldn't help but think of a lioness protecting her own, and begrudgingly she felt an almost intense respect."I see." She spoke softly before adding, her voice light and inquiring. "Have you two been living together for long? Nate didn't mention anything." She was careful to keep any jealousy she was feeling completely in check.
At that Gwen couldn't help but laugh. "I don't live here. I mean I have a key and my own set of rooms but I still keep an apartment of my own, though Chuck's always telling me that it's unnecessary."
Blair held back her surprise. She assumed that it was Chuck's hesitance that kept them from moving in together not Gwen's. She could see that the girl had a streak of independence that Blair couldn't help but admire. It was no strong feat to be able to stand alone apart from Chuck while still dating him. About to dismiss herself she noticed something. When Gwen had said Chuck's name, she'd placed her hand on the necklace around her neck. Following her fingers Blair almost gasped at how exquisite the piece was. "That's lovely." She spoke softly, knowing that Gwen had followed her eyes.
Gwen nodded, giving an unconscious smile as she looked down at her fingers. "Chuck gave it to me today when he picked me up from the airport." She spoke, voice relaxed as she remembered the moment. She'd missed him even more so than usual this trip. It was strange, she'd had serious relationships before but she'd always managed to keep herself in check, she always came first but with Chuck things were just different.
Blair swallowed tightly as she heard Gwen's voice because the simple sound of it set a fire off inside of her that made her want claw the other girl's eyes out - a girl she'd just admitted to respecting. If she'd thought she'd been holding her jealousy in check before, it was only because she hadn't known what jealousy truly felt like yet. But in that moment she knew and she hated it.
Gwen was head over heels in love with Chuck, Blair could hear it in every syllable Gwen spoke when speaking about him and the look that had appeared in her eyes was beyond simple infatuation. And if Gwen was the more independent, more hesitant one in the relationship then this meant that everyone had been right - Chuck was actually in love with someone else. And they were right about something else too. This wasn't like Raina who'd been like a challenge for Chuck or Eva who'd represented a life Chuck wanted to hide in; this girl was strong, confident, beautiful and she was exactly the type of girl Chuck could actually fall in love with.
Speaking, Blair had to work to control her own voice. The words she was struggling to say were even more difficult than those she had come to say to Chuck. "It sounds like you guys have something really special." And as she spoke the monster that was building inside of her seemed to roar. The pain was so great she found herself holding back tears.
Gwen looked back up at Blair and smiled. She knew enough about Blair from things she'd heard from Chuck, Nate, and Serena to know that the sincerity in her voice was real not to mention rare. And while Blair should be someone she was wary of she believed in what she and Chuck had together and that made her unafraid. "Honestly, I thought he was going to propose today."
"Really?" Blair asked swallowing back the burning sensation in her throat as she forced herself to put up a composed front. Things couldn't be that serious, could they? But even as she asked herself the questions the pieces began to click into place. Things were that serious with them. It was in Gwen's eyes and her voice and most of all in the way that Chuck had completely disregarded her.
Gwen bit her lip, knowing she was saying things to Blair that she hadn't really voiced to anyone; but something about the fact that Blair had once loved Chuck too made her feel comfortable saying it. Not to mention the slight ounce of gratification she felt knowing that Blair had to feel a least a little bit of longing because honestly it would have to be impossible to not miss Chuck. "I don't even know how to describe it. When I was leaving for Italy he told me he had a surprise for me and I just felt it, I felt like he was going to do it and in that moment I knew I was going to say yes."
Inhaling, Blair forced herself to breath around the knife that felt as though it was piercing her chest. Her entire body was hot and cold at the same, she'd give anything if she could just feel numb instead. "You're lucky. Chuck is an amazing man."
"So is he." Gwen spoke confidently as she sent Blair a conspirital smirk.
Blair nodded as though to say touché; her ability to control her emotions was fading quickly, she needed to get out of there. "I should go."
Gwen lifted a shoulder lightly, surprised at what she was about to say. "You don't have to."
"I think I should." Blair spoke, knowing that she couldn't stay here any longer. She needed to go, needed to compose herself so she could get her thoughts together because right now she didn't know anything at all.
Nodding Gwen took a couple of steps towards Blair. "I'd like for us all to be friends Blair. You were an intricate part of Chuck's childhood and I don't want you to feel like you can't still be part of his life just because I'm in it now." Gwen knew she was treading a dangerous line but once more she felt a strange kinship with Blair. And even if she didn't, she fully believed that you kept your friends close and your enemies closer. So if Blair turned out to fall into that latter category, she knew that she needed to be prepared.
Shakily Blair met Gwen's gaze. "Thank you." She said, unsure of Gwen's words or her motives, only certain that she her entire world seemed to have been turned on its head with one simple ten minute conversation.
"Then I'll let you go." Gwen spoke, completely composed and surprisingly excited by the opportunity to learn more about the illusive Blair Waldorf. "I look forward to getting to know you Blair."
Forcing once more the mask of composure Blair spoke with a smile. "You too, Gwen. I'm sure I'll see you soon." And with those words she walked out of the apartment. Careful to keep her steps calm as she walked towards the elevator, more careful to compose her face as the elevator doors closed and give the standard smile to Gwen who was smiling at her. But as soon as the doors were shut, she let it all out.
Her body felt wave after wave of pain and confusion as she gripped the hand rail of the elevator for support. What if she had been wrong about everything? What if Chuck was better off with Gwen, better without her? Gwen loved him and he loved her and Gwen wasn't scared of that, it was obvious. Blair had come to tell him that she was done playing games but what if what she should have been saying was simply that she was done?
Staring out the window of Bass Industries he could see so much of midtown. From here it looked like he owned the city and in some ways he did. The number of Manhattan properties he now owned was astronomical which was usually why he loved standing here looking out. It put a certain amount of pressure on his shoulders to keep the city afloat.
But tonight he wasn't looking at the buildings; no tonight he was fixated on the lights. The lights were shining all down Broadway as the night seemed to come to life. Crossing his arms he stared at the lights until they blurred together becoming indiscernible from one another.
He shouldn't be here tonight. He should be home celebrating his engagement; only he wasn't engaged. On the limo ride to the airport he'd convinced himself he was being an idiot about everything. That he was feeling the sting of losing his bachelorhood for good. He'd told himself that the moment he saw her each of these feelings would have been erased completely.
But he'd seen her and he still hadn't done it. Gwen walked out of the terminal and he'd just stood there staring. He hadn't dropped to one knee, he had barely even managed a smile. He had been so confused that he'd been frozen like a complete idiot. It didn't make any sense, he should have proposed, he'd planned the proposal weeks ago, he'd had the ring for months now.
Furious at himself, he placed his palms against the glass of the window just to stabilize himself a bit. Proposing was the next step, it was the natural progression for them, so why hadn't he done it. He knew it didn't have anything to do with things changing with them afterwards. They had the same philosophy about marriage - they always had.
Chuck was lying on the bed staring up at the ceiling when he felt Gwen pull the sheet up further on her naked form. He was still out of breath from the sex they'd just had. He thought she might have drifted off to sleep until he heard her voice.
"Do you think you'll ever want kids?" Gwen asked her voice completely normal. As though that were just any ordinary question and she was simply curious.
Chuck's head turned to look at her as much because of the question as because of the tone. Finding that he was staring at her profile as she gazed at the ceiling he turned his head back. For a moment he seriously contemplated the question, because he didn't simply want to tell her what she wanted to hear, he wanted to tell her the truth. "I think so." He spoke after a few minutes. "But only if I'm in the position to be a good parent."
This time it was Gwen who turned her head. "What do you mean?" She asked curiously.
Chuck exhaled slowly before turning his head to face hers. "My father sucked, so did yours. I don't want that for my kids."
Nodding Gwen continued to face Chuck, blowing a piece of hair that had fallen on her lips out of her face. "I don't want to be my parents but I don't want the perfect life either."
"What do you mean?" Chuck asked almost amazed at the calmness they were both exuding. This was supposed to be a conversation that couples struggled with, it was supposed to be awkward and uncertain. For them, it felt like just another conversation.
Gwen smiled. "You know 2.5 kids, stay at home mom, soccer practice, the white picket fence in the suburbs."
Chuck visibly shuddered. "God I hate the suburbs." He supplied before they both started laughing. Gwen was always beautiful but when she laughed it made his heart stop. Once their laughter had slowed he smiled at her, recognizing that the moment had turned serious. "I would never ask you to be that. We would never have to be traditional, we'd find our own way of doing things, make our own rules. For instance, I never want to leave the city - it's the one part of my childhood I've never regretted."
Gwen sighed reaching over to link her hand with his. "Me either." Then after another moment she thought of something she wanted to add. "And I want to wait a bit to have kids."
Chuck nodded. "Until we're both established of course."
"But not too long." She supplied immediately.
"Obviously, we actually want to be around for their lives." He finished. Slowly he laced his fingers through hers and squeezed lightly.
Gwen frowned ever so slightly. "And no animals, they're messy."
Chuck smirked. "Really? I rather like dogs."
Rolling her eyes Gwen returned the smirk. "Well I suppose I'm negotiable on that point."
Once more they found that they were both dissolving into laughter. This time the laughter led them to become a bit more interlinked as Chuck tugged her towards him. As she hovered over him only a baby's breath away, their laughter slowed as it was replaced with a different type of energy. Reaching up slowly, Chuck tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "It will happen when we're ready you know?"
Gwen nodded her head just a fraction. "I know." She spoke lowly before allowing her eyes to flutter closed as she placed the softest of kisses on his lips.
Marriage wouldn't change them, it wouldn't mean they weren't themselves anymore. He knew they were on the same page; so why had that decision been so difficult? Why had he been scared of losing his bachelorhood? He refused to think the one word that kept coming to his mind, the word that was quickly turning into a phrase. A phrase he refused to let himself think about. Yet there it was, he couldn't avoid at very least considering it.
Blair
Blair is what had changed. Earlier he'd said that her reappearance had only shaken him, it had only thrown him around a little bit - he readily admitted that. He wasn't delaying the proposal because of her. He was delaying it because he wasn't thinking like himself. He just had to get everything back to normal in his life once more.
He'd never once doubted proposing to Blair.
No, he wouldn't think about that. It wasn't important. Blair was a part of his past and there was no point.
He'd almost died protecting the engagement ring he'd purchased for her.
The ring from the proposal that he never finished; the proposal that Dan Humphrey interrupted. The ring that he'd kept locked away in a safe even when they'd been at war. The ring that he'd tried to force on her finger the night of her engagement to Louis. The ring that still lay within a velvet box in the desk of his office.
He'd been so sure. He'd been sure enough to propose three times.
He'd been young, he'd been reckless, he'd been a fool. To think that the first girl he ever fell in love with would be the last was lunacy. To think that they'd been ready to spend a lifetime together or that she could forgive his mistakes was even more ridiculous a thought. No matter what she'd said, she'd never forgiven what he'd done to her; she'd proved that when she left.
"Damn it." He cursed aloud. This was insanity. How could Blair have so easily disrupted his life once more? He didn't love her anymore. How could someone love a person who'd done what she did?
Blair had promised forgiveness, she'd promised that they'd rebuild. Then she'd gone after the one thing she had the power to destroy. She had given him the life he'd always wanted with her, she'd shown him the fairy tale that he'd never dreamed could actually be his and then she'd taken it away. She'd made him the happiest man in the world only so that he'd know what it felt like once he was back at the bottom; because once you've tasted real happiness, the misery is so much more acute.
Gwen had been the one to show him happiness again. Pure unfiltered happiness and Blair had no right to fuck with that now. Because if it weren't for Gwen he'd still be in that terrible place. Gwen sparked something in him that he'd thought he'd lost forever when he lost Blair. She warmed his heart and somehow managed to make it beat faster and slower at the same time. It wasn't just that rushing feeling of passion that Chuck always felt for her, there was also a sense of calmness that anchored him.
Smiling, Chuck felt his posture relax as the calmness seemed to wash over him in waves. He'd always been like this. It was always so difficult for him to trust. His father hadn't cared most of his life and his mother had died. No one had ever stayed, no one until Blair. Blair had been the one to teach him to trust, to teach him to depend on someone. Then she'd destroyed that trust completely. She'd made it harder for him to trust people than ever before Gwen had slowly but surely repaired all of that.
Closing his eyes Chuck smiled, the anger he felt earlier was gone because now he finally understood. He was having trouble trusting himself because that's what seeing Blair had done. It had brought back that awful feeling of doubt. Shaking his head his smile broadened. It didn't matter if he didn't propose today, what mattered is that he would propose and if he had to wait a little bit longer to feel ready, he would wait.
Opening his eyes, his smile faded like the image of the city as the reflection behind him seemed to force itself over the view outside. Just as she was trying to force herself back into his life. He didn't say anything as his eyes connected with hers through their reflections.
For a moment Blair stood silently just staring at Chuck through the glass reflection. Her heart was beating a million times a minute and her stomach felt sick. There were still feelings lingering from her earlier conversation with Gwen. Since leaving the New Yorker all she had been able to think about was the possibility that she had been wrong - the possibility that Chuck would never want her like he once had. The doubt was beginning to devour her so she'd done the only thing she could and come to see him. "Chuck." She spoke, her voice barely a breath.
Chuck turned around slowly knowing that Blair wouldn't leave until she said whatever it was that she wanted to say. "How can I help you?" He asked facing her completely and placing his hands on the back of his office chair.
Swallowing Blair tried her best to smile though at the moment she felt like crying. "I met Gwen today."
Chuck sighed before nodding. Of course she'd met Gwen, Blair would be Blair after all. He shouldn't expect anything else. His thought made him think back to a simple conversation he'd had with Nate what felt like a lifetime ago and in many ways it was.
Nate looked down into his glass of scotch as though it had the answer before taking a deep swallow and looking up at Chuck who set on the dresser. "Was it stupid of me to think that Blair had changed?"
"Yes." Chuck responded immediately, his voice a low rumble as he took a deep gulp of his own scotch.
Nate had hoped that Chuck would have the answers, would tell him he wasn't an idiot for trusting Blair again. He sighed as he looked down, hating what he was about to say. "So, she's just the way she is."
This time Chuck interrupted quickly, not letting Nate finish. "What I mean, is it's stupid for you to want her to be anything other than she is." Chuck spoke through hooded eyes. Before looking directly at Nate for his next words. "Anyway, Blair is changing."
"How do you know?" Nate asked, giving Chuck his undivided attention. It was almost contradictory that he was seeking advice on Blair from someone else when he felt as though he should know her better than anyone. Yet he looked to Chuck as though he had all the answers when it came to Blair because for some reason Chuck and Blair just got each other.
Chuck almost toasted Nate as he took a swallow preparing to answer his question because in a sense Nate did deserve his congratulations. "Because she could have had me. She chose you." He watched as Nate looked down but he wasn't stopping. He wanted Blair, but more than that he wanted her to be happy. If Nate was what Blair needed or wanted to make her happy than he would help Nate be there for her. "Now she just needs someone to believe in her."
Chuck's shoulder's tightened as he brought himself from the brief memory. They weren't those people anymore. Or at least he wasn't. Maybe Blair was still that young girl that schemed to get what she wanted but he wasn't, he'd grown up. He sighed heavily as he looked downward towards his desk. Now he understood what Nate had meant then. There was a time and place for those games and their real lives, their futures weren't part of that.
"She's nice." Blair spoke, trying to put something other than desperation in her voice. Her uncertainties were beginning to get the better of her. She'd been so sure when she'd made the choice to come back. If she still felt it, if she still couldn't move on then how could he not? Yet as they stood there staring at one another all she knew was that there really was someone new, someone who loved him like she did. "I don't hate her." She offered quietly.
Chuck couldn't help the single line he knew must be showing across his brow as he gripped the back of the chair. It was just so easy to remember his history with Blair - especially the good parts. But then he remembered that it was Gwen they were talking about. And he resolved to simply let things lie. Relaxing slowly, he exhaled. "From Blair Waldorf that's a resounding endorsement."
Pursing her lips Blair struggled not to shake. "You really love her don't you?" It was hard to think about but at this point she knew it was true. Chuck had fallen in love with someone else.
Sighing Chuck could almost taste the relief that was washing over him. Blair had finally realized that he'd moved on, now maybe she'd be able to do the same. He couldn't help but feel hopeful that everything was about to go back to normal. Blair would go home or at least she'd back off and he and Gwen could go back to the way things were. He'd finally be able to stop doubting every decision he was making. "Yes, I really love her."
Blair's heart was racing a mile a minute as she met his gaze. "Like you loved me?" She asked her words careful as though she were searching for something.
Chuck inhaled deeply before exhaling. "Blair . . . It's different." He spoke shaking his head. The hope that he had been feeling only moments before was already draining.
"Then not like you loved me?" Blair asked, a smile tugging at the edges of her lips as her eyes brightened ever so slightly. That was it; that was the very thing she'd been waiting for. She'd needed to see some sign that Chuck acknowledged that what they had was something more.
Chuck didn't know what to say. He knew he needed to explain what he meant but he couldn't. What he'd had with Blair was untouchable until they'd destroyed it. It wasn't all her, he knew that, but he'd wanted to keep trying, she hadn't.
Blair took a tentative step forward. "We both know I was your great love Chuck. You only get one of those. The kind that sets you on fire, that burns and consumes you."
"Until there's nothing left." Chuck practically growled as his grip tightened on the chair once more. When he spoke his voice could only be considered tired. "You're right. You were my one great love. But great love isn't real, you can't build a life on it. We proved that. Great love can't last Blair, it implodes on itself over and over again, until it destroys everything. What I have with Gwen, that's real love - the kind that lasts forever. What you and I had is in the past."
Blair was shaking her head as she took another step towards him. "You're wrong about that Chuck. You never forget the great love, believe me I know." She spoke remembering the anxiety she felt the closer her wedding to Austin had gotten. It wasn't that she didn't understand what he was saying - she knew the kind of love he was talking about, it was firm and solid and felt so incredibly stable. She'd had it with Austin but in the end she'd been so haunted by the love she still felt for Chuck. "The other kind of love feels like forever doesn't it? It's like you can always depend on it to be there, never wavering, never faltering. It's just so dependable."
Chuck raised his eyebrows as if to say 'of course.' Because he didn't understand her point. Love should be those things. It shouldn't be guessing games, jealousy, and plots of revenge.
"It's safe." Blair spoke recalling a conversation she'd once had with Chuck when he'd invited her to the top of the Empire State Building. "And we were never safe." Chuck looked as though he was about to say something but she wasn't done. "The security feels good doesn't it? But you'll always miss the fire."
"The fire's dead Blair." He spoke softly. "And I'm happy again. I'm finally happy again." He looked at her almost sadly when he spoke his next words. "I don't miss it Blair, not anymore."
Blair swallowed tightly unsure what more she could say. He might deny missing it but she knew it was still there, it left a certain residue that never completely disappeared. This kind of love was not one sided. So even if she didn't feel the energy pulsing between them that used to be there, even if he was cold to her and certain that they weren't meant to be, she was certain enough for both of them. "I'm not leaving New York Chuck."
"You don't have to." He replied, his voice calm. Blair's persistence had exhausted him to the point that he couldn't even focus.
Blair nodded slowly. Something about his voice had calmed her down in some manner. It was as though they had reached an understanding of sorts. Both knew what the other wanted and neither was willing to acquiesce. "But I'm not giving up."
Chuck's breathing was heavy as he looked at Blair with almost pleading eyes. "I don't want to fight."
A slight smirk appeared on Blair's features as she realized that she wasn't ready to let go. Maybe he thought they were done but she knew better. "Too bad because I'm about to fight like hell."
Chuck sighed as he watched her turn and walk away. All he could think was that his life was getting much more complicated because it was clear now that Blair wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. So he was just going to have to learn to deal with her presence and the repercussions that were sure to follow.
Alright so there it is the song was I'm Not Over by Carolina Liar and the quote Serena was talking about is from a book called Matched by Allie Condie which I highly recommend. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it and I would looooooveeee if you'd review!
xoxo - kate