Healing
Their intercourse was hasty and driven by their need of release. Jean Luc's eyes never left hers. When they had found their relieve in each other, Jean Luc collapsed on her and rolled over to the side, totally spent. His breath was ragged, but he felt more human than he had felt in weeks. He looked at the woman next to him. She had turned her head away from him and by the way her chest was moving up and down, he knew she was not alright. He lay his hand gently on her abdomen and whispered her name softly. It was then he realized that she was crying.
Guilt washed over him. Even though she had invited him in, he had used her. He damned himself for not being stronger. He moved into a sitting position and touched her cheek.
"Beverly!"
He did not know what to say. He had hurt the woman he loved more than anyone and jet he had hurt her loving her.
"Please look at me."
His hand was still caressing her cheek. Finally, she moved. She moved her hand above his and he expected her to remove it, but she just turned her head around in his hand and kissed his palm. He felt slightly relieved. He carefully grabbed her hand and started to pull her in a sitting position. When their eyes met again, he was not sure what to make of her. Her eyes were watery and full of emotion.
"I am sorry Beverly. I shouldn't have taken advantage of you", he started to excuse himself stroking her hand lightly.
Beverly shook her head.
"You didn't", she insisted.
She bit her lip trying to find the words to explain what was happening to her.
"I", she started to find the words, but was lost in searching her emotions again. She looked down onto Jean Lucs hand stroking her. The plain gesture of love giving her the strength to continue.
"I don't know what it is with me. I wanted this, too"
She looked up into his eyes for strength and truth.
"I am so overwhelmed."
Jean Luc tried a small smile and was rewarded with her mirroring his gesture.
Jean Luc nodded assuring her, that he understood. He also felt all kinds of emotions and thoughts running through his body. Guilt, shame, happiness, sadness, doubt and hope.
He lifted his free hand to cup her face and stroke his thumb over her cheek. She leant into his touch savoring as much of him as possible.
"I am sorry this was so", he paused looking down on their hands and then up into her eyes again.
"…so unromantic. I always imagined our lovemaking more", he hesitated again.
"..more romantic and intense…" his voice trailed off.
She nodded and shook her head at the same time. Then she lifted her free hand to place it on his neck and pull him close. She placed a small tender kiss on his lips and then leaned her forehead against his. Slowly regaining her strength, she answered.
"No more thinking whether it was wrong or right. No regrets! We both needed relief and we took it from each other. Ok?"
He slightly nodded.
"Ok."
Jean Luc brushed her nose against hers. It felt so good touching her, but he was so scared losing her. He needed her. He needed her to be near. He needed her love, her touch, her voice whispering his name. He needed to know. He swallowed the lump in his throat tears threatening to fall from his eyes.
"I love you Beverly."
She nodded in silent agreement.
He swallowed another lump.
"Will you still be with me tomorrow?"
Here, now he asked the question. The question that had bothered him ever since he had rolled of her. He didn't dare looking her into the eyes, too afraid of what the future held for him.
Beverly drew back and lifted his head so he would look her straight in the eyes.
"Do you still want me then?"
Jean Luc reached over to tenderly brush a strain of her out of her face.
"I have always wanted you and yes I want you."
She smiled.
"Then I will be there. I love you."
He leaned over to kiss her again.
When Beverly drew back, she looked down into her lap again. She needed to get this of her heart. Else the dreams would never stop and else that would not work. It was tough. She swallowed hard and looked him into this hazel eyes. Eyes full of love and compassion for her. She couldn't believe she never really noticed how deep their feelings for each other really were. And although they were sitting here together now, having shared his bed, she knew that they only had just scratechd the surface of what there was between them.
"I am sorry I abandoned you on the Borg ship."
Jean Luc shook his head.
"No, Beverly. It is not your fault. You had to leave."
"I should not have left you behind."
She insisted.
"You had to, or else you would have been dead or even worse, they would have turned you into one of them."
"..But.."
He silenced her by putting his index finger on her lips.
"No but. I order you stop feeling guilty about not taking me back on the ship. And in case it is needed anyways: I forgive you."
She nodded. She knew he was right. She knew he would never even have thought about holding this against her, but she had been struggling ever since they had retrieved him from the Borg, that she of all people had not insisted on bringing him back the first time.
She took a deep breath.
"I guess there is a lot we need to talk about."
Jean Luc nodded. He moved to slip in behind her. She leaned into his firm chest and he held her close to him with his strong arms wrapped around her slim figure. She could feel every move. The gentle sobbing and the raged crying. He held nothing back. She had been thinking about turning around to face him, but she knew better than to do so. He needed to talk and hold her just the way they were. He embracing her thightly, hiding his face in her hair.
And then he started to talk. He started to tell her about everything that had happened on the Borg ship. How raped he still felt. How unhuman he still felt and that she had made him feel more human and alive again. How her blue piercing eyes were the only thing, that kept him from being assimilated completely. How her eyes kept Jean Luc inside Locutus, because he loved her more than anything. and more than anything else he had wanted to be back with her. How he heard her whispering, calling his name.
Save in the arms of her lover she listened to his pain and understood the depth of his despair, fear and sorrow but also of his love for her. Now that she was with him, he managed to allow himself to let out all the pain and hurt.
When they stopped talking Beverly turned around in his arms and started to gently touch and kiss all those parts of his body that had been Borg before. He shivered under her touch, feeling her tender, healing hands taking away the last doubt about his state. Their second lovemaking was more elaborate. Loving and tender they poured out their love for each other. When they lay arm in arm afterwards, they savored the feeling of true love.
"Will you come to LaBarre with me?" he whispered into her ear.
Beverly shook her head.
Jean Lucs eyes widened in astonishment.
"I better not", she started to explain herself.
"Why not."
She gently stroke his cheek.
"You still need to heal. I want your soul to heal. I don't want your health to depend on my presence and love."
Her eyes were filling with tears. This was the hardest thing she ever said to him. She wanted to be with him and she knew she hurt him with her words. But she knew this was the right thing to do. She couldn't be his crotch. That would not work and she also knew that by sending him home alone she risked the chance of being with him when he came back.
"I will be waiting for you Jean Luc. I will not run away, but you need to see where you stand first."
Jean Luc let the words sink into him. He understood. She was right. She was so damn bright and reasonable. Still it was not what he wanted. He wanted her. Finally they were one and now she was sending him away again.
"I understand."
Beverly bit her lips and swallowed back her tears once more.
"Will you at least stay the night?" he plead.
She nodded and turned around in his arms, so she would lie spooned into his chest. He drew her close to him and felt her sobbing. He placed small kisses on the back of her head knowing he needed to let her cry. When her tears stopped they fell asleep. No dreams haunting him that night nor her.