Hint/Warning: The title of this Fanfic isn't just about the book Dan wrote about Blair. The narration will never directly lie to you during this story BUT the characters might lie to one another and indirectly to you. Just a friendly note :)

Also - Just wanted to remind you that Blair's visited home twice since leaving. One was the Hamptons, we don't know what the other was just yet.

Chapter 5: The Past Revisted

"So you're saying it's done?" Blair asked into her cell phone, careful not to say more than she had to; after all she was at Dan's and she wasn't quite ready for him to know about this.

"It's done." The man said. "I signed the rest of the papers this morning."

Blair nodded though he couldn't see her. "That's perfect." Even though she said the words she knew that she didn't mean them. Part of her was happy, it was after all what she had wanted, but another part of her felt a pang of sadness that it had come to this. "Thank you Clark, I really do appreciate it."

Blair wasn't certain what Clark said next as it was drowned out by the ringing through of another call. "I have to go. Someone's trying to beep through." She spoke quickly, her business with Clark was done anyway so she didn't really mind, that's why when he got off the phone, she didn't think about it before quickly clicking over. "Hello, Blair Waldorf speaking."

"Blair?" Austin gasped in surprise. He'd been calling once a day since she'd left, once a day for weeks now and not once had she answered, not once had she returned one of his calls. So now on a day when he'd been calling almost distractedly, preparing to leave another voice mail he found that she answered and every word in the English language other than her name fled his mind.

Blair's chest constricted painfully, as her whole body seemed to freeze up in shock. If she'd had any idea that it might be Austin she wouldn't have answered, she would have let him add another voicemail to the 16 already filling her inbox. He never called before noon, he was rarely awake before noon. Standing there dumbstruck she knew she had to say something, preferably something that would get her off the phone quickly. "Austin . . .hi." She knew even in this most unintelligible state that those had not been the words she was looking for.

His heart was pounding at the sound of her voice, particularly the sound of her voice saying his name and his heart - loud as it was - seemed to be his only functioning organ at the moment so he chose to let it take control. "I miss you, darling."

Blair's heart melted and the rest of her body along with it as she heard Austin call her darling, one of his favorite affectionate names for her. She had to brace herself against the wall of the hallway. The pain in his voice was enough to break her clean in two. "I miss you too." She spoke, her voice likely betraying how much.

Austin swallowed tightly knowing that this might be his only chance to convince her. She'd been caught off guard when she answered the phone so she hadn't meant to do it; he knew her, she wouldn't make that mistake again. So in his next words, he placed everything he'd been feeling for her the past few weeks that she'd been gone, everything he'd been feeling the past 3 years she'd been in his life. "Then come home."

Blair's hand not holding the phone, held tightly to the hall tree next to her, gripping it for support that she knew she couldn't give herself. Just as she'd witnessed the other day that Chuck did indeed love Gwen, she loved Austin and her next words were some of the hardest she'd ever uttered aloud. "I am home."

Austin's heart throbbed painfully at her words but she was still on the line so he wasn't giving up yet. "Then please Blair, let me make it my home too."

"Please don't make this harder than it already is." Blair spoke, her voice weakening as she always knew it would when this moment came.

Shaking his head, Austin clasped the phone even more tightly as though doing so could hold her there, could keep her from hanging up. "You left. You ended our engagement with a note and you begged me not to come after you. You're throwing years away as though they never happened and that destroys me because they were the best years of my life."

Blair pursed her lips tightly as she forced back the tears that were threatening to fall. "I am so sorry that I've hurt you Austin. I love you and I wanted to make this as easy for you as I possibly could. Being with you was the most selfish thing I've ever done."

"Then be selfish." Austin said, knowing his voice could be constituted as pleading. "I give you my complete permission to be selfish."

Blair gasped aloud from her effort to keep the tears from falling. "I can't anymore. You mean too much to me and you deserve someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved. That person isn't me Austin."

Austin could feel his world crumbling around him as he tried to hold it together. "I love you. I've loved you since the moment you walked into the advising office junior year."

Blair smiled sadly at the memory, she remembered that day so well. "I'll always love you Austin, always. But not . . ."

"Like you love him." Austin finished for her, hearing the words in her voice. The illusive "him" in Blair's life. The one she'd run from years ago and the reason she' d gone back to New York.

"I was going to say, not like you deserve. But I do want you to find that kind of love Austin. The kind that you run from because you're scared to admit it's real, but you can never forget it so you always come back." Blair spoke, feeling herself detach herself from the situation emotionally.

Austin's hand trembled as he heard her words, he knew what they meant, what Blair was saying. "That's how I feel about you." He said, knowing that she wasn't describing how she felt about him, she was talking about "him."

Running a hand through her hair, Blair pressed her back against the wall. "I really am sorry Austin. I really wanted to be that girl for you." She could hear his breathing on the other end of the line and was worried at how shaky it was. She'd only seen Austin cry a few times but still she knew the signs. "I need to go."

"Blair." Austin managed through the tears he quickly felt surfacing; tears he hadn't allowed to come the past few weeks without her. Inhaling he forced himself to calm down, forced himself to remember how much he loved her. He could hear her on the other end of the line, silent but her breathing indicated that she was still there. So he said words he never wanted to say. "I don't want to lose you. But I love you enough to respect your wishes. I can love you enough to let you go."

Exhaling, Blair spoke only a few words, knowing that at the moment they were probably all that she could manage. "Thank you."

Her mind started moving backwards before she even had the chance to stop it as she'd known it would from the moment that she heard Austin's voice. She hadn't wanted to think about him because she knew how much harder it would make leaving him be.

"Morning." Austin spoke, his voice rumbling against her hair.

"Good morning." Blair said with a smile as she moved to rest her hands on his chest, her head tilted to meet Austin's gaze. There was a warm hum that seemed to travel throughout her body as she looked at him and it felt so incredibly good.

Austin smiled as Blair moved around before looking up at him. "You're so beautiful." Reaching down he took a strand of her dark hair in his fingers and began stroking it ever so slightly.

Blair blushed as she leaned into him. "I love it when you do that."

"What?" Austin asked seriously, not sure if she meant complimenting her or something else.

Grinning Blair tilted her head ever so slightly. "Play with my hair. You've done it for as long as I can remember, even when I was determined to hate you."

Austin returned her grin as he rested his other hand on her back, holding her close. "I hadn't realized I did it."

Blair simply nodded before closing her eyes and relaxing into him.

After a moment of near silence, where only the sound of their breathing could be heard Austin felt words slipping through his lips. "This feels so real; but at the same time it feels like it can't be, it feels like it has to be a dream. It's like everything I've wanted, everything I've dreamed of and it happened all in one night."

Blair's eyes fluttered open, a smile warming her face as she looked up at Austin once more. "It was real."

"So we are really both going to Stanford in the fall?" Austin asked, still having difficulty wrapping his mind around it.

Blair nodded, continuing to grin at Austin through heavy lids. "Yes Mr. Davenport."

Austin's chest rumbled slightly as he laughed lowly at her response. But as his laughter subsided he looked into her eyes again. "And you love me?"

Smile broadening, Blair propped herself up to better meet Austin's gaze. "Yes, I love you."

Nodding as though seriously considering something Austin thought for a minute before speaking again. He could see the slight air of confusion in Blair's gaze so rather than taking time to think about how he wanted to phrase his next words, he just let them out. "Move in with me."

Blair's eyes widened as she further moved to support herself, bringing the sheet around her body as she did. Realizing he must be joking she began to laugh.

Shaking his head, Austin reached out and took Blair's hand, both of them now sitting up. "Move in with me." He repeated, his voice calm as he met her gaze.

Blair's eyes began to narrow as her eyebrows furrowed. She wasn't laughing any longer. "You're serious?" She asked as her eyes searched his for any sign that he was joking.

Nodding, Austin clasped her other hand in his as well. "Move in with me." He repeated.

Blair could feel a smile cracking onto her features even as she continued searching his eyes. "That's crazy Austin, we can't just move in together. I have a lease."

Austin rolled his eyes jokingly because they both knew money didn't matter but that wasn't exactly what he meant. "I don't mean now. I mean when we move to California. Let's get a place together. We could buy something even."

Eyes widening again Blair began to understand what he was saying. "What would our friends think?" She asked, stalling for time as she tried to figure out her thoughts on all of this.

"That it was about time." He spoke laughing slightly. He knew that all of their friends had a betting pool on when the two of them were finally going to get together and that no one had won because they all guessed too soon. "But it doesn't matter what they think anyway. The only person whose opinion matters to me, is yours."

Blair's lips opened ever so slightly in surprise. He was really serious. This wasn't him joking around or making grand statements. "You really want to do this don't you?"

Austin nodded, his thumbs rubbing over her hands. "You know that I do."

Shaking her head slowly Blair wasn't sure how to say what was going through her mind. She wasn't sure what words she could use to explain it when she couldn't even seem to understand it herself. "It's strange, I don't know how to phrase this."

Austin gazed at her reassuringly. "Just say what you're feeling, you know I'll understand."

Blair nodded because it was true, he always did understand. "Part of me knows that I know just about everything about you, that we're closer than I've been to just about anyone and of course that I love you. But then there's this other part of me that thinks that there is so much more I don't understand yet. This, us, is so new and a new couple would never just move in together right after they started dating. Everything's about to change, isn't it?"

Austin nodded, he understood what she meant. This was so new but yet they were already so close. And he knew as she did that going from being best friends to being in a relationship would change everything - they'd be stupid to think that it wouldn't. "How about this: we don't have to decide now. We take the summer and figure things out, decide where we want to go and just how fast we want to go there. How does that sound?"

Blair smiled. He understood her so well, he always had. "It sounds perfect."

Hanging up the phone she quickly wiped her tears. It was hard to not think about Austin when he'd once been the only thing that anchored her. But she had to be strong, she'd done the right thing by letting him go, he deserved to be let go. Knowing that Dan was waiting on her she expertly composed herself before continuing back into the sitting room.

"What happened?" Dan asked, standing immediately as Blair walked back into the front room of his apartment.

Blair forced a smile to her face and shook her head, sending her curls bouncing. "Nothing, I'm fine."

"Waldorf…" Dan spoke leadingly, knowing she was lying, knowing she knew thst he knew she was lying.

"Humphrey." She returned just as tauntingly as they engaged in a bit of a stare down, neither one looking away. Finally when she realized they would be getting nowhere until she caved she sighed. "Fine. It was Austin on the line."

Dan tilted his head mildly confused. "Austin as in your ex-fiancé?"

Blair nodded, as she tucked her hair behind one ear. Something about crying always seemed to move her hair out of place. But she continued on, knowing that Humphrey wouldn't stop asking questions until she did. "This is the first time we've spoken since I ended things. He's been trying to contact me but I've been judiciously avoiding him."

"So you chose now, in my hallway to return one of his calls?" Dan asked, his curiosity intensifying.

Blair actually laughed at his statement as she moved further into the sitting room. "No, I was on the phone with an acquaintance and Austin beeped in. I answered without really thinking."

Dan nodded his head finally beginning to understand. "So why haven't you been answering Austin's calls?" He asked before his curiosity got the better of him and he smirked. "Or better yet why'd you break off the engagement in the first place?"

Blair looked at Dan for a moment and wondered if she was talking to Dan her friend or Dan the writer. Deciding it didn't really mattered she gave Dan a pointed look. "I think you know the answer to the second question."

Dan tilted his head. "Yes but usually when you get left for someone else you're angry, you don't keep trying to continue the relationship."

Blair sighed, knowing that what she was about to admit to Dan was likely to earn a few judgmental glances and statements but really he was much easier to confide in that Serena lately so she went ahead. "He needed closure. When I left, we'd just had a fight but he still wasn't expecting it and I get that the note I left him wasn't a good enough explanation of what I was feeling..."

"YOU LEFT HIM A NOTE?" Dan practically shouted. Blair nodded and Dan continued. "Is that just what you do? Leave notes in the middle of the night and run off. Didn't you learn anything from the last time?"

Blair scoffed, hearing the expected judgment in his voice. "Chuck didn't get a note. I wouldn't have been able to write one if I had tried."

Dan looked at her his eyes questioning. "So what, you just couldn't face him? You didn't think he deserved more than just a note saying 'bye have a nice life'?" Dan knew he was being harsh but he knew what it was like to be left by Blair Waldorf, she'd done it to all of them before, and now he couldn't help but pity the guy.

Blair shook her head feeling a surprising calmness ease through her even as Dan got more riled up. "Last time I didn't have a valid explanation for why I was leaving, not one I could explain in words and I knew that I could be convinced otherwise if I waited to talk to Chuck. If I had hesitated then, I never would have left. I was scared, immature, terrified of what people would say, and selfish to the core. So I just left."

Pausing she switched her focus to her more recent departure from California. "The difference with Austin is that leaving him was probably the most selfless thing I've ever done. He loves me with everything he has and while I love him, oh I love him, it's not the heart stopping, breathtaking, dangerously passionate love I had with Chuck. Austin deserves to have that with someone and that's never going to be me. If I was still the same person I was four years ago I wouldn't have ended things with Austin, I would have continued leaning on him, continued letting him love me even while I knew it wasn't right."

Exhaling, she had watched as Dan seemed to deflate before her, all of his earlier antagonism disappearing and she smirked sadly. "The moment I realized that I didn't love him the way he deserved, the way I love Chuck, and that I never would, I left. I wrote a note because I didn't want to give myself the opportunity to be weak and reconsider. I think he just needed closure. It's going to take some time for him to come to terms with it all. But one day he'll meet the girl that makes this all make sense and he'll understand why I left."

"Okay." Dan spoke quietly because he knew what Blair meant. There was a time when he'd been Austin. There was a time when he thought that she was the love of his life and he would have given her the world. But now when he looked at the way he felt about Steph, the way he felt about the family that they were building together he knew what Blair meant. There were different ways of loving someone and the big one, the one you never really got over only happened once while the others came and went.

Blair smiled and moved to take a seat, tired of standing after that episode. Knowing that the situation was over and done with she smiled and changed the topic. "Now that's not what we came to discuss though I'm sure it will help you out with your book as well."

Dan laughed. Blair had come over basically so that he could psychoanalyze her. He was making some revisions to the book now that she was back and he could pick her brain and observe her behavior so of course he'd had questions. He'd been trying to assess the current state of her relationship with Chuck while subtly probing at some of the more hazy details of their past. "Alright, so where were we?

Blair smiled as she leaned back on the chaise lounge that she could hardly believe was in Dan Humphrey's apartment. "Chuck still wants me to leave him alone, he wants nothing to do with me. But he also knows I'm not planning on going anywhere."

Dan exhaled as he sat down into one of the sofa's, slipping easily back into their earlier conversation. "But you said that you and Gwen got along just fine."

Blair shrugged. "I don't know that fine is the word but we're similar."

Dan nodded. He could see that. They both had that fire. "Still I can't see Gwen reacting well to you."

Blair almost laughed again. "I'm not sure how much she knows. Maybe it's not as much as we might think."

"Possibly." Dan said though still not completely satisfied. "Four years is a long time Blair. And she and Chuck have been together for almost 2 of those years maybe she's just that secure in their relationship."

Blair nodded slowly, hearing for the first time just how long Gwen and Chuck had been seeing one another. She couldn't help the bristling feeling up her spine in hearing that it had been so long. That would mean that Chuck had started seeing Gwen not long after the Hamptons. For a moment she wondered if Gwen had been the girl that she'd seen him with so long ago on the second of her trips to New York that summer, but she didn't want to think about that. "Two years is a long time." She spoke, her voice sounding distant and alien.

Dan looked at Blair appraisingly, trying to see just where her head was because he had a sense that she wasn't being completely honest with him. It was the way that her eyes began to gaze off to the side as though her mind was somewhere else entirely that he realized he was missing a piece of the puzzle, a major piece. Something had happened that he didn't know about, maybe no one knew about it. Either way he had a good guess as to when it had happened and he knew that he might just be able to catch Blair off guard. Leaning forwards in his seat he placed his elbows on his knees. "What happened two years ago Blair?"

Blair's head immediately snapped towards Dan, her eyes widening in surprise. In that second she thought she must have said something aloud that she hadn't meant to but narrowing her gaze she realized that Dan was most likely just reading her better than she'd expected. Swallowing tightly she contemplated what she wanted to say - how much she wanted to admit. "It's not important." She spoke definitively as she leaned back away from his gaze.

Dan was going to press her further, knowing that she wasn't telling the truth but the ring of his cell phone interrupted him. Seeing that it was Steph he looked at Blair. "I have to take this."

Blair nodded and rested her head in her hand as Dan left the room for a moment. Blair was simply relaxing thinking of what she would say to further deter Dan when she heard him shout excitedly as he ran back into the room. "What is it?" She asked half standing, all alertness returning to her.

Dan was pacing, with a silly grin on his face. "Steph was at the office and her water broke. The baby's coming, quickly. I have to get to the hospital."

Blair's eyes widened in surprise, but she kept calm because she knew one of them had to. "Okay, where's the hospital bag?"

"The what?" Dan asked, completely scattered as he pulled on his jacket.

Blair laughed aloud as she looked at Dan, so frazzled and excited that he couldn't even properly function. "Oh Humphrey. I'll find the bag, you take off that silly jacket, it's a hundred degrees out there, and put on some shoes. I will not be seen in Manhattan with a barefoot gentleman even if your wife is having a baby."

Dan tilted his head as he slowed, beginning to take in Blair's words. He took off his jacket and slung on his shoes but was still confused about what Blair was doing. As she reentered the room, carrying a large duffle, he knew the confusion must be apparent in his face because she spoke.

"Oh please Humphrey, I'm going with you." Taking his arm she dragged him out the door, talking again as they stepped into the elevator. "Like hell I'm going to miss this."

Chuck smiled at Gwen as she lay next to him in bed. "That was some welcome home." Chuck spoke, rolling onto his side. He'd come home to find her in the living room wearing a robe and nothing else. That was a little over an hour ago.

Gwen turned her head to face Chuck, wearing a smile of her own. "We've both been busy lately, we deserved it."

Chuck smirked devilishly as he took in her hair spread across the pillow and the sheet loosely draped over her body. "We're not busy tonight are we? Not that I didn't enjoy this of course, I simply thought I'd cleared my schedule to spend the evening with you."

Reaching over Gwen placed a hand on his face. "You know I met your friend Blair the other day." Her eyes were commanding as she met his gaze, she needed to know his reaction. They hadn't talked about Blair after she'd shown up. In truth it had slipped Gwen's mind during the precious few moments she'd had with Chuck lately. Summer always seemed to be the busiest time of year in their businesses and she was still adjusting to the workload that came with being named CEO.

Chuck exhaled, rolling back onto his back. It hadn't been what he was expecting Gwen to say but at the same time he couldn't be surprised. He hadn't mentioned Blair yet, waiting on her to bring it up, he just hadn't thought that it would be right now. "I'm sorry. I should have told you that she's back in town." Shaking his head he turned his head to look at her. "At least then you would have had a bit of warning."

Gwen shrugged as she turned, pushing herself up on her elbow. "It was fine." She spoke reassuringly.

Chuck shook his head, sighing in a way that almost constituted a groan. "I know how Blair can get. Not the easiest person in the world to deal with by any means."

Gwen could tell that he still wasn't getting it. In a comforting gesture she rested her hand on is chest. "I can handle myself." She said calmly. "As for Blair, I liked her."

Furrowing his brow, Chuck couldn't help but wonder what exactly that conversation had entailed. Both women had now told them that they liked the other while neither woman did that easily, nor did either pretend to; which could only mean that they had actually gotten along. It was unsettling to say the least. "She doesn't seem to be leaving any time soon."

Gwen lifted one shoulder slightly. "I don't mind."

Chuck wanted quip back that he did mind but he didn't know how without explaining why and he wasn't ready to go there; he might never be. The last thing he wanted was for Gwen to start doubting his feelings for her and opening up about Blair now would cause that. His past with Blair would intimidate anyone he was in love with and he couldn't lose Gwen, not because of that. Before he could consider what to say next, she chimed in once more.

"Naturally you're going to want to see her and I want that for you." Chuck's head snapped towards Gwen and she smiled because she knew he was surprised at how mature she was being. Generally, she was the jealous type. Usually she didn't mind other girls being around because it meant she got to tear them down if they made a play for Chuck. No girl held a candle to her when it came to Chuck; but she wasn't deluded enough to think that Blair wasn't different than all those other girls. She was the first that he loved and she'd hurt him when she left. Blair could be dangerous to her but Blair was also his closest childhood friend, she wouldn't risk violating that and eventually alienating Chuck. However, she knew that she was basically guaranteeing to Chuck that she wouldn't do to Blair what she did with all the other girls who dared come close. "I know how important her friendship was before everything else and I would never want to ruin that. Hopefully, now you two will be able to reconnect."

Chuck was floored. He knew his mouth must be open in abject shock because in that moment it was the only emotion he could recognize. Gwen was actually encouraging him to spend time with Blair. He'd been counting on her jealous streak to help him avoid Blair, to keep him as far away from her as possible and yet right now she was lying there telling him to 'reconnect' with Blair. "Wow...that's just...wow." He said again, unable to form coherent words.

Gwen smiled brightly as a brightness warmed her. As selfish as she was, she did like to do the right thing when it came to Chuck and she couldn't help but feel good about what she was doing.

Swallowing tightly, Chuck finally was able to get a grip on himself enough to attempt to change the subject. As he did he tried to initiate Gwen's more jealous tendencies with not so subtle word usage, though he did so with a playful tone. "Now tell me, why the hell are we talking about my exes in bed?" He couldn't help but think that really the word should be singular; Raina and Eva hardly counted as exes.

Gwen smiled again as she brought her body closer to his, she could tell that he was hinting that he was ready for another round, but before they began she knew she had to answer his actual question because after all there had been a point to this conversation. "Blair called this afternoon while I was here. She was wondering if you could meet her for dinner tonight and I told her that I was totally fine with it."

Chuck, who'd been leaning in to place a kiss along Gwen's neck felt his body tighten once more. His thoughts were racing through his brain. He wanted to scream, he wanted to throw things, he wanted to hire someone to make sure Blair left New York and didn't come back; but his shock overrode all of those potential actions and left him feeling paralyzed.

Gwen smirked, running her hand down his chest. "Don't be so surprised. I'm a woman of my word. Like I said, I want you to have your friend back in your life."

All Chuck wanted was to tell her that he had no interest in having Blair back in his life, that he didn't, and wouldn't, be going to dinner with her. But Chuck couldn't do any of that. In order to spurn Blair in Gwen's presence he would have to give her a reason and Chuck had one hundred reasons, any of which would remove Gwen's blessing to see Blair, but none of which could he tell her without ruining everything. So instead he forced his mouth to form words he didn't mean. "Thank you."

Blair couldn't wipe the smile off her face as she watched Dan with his new baby girl, Rosaleigh Astoria Humphrey. Steph had been fabulous as any Astor woman would be expected to be; Blair could only hope that she might one day be so strong. Watching the three of them all she saw was absolute perfection until the image suddenly darkened for her.

Like the flipping of a switch, the awe she was feeling turned into envy and her vision blurred ever so slightly. The painful sting of sadness was almost crippling as it tainted the image before her. She should have had that. Swallowing back tears she forced back the ounce of resentment she felt with it. This was their moment, who was she to make it about her.

Ashamed and a little embarrassed at the emotions she'd been unable to control, Blair excused herself and walked outside. The new family deserved time to themselves, especially if she couldn't get a grip on what she was feeling. It's the past Blair, you can't let what happened then continue to haunt you. Though as she thought those words, memories she'd wished she could forget began to slip into her subconscious.

Blair's fingers trembled as she opened the envelope. It had come with the rest of the royal mail in port earlier that day, but she'd hidden it away until she could steal a moment to herself. Part of her knew the charade she'd kept up the last few weeks was pointless, her heart already knew even if it had yet to be substantiated with proof.

Placing a hand on her stomach, Blair looked around her quarters on the ship her eyes resting on a photograph of her and Louis the night he had proposed. With shaking hands she pulled the paper from the envelope, unfolding it and searching for what she was looking for, braced for the truth. What she saw was not a surprise, what she felt, on the other hand, was a complete shock to her system.

She could hardly breathe as she tried to assess what she was feeling, it didn't make any sense, why did she feel like this? Laying the results of the test on her dresser she walked out of her cabin, taking the stairs up to the main deck careful to hold onto the rails as she climbed. The salt air seemed to soothe her as she breathed it in, telling her that right now this was where she needed to be, this is where she'd be able to think.

Continuing her walk around the deck she made her way to the starboard side of the boat she held to the rails leaning back as the wind blew her hair from her face. She pulled her wrap more tightly around her, surprised by the chill in the night air. They were traveling to St. Petersburg because Louis had decided he wanted to show her the white nights but it was still May and the sky was still rather dark, the air still cool. She didn't mind though, it felt good. Inhaling deeply she felt as if the sea air was washing through her, allowing her to sort through what she was feeling.

All along she'd known what the test would say so she'd spent all of her time working out what she was going to do, what she was going to say so that she and Louis could still move forward. She'd even contemplated the possibility of offering to have it taken care of; anything to keep him and the life they were building. But when she'd seen the results she'd been shocked by the sudden feeling of relief. There was an instant feeling of freedom that had scared her, until now she hadn't realized that this wasn't what she had wanted for herself.

Smiling to herself, Blair knew she now had a whole new set of problems to work through but she felt strong because she knew it was right. Releasing her hold on the railing she prepared to turn but the next thing she knew she was falling forwards towards, the water rushing towards her, barely managing a scream.

She felt the air leaving her body as she hit the water with a sharp jolt. Surprised at the chill she felt, she froze for a moment, but it wasn't long before her survival instinct kicked in and she started to scream as she swam towards the boat.

"Help!" Blair shouted repeatedly as swam for the boat. She knew that she needed to reach the back of the boat where the boarding steps were located, it would be difficult but if she reached them she could pull herself up. Exhaustion started to overtake her as she struggled to keep up with the fast moving boat. She was losing ground and it was taking all she had to angle her strokes through the wake of the boat to get where she needed to be.

Relief washed through her as she felt her hand close on the dock but she knew it wasn't over as the waves from the boats movement continued to beat her tired body. Slinging an arm onto the dock she felt her hand grasp the railing for the steps and used the hand on the edge to help her launch herself. Screaming at the effort she felt herself clawing her way up the dock.

Breathing heavily she paused on her hands and knees, for the first time realizing that she'd been pushed. However just as that thought came to her mind she was rocked by a crippling pain. Screaming for help she forced her body to move dragging herself up the stairs.

"BLAIR!" Louis shouted as he reached her. He'd almost been asleep when he heard the shout before the repeated screaming, he'd just now reached her, quelling the fear that had been racing through him since the moment his brain realized that the screams were hers. Pulling her into his arms he held her tightly. "Dear you're shaking with the cold, it's going to be okay now, we will get you inside."

Blair let out another blood curdling scream as her nails dug into Louis arm, pain rippling though her body.

Louis was overwhelmed at what was going on. Relief that she was safe and in his arms, confusion at her screams, and fear at the look of pain on her face. Lifting her writhing body he shouted to those above them on the dock who'd come outside at the noise. "Someone get a doctor, something's wrong." He didn't even see the blood on the dock.

"What's wrong with her?" Louis asked as he laid her down on her bed, the doctor coming close behind to examine her. "She fell in the water, I think, but she was on the back dock when I reached her, I don't know why she's screaming."

The doctor worked quickly even as Blair continued to jerk with pain, her eyes clenching together as she tried not to scream. "She's miscarrying." The doctor spoke as he saw the blood spreading across her thighs even through the soaked material of her nightgown.

Louis staggered backwards. "You're pregnant." He asked, looking at Blair as she seemed to calm.

Blair's body relaxed giving Louis a sad nod, she could feel that the worst of it was over. She knew the doctor was talking; but she didn't care what he said. She'd known the moment the pain had begun what was happening and she knew that it was done, she felt empty. "I was." She said interrupting the doctor as she allowed one tear to fall down her cheek.

The anguish on Louis's face was too much for her to handle. Pushing herself to a sitting position, she ignored the doctor who was telling her to lay down and rest though she did allow him to wrap a blanket around her. Looking around the room her heart clenched as she noticed the empty dresser, the results were gone. Shaking her head, she pushed it from her mind, it didn't matter. "We need to talk." She spoke as she looked up at Louis before shooting the doctor a glare that said it was time for him to go. "You can come back later and do whatever you need." She spoke as she dismissed him.

"Oh Blair." He spoke, obviously heartbroken. He took her hand in his, concern and grief flooding his system. "What were you doing leaning over the railing? If I'd lost you . . ."

The pieces clicked together in her mind as she patted a spot next to her on the bed for Louis to sit. Meeting his gaze she spoke with certainty. "I didn't fall...I was pushed." Immediately she saw that he wanted to say something, he was clearly shocked. "And I know why." She said exhaling.

Louis's brown furrowed but she could tell he was going to listen to whatever she had to say, he was so trusting. "There's something I have to tell you about the baby." Forcing herself to continue to look into Louis's eyes she pursed her lips. "It wasn't yours."

Blair felt Louis flinch, just as she expected him to do. She gave him credit for not withdrawing his hand from hers. "Chuck's?" He asked.

Blair nodded slowly. "Yes. He and I were together right after our engagement."

Swallowing, Louis looked down at their hands, his thoughts racing until he settled. "Okay." He spoke, his voice calm as he looked up at her. "You are certain it was his?"

Once more Blair nodded. "I received the test results today."

Squeezing her hand lightly, Louis felt strangely at peace though he wasn't entirely sure what was coming of this. "What does that have to do with someone...pushing you?"

"The test is gone." Blair said inclining her head towards where the test should have been on the dresser. "Whoever found it was probably pretty angry."

Louis was about to tell her it wasn't possible, that no one on staff would have pushed her overboard no matter what that found when he realized it wasn't someone on staff. "Beatrice." He spoke, voice low. He knew just as he'd always had once one of Beatrice's schemes was revealed. This time though he was certain, as he'd been the one to ask her to check on Blair, knowing that she'd seemed upset today.

Blair shrugged. "It doesn't matter." She spoke taking hold of his hand comfortingly as he'd begun to pull away.

"It damn well does matter." Louis shouted voice rising. "She pushed you over the side of the boat, you lost the baby, and you could have been killed!"

Blair shook her head as she placed a hand on his check. "I am so sorry." Removing her hand she reached down and took off the engagement ring before placing it in his hand. "It's time for me to go home."

Exhaling, Blair unconsciously felt her hand slide to her stomach as it sometimes did when she remembered. Beatrice had been found in the corner of her own bedroom, crying as she clutched the paper in her hand muttering over and over, 'what have I done?' She'd pushed Blair overboard in a fit of blind rage at discovering the test results and it was clear that she wasn't anywhere near stable. Part of Blair hated Beatrice for what she'd done but a larger part hated herself, it was her own fault for not following her heart.

Breathing, she walked towards the hospital exit, exhaling as she passed through the atrium where Chuck had once proposed before Dan had slammed his fist into his face. Every part of this city was coated with memories of them, it's why even when Chuck wasn't in town she'd stayed away. Now it was something she relished. In moments like this, even unhappy memories served to comfort her when they were memories of Chuck.

Almost as though she'd summoned it, her cell phone began to vibrate in her purse. Making sure to glance at the caller id this time she wasn't entirely shocked to see who it was. "Hello Chuck." She spoke, a smile brimming on the edges of her voice.

Chuck frowned on the other end of the line at the little jump he'd felt in his chest. Certain that it was simply anxiety at why he was calling, he pushed the feeling away. "What were you thinking, calling Gwen and involving her in this game of ours?" He spat into the phone.

Blair almost laughed, but she maintained her composure feeling a twinge of satisfaction at the word 'ours'. "This isn't a game." Blair spoke immediately to which he scoffed, but she continued as though he hadn't. "Though if it were, you're the one responsible for involving her. I can't control what pieces you choose to put in play and I reserve the right to move those pieces as I choose. Hypothetically speaking of course because as I said, this isn't a game."

Chuck still hadn't responded so Blair spoke again, her tone one of feigned innocence. "Furthermore, I called your suite, I can't control the fact that she's the one that answered."

At that Chuck almost growled. "You knew I'd be at the office. And even if you didn't, had you been trying to contact me you would have just called my cell."

Blair grinned though he couldn't see it. She of course had known he'd be at the office and what he didn't know was that she'd known for certain Gwen wouldn't be. They'd run into each other shopping a few days before and had discussed that Gwen didn't work Fridays choosing instead to devote that day to her philanthropy projects. That she'd been at Chuck's had been pure luck. "I didn't know she'd be there. She's a CEO too, I assumed she'd be working. I was just going to leave a message."

Chuck could hear in her voice that she was stretching the truth but it wasn't like there was anything he could do about it. "Still, you had no business involving Gwen in this mess between us."

Blair laughed gently at Chuck's obvious ire. "So I guess this is you calling to say no." What he said next was an intelligible grumble and then she knew. Laughing aloud this time she had to cover her mouth to keep from making an unladylike sound into the phone. "Oh my God, this is you saying yes."

"Not because I want to." Chuck spoke, still grumbling.

Blair shook her head, not even realizing quite how masterfully she'd played this until now. She'd thought Chuck might feel guilty and come but now she realized that it was more than that. "You couldn't tell Gwen you didn't want to see me without explaining why and we wouldn't want poor Gwen getting suspicious would we?"

Chuck could hear the self-satisfaction in her voice and he wanted nothing more than to tell her to go to hell but he couldn't because he knew she was right. He was trapped. He couldn't have said no to the dinner that Gwen had so encouraged - wanting him to rekindle his friendship with Blair - without giving her a reason to be suspicious of their relationship and finding out things he wasn't ready for her to know. "Shut up Blair. I'm meeting you for dinner, isn't that enough?"

Blair calmed instantly, he was right, game or no game, she'd won this round. "Certainly. Let's do Arabella's on 32nd and Madison at 8:30."

As she hung up the phone, she once more couldn't wipe the smile off her face, noting that even arguing with Chuck had the ability to make her happier than anything else.

Okay so as you can see this chapter was rather Blair heavy and before the questions come about why there are so many Blair flashbacks and not a lot of Chuck ones. It's more to set the scene for the next few chapters. Before I can tell you what happened in the Hamptons there's a lot you need to know about Blair whereas most of my Chuck flashbacks come from after the Hamptons. So anyway, hope you enjoyed!

Reviews are always appreciated!
xoxo
kate