Disclaimer: The Mass Effect universe is the property of Bioware/Electronic Arts. No infringement of these copyrights is intended as this is a not for profit fan fiction work.
Rewrite Notes: Still inspired by the Beyonce song "Save the Hero," from the album I am…Sasha Fierce.
Author's Notes: Sorry this took so long, on the other hand I have been thinking about the story and was able to firm up the storyline.
Revision History: 9/15/2018
Part 1: Chapter 20::12 Days Post-Awakening: Citadel Part 8
"Liara T'Soni?" Sha'ira questioned with a curious look, "I believe she is on Illium now working as an information broker, but surely you know this?"
Shepard frowned, an information broker? During their first conversation the Illusive Man had given her what she thought had been some song and dance about Liara now working for the Shadow Broker when she had asked about her former crew members. Had he actually told her the truth?
She pressed her lips together as she considered exactly what she should say, "Not exactly…things aren't quite as simple as I suspect Spectre Vasir made them seem when she first contacted you." One of Sha'ira's brows rose as the elegantly attired nais in front of her regarded her with what she would normally describe as a 'no shit' expression - only more refined of course. Amanda sighed, how to keep this as simple and short as possible, "I've only been awake for twelve days and neither the Alliance or Council are responsible for the fact that I'm alive instead of dead right now. Cerberus was the one who recovered me and is responsible for my," she waved her right hand toward the unhealed area on her cheek and finished, "reconstruction. As you can see, even after two years I'm still not quite fully healed." That did startle Sha'ira, Shepard saw as the nais's blue eyes widened with her surprise. "This is literally the first chance I've had to contact Liara away from everyone's prying eyes and ears, and if I don't take it now I don't know when or if we will be on Illium any time soon," she explained, trying to keep her tone from turning plaintive. "I'd really like for Liara to hear this directly from me, instead of from the news."
Sha'ira stared at her searchingly for several seconds, as if trying to determine whether or not she was about to say that it was all a terrible joke. Shepard could see the exact moment when the matron realized that wasn't going to happen, and her gaze turned inward as her expression grew thoughtful. Amanda could almost see her mind re-sorting through the facts she had been given and what she had heard during their little gathering, and putting them back together in a slightly different order. Finally the Consort spoke, "That explains why you…" her voice trailed off and she fell silent. The matron dipped her head and closed her eyes, then a few seconds later she let out an audible breath as her head rose and her eyes re-opened. "Spectre Vasir's admonition is understandable now," the nais stated quietly, then regaining her normal tone she inquired "I gather the Council has not yet released any information to the public about your reappearance?"
Shepard snorted in amusement tinged with a touch of bitter emotions, "You mean have they decided what to say about it, or why they held a funeral for me two years ago? Or explained why Cerberus was able to get to me before either one of them?" She shook her head, "Not that they have told me at any rate."
The matron's eyes sharpened briefly at her statement then softened, "Ah, Amanda," she sighed, "twelve days…" Sha'ira shook her head minutely, "Of course I will arrange for you to make your call, and you need have no concern over anyone listening in on you. Even on Illium, where they monitor nearly all of their communications traffic, they do not monitor communications from an avowed Consort. It is part of their agreement with the Republics." Shepard thought Sha'ira was perhaps being a bit overconfident in that assertion, but there was a better chance that the Consort's communications wouldn't be monitored than her own. "I believe I know who to contact to get Liara T'Soni's communications identity number on Illium," Sha'ira continued, "it shouldn't take me very long to find it. Did you want to remain here or visit with the acolytes in the residence hall? I'm sure they would be very pleased if you joined them."
Amanda didn't think she could keep track of a conversation at the moment, "Not right now? Maybe afterward?"
Sha'ira gracefully inclined her head, her expression understanding. She then turned and left, and within moments had disappeared among the garden's greenery. Left alone with only her chaotically flitting thoughts for company, Shepard's mind returned to her conversation with the Illusive Man that first day. Besides speaking of Liara, he had also told her that Garrus had left the Citadel and gone incognito for some unknown reason; Wrex had gone to Tuchanka and actually done what they talked about him doing, which was to unite all the Krogan clans; and Tali had returned to the Flotilla. She hadn't known how much of it to believe, because it had mostly sounded to her like reasons why she could only really depend on Cerberus to help her bullshit. If at least the part about Wrex was true, Amanda was both pleased and touched that Wrex had decided to take up what she knew was a monumental task once again. The krogan Battlemaster had attempted it once before, but after his father, Jarrod, had betrayed him Wrex had left Tuchanka, disillusioned with his race and the way most would rather fight and kill than spend the time needed to rebuild their society. It was a decision she had repeatedly urged him to re-consider. After they had reclaimed his family armor from Tonn Actus, Wrex had agreed to think about it. Perhaps after her death he had actually decided to try once again, but she wouldn't know for certain until she could independently verify it.
Despite the general bad blood between turians and krogan, Garrus, Wrex and she had become quite good friends over the course of their tracking down Saren. There had been a number of nights when she had snuck out with Garrus and Wrex and went drinking away from the rest of the crew. Amanda found she could let herself be more than just the Commander with them; she could just be a fellow warrior seeking a moment of relaxation away from the battlefield. They had never let on what happened those nights and she never heard any of what was said come back to her, just proving that she had been right about her choice of drinking buddies. She hadn't been any less close to Tali; it was just that one didn't take a young quarian barely out of her teens with you to drink with your buddies, nor did one take a sheltered young asari researcher for whom you had certain interests in and talk about the hell you raised several years earlier. After she and Liara became lovers, she had often chosen to spend time with her over going out and drinking with Wrex and Garrus. Something they had teased her about, but had certainly understood.
Concerning Garrus's reported disappearance, Shepard didn't know what to think about that. She had submitted his name as a possible Spectre candidate so that he was better positioned to help her against the Reapers. It made no sense that knowing what was coming he would turn his back on that and disappear, he was no coward. Besides, she certainly didn't put it past the Cerberus leader to engage in a bit if misdirection or outright lying to make sure she didn't go searching for the turian when he didn't think Garrus should be on the team. She would have to keep an ear out, maybe she would hear something or maybe Garrus would search for her himself once he heard news of her reappearance.
Concerning what TIM had said about Liara being an information broker, before the maiden archaeologist had ever met Shepard or heard about the Reapers she had already figured out there was a 50,000-year extinction cycle, that the Protheans had been wiped out during the last one, and that the mass relays and Citadel were most likely not created by the Protheans, but by an even older race. She had discovered all of that by piecing together sparse fragments of information and seeing a complex whole that others could not. No, Shepard could see Liara excelling as an information broker, the only question in her mind was why the switch away from academia? And why with the Shadow Broker? Shepard couldn't care less what the Illusive Man thought of that or whether it was a threat to him or not, but the information, if true, concerned her deeply. What had happened to Liara in the two years since her death?
"Amanda?" Sha'ira came into view upon the path causing the butterflies fluttering around in Shepard's stomach to pick up the beat and start up a conga line dance. "I have Liara's contact information and have already arranged for her to have access to the communications equipment in Nos Astra's Temple of Athame, as that is the closest secure location to her home. They will contact me when she has arrived and everything is ready, which should be in approximately forty minutes."
"Forty minutes?" Shepard repeated blankly, why was she going to the Temple of Athame?
"It is Illium, Amanda," Sha'ira replied with a hint of amusement, "I could not guarantee the privacy of your communication without sending her to a location that I know is not being monitored."
That…made a lot of sense actually. The warning briefings the Alliance gave for those taking leave on Illium included the tongue-in-cheek slogan 'Big Sister IS Watching' for a very good reason. Monitoring devices were ubiquitous on the planet, especially in public spaces. At least by law they couldn't place visual monitoring devices in the public restrooms. Mind you the aforementioned law notably did not extend to a blanket prohibition of monitoring devices in public restrooms, just the assurance that there were no visual monitoring devices within them. "True," Amanda acceded the point, "I'm sure both of us will be more comfortable knowing that our call is actually private. Thank you for arranging it," she said sincerely.
The matron inclined her head in acceptance and then motioned toward the table as she went to pour herself some more tea, "Would you like another cup?"
Shepard altered her path so that she could serve herself then sat down in the seat she had been sitting in earlier. "I should probably explain things a bit more thoroughly," Sha'ira hadn't asked, but she had to be curious about what had happened to her.
"Only if you are comfortable with speaking of it," the Consort calmly responded and then delicately took a sip of the fragrant reddish tea.
Deciding that was a good idea, Shepard took a sip of her own as she took a moment to gather her thoughts, considering all that had happened over the past twelve days. It was hard to believe that less than two weeks had passed since she woke up to the sound of gunfire and fighting. She sighed and then reached up to remove the long blue hood of her asari styled Spectre uniform upon her head, carefully folding it and laying it upon the table before reaching up and rubbing her hand over her quarter inch of auburn hair.
What could she share with Sha'ira that didn't touch on classified information and where exactly should she start? At the beginning seemed obvious, or at least the beginning she had just learned about from Anderson. She frowned pensively, did she really want to start there? She sighed, "Well I guess the place to start is with the attack on the Normandy by the Collectors and my death."
Sha'ira was silent for a moment, then she commented in a carefully neutral tone, "We were told the Geth had attacked your ship."
"The Council and Alliance did think that two years ago," Shepard responded. "At the time of the attack, we couldn't identify the ship that was attacking us. Only that it was a cruiser sized vessel that didn't match any known ship profile. Then, almost half a year ago, the Alliance positively identified a Collector ship and they realized its profile matched that of the ship that attacked the Normandy." In deference to Anderson, she didn't mention that the Alliance had discovered this because the Collectors were behind the attack on Fehl Prime. Personally, she thought the Alliance needed to tell the truth soon or the news would end up coming out all on its own, and when that happened the public would be rightfully angered by the cover up.
The matron nodded thoughtfully and then followed up with the question, "Why do you believe that you died?"
"Because I was flung into space by an explosion after successfully managing to get my pilot, Jeff Moreau, into an escape pod. That was when I found out that my air supply had been damaged during the explosion." She tried focusing on the cup of tea in her hand rather than what she was talking about in an effort not to remember it too well. "It didn't take long for my air supply to run out." The curve of a white planet with its sun rising above the horizon, gleaming brilliant upon the ice below filled her vision as she struggled to take a breath that would not come - she violently jerked her head - sucked in the deep breath that she hadn't been able to a second before and shifted her gaze to some nearby flowers. Dammit, she thought as she rubbed suddenly sweating hands on her thighs. She thought she had mastered this after managing with Dr. T'Rani earlier in the day.
The scent of flowers, amber, and spiciness filled her nose and she turned her head to see Sha'ira standing next to her chair. She had been so caught up in the memory that she hadn't even seen the matron rise and come over. Shepard drew in a breath of the familiar soothing scent, felt herself calm down then looked up to meet Sha'ira's deeply concerned gaze. "I thought Alliance doctors were well versed in how to therapeutically treat memory triggers due to psychological trauma?" the Consort asked her, as she placed one blue hand gently upon her shoulder.
A flashback, Shepard realized, that's what Sha'ira thought she had just witnessed. "They are," she responded, "but my doctor is concerned about possible side effects with what Cerberus did to make sure my neural functions didn't degrade." A slight, puzzled crease formed between the asari's brows, but before the Consort could inquire what she meant by that Shepard explained, "They saturated my neural tissues with synthetic drell neurochemicals to prevent neural degradation. It worked, only it came with some unexpected side effects such as making it much easier to recall my memories of the past as well as affecting how new memories are formed and stored." She sighed, "From what I can tell my memory is drell-like now."
A flash of surprise crossed Sha'ira's face and Amanda knew she hadn't expected that answer at all. Surprise faded into solemn, thoughtful intentness and then the Consort asked, "Do you think that is also responsible for the alteration of the information that was passed onto you from the beacon?"
Now it was Shepard's turn to be surprised, "Yes," she responded after a moment. It wasn't quite the truth, but it was at least very close to the truth.
Deep blue eyes narrowed for a brief moment, and Shepard knew that somehow Sha'ira knew that wasn't the entire truth. She couldn't tell her the truth though, all she could do was give the nais a slightly apologetic, but resolute, look in return. The matron seemed to accept it as her next question returned to the topic of her new memories. "Do you often get caught up in your memories?"
"Not to that extent," Shepard was able to answer this question honestly, "it happens more often if I'm tired or stressed."
Sha'ira gave her a compassionate look and the nais's hand on her shoulder rose, brushed against her cheek and then glided over the top of her head before the Consort returned to her own seat. It probably said something about her state of mind that Amanda found the brief touch as comforting as she did, she sighed, "I'm usually able to control it by focusing on something else or shifting my focus around, but unfortunately it didn't work that time."
"That is a drell technique," Sha'ira informed her.
"It is?" Shepard said curiously, "I couldn't find much out on how they deal with their memories. I did it once and it seemed to work, so I kept it up." She looked at the asari hopefully, "Do you happen to know of any others?"
"Unfortunately no," Sha'ira responded regretfully, "other than that one method I know very little else about how they prevent involuntary memory recalls. I will inquire," she said, then paused and added, "discretely, about other techniques."
"Involuntary memory recall," Shepard mused, her tone a bit dry, "I think I'll use that term rather than flashback."
The nais's dark blue eyes rested upon her thoughtfully, then she asked in a gently concerned tone. "How are you dealing with the change to your memories?"
Shepard didn't know if she appreciated the insightful nature of the question or not, "I keep telling people it's like having a greybox…but honestly from what I've heard about them it's only superficially similar. While it's nice that my memory has improved so much and I can easily recall even the smallest of details now, it's just all so different than before," she admitted uneasily. "For me everything was as it was just two weeks ago, and then I died, and then I wasn't dead, and overnight everything has changed - my body, my memories. Two years have passed for everyone else," she looked down at her hands wrapped around her tea cup, frowning deeply at her thoughts, "and I have to keep remaining myself of that fact even though the reminders of it are everywhere." Amanda fell silent for a long moment as she realized she didn't really want to go any further into this conversational topic at this time. "I don't think greyboxes record emotions either," she abruptly returned to the original topic of conversation, "that's probably the most disconcerting thing about my memories now. It's really like briefly stepping back in time and reliving the exact moment."
"I can see how that would be very disconcerting," Sha'ira responded after a brief moment and there was an undercurrent of sincerity to her tone that caused Shepard to lift her gaze from her teacup to the asari. The Consort's blue eyes were intently fixed upon her and in them Amanda could see an echo of the sincerity with which the nais had spoken. It was then that Shepard realized that she didn't know if Sha'ira's response was only in reference to her memories or to the other…or maybe it was to both.
She nodded, "It is disconcerting," Shepard agreed, slouching in her chair and frowning absently at the greenery around her. "More disconcerting maybe than even knowing that I died, probably because I try not to think of that very often, but I can't really ignore my own memories that well." She thought about it some more, "Or maybe equally…I don't know. I don't really know what to think of dying and now being alive." She looked over at Sha'ira and said quite seriously, "It's not supposed to happen."
The Consort looked at her searchingly, "You speak as if you were clinically dead for an unusual amount of time."
It was at that point that Amanda realized she had left out a few rather critical details. Sha'ira must be wondering why she was so bothered by the idea of dying and then being resuscitated. Though very rare, it was certainly not impossible for someone to die and then be brought back by timely medical intervention. "We were attacked above the planet of Alchera in the Terminus systems, it's a very cold planet with very little atmosphere. The planets gravity well pulled in my body and since the atmosphere was so thin it didn't burn up but survived to actually make planetfall. Then my body froze, and from what I know that's where Cerberus found me, frozen, shattered from planetfall, and burned both by the explosion of the Normandy and from entering Alchera's atmosphere. Bio-synthetics and implants were used to replace the parts of my body that were too damaged to be repaired." She indicated the areas on her face where you could see said bio-synthetics, "As you can see even my helmet didn't perfectly protect me, I think they had to entirely reconstruct my face and my eyes are both cybernetic implants now." A memory of glowing orange in the darkness had Shepard shaking her head to drive it away.
"While I was frozen, Cerberus used an experimental technique borrowed from the Republics to increase my biotic abilities," Shepard continued, "it's why my aura is so strong. My biotics are now substantially more powerful as they were able to double the size of my eezo modules. As for how long they kept me literally on ice, I don't know for certain, but I suspect they didn't thaw me out and start my reconstruction for several months." It was an amazingly brief recital of what she knew concerning her reconstruction, but then she hadn't asked many questions about it outside of asking about her biotics and memory. The fact that she hadn't yet pestered Miranda with questions most certainly said something about her current state of mind, mused Shepard. She was avoiding seeking out too much information about her reconstruction and finding an inordinate amount of comfort in the simplest touch from a friend. Both signs of just how much stress she was currently experiencing, which was of course why her skin graphs were healing so slowly.
Sha'ira sat back slightly in her chair and regarded her with a questioning look that held a subtle sense of confusion to it, as if she were having trouble accepting what Shepard had just told her.
Amanda was sympathetic, it had sounded unbelievable when she first heard it in Miranda's voice logs on Lazarus Station…to some extent it still sounded unbelievable even now. She sighed, "I know how it sounds, it was hard for me to accept as the truth as well." She paused thinking about it, then said reflectively, "The testing Dr. T'Rani did earlier today actually resolved a many of my lingering doubts. She was immediately able to recognize the method Cerberus used to increase the size of my eezo nodules as one originally developed by the Republics. One developed when they were researching whether or not it was possible to increase the size of eezo nodules in Asari similar to the way that a secondary exposure in puberty can increase the size of eezo nodules in salarians. The Republics abandoned the research when they couldn't overcome the problem that the process would burn out the nervous system of a living person. It only worked on cadavers, where you could freeze them or use some other method to reduce or draw off the electrical fields caused by the mass effect fluctuations in the nodes from the procedure." She finally said the word she had been thinking of ever since Dr. T'Rani had danced so carefully around it when speaking of the experiments. Cadavers. Dead bodies. She had really been dead, the thought sank in, making her feel rather strange inside. Miranda hadn't been lying to her.
Sha'ira's chair scraped harshly against the flagstones as the nais abruptly stood, and Amanda jerked her gaze over that way startled by the noise. The asari was staring at her with such a fierce expression that she was taken aback by it. "Do not refer to yourself in such a manner," Sha'ira said forcefully.
"But…" Amanda started to half-heartedly argue only to fall silent upon seeing the sternness in the Consort's deep blue eyes.
"I do not know if what you believe is true or not," the Consort continued, "nor do I really care, the only thing I care about is do you still feel like yourself?"
Sha'ira honestly didn't care that she had been dead? Amanda stared at the nais searchingly, but could see no sign of deception in the asari's sternly fierce expression. The level of emotion that Sha'ira was openly showing surprised Amanda as the matron normally exuded an aura of gentle calmness. Over the months of their conversations while she was chasing Saren the two of them had built up a fairly high level of trust and the basis for a solid friendship. Sha'ira taking the step of granting her guest right in her home indicated that much was true. This display of emotion however, seemed to indicate that Sha'ira felt a bit more strongly toward her than Amanda had realized. "Well the tests Dr. T'Rani did proved I wasn't a clone who had been led to believe she was Amanda Athene Shepard…so yes I accept that I am actually myself," she finally responded to the asari's question.
That got her an expression of surprise as Sha'ira brows rose, "That was a concern?"
"With Cerberus involved?" Shepard responded with a sigh as she recalled the moment when she realized how concerned she had been about the possibility, "I wouldn't doubt they would try something like that if they thought it would work. So yes, in the back of my mind it was a concern of mine."
The matron seemed to take a moment to process that, as her stern demeanor melted into compassion. "Oh Amanda," the Consort sighed as she pulled her chair back into place and gracefully settled back into it. "It sounds like this has been an exceptionally long and difficult day for you and the previous twelve haven't been very easy for you either."
Shepard barked out a slightly bitter laugh at her statement. "Going on thirty hours now, but I did have an anesthesia induced nap earlier while Dr. T'Rani took the biopsy samples she needed for her DNA testing."
Sha'ira looked slightly taken aback, though Amanda wasn't certain if it were due to the number of hours she had been awake or the idea of them needing to put her under in order to take the needed biopsy samples to conclusively prove her identity. The Consort's brow rose as she commented, "And in addition to requiring you to undergo invasive medical procedures and debriefing them, the Council also required you to train your fellow Spectres?"
Shepard snorted in amusement at the question, it did sound rather odd when phrased that way. "Yes," she responded, "biotic techniques from the Prothean memories."
That caused a fleeting look of intrigue to pass over Sha'ira's elegant features, but she did not pursue it. "At least you have managed to get away from Cerberus and back to the Citadel to establish your identity with the Council. Now you can receive proper medical care and, if you are amenable to it, I would be pleased to offer my services to you as a counselor."
"Umm," Amanda temporized, caught by surprise though perhaps she shouldn't have been as well as she knew Sha'ira. What the Consort was offering was very generous, and probably the wisest course of action…in any other circumstance other than the one they were now facing. It was simply too critical for her to determine what if anything the Collectors had to do with the Reapers, and how much more time the galaxy had before the genocidal machines invaded. "That is very kind of you to offer," Shepard said earnestly, wanting Sha'ira to know that she truly appreciated it. Then she drew in a breath and just dove into it, "However, I'll be returning to my ship. The Council has agreed that the Collectors are potentially too much of a threat. They have agreed to let me continue to investigate them, and if possible stop their attacks."
Sha'ira frowned at her, her sky-blue hued brows drawing together and a slight crease forming between them. "You are not even fully healed. How can they require you to go on a mission while you are still recovering?" The matron did not look at all pleased with her decision. It was startling to see, for the only other time Shepard had seen Sha'ira frown was on the day the Sovereign had attacked the Citadel. Even then it had only been for a very brief moment before being smoothed away before any of the others could see it.
"I know, I know," Amanda responded after the moment it took to get over her surprise, "but this is too important to delay." The matron's displeased frown only deepened in response, and it dawned on Amanda that Sha'ira had dropped her consort persona and was letting her see the nais behind the guise of her profession. A profession which required the matron to act as if she were always calm and composed no matter what else was happening around her.
"Certainly you can spare two weeks to heal from your injuries," Sha'ira persuasively argued with her. "And if your mission is that important, then it is equally important that you are physically and mentally at your best for it."
Shepard had to acknowledge that the nais had a point, and actually considered her suggestion for a long moment before regretfully shaking her head. "Not at the pace things are moving. I need to spend time on the ship with my crew instead of sequestered from them, and since the Council has forbidden my crew from stepping foot on the Citadel…" Her voice trailed off and Shepard shrugged, "That means I need to keep on schedule and return to the ship sometime tomorrow." Since the Council now knew about her ship, there was no point in taking the same circuitous route back. She could take a shuttle from the Citadel directly to New Canton, which would only take two or three hours at most. That meant she could now stay until tomorrow evening and still meet her return deadline.
From her expression Sha'ira was not at all swayed by her reasoning, and Shepard resigned herself to an extended discussion about the matter. She knew the matron was only concerned for her wellbeing, but with the high possibility that the Reapers were involved with the Collectors this mission had to come before everything else. Before Sha'ira could make another attempt at persuading her to remain on the Citadel however, the gentle chiming of her omni-tool claimed their attention.
Shepard stared at the golden bracelet which graced the Consort's wrist, her thoughts completely thrown into disarray at the sound. "Is that…?" Two years, two years, two years, the thought drummed in her mind as her stomach gleefully renewed its churning.
Sha'ira stared at her slim golden omni-tool for a moment as well before gracefully lifting one blue hand to lightly tap a finger upon its surface and read the incoming message. "Yes, Liara has arrived at the temple and the priestesses are ready to initiate the encrypted communications channel with us." Her deep blue eyes met Amanda's silver ones, "If you will follow me, I will take you to our communications room." Sha'ira did not immediately rise and leave however, but in a rare display of what seemed to be indecisiveness appeared to be on the verge of saying something else. After a moment though the matron evidently decided against it, for the nais rose from her chair without speaking, turned and headed down the path out of the garden.
That was odd, thought Amanda as she stared after the asari, and not at all confidence inspiring. Her stomach flipped unsettlingly as she rose and set off after the sky-blue nais. Maybe Sha'ira thought she should have waited until she could talk with Liara in person Shepard mused? If she waited though, certainly the maiden would learn about her re-appearance and then would wonder why she wasn't making an effort to contact her. Then all this self-doubt, worry and wondering if they were still anything together or not would be inflicted upon them both instead of just herself. No, Amanda resolutely shook her head as she followed Sha'ira out of the garden and deeper into the complex. Better for them to talk as soon as possible, she drew in an uneven breath as a chill pricked across her skin, even if the outcome was not the one she desired so badly.