Chapter 5: Promised Pain

The sight Aqua awoke to was unexpected and unwanted. She found a horde of Heartless sleeping near her, and with her. A Darkball as a pillow, a few Earth Core lazily nestled around her like wolves around their pack-mates. A Flame Core sat nearby, its fire granting a hint of warmth in the cold Realm of Darkness. A few Shadows slept on her kind of like that one time she had seen Ven sleep next to 'big brother' Terra after a nightmare with them both a sprawl of limbs and drool, to her amusement.

This was not amusing however.

She let our a ragged breath, trying to understand what in the hell was-

Her Heartless stalked the Realm of Darkness, brooding, something about those Keybearers pulled at her in a way she didn't understand. It made her watch them, go after them for reasons she couldn't fathom. It was a waste of time, she had to keep going, keep feeding, keep seeking... seeking something, she didn't know what, but it didn't matter. She should feed on them and be done with it. But she never struck them down and fed off their hearts, she had come close a few times, and had been willing, only to be driven off or distracted. They should be nothing, mean nothing, yet...

They filled her with an odd sense of longing, a desire for companionship that was alien to her. She contemplated it for a moment before tilting her head back, letting her desire spill out into the dark around her. Her friends, her brothers and sisters, her kin, the Heartless swarmed to her at her call. She rested against a nearby rock and let them nestle in around her, eager for her touch and acknowledgement, to be near so great a darkness. She let them, and basked in the moment as the longing faded away for the moment...

-and let out a sharp gasp as the memory hit her. She... she must have been bleeding her emotions into the darkness around her while she slept, calling to them unknowingly like her Heartless had once done. Once more, she was confused, and worried, by the reaction of the Heartless to her. It wasn't the same as simply obeying a strong dark heart, they came to her willingly, at the slightest provocation. If she hadn't given a command not to come, they probably would have been swarming her during that 'talk' earlier. Why? Why! She wasn't her Heartless! Why were they drawn to her like this?!

The Heartless began to stir at her agitation, some rising and looking around in equal agitation, as if searching for an enemy, or the source of her displeasure. Aqua took a deep breath, let it out, and bolted to her feet, brushing away from the Heartless, making a Dark Corridor, and rushing through. She came out at the top of the Land of Departure, with the sun setting. She took in another breath, shaky, before moving to sit at the edge of the mountain, staring off aimlessly into the darkening night sky.

On top of all the Heartless mess, she had wasted the day away sleeping in the Realm of Darkness. Way to mess up her sleep schedule as well. She sighed, moderately depressed, and wondered what the hell she was going to do with her life...

"There you are," came Terra's voice in a teasing tone, "Thought we were going to have to go track you down."

Aqua glanced back, sighting both Ven and Terra approaching, relief on their face; she however wasn't in a teasing mood. "Like the old days at the Masters bidding huh?"

There was a slight flinch in Terra's hands. "Right, I don't think I ever apologized for that."

She shrugged and returned to staring out aimlessly at nothing. "You had, and still have, the right to."

Ven sat down next to her on one side, Terra on the other; the latter spoke, "Look, we're sorry about earlier..."

Aqua shook her head. "You had the right to ask, I was just... overwhelmed by all the emotion in the air."

Ven leaned forward a bit. "In the air...?"

"I could feel what everyone was feeling, it was... a bit much, especially with that topic," she said.

"You can... feel other people's emotions? How?" asked Terra.

She shrugged. "It's something I've been able to do since I started actively using the darkness. I can feel emotions, feel someone's presence and affinity, really easily."

Terra tilted his head back in thought. "Interesting... perhaps that's how Xehanort and Vanitas tracked us so easily back in the day."

"Perhaps, but Xehanort had other methods, I... I vaguely recall something from when I had his heart in mine," muttered Aqua, "The Recusant Sigil, anything that resembles it he can use as a method to listen and observe from them."

Ven chocked a little. "W-wait, what?! Are you kidding me?"

"I wish I was," said Aqua softly.

"So anything that resembles an X can be used to spy on us?" asked Terra in disbelief.

Aqua nodded. "So long as Xehanort's had the chance to put a bit of his magic or darkness in it."

Terra frowned intently. "We're going to need to do an indepth inspection of the Land of Departure, and all our clothes and items, later on."

Aqua shrugged. "Xehanort is dead, but, someone else could tap into them down the road, so it's for the best."

There was an uncomfortable silence at that. Aqua turned to glanced at Terra's clothing, at the giant red X on his shirt. While he didn't change his taste in clothing, she was pretty sure it wasn't the same one from ten years ago (it better not be, or she'd be having a talk with Terra about bad habits). Still... Xehanort's heartless had been around until recently. She reached over, pushing aside his Master's cloak, and placed a hand on the X, making him go watchful but still, and closed her eyes. She felt it with but a brief pass of her darker senses, a thread of Xehanort's power. Her face scrunched up with an old familiar loathing as she pulled.

She withdrew her hand, a small flame of dark energy floating above it, and snarled, "Case and point."

Terra stared at it unsteadily, closing his eyes and holding his hand close to it. "It can't feel things quite like you can, but yeah... that's... a Xehanort vibe. Son of a..."

Aqua waved her hand out infront of her, bursting the dark energy away with distaste, wiping her hands on her leggings as if to get off something foul.

"No wonder he and his Heartless were always able to go circles around us," growled Ven.

"It's another reason that learning about the Darkness and it's capabilities is so important," mused Terra tiredly, "There's so little we know. And our ignorance is... was... to his advantage, and anyone who would abuse that power down the road."

Aqua nodded slowly. "I know."

They sat there in silence for a little while, Aqua closing her eyes and simply enjoying her friend's presence.

Eventually, Terra cleared his throat. "Aqua."

She opened her eyes and turned her head. "Yes?"

"Ven and I... we want to talk to you," he said.

A sense of dread filled Aqua's stomach, she had the most awful hunch..., "About what?"

"If you are up for it, with just Ven and I, no Eraqus or Yen Sid or any of the apprentices, we want to... to talk, about what happened back then," he said hesitatingly.

"Ah," she murmured, "I was wondering when this was going to happen."

"Saw it coming huh?" teased Ven lightly.

Aqua shrugged. "I knew I was in for it, you have ever right..."

"It's not about having a right to ask or know," said Terra, "It's if you are willing. We wont force you to talk about the past if you don't want to. But we want to know, we want to understand, we want to help."

She went silent.

"We hadn't meant earlier for that question on Darkness to tread into this, not with everyone there," said Terra apologetically, "There's just... we all know so little of what happened on your side of things back then. So much we missed. That Xehanort had been influencing you under our nose the entire time had been... bad... to learn. Eraqus couldn't help his reactions, we had all thought we had come to terms with everything that happened, only to realize how little we truly knew or understood. So lets pretend for this discussion, even if we retread over points already covered, that Ven and I know nothing about what happened to you."

Aqua sighed softly. "It's... not exactly a comfortable story. I did things back then... that I'm not proud of, had things happen to me that still haunt me to this day."

"Back then? It hasn't been that long for you though," pointed out Ven, "A week after we beat Xehanort, then these last few days since you came back."

Aqua closed her eyes tightly. "I... yes... you're right. The memories of my Heartless and Nobody distort that a bit for me."

"Where do you want to begin?" she asked quietly.

"At the very start," said Terra.

Aqua slowly opened her eyes, she did not want to do this, however..., "If your talking about when he first cracked my heart, that's a bit further back, but..."

Did they really want to make her retell this part again? It hurt enough the first time earlier...

"When it happened, I couldn't... understand what was happening to me," she admitted, "The Darkness had just come out of nowhere, and I couldn't get a handle on my emotions. After being in control for most of my apprenticeship, this was... I was terrified, afraid of myself. I had so much doubt, I had thought I was failing-had failed, the Master's teachings, and continued to think that for a long time, what with me becoming second-fiddle to you Terra. I'm... not proud of the jealousy I developed towards you."

Terra sighed softly. "The only reason I became what I am now is because of you."

Aqua's eyebrows furrowed. "Me?"

"The moment I saw you, someone I had always deemed as the 'perfect Keyblade Weider' up to that point, struggling with your darkness, it... shocked me," he admitted, "Scared me into getting my act together."

Aqua was silent for a moment, before softly speaking, "I fell and you rose because of it."

"That's not how I look at it, but... I suppose you could say so," said Terra.

"Well, at least there was some good out of that mess," muttered Aqua before shaking her head, "Still, I'm... glad I was the one who suffered and not you."

"You shouldn't have," said Terra, "None of us should have."

She gave him a sad smile before looking back out into the darkness of the night. "I struggled for years with my darkness, and my emotions, depression wasn't uncommon, but you two had a habit of picking up on that and dragging me out into your games or teasing me enough to get me mad rather than sad. On the other end of the spectrum, I felt shame, such shame, at the slowly growing desire to learn more. It was at it's worst whenever Xehanort gave me his little speeches and lessons. But, it didn't... take off really, until I left the Land of Departure."

She glanced up into the night's sky. "I suppose the issue of it came to a head at the Mark of Mastery Exam. I managed to hold myself together up until that point. Or maybe... the night before. I tried so hard to push that to the back of my mind, but... I... it was a dive. I didn't want to think about it, or what it truly meant, but it was a dive, and a warning of what was to come."

Terra's voice was sharp. "You... yeah, you told me that didn't you? You had a second dive after your initial one? As I understand it, that's rather rare."

Aqua shrugged. "I suppose. It's... sadly funny in a way, the voice in the dive... hinted pretty heavily at what Xehanort wanted. I was to blind to his schemes at that point to catch on. Said that in the end, only my choice would matter, and it did, I screwed up so badly..."

She abruptly shook her head. "That's... that's later. T-the Mark of Mastery, that's what we're on right now."

"Hey hey, easy Aqua, slow and steady," said Ven, putting an had on her shoulder.

She looked away from him, taking a moment to compose herself, before starting again. "The moment I took on my first command style... the moment I actually held my own against you Terra for the first in years, the thrill of it, I lost myself in it, in the feeling of being strong for once. I hadn't felt so sure of myself in so long..."

She shook her head. "But I took it to far, I hurt you, and could have done a lot worse if I hadn't snapped out of it."

"But you did snap out of it," said Tera, "And besides, it was the Mark of Mastery, it was kind of expected that we'd rough eachother up. Eraqus told me about his first exam once, it ended with both him and Yen Sid bedridden for weeks. Apparently they had quite the rivalry when they were younger. Neither of them passed that exam."

Aqua's eyebrows shot up. "The Master failed his first exam?"

Terra nodded. "Mhm, needled Yen Sid about it, but he didn't want to talk, said 'the mistakes of the past are best left there'."

Ven snorted. "He just hates to admit he was worse then we were at that age."

Terra grinned. "Perhaps."

Aqua cracked a smile at that before looking back out into the darkness. "Even though I had already suspected the outcome, it was one of the most crushing moments of my life to have failed the exam. Of course, Xehanort latched onto that, followed me after I took off in order to pour more of his poison into my ears."

She grew uncomfortably silent for a minute, a tinge of bitterness leaked into her voice, "After we were given our mission to protect the Princesses of Heart and go after the Unversed, I... I hadn't meant to eavesdrop, but, I heard the Master give you your orders to watch me, Terra, to drag me back here if I so much as stepped out of line after he had just told me he had faith in me. I felt like a betrayal."

Terra sighed softly. "He was worried and concerned for you. I won't lie that the order's didn't sit comfortably with me. At least..."

His eyes grew a little distant, lost in a memory. "Not until I saw you go after Maleficent like that. Then, I wanted to bring you home and get you help."

Aqua snorted. "That Witch..."

She shook her head. "She let me believe for so long it had been me who took Aurora's heart. It made me so damn angry. For a single fight, against a giant Unversed in Aurora's castle, I think that was the first time I really stopped holding back my darkness."

Terra shook his head. "What was it about Vanitas and creating gigantic Unversed? I swear, Ven and I fought one on every world we went to."

Aqua smiled a little in amusement. "I dunno, why not ask Ven?"

Ven rolled his eyes. "Beats me. We merged hearts, but all his memories were kind of a jumbled mess. I still haven't sorted through them all."

He frowned. "I'm not sure I want to, to be honest. Xehanort made his life a living hell."

He rubbed his eyes. "Common theme there."

"Yeah," Aqua said bitterly, "It is."

She shook her head slightly before continuing, "I went to track down Maleficent after I beat the Unversed. I... don't like to admit it, but I was more than a little angry, frustrated, and a bit miserable when I saw that someone else had freed Aurora's heart. I'm happy that Ven was able to do it, but... I had at the time wanted to 'redeem' myself."

Ven scratched his head. "Sorry?"

She laughed a little. "It's fine Ven, you did good there."

She grew quiet for a moment. "I wanted to kill her, I really did. I think I honestly might have, if she hadn't made me that offer. She said it was because of my lack of control of my darkness that she had been able to control me. I feared it happening again, being used against anyone else. So... when she offered to teach me to control and keep my darkness in check."

"I'll admit, I was surprised when you said that earlier. You truly learned from that Witch?" asked Terra.

"I did," said Aqua softly, "She was also the person who told me my heart was cracked. Told me it was a few years old. I came to the right conclusion that it involved my first incident with Xehanort, but that it was my fault and not his. I should have realized it then, but... I didn't. I stayed there for awhile, learning from her."

"Figures," said Terra in a whiny voice, "We go search alllll thoooose other worlds, and you hadn't even left that one!"

She smiled a little and slugged his shoulder. "You needed the exercise you lazy bum."

"Lazy!" he said, scandalized, before flexing his arms, "You call these muscles lazy?"

They all laughed, settling down into a relaxed state for a bit, simply staring out into the night's sky.

Eventually, her happiness faded as she recalled what else had happened there. "Maleficent is also the one who opened my eyes to Xehanort's treachery. She told me he had been the one who told her to use my darkness against her. She turned on Xehanort, like the scheming witch she is, because she thought it would be better to get into my good graces than his, thought I'd end up stronger than Xehanort."

"Well, you did beat him," said Terra.

Aqua shook her head. "No Terra, I didn't. When Xehanort and I fought at the graveyard, he held back the entire time. He didn't want to damage his new potential host. He let me win that fight, it was when he threw his heart at me that I caught and crushed it. There was never a true full on fight between the two of us."

"Kind of feel cheated out of it to be honest," she muttered, "But that's my own fault, I could have ended him, instead I did something so stupid..."

"Later Aqua," said Terra, poking her shoulder, "That's way ahead."

She sighed. "Yeah, I suppose. Anyway, the training came to an end when she sent me out to fight against Unversed for a few hours using my darkness. Had a run in with Vanitas..."

Ven made a chocking sound.

"What?" asked Aqua.

Ven's face twitch a little, trying to suppress a laugh. "I uh... just remember something he said to you."

Aqua's eyebrows furrowed. "And...?"

"Temper temper, you're leaking darkness, is it that time of the month?" said Ven in a mock Vanitas tone.

Aqua turned beat red.

Terra tilted back his head and laughed. "Oh man. I didn't like Vanitas or anything, and darkness isn't something to joke about, but he got you good there Aqua."

"There is a several hundred foot drop off this cliff Terra, do not tempt me," she said, trying to sound angry and stern, coming off more as squeaky and embarrassed than anything else.

Terra just tilted his head back down and grinned at her.

Aqua crossed her arms and looked away, huffing irritably. "Pff, and to think I had Maleficent teach me how to make a Dark Corridor and took off after that because he threatened you guys."

Terra's smile faded a bit. "I wish you hadn't. Coming across you almost dead against that giant unversed in Radiant Garden was one of the most terrifying moments of my life."

Aqua shrugged, not looking at him. "My life is a price I would have paid in exchange for either of yours."

"It's not one we would have wanted you to," said Terra firmly.

Aqua didn't feel like arguing with them about it, and instead moved on. "It almost didn't matter. I tapped to deeply into my darkness during the fight against the Trinity Armor. I ripped the crack right open into a full blown wound. My heart started falling apart the moment I dove through that Dark Corridor."

She absolutely refused to linger or acknowledge the brief argument she had with her friends. She couldn't bear it at the moment.

She shivered a bit. "I'm not sure I've ever felt pain like that before. But, I forced myself to push through it when I heard a little girl screaming."

Aqua lost herself for a moment, in the pain filled memories of that battle. "I kept bringing out my darkness, despite the agony, to try and keep Kairi safe, but the Unversed never stopped coming, until I couldn't bear it anymore and fell. Kairi... somehow drew out her power then, beat back the Unversed, and dove into my heart."

"I'm still in disbelief over that," admitted Terra, "When Kairi told us what happened back then. The power of a Princess of Heart is not to be underestimated, no matter the age."

"I woke up in an infirmary afterwords, feeling better than I had since before Xehanort cracked my heart," she said, "For obvious reasons."

She shook her head. "I spoke with Kairi for awhile. I was... afraid to leave the girl unprotected, and she said she wanted to become 'a hero'. I should have known better than to lay this kind of life on her, she was a little girl, she didn't understand, but, I chose her to become a Keybearer."

"She seems to have taken to it," said Ven.

"Has she?" asked Aqua, a little bitter, "All I've seen and heard thus far leads me to believe I just inflicted a life of pain on her. I promised to go back for her, and instead I ruined her life with my failings. It nearly broke that girl to lose her family twice."

"That would have happened with or without her having a Keyblade," said Terra.

"Would it?" said Aqua, bitterness growing, "The only reason my Heartless went for Traverse Town was because it felt Kairi's Awakening."

"It would have gotten there eventually anyway," countered Terra, "And without the Keyblade, Kairi would have been... well, not defenseless, but a lot worse off."

Aqua stubbornly didn't acknowledge his words, and held onto her bitterness as she forced them to the next topic. "After that, Xehanort tried to lure me into a kind of trap. Sent his yes man Braig after me..."

"The guy who helped us at the graveyard?" asked Ven, "He was with Xehanort?"

"I'll explain that later Ven," said Aqua, "I followed Braig down to the depths of Radiant Garden, and found Xehanort 'somehow' having been defeated and chained to a pipe as Braid's supposed captive."

"It was one of the most unbelievable things I've ever seen," said Aqua with disdain, "Xehanort must have thought me an imbecile to not find something fishy with that whole scenario. There was no way some thug could beat a Keyblade Master. Not to mention he had told Braig about the Keyblade, and the man thought beating me would get him one."

Terra snorted. "Yeah right."

"I know, the whole setup was beyond stupid," said Aqua, shaking her head, "Anyway, I trashed Braig pretty badly. Freed Xehanort, and listened to his spiel about letting Braig capture him as a test to see of my progress. Tempted me by saying I was worthy of being called me 'Master Aqua'. Told him only Eraqus could deem me a Master, and then he proceeded to try to turn me against the rest of you subtly. He also slipped up and mentioned Vanitas by name, which was another warning bell to me."

Terra... really didn't seem impressed. "He schemed better in the last ten years then he did there."

"After we parted ways, I stuck around to spy on him," said Aqua, "And confirmed my fears. I saw Braig come back and talk with Xehanort, as did Vanitas. I followed Xehanort through a Dark Corridor and to a house of his in the Keyblade Graveyard. I decided to come back later, and went to Yen Sid to see if I could learn anything about Xehanort from him."

She frowned, and summed up that entire meeting with four quick words, she didn't want to linger on it. "Not that I did."

She didn't give them a chance to question her on it. "Afterwards, I went back to Xehanort's house. He was gone, so I rifled through his reports, and figured out his plans. It was... horrifying, and so infuriating, to at last understand. But... it wasn't only his reports there... but books upon books and notes upon notes about all his experiences and studies."

She closed her eyes before confessing, "I did something then, that I fear is what allowed Maleficent to create her Ascended."

There was an uncomfortable and uneasy silence before Terra asked softly, "What did you do?"

"I wanted to read and learn everything that I could in order to prepare myself to defeat Xehanort. But, I needed a place to do so. I contacted Maleficent, and she helped me bring them there, replacing them with magical created copies to not tip Xehanort off," she said quietly, "I gave Maleficent every scrap of information Xehanort had."

"Maybe you did, but you are not responsible for what she did with that information Aqua," said Terra firmly, "While giving her access to that information was a questionable thing to do, I don't argue with that, her actions are not your actions."

Aqua merely looked away. "They feel like they are. I enabled her. Another of my many mistakes."

"But even then...," she said, a tremble going through her body, "What I did in her castle to prepare myself for Xehanort was even worse..."

She could feel it from. Dread anticipation, they both did and didn't want to know what she had done. "I... in order to figure out a way to repel Xehanort's heart from entering mine... I... we... used her pig minions..."

She trailed off, and really thought about it, about what she had done really meant. This... this was so much worse than giving Maleficent books.

She feared.

She feared so much.

That they would reject her for this.

Banish her from the world.

But... she... she had to do this.

She couldn't lie or hide from them anymore.

Had to confess... just... just had to come out and say it.

All it was, was a few words.

Just... get it over with, like ripping off a band-aid.

"We... I used my Keyblade to rip free their hearts, and Maleficent sent them at me to practice repelling and extracting them from my own," she said, guilt and shame lacing her voice, "Turned them into Heartless and practiced controlling them too."

"Aqua," breathed Terra, mortified.

"You... you really did that, Aqua?" asked Ven quietly.

"Yes," was all she could say, staring down into the darkness below the cliff they sat on.

Aqua flinched and shied away as Terra abruptly stood. For a moment, a silly stupid fear filled moment, she wondered if he would lash out. Hit her for what she did. It was a stupid thought, Terra would never do that, but she still feared it, feared that she deserved it. Instead, what he did felt worse.

He walked away.

He moved to the center of the summit and began to pace, his face contorted in a flurry of emotions.

Finally, he turned and stared at her, hard. "How could you do that Aqua?"

She was silent for a time before she answered, despite her anxiety and fear, with a strict firmness. "There is nothing I wouldn't do to protect those important to me. If Xehanort took me as a host, he would have used me to destroy you both."

That seemed to upset him even more than he already was. "Nothing you wouldn't do? Tell me Aqua! Does that include murder? Torture? Wanton destruction? None of us would have wanted you to do anything like that!"

"Terra!" hissed Ven, glaring at him then giving a not-so-subtle glance at Aqua.

"No Ven," she said softly when she saw Terra try to reign his temper in, "Don't ask him to go easy on me. I don't deserve it."

Terra's lips thinned, and he let his control go. "I have never been more disappointed in you Aqua than I am right now. There are many things I could grudgingly understand and look past given the circumstance, such as what you did with Xehanort's heart at the end, but not this. This... this was a betrayal of everything we were taught as Keybearers. Extracting a heart is an act of last resort! Meant to take a damaged heart away to be mended and returned, not as an act of violence! Not to be tossed away and transformed into a Heartless! It was an abuse of your power as a Keyblade Wielder! An act so vile, I never would have expected it from you."

She shrank and shook a little with every word. She wanted to run, to be anywhere but here...

"As the steward of the Land of Departure, it would be my responsibility, my duty, to revoke your mastership over such a crime, if not seal your ability to call a Keyblade," said Terra slowly, cold anger, crushing disappointment, bleeding through his firm voice, "But I'm not going to."

Aqua stared at him, shivering and bewildered. "Why?"

"Selfish reasons mostly," said Terra bluntly, "You are my friend, I wouldn't do that to you. You've suffered as much as the rest of us, is there truly any need to add anymore on top of it? To drive any further wedge between us than there already is? And while it is not an excuse, at all, especially from one of my station, those pig minions were as evil as Maleficent was. I find a hard time feeling pity for them, I'm more disappointed in the act, rather than the victims, as awful as that sounds. Besides..."

He studied her critically. "Keyblade sealing aside. What would stripping you of your Mastership even do? You are remorseful, you came clean rather than hide it, and you could certainly earn your Mastership back eventually. It would be a temporary punishment at best, you already punish yourself more in a way that will never fully go away with your guilt. And judging by how you look now, our disappointment hurts just as readily to, doesn't it?"

Somehow... this felt even worse than having her Mastership or the Keyblade stripped away, not that she really considered herself a Keyblade Master anyway at this point. He made it seem like she shouldn't ever forgive herself... but... had she ever really been planning to? She punished and loathed herself more than anyone else here did. And to see Terra look at her like that... she felt like she should find someplace to curl up and die in...

"Terra!" said Ven, standing up, "That's enough!"

Terra stared at Aqua's shivering form for a moment longer before turning to Ven, eyes narrowed. "Do you even care about what she did Ventus?"

"Of course I do! But I'm not going to berate and drag her down like that!" exclaimed Ven, "She made an awful mistake and an awful choice, I'm not going to deny it, but..."

"There is no buts Ventus," said Terra sternly, "I am not going to strip her of her rank, I'm not going to seal her ability to call the Keyblade, I'm not going to banish her, I'm not going to turn my back on her, I still want to listen, I still want to help her, but like hell am I not going to make my feelings known on this."

He turned and pointed a finger at Aqua. "Never again Aqua. Do not EVER do something like that in our name again. Do not ever extract a heart, murder, torture, or whatever, ANYONE, even someone as foul as Xehanort, in our name again. If someone needs to be stopped, even if you are forced to kill them, then you do it because it is the right thing to do, the just thing to do, not solely because we were threatened. AM I CLEAR?"

"Yes...," was all she could whisper out, terrified.

"That Aqua...," he said, his arm shaking a bit, "That you would do anything in our name, because of or for us, even something like that. Is... it's terrifying Aqua. It's absolutely terrifying."

He lowered his arm, took a shaky breath, and ran it through his hair. "Is there anything else like that?"

"I... not exactly like t-that," she said, "I... trained for a bit... in t-the Realm of Darkness... strengthened myself a-and my d-darkness, practiced controlling h-heartless... if I needed them to counter Vanitas's Unversed, b-but nothing else like that..."

His eyes searched hers for a few moments before he nodded and came back over. But he didn't sit down next to her, nor on the edge of the cliff. He sat on the ground a always from the edge, a ways from her, and simply said, "Continue the story then."

It felt like an insurmountable wall had sprung up between them, and it made Aqua feel brittle and hollow, unstable. Her friends were all she really had, without them... "I... I'm sorry Terra..."

He stared at her silently for a moment before sighing. "I know you are. But I need time to... process. Finish the story, then... then I need to sleep this off like a bad hangover."

Aqua struggled for a few minutes, desperately trying to control her chaotic emotions, before she pressed them down, cut them off with a blunt of darkness, forced herself numb instead of trying to cope with them.

"I trained and studied there for roughly roughly three week," said Aqua, taking on a monotone dead like voice.

Judging by the look Ventus shot her, he looked alarmed and anxious by her tone.

She continued without emotion, without depth to convey what she felt. "Afterwards, I left in search of you two. It took me awhile, but I eventually caught up at that Colosseum. I overheard you and Ven talking about islands, and children."

She paused. "And their capabilities of Keyblade wielders. I can recall being angry about the comment about one Keyblade being enough for a friendship, that our fate was to be avoided."

"That's not what I had meant," said Terra quietly.

Aqua didn't acknowledge the words. "Rather than confront either of you there, I went in search of these islands you spoke of. I found them, met Sora and Riku, talked with them for a bit, and found Sora worthy of the Keyblade, preforming the ceremony."

Her numbness melted a little. "Especially with what I learned Sora had done for your heart Ven."

"My... heart?" asked Ven, confused.

"Before Xehanort brought you to us, when he split your heart in two, the damage had made him think you would die, he had brought you to Destiny Islands to pass away," she said softly, "But there, you instead began to heal. I felt, when I probed Sora's heart, an echo of yours within his, as if they had touched a long time ago. I pieced it together what had happened. Barely a newborn, and he must have reached out to help your heart."

Ventus looked astonished. "Seriously?"

She nodded. "I believe so, with all my heart I do."

Ven looked a bit speechless. "Wow... I mean... I always thought I had known Sora from somewhere before when we met in the flesh for the first time. But that... yeah, I guess that does fit."

He grinned sheepishly and wagged a finger at her. "Don't tell him though, he'll hold it over me forever, saying I owe him one."

Aqua's lips barely twitched in a failed attempt to smile before the numbness came back and she resumed. "I returned to the Colosseum and met with Terra while you fought in the tournament. After Vanitas abducted you, I went in search of Xehanort, and briefly confronted him at the Keyblade Graveyard, where he told me to go home after Eraqus and..."

For a moment, her numbness cracked again, and pure turmoil roiled around her. "...and I confronted Eraqus."

Aqua didn't allow it to fester, and forced herself to brush over it, and the final battle. "Afterwords, we all went the graveyard, I convinced Braig to aid us, he got knocked out, then I screwed up with Xehanort after I saw and felt the X-Blade being forged, thinking I had lost Ventus. I let my anger, my pain, and my hate of Xehanort get the better of me. I wanted him to suffer, and I doomed us all by trying to make my heart a prison for what remained of his after I tortured it into bits and pieces."

She closed her eyes and finished. "I began to hear voices after that, but I never... took alarm to it for some reason. I think it was his meddling, otherwise I should have realized they were his, trying to guide and direct me as he chose. At the end, I had to choose between fully merging with Xehanort into someone new, or ripping our hearts apart. I chose the later, and drove the worlds into a Heartless apocalypse as the price."

She turned to stare briefly at Ven, and then Terra. "The End."

Terra didn't immediately react, a hint of concern in his eyes. "You glossed over a few things."

She turned back to staring out at nothing. "That's the best you are going to get right now."

She wasn't sure, if she allowed herself to feel, and allowed herself to try and go more in-depth on any of those memories that brought such pain, that she tried to shy away from, that she'd survive it. Not right now, not when Terra's justified rebuke and anger and disappointment could shut her down like this.

Light, when had she gotten so weak and fragile? Where had all her strength gone, had it all been an illusion? She had done everything for them, for her friends, and not only were they horrified by it, she had ended up making things so much worse for them, and for the worlds. It sapped her strength like it was the greatest and most malignant curse.

On one had, her weakness was off-putting and would have filled her with self-loathing and disgust if she could feel at the moment, on the other, it was oddly fascinating, to be so detached from everything right now. She had a 'feeling' that this was not going to last long, and that she wasn't going to like the repercussions from it, but it served a purpose.

Terra sighed. "Right. Okay. I think we all need to sleep, and come back to this another day. This is... to much to handle in one sitting. I should have known it would be and tried to split it onto blocks or something. I apologize for that."

Aqua said nothing in response.

Ven stood up, a sad look on his face. "Look, Aqua, it'll be alright, okay? We'll work through this. You are still our friend, you always will be."

It was odd, in a way, she distantly thought, that Ventus could hold back his anger and emotions better than Terra. She knew he still felt them, but he was surprisingly in better control at the moment. He certainly had come a long way.

"Go to sleep Ventus," was all she said in response.

Ven looked just a tad worried, in a way that used to make her fret and flutter around him when they were younger. "Alright... good night Aqua.

"Good night Ventus," she answered automatically.

Terra didn't offer a good-night. "I'll see you in the morning Aqua."

"Good night Terra," she answered back automatically again.

They left her there afterwards, alone on the summit. Retreating to what would most likely be sleepless beds and fitful sleep. She merely rose to her feet, walked over to one of the benches near the mountain part of the summit, and curled into a ball underneath it. She didn't find herself worthy of sleeping on her bed, let alone a bench. On the ground like a monster or an animal was what she thought she deserved.

She laid there for a long time, aimlessly starting out into the summit and the darkness beyond, as the numbness slowly faded and was replaced by absolutely crushing guilt and shame and depression. Her eyes flickered to the edge of the cliffs, wondering if that would be a kinder fate for herself and her friends rather than forcing them and her to have to deal with the mess that was her life. She couldn't even manage to summon the strength to move however, and simply laid there instead.

And laid there. Growing cold in the night's air. Shivering.

And laid there. Not having the strength to move, but not tired, no ability to sleep.

And laid there. Paralyzed, but not.

Until dawn broke over the horizon. She watched the sun rise, but drew no happiness from it. She sniffled a little, snot leaking down her nose. Great... she was getting a cold now. It was just one thing after another...

There was a heavy sound of footfalls, and she saw Terra's boots stride out into the summit. From what she could see, he stretched a bit. Then there was a flash, and she caught sight of the bottom of his keyblade. He began to move repetitively, the swoosh of a Keyblade singing powerfully through the air. A kata then. Coming out to the crisp morning air to exercise probably helped get him ready for the day.

Finally, he banished the keyblade, and walked over to the bench she was under, sitting down with a heavy sigh. "Wonder what today's going to bring after yesterday's mess."

Aqua closed her eyes and managed to turn her head down towards the ground, away from the bench, wanting to drown out his voice, not wanting to acknowledge troubling her friends.

"Aqua...," he muttered to himself, "Why didn't you come to us? Come to me? Was I truly so poor of a friend that you turned to that Witch before me for help?"

Aqua couldn't help it; she chocked a little, sniffling.

"What in the...?" began Terra, starting to his feet and kneeling down on the ground, eyes going wide at the sight of her, "Aqua! What in the world are you doing? Did you sleep under there the whole night? Are you crazy? What were you thinking?"

Something broke. Depression turned into sorrow, and finally she found a release to all that pent up emotion. She turned her head away from him as far as she could and stared sobbing uncontrollably.

"Aqua!?" he gasped in alarm.

He pulled her out from under the bench without a moments hesitation, clutching her tightly to him, running a hand through her hair over and over again. "Aqua, shh, shh, Aqua I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lashed out like that last night, should have been gentler about it, more understanding, I'm sorry. Please calm down, shh..."

He ended up holding her like that for a very long time until she wore herself out and found herself collapsing into sleep...

Authors Notes:

Hurts to acknowledge pain and mistakes in order to heal. (Crushing depression/guilt that makes it almost impossible to move is a very real and very horrible thing for people to go through.)

One major thing out of the way, two(?) to go with Eraqus and the Graveyard/aftermath, but that's sorta happening as we go, maybe. IDK. It's not all going to be angst, but, it does need to happen before we truly progress, or at least some of it.

Sorry for the 3-4~ month delay from the last update. Lost a bit of interest and got drawn into my other stories. Actually, for awhile, it was a struggle to write anything for any of them. I think this last weekend was decent progress. Definitly going with shorter chapters. 7~k is still more than my usual 2.5-3.5, perhaps a good target.

Review Responses:

Umbrardor: I'm a little apprehensive about parts of KH3 as well. Especially Aqua. Are they going to even explain what happened to get her 'Norted' or is just going to happen then be glossed over?

And what can I say? I love forcing progression through my characters, no matter how much it hurts.

The Keeper of Worlds: Do we have any indication of what Larxene's actual name was? I'm kinda planning on holding off on that reunion simply for the lack of the name ..

Fictionfreak9: Check, check, check, check, and check. All true statements :P. Though, I'll try not to have it all be angst, we need some action and progress here and there :P.

Nyxnsu: Glad you enjoyed. And yeah, huge chapters, if I take a break writing them midchapter, (like this one) are an absolute bitch to come back to. You gotta re-read all of what you've written, and previous chapters to try and not clash.

Expressz641: As I answered to Umbrardor, it depends how they handle Aqua being norted. I wasn't exactly impressed by A Fragmentary Passage, it was visually nice, but it felt... lacking, emotionally and storywise to me (and not worth the price tag since I already had Dream Drop and don't give a shit for KHX). 'I guess the darkness of this place is getting to me' or whatever Aqua said leaves so much to be desired as an explanation. There is so much potential for what could have happened in the Realm of Darkness during that time, rather than just time-skip it with a time-crunch or whatever they had it do with 10 years /= 10 years.

I have such hopes for KH3, but I'm also prepared for it to be a crushing disappointment. If it's the later, I might not even draw from it for later chapters, (or even rage-pickup/restart my old KH3 fanfiction attempt and actually finish it) who knows.

ImReallyShort: Yeah... trauma is never fun at all, and requires being worked through.

Being dropped into a game/world is... a difficult thing to think about. Am I as I am now? Do I get powers? If not, then realistically I'd probably get my heart eaten by a heartless before I could do anything and be useless _ .

Anagennissi: Daww, thanks. Just be warned that physical world-building and side-characters are a weakness for me. Hard time building/using them.

Wish I could give Aqua time to heal properly, but that would take years. and Maleficent/Xehanort aren't going to wait that long. I *think* the first trouble/conflict will start in a few chapters revolving around the Ascended/Abominations, and in a really terrible way.

Isn't Kefka the name of the psycho clown in FF6? Not Kefla? Either way, he's... interesting. Where I could use him that isn''t just a repetition of FF6, idk.

Philip Harkin: The power of a spaced out Wall-Of-Text compels me!

Aqua will kind of be brute forced to confront and accept her own darkness during the Mark of Mastery Exam in a rather physical way. (oops teasers/spoilers).

Hnn... you are kind of accurate in a 'terrible use of the light' idea, it will happen. Just not in *how* it happens and *kind of* who it occurs from.

The happy ending in this book, VS happy ending in a sequel, depends if I want to end the series here (Aqua and Co. winning), or with one more book (Xehanort winning). Another book *MASSIVE POTENTIAL SPOILERS SKIP IF YOU DON'T WANT EM*, theoretically titled either Namine: Heart of Remembrance, or simply Heart of Remembrance depending on which route I could go with it, would be difficult to write with what my current thoughts are for its possible occurrences. Its still a very long way away from being written however if I even do do it.

Aqua will remain dark, no worries there. Though, if Xehanort wins and we get another book, I'm tempted for *More potential spoilers* Aqua to flee the timeline to escape him remaking the worlds with KH/X-Blade and perhaps meeting her light cannon counterpart. Would be oodles of fun for her to realize why Cannon won and they lost (if I go that way).

Guest: Braig will eventually have a reappearance, but not as Aqua's apprentice.

FallenAngelOfMadness: Oh, don't worry. Aqua just needs to someone who deserves it to be mad at to release her darker side on. She'll get her chance. Tee hee. And yeah, Terra was never really dark, never got to experience it. Xehanort drew it out of him at times, but Terra never learned to actually use it.

Mmm... feel the pain, FEEL IT!

Alrickit/Patrick the Observer/Vergil Ansem/KnightLawn/BabyAqua619: Thanks, glad you all enjoyed it thus far.