Disclaimer: The Mass Effect universe is the property of Bioware/Electronic Arts. No infringement of these copyrights is intended as this is a not for profit fan fiction work.
Rewrite Notes: Still inspired by the Beyonce song "Save the Hero," from the album I am…Sasha Fierce.
Author's Notes: I've always liked how PMC65 portrayed Asari culture, this chapter takes a lot of inspiration from her works especially the part where younger Asari learn directly from their mothers or other elder family members how to deal with emotional loss.
Revision History: 10/03/2018
Part 1: Chapter 21::12 Days Post-Awakening: Citadel Part 9
Amanda followed the Consort into the compound's sound-proofed communications room which contained a high-tech holographic generator inset into the middle of the dark-grey tiled floor as well as a large high-resolution display screen centered on the far-side wall. Shepard's gaze slipped immediately past the inactive holographic generator to the image currently displayed upon that screen. An image which showed two asari standing within a room very similar to this one. One of the two asari was a matriarch in silvery white and deep blue ceremonial robes - the other asari was Liara. Suddenly Amanda was very happy that they weren't using the holographic communications system with its relatively poor resolution. Otherwise she wouldn't be able to so clearly see her lovers deep blue eyes widen at the sight of her or reacquaint herself with the purple hued dusting of freckling along the maiden's cheeks.
"Salaa, High Priestess Lyta, Maiden Liara T'Soni," Sha'ira greeted the two nais with a respectful bow of her head.
"Salaa, Consort Sha'ira," both asari returned her greeting along with bow of their heads in return.
Belatedly, Amanda followed suit. "Salaa, High Priestess Lyta," she dipped her head in polite respect to the matriarch.
The matriarch turned her attention to her, studying her intently for a long moment before returning the greeting, "Salaa, Spectre Amanda Shepard."
Amanda suspected that she needed to get used to such reactions to her reappearance. Or…considering how she currently looked, maybe it was her appearance along with her reappearance. Her gaze slid from the older nais to focus solely on the younger one standing beside her. There were more important things to consider right now than the matriarch's reaction. In a softer, warmer tone she greeted the maiden, "Salaa, Liara."
Liara didn't immediately return the greeting, and even more concerning it seemed to cause a slight frown to contract the maiden's brow. "Salaa, Amanda Shepard," Liara finally responded in a reserved tone after a brief but noticeable delay.
Shepard exhaled a sharp breath at the maiden's response, a band constricting across her chest. Her full name and the tone? What did that mean if anything? Did it mean that Liara was trying to tell her she did not feel the same as she had two years ago? Or maybe the maiden wasn't certain it was actually her? Or, she thought self-consciously of the visible unhealed areas on her face, perhaps she should have waited a bit longer until she looked more like she used to? No sooner had that thought arisen in her mind than exasperation at herself followed it, she didn't actually think Liara would be that hung up on her looks. She had probably just broken some important protocol by not using Liara's full name in this more traditional setting. The questions and thoughts ran quickly - perhaps even somewhat frantically - through her mind, but she was saved from trying to figure out whether she needed to apologize by Sha'ira deftly taking over the conversation.
"Maiden Liara T'Soni," the Consort said in a formal tone, "the Citadel Council has verified the authenticity of Amanda Athene Shepard's identity and reinstated her status as a Spectre Agent of the Citadel Council. They did this only after extensive medical testing to confirm her identity." Maybe that had been it then, Amanda thought with growing hope as she gazed at the maiden standing beside the priestess. Maybe Liara wasn't yet certain of her identity. "And though the details of how she came to be among us again may sound unbelievable," Sha'ira continued, "compelling physical evidence from her medical examination and scans indicate that it is the truth. I will leave that for her to relate to you, but I wanted to reassure you that these facts were vouched to me by two other Council Spectres."
The Consort paused for a moment, then turned her head, her blue eyes directly meeting Amanda's light grey ones. "I will also assure you personally," Sha'ira declared, "as an avowed Consort, that I also declare that the human standing next to me is indeed Amanda Athene Shepard." The nais turned away again, returning her attention to the display screen, and leaving Amanda wondering if the matron's statement had only been intended for Liara or for the both of them. "Though her aura has changed due to her experiences, it is still recognizably that of the human I knew two years ago."
Sha'ira paused for a brief moment before continuing on a slightly different topic, "As this communication is sealed under my authorization, I will ask that you both of you honor that, and avoid discussing anything not directly related to the purpose of this meeting. Which is for each of you to discuss what has happened in your lives since the destruction of the Normandy, and determine where things stand between you now." The Consort glanced back and forth between them, "Do you both understand?" Upon receiving their affirmation, she continued, "And will both of you vow to abide by that limitation?"
Amanda turned her attention to Sha'ira, "I will," she assured the matron, "I will not abuse your trust or hospitality in this, I will keep to the topic and limitations you placed on the conversation."
"I vow to abide by your restriction as well Consort Sha'ira," Liara said immediately after she finished, "and will not abuse the trust you are showing us by allowing us to have a private meeting instead of remaining to monitor us."
So that was why the Republics allowed Consorts to authorize privileged communications, Shepard thought to herself. Such were reserved in the Systems Alliance for clergy, doctors, mental health professionals, and lawyers when they were speaking directly to their clients and could personally vouch for the contents of the communication. Consorts seemed to be counted as mental health professionals in the Republics, and Liara's statement implied that the Consort who authorized such communications usually remained in attendance to ensure that the conversation stayed within the bounds of what was permissible. The Consort was probably stepping at the edge of her bounds of authority in letting them have a private conversation only because the nais knew Shepard and Liara was a T'Soni.
"Then we will leave you two alone so that you can talk freely," Sha'ira responded, "this communications line will remain open for the next thirty Galactic Standard minutes. At that point, if there is a need for your conversation to continue I will need to re-authorize the line to extend the time." The Consort then inclined her head to the matriarch who returned the gesture with one of her own. On Illium, the High Priestess promptly turned and exited the room, closing the door behind herself. On the Citadel however, Sha'ira paused beside Amanda just long enough to inform her, "I will be waiting outside if you need anything," before leaving the room and closing the door behind her.
Once they were completely alone, Liara reached forward toward her image - reached out toward her - and Amanda did the same, reaching out toward the maiden. They couldn't actually touch but the maiden's welcoming response flowed over Amanda, snapping the band of tension around her chest and almost making her feel lightheaded in her sudden relief. Despite her fears and concerns everything was going to be alright after all. Either Sha'ira's assurance had settled Liara's doubts about whether or not it was actually her, or maybe she really shouldn't have been so informal in her greeting to Liara in front of a High Priestess of Athame and Sha'ira in her official role as a Consort. Sometimes she forgot when it came to the maiden that the nais belonged to one of the most preeminent and influential of the Asari noble Lineages. She was smiling in happiness when she noticed the maiden murmur something, something too soft for the microphone on the other side to pick up, and then the light blue nais's outstretched arm dropped to her side. Liara's head shook from side to side ever so slightly, and her expression shifted from welcoming to withdrawn in one terrible instant.
Amanda stilled, her smile dropping away as Liara's posture shifted into one of clear withdrawal and the maiden pointedly turned her head to the side to look away from her. The feeling that filled Amanda then was as if an ice-cold bucket of water had been poured over her or someone had shot her, leaving her standing confused as she looked down in disbelief at the gaping hole in her chest. No, no, no, this couldn't be happening, not after that welcome, not after it having been as if it was all going to be alright. Amanda dropped her hands to her sides, uncertainty and despair filling her, what had just happened? Liara turned away, leaving her staring sightlessly at the image of the light-blue sound-absorbing tiles that covered the walls of the room the maiden was standing within, and trying to do anything other than show how distressed she felt at this moment. Shepard clenched her hands, driving her nails painfully into the skin her palms as she forcefully reminded herself of her vow not to make a scene if everything went wrong, and it was looking like things were wrong.
Thuia. Nethuia. Arthuia. Tiria, dan avo dortha. (Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Focus, but do not dwell.) Lindariel's voice whispered in her mind, the elder prothean's presence rising within her consciousness and exerting a calming influence. 'Focus but do not dwell,' her mind fastened on the words. They were almost the same ones used during N training to teach them how to deal with psychologically stressful combat situations. Focus only on what needed to be done to survive and complete the mission. Emotions should be acknowledged, but absolutely not be dwelled upon until you could work through them with a mental health professional. She didn't really want to treat this like a combat mission though…
"My sources said you were alive." Shepard shifted her attention back to the maiden as the nais spoke to her. Liara had at least turned back toward her and was looking at her. Amanda made herself breath in a regular pattern - to act like something approaching normal. "But I wasn't certain they could be believed…" the sky blue nais stared at her, "It's very good to see you."
Liara's voice was warm and sincere, and it confused the hell out of Amanda after what had seemed like a clear rejection. One thing Shepard's mind did grab onto though as hope resurrected itself. The Illusive Man and Sha'ira were correct, Liara was indeed an information broker and she had already known about her reappearance. What other information was the maiden aware of besides that Shepard wondered? More importantly - what accurate conclusions and what inaccurate conclusions - had Liara drawn from that information?
"I'm sorry," Amanda temporized with an apology as she figured out how to say what she wanted to say next. "It wasn't until now that I could contact you without…" she briefly hesitated because she really wasn't sure how Liara would react, "without Cerberus listening in. They're the ones who found my body on Alchera," she drew in an unsteady breath not at all certain how this was being taken, "brought me back to life. Liara, I haven't been with Cerberus all this time," she paused as she realized that wasn't really true, "or rather I haven't been conscious and willingly with Cerberus all this time. I only woke up from the coma they kept me in while they repaired my injuries twelve days ago. I wouldn't have… I wouldn't have done that… I would have never deceived you into thinking I was dead and just disappeared for two years, and I would have never willingly joined with Cerberus."
Liara looked distressed, "Shepard stop," she protested, "I already knew all of that. I knew that you hadn't just disappeared… That you died." The maiden's voice broke on the words in a way that sliced into Amanda's heart upon hearing it. The asari drew in a deep breath, seemed to recover her composure. "Hasn't anyone told you it wasn't Cerberus, but the Blue Suns who discovered your body?" Liara asked and then continued, "That they took it to Omega to sell to the Collectors. And that Cerberus found out about the planned transaction, attacked the Blue Suns and took your body away from them before the Collectors arrived to claim it?"
Amanda was silent, her mind absorbing the new information and the startling fact that Liara was in possession of it as well as the fact that neither Miranda or Jacob had filled her in about it first. "No, I actually didn't know about any of that," Shepard quietly responded after a moment. "So, it was the Blue Suns that found me on Alchera…" Due to the fact that her body was still there to be found since neither the Alliance or Council had bothered to mount a recovery effort, her mind bitterly whispered.
"Yes," Liara confirmed and then didn't say anything else.
The succinct answer left what seemed like a rapidly growing chasm of silence to Amanda, leaving her struggling with what to say to fill it. Finally, a reasonable sounding response came to mind, "So you're an information broker now?" Yes, she was fishing for information, but she didn't know what to think of the way Liara was acting. The initial seeming rejection, and now this apparent concern for her. She didn't know what it meant for them. She needed some clue, some idea, of what in the hell was going on with the maiden. In any case, this was talking about what had happened in the past two years, so it was one of the permitted topics.
Liara turned suddenly, pivoting on one foot and walking away from the camera. "Ever since I helped you stop Saren," the maiden responded with her back still towards Shepard, "people have wanted to be my friend." Amanda winced, she could guess what that actually meant. Liara glanced back at her over her shoulder, "Or at least not be my enemy. I've been able to set up a respectable business as an information broker. I've made a good living at it since you…" her voice trailed off and she turned away again with a sharp shrug of her shoulders, "well…for the last two years."
Amanda frowned, Liara knew the Reapers were real…why had she decided becoming an information broker was the right thing to do? How did that make any sense at all with what was coming? Why not use some of the newfound influence she was talking about to get herself assigned as a Prothean researcher on Ilos? Focus her considerable intelligence on the task of getting the VI they encountered there up and running again so there was some proof of the existence of the Reapers. Maybe that really was a dead end and the information simply wasn't recoverable? Perhaps Liara had felt that becoming an information broker was a better way of looking for evidence of the Reapers? Amanda knew her mind was scrambling to find a reasonable reason, but this was Liara…there had to be a reason for this choice.
There was a long moment silence, then Liara turned, heading back toward the camera once again while looking at her. "And now you're back," the maiden continued, "preparing to take on the Collectors with Cerberus."
Shepard froze, how much did Liara know or suspect? Had Liara withdrawn from her because she was apparently working with Cerberus instead of immediately going back to the Alliance? She couldn't mention the truth, that she was only working with them to stop them, but she could clear up this misconception. "I wouldn't if I had any other choice Liara," she defended her decision. "Even though the Alliance and the Council publicly claim pirates are behind the abductions, they know that the Collectors are actually responsible for them. The Alliance is putting in GARDIAN towers, but that won't be enough to stop the Collectors - especially if they have access to Reaper technology. They've already abducted over a million colonists already…"
"I understand," Liara broke in before she could say anything more, "I wish you didn't have to work with them, but I understand why you are. You are right, the Collectors must be stopped even if you have to work with Cerberus to stop them. Whatever they want with so many humans, it can't be anything good." The asari's words were both a relief…and not a relief. They meant that Liara hadn't withdrawn from her because she was working with Cerberus. "I understand your building a team." Liara continued in what sounded like a really odd segue to Amanda, "If you need any information to help you find people just let me know."
Amanda stared at the maiden, she felt totally at sea here with no clue as to why Liara had acted the way she had at the beginning of their conversation. She drew in a careful breath, a frown creasing her brow, "I'm not sure this is on topic for what we are supposed to be speaking about?" Liara frowned as well, a slightly consternated expression crossing her face. "Unless," Amanda hesitantly offered, "if you were volunteering to work with us?" It had been two years for Liara, she reminded herself. Maybe the maiden just wanted to take things slow, take the time to properly reacquaint themselves with one another. "I could certainly use your help," Amanda scowled, "so far Cerberus hasn't impressed me with their intelligence gathering abilities." If Liara did want to take things slow that was alright with her, Amanda thought, hope tentatively rising that this was what was actually going on. Given the time that had passed since she died, it made sense that they not just jump right back into the relationship. Also, on a more pragmatic note, having another means of obtaining intelligence would certainly be welcome, especially since Cerberus could not seem to get together a well-researched mission brief.
Liara let out a breath that sounded a bit like a laugh, but she shook her head. "I can't Shepard, I'm sorry. I have commitments here, things I need to take care of." The maiden's tone was firm, but also carried a pleading undertone, as if asking for Amanda to understand that whatever it was, it was very important to her.
Amanda frowned, what could be more important to Liara than stopping the Reapers? Or maybe the maiden had her own line of inquiry going? Maybe that was why she was working with the Shadow Broker. "What's happened during the past two years? What kind of things do you need to take care of? Are you in trouble?" she added the last in concern. Still though, she couldn't help but notice that Liara hadn't once called her Amanda during this entire time. The thought was upsetting, crushing the tentative hope that had been rising within her and threatening to overturn the tenuous hold she had on her emotions.
"No," Liara responded as she shook her head, seemingly not noticing Amanda's emotional distress, or at least not responding to it. "No trouble," she began pacing slowly back and forth, "but it's been a long two years. I had things to do while you were gone," she bowed her head, "I have debts to repay."
Sharp concern tamped down all other emotions, "Debts? To the Shadow Broker?" The Shadow Broker wasn't known for his or her forbearance. Amanda frowned, had Liara promised more than she was actually able to deliver in return for information?
Liara's head whipped her way, and the maiden frowned at her. "The Shadow Broker? No, why would think such a thing?" Before Amanda could respond the maiden continued, "I am not working for the Shadow Broker, but against him. We crossed paths not long after you died," Liara explained to her. "I was on a job with a friend," the maiden continued and Amanda noticed her blue hands clenching at her sides as she said this, "the Shadow Broker's people caught us. My friend sacrificed himself so that I could escape. He was captured and I don't know if he's dead or alive and still being interrogated," Liara turned toward the back of the room and took a few paces, "but I need to find him. I owe him my life." She pivoted toward Shepard her expression clearly showing the anger the human could hear in her voice, "And I need to make the Shadow Broker pay for what he did."
Was this it then? Blood seemed to rush to her head and all Amanda could hear for a second was the pounding of her own heart as she took in the level of anger - no, more than just anger, fury - that the maiden was displaying. It was fairly obvious from her demeanor and tone that Liara planned on making the Shadow Broker 'pay for what he did' by killing him and perhaps not quickly. Was this why Liara was keeping her at a distance by calling her Shepard? Was this friend more than a friend? It had been two years, never had she really felt that more than now. Believing her dead, had Liara fallen in love with someone else?
"You can't work with us because you're after the Shadow Broker? What if I help you find him," she heard herself offer because that's what friends did for friends right? This is how you acted when you weren't trying to make a scene right? When you were trying to hide how your own heart was breaking as your lover held you at arms distance. Liara knew how few people related to her as Amanda instead of just Shepard, that the maiden had been - but apparently no longer wanted to be, her mind whispered - one of them.
"I'm sorry Shepard," Amanda heard feeling numb, Liara wasn't even interested in her help? "The galaxy doesn't work that way, I need to find leads, trace information, I need to work. I can't do that on the new Normandy. I wish I could."
Several different emotions, thoughts and reactions hit Amanda at once - and the rising anger at the inherent condescension in Liara's reply won. The galaxy didn't work that way? As if she wasn't aware of how the galaxy worked? "I wasn't actually expecting you leave Illium T'Soni," Shepard replied with a touch of coolness to her tone. "Cerberus monitors every piece of information that goes in and out of the ship. It would be relatively easy for them to feed you false information, guarantee that the results you gave me corresponded with their own. Even with you staying on Illium we would need to figure out how I could get timely reports from you that I could trust they hadn't altered."
Liara's face went blank at when finally registered that Amanda had referred to the nais by her last name only…exactly as the maiden was doing to her. Human and asari stared at one another silently for a moment, the maiden looking stunned at this turn of the conversation. "The friend you lost, he was your lover?" Amanda rode the slight swell of anger long enough to ask before it ebbed entirely away, leaving her stranded as she waited upon the answer.
"What!?" Confusingly, Liara looked completely bewildered by the question, then deeply hurt. "No!" the maiden stared at her as if she had betrayed the nais even by asking it.
Amanda frowned in her own bewildered confusion. She had been so sure that was it, that was the reason for the distance Liara was keeping between them. "Why then?" finally she let her hurt show in her voice, "You're calling me Shepard to keep me at a distance," she called the asari on her behavior. "What are we? Are we even a we anymore?" she asked plaintively, wasn't this what they were supposed to be discussing?
When Liara looked stricken, but didn't reply. Amanda physically pulled back from the maiden, dipping her head and crossing her arms defensively over her chest. It was pretty clear to her that their relationship was over, but she still had no idea why it was over. Feeling defeated she inquired, "Should I even look for you on Illium?"
"What?" Now Liara looked alarmed, apparently, she hadn't expected this type of reaction. "Yes, of course you should, why would you think that I wouldn't want you to?"
Amanda stared at the nais in bewildered disbelief, 'because of the way your acting toward me?' she wanted to say to the maiden. She didn't say that however, instead she said, "I don't understand then, did you want to take things slow? Get to know one another again?"
"No," the immediate reply seemed almost physically torn from the maiden.
There was an undercurrent of fear in the nais's tone that was impossible to miss, and Amanda found herself at a complete loss upon hearing it. "Why?" she paused to take a steadying breath, "Why are you so afraid? Why does the thought of us…"? She stared beseechingly at the maiden and Liara stared back at her… Liara looked…terrified to be honest, as if she were staring into an abyss.
"I can't," Liara finally whispered in reply, clenching her hands together in front of her. "You're going after the Collectors and then if you survive the Reapers."
Abruptly things began to fall into place for Amanda. Liara had developed PTSD like symptoms following Matriarch Benezia's death. No one had realized during the rush to Ilos and then the Battle of the Citadel following, but afterward things had slowed down enough for the maidens marked change in demeanor and abrupt loss of weight to become noticeable. She and Dr. Chakwas had been concerned enough to reach out to Councilor Tevos's office for assistance seeking the name of a suitable therapist.
Instead of a name however, Councilor Tevos's office had contacted her to schedule a confidential communication with Matriarch Ashita T'Soni, the venerable and extremely influential Potenia of the T'Soni Lineage. During that relatively brief conversation, the ancient Matriarch had succinctly explained to her that since this was the first personal loss that Liara had ever experienced, the maiden needed the family Matriarchs to guide the nais through the cognitive behavioral therapy methods the Asari had developed over the course of their history to help them deal with bereavement. The matriarchs Liara chose as guides would share with the maiden their own experiences with loss and help her process the emotions the nais was currently feeling in a healthy manner instead of letting them leave her traumatized and emotionally scarred. What Matriarch Ashita T'Soni had said made a lot of sense to Amanda. Her grandmother had done much the same to help her after losing her mother and father, only without the immediacy of a meld to help. Since the original Normandy had been in dry dock to repair some minor battle damage, Amanda had pressed for Liara to take advantage of the downtime to return to Thessia and visit with her family as they had requested. Two weeks later the maiden had returned, looking much healthier and at more peace with what had happened than before she had left.
Apparently, her death a month later had undone much of that progress, Amanda thought with dismay as she took in how distraught Liara looked at this moment. "Your family?" Amanda asked, confusion and a bit of anger at their apparent neglect rising in her, "Why weren't they able to help you?" Liara's deep blue eyes noticeably widened at her question and at that moment Amanda could only think that the maiden looked incredibly guilty - but why? They stared at one another in silence, the nais looking almost frozen in place. 'How did she know about the Blue Suns and Cerberus?' the question ghosted through her mind, thankfully in her own voice instead of someone else's.
"Did you go to them?" Amanda asked the maiden, trying to understand why Liara was acting this way. Again, there was only silence in reply. Liara seemed to hardly even breathe on the other side of the camera. "Why didn't you go to them for help?" Still the maiden didn't reply to her, and finally she asked the question running thorough her mind. "Liara, how did you know that the Blue Suns had my body, that the Collectors wanted to buy it and that Cerberus intervened and ended up with it?" That elicited a response as the maiden noticeably flinched at the question.
Amanda was now certain that she was right, "You were there weren't you?" Her mind continued putting things together, "Was this when you were almost captured by the Shadow Broker?" In response Liara closed her eyes and dipped her head. Why she wanted to ask, why had Liara turned her body over to Cerberus? Instead she asked…no, more demanded, "What happened? What exactly happened?"
The maiden drew in a shuddering breath as she opened her eyes, they flicked up briefly to meet Amanda's then fell to the floor. "As I told you, the Blue Suns first found your body. What I didn't mention was that they were in the pay of the Shadow Broker who wanted to sell you to the Collectors. I believe the Shadow Broker sold the Normandy's location to them. That's how they were able to track the ship and attack us. Feron, the friend I spoke of, sent me the information that your body had been recovered and informed me of Blue Suns plans. I went to Omega and met with him, then the Blue Suns ambushed us demanding to know why we were there. They might have killed us then except for Cerberus's interference, allowing us to escape. Miranda Lawson lead the Cerberus team. She was the one who made the offer to me. If I gave them your body, they would do their best to bring you back to life. We were unable to stop the Blue Suns from handing off your body to the Shadow Brokers forces on Omega, so Feron and I infiltrated the Broker's ship. We managed to get your body, but Feron had to stay behind in order for me to escape with you."
Amanda really felt like sitting down at the moment, but unfortunately there were no chairs in the room. It was quite a bit to take in at once, and she had to wonder how much of this the Alliance and Council knew already but had kept to themselves. She wouldn't be surprised to find out they knew everything, and she was the last person to find out what had actually happened to her. Amanda felt her biotics ripple as they responded to the surge of anger that rushed through her body, everyone - Cerberus, the Council - all seemed intent on keeping her in the dark.
"I'm sorry," Liara blurted out, "I know how much Cerberus's operations disgusted you, but they were the only ones offering a way to bring you back instead of just burying you. And I couldn't…" the maiden seemed on the verge of outright sobbing, "I couldn't take the long view, I couldn't just cherish the short time we had together, I wanted…needed more."
Amanda realized how the nais had taken her biotic outburst, "No, Liara," she reassured the maiden, "I'm not angry with you." After she said it Amanda realized it was actually the truth. She felt tired, drained, deeply saddened and still confused as hell - but not angry with Liara or with the choice she had made. It was an effort to even shrug her shoulders as she quietly asked, "So what happened between then and now. After everything you did just on the slim chance that Cerberus might succeed, why won't you give us another chance to be together now that they did?"
Liara stared at her, blue eyes frightened and pained, "I hoped that Cerberus could do as they promised, but the months passed and being without you hurt so much." Shepard clenched her hands, wishing now that she was actually on Illium, that she could go to Liara, hold her and sooth away the raw pain she was seeing. Liara drew in a harsh sounding breath, "Eventually as the months passed I stopped hoping, and sometime after that I stopped hurting every moment of every day." The asari bowed her head for a moment before lifting it and continuing, "I managed to build up my business, focus on finding the Shadow Broker." She lifted her hands and gestured towards the camera, repeating what she had said earlier, "And now after two years here you are, and you're going after the Collectors and if you survive that mission the Reapers." The maiden's face contorted with pain, "I can't Amanda, please understand, I just can't do it again." Tears welled, "If I let myself…and you died…I can't, not again. Not when it's stopped hurting so much and I was finally... Please, just don't," the last was a broken whisper.
Amanda held out her hand, wished so badly she could go to Liara, hold her and promise her that she wouldn't die again. But they both knew that would be an empty promise. "I'm sorry, Liara I never meant…" what could she say; she never meant to break Liara's heart? But yet she had, the proof of it was right in front of her. "I'm sorry," Amanda repeated helplessly, there seemed to be little else she could say for she was going after the Collectors and then after that if she survived the Reapers. Liara would be faced with the fear of her death on pretty much a daily basis. Yes, people could and did die every day from everyday things like traffic accidents, but only in certain professions was that more than just a daily abstract possibility. You said I love you and be careful, kissed them and then really did not expect them to die. First responders and military personnel like herself though, their loved ones said I love you, kissed you goodbye and then had to deal with the very real fear that you might not return. To say otherwise would be to trivialize and dismiss the ongoing emotional toll on them, and some people discovered that they simply could not do it. Thus, the high rates of breakups and divorce in those professions… The stray thought went through Amanda's mind that had never really thought that class at the beginning of their N training would apply directly to her before this moment. At least it helped her understand what Liara was going through, and why she was making the decision to not even try again. If Liara felt she simply couldn't…
Amanda closed her eyes for a long moment, struggling with her own conflicted emotions. She did not want to deal with her own grief at the ending of their relationship right now. She would do that after this call had ended… Finally, on a slow inhaled breath, she opened them again and looked up at Liara. The two of them stared at one another, neither one saying anything to the other now that everything was out in the open between them. This won't do, thought Amanda as she squared her shoulders and fell into an at ease stance, using the familiarity and formality of it help hold her emotions at bay. "Alright," she broke the silence between them, "I'm not sure when or even if I'll be by Illium," she informed Liara, "but if we do, then I'll try and contact you so that we can meet somewhere."
Liara looked a bit taken aback by her demeanor, but then the maiden straightened up herself and nodded back. "I would greatly appreciate that Shepard…" she stopped, shook her head, and corrected herself, "Amanda, I do want to see you again."
The sound of the maiden finally saying her first name made her emotions dangerously rise, and Amanda had to breath in a steadying breath to force them down again before she could manage to respond. "I will," she assured the maiden. She paused uncertain about what she wanted to say next, but then decided to bite the bullet and just say it. "Liara, I suspect you didn't go to your family because you didn't want them to know about you handing me over to Cerberus. But I'm back now, and I'm sure Matriarch Ashita T'Soni either knows or will know about it soon. Go to her, there's no reason for you to not to go now." Liara gave her a look that said she didn't exactly appreciate Amanda even making the suggestion, and Amanda let it drop. Either Liara would or wouldn't, she couldn't make the maiden.
She glanced over at the clock, checking the time, they only had a few minutes left in their allotment. Sadly, she felt only relief at that, the dam holding back her emotions felt like it was going to fracture and break at any time and she didn't want Liara to witness it. She returned her attention to the maiden, "Provided Councilor Tevos get permission from the League for us to enter their space without being arrested as Cerberus agents, we should be headed to Omega next. After that who knows, but hopefully I'll be able to visit Illium soon." She paused and then added, "In the meantime, take care of yourself Liara and stay safe, the Shadow Broker is a dangerous enemy."
Liara stared at her for a moment then quietly replied, "I know and I will, keep yourself safe as well Amanda." On her end, the maiden nodded to her rather gravely, then walked over to the console and entered in some commands. In the next moment the display screen went dark indicating that the connection had been closed from the other end. Amanda stared at the screen in blank surprise for a moment, she hadn't realized that was what Liara was doing at the console. She let out a shaky breath, then aware that the camera in the room was still active crossed over to the console shut down the transmission from this end as well.
As soon as the blinking light underneath the camera dimmed, indicating that it was turned off, Amanda backed up against the nearest wall and slid down it to sit on the floor. She pulled her knees up then rested her forehead against them. She was tired beyond belief, stressed and strung out feeling, and heartbroken. She let out a snorting, bitter sounding bark of a laugh, at least now she knew exactly how she had ended up in Cerberus's hands. Liara had handed her body over because she wasn't ready to let her go…only for two years later to not be able to take her back.
She sighed a long-exhausted breath, she had been relatively fine before, but now the thirty hours she had been awake seemed to all be piling on her at once. It might have honestly been easier she mused, if Liara had moved onto someone else in the past two years rather than this… But apparently Liara hadn't dealt well with her death at all. Amanda hoped, really hoped that Liara had listened to her about going home to talk to her family even if the nais hadn't liked the suggestion. She wished she could take her own suggestion, visit Earth, spend a few weeks in Greece with her relatives. She would walk along the seaside cliffs next to the Mediterranean Sea, pause and lift her face to the sun while feeling the ocean breeze cooling her body and listen to the waves crash upon the rocks below. Afterward, she would visit the sacred grotto with the statue of the Goddess Athene. Once the sun set, she would join the gathering of her relatives at the Kanellis ancestral home, currently owned by her great-aunt Medea Athene Kanellis Theallis, a retired Hellenic Coast Guard officer. She would talk with the matriarchs of her own family about the difficulties she currently faced and listen to their wisdom gained from dealing with similar situations. Many of them had served either in the military, police or other public service positions so they would be familiar with her current heartache. Hopefully Liara would recognize the wisdom in doing the same with her own family.
The presence of another biotic field pressing against her own alerted to the fact that someone had entered the room seconds before she heard Sha'ira say softly, "Oh Amanda, I had hoped..." Amanda opened her eyes, lifted her head and then made the mistake of looking up into the matron's compassionate gaze as the nais gracefully lowered herself to the floor to sit beside her.
"I…" she stopped as her voice broke and the scent of spice and flowers from the Consort's perfume seemed to fill the air around her.
"Oh, Amanda," Sha'ira repeated quietly as the nais shifted closer and then wrapped one arm around her shoulders. The asari's aura wrapped protectively around her as well as it had earlier, pressing comfortingly against her own.
'Asari pheromones smell different for everyone, it depends on what scent associations that individual's mind makes as to how they smell for that particular person.' The words from a long-ago lecture floated through Amanda's mind as she took in a deep breath of Sha'ira's scent and felt herself calm down. Was this how she interpreted Asari calming pheromones, Amanda questioned herself as she recalled that Dr. T'Rani had smelled very similar to this. Really!? Part of her mind grumbled in an aggravated tone, even as another part asked if she wouldn't do the exact same thing if she were an Asari. Wouldn't she want to calm and comfort those in emotional distress if she had the ability to do so? Amanda knew that the answer would be yes, she would probably do the same thing as Sha'ira and Dr. T'Rani when faced with an upset patient or friend.
Amanda laughed out a huffing sigh that drew a questioning look from Sha'ira. She chose not to respond to it as she decided to simply accept that the asari was trying to help her the best way the nais was able to help. In halting tones Amanda slowly related what Liara had told her, the Blue Suns, the Shadow Broker, the Collectors, the decision to give her body to Cerberus. Then the maiden's pain and fear of having to go through it again. Succinct, broken, disjointed, but yet forming a whole picture.
"She needs help," Amanda said, looking over at the matron, "my death so soon after her mother's hurt her badly…" She closed her eyes, a keen feeling of regret flowing through her. "But she couldn't turn to her family for help as she did before because they would find out that she had turned my body over to Cerberus." Amanda opened her eyes, "Can you help her? Is there a way to without violating your ethical and legal responsibilities? And I don't know yet what the Council wants to say about my reappearance."
"I know Matriarch Ashita," Sha'ira commented. "I will find out from Councilor Tevos what can be said," Sha'ira assured her softly, her tone reassuring, "and then I will reach out to the Matriarch and let her know you are concerned for Liara."
"That's alright?" Amanda questioned, concerned, "you can do that without getting into any trouble?"
An amused expression crossed the Consorts face, "Contact the Potenia of a Lineage with a concern about one of her family's maidens? Certainly. Indeed, most asari would say that I was actually violating my responsibilities as a Consort if I did not do so."
Right, Amanda thought, the Asari had very differing expectations of responsibility and privacy concerning the rights of individuals vs their families. Human laws most often upheld the individual's rights over the wishes of their families, while Asari laws emphasized an individual's duties to their Lineages and the Lineages duties and responsibilities to its family members and those associated with it.
"Thank you," Amanda responded, "I really appreciate it."
"Of course," the matron responded to her.
Shepard let out a weary sigh, Sha'ira's offer of help for Liara relieved her of one burden, but it also meant that she did not have Liara's troubles as a focus to take her mind off her own feelings. Right now, they were a jumbled mess of sadness, regret, resignation and a touch of anger inside her trying to compete with her weariness.
Sha'ira's arm around her shoulders briefly tightened in a one-armed hug before the matron pulled away and rose to her feet. Amanda looked up inquiringly and the nais extended one blue hand toward her to help her rise. "Come, let us move to a more comfortable location than this."
That actually sounded like a very good idea. Amanda accepted the hand, but rose mostly under her own power. Synthetic muscle weighted more than natural and quite a lot of her musculature had to be replaced, thus she weighted quite a bit more than one would guess looking at her. She followed the nais back down the corridor to the hallway that bordered the common gathering room in the center of the building. Once they got there she could hear the sound of conversation and merry laughter coming from the room. Sha'ira did not head that way however, but turned into a room off the side that proved to be a kitchen.
Amanda groaned under her breath, she still felt full from Tela and Alena putting food in front of her all afternoon. Sha'ira heard it and gave a light, amused laugh, "Do not worry," the matron assured her, "I am not expecting you to be interested in a full meal." The nais opened one of the large refrigerators and looked inside, "But I have not yet had any dinner, and desire something to eat."
"Oh," Shepard felt embarrassed, "Of course, I guess I kept you from eating with your acolytes."
"I'm sure they were alright without my presence for one night," Sha'ira assured in an amused tone her as the nais began pulling out several containers and setting them on the counter.
Upon seeing the matron set two plates upon the counter, Amanda groaned in protest, "Really Sha'ira I can't eat that much more. I know I'm underweight, but really…I cannot gain it back in one day no matter how hard you three are trying."
The matron laughed again, and Amanda had to smile at hearing it, even Sha'ira's laughter was melodically perfectly on note. "Do not worry, I will not give you that much, just enough for you to have something to eat while I have my meal."
Shepard wasn't really sure the matron was being entirely truthful with her, or just phrasing things persuasively to get her to eat just a bit more. She shook her head, giving in, "Alright." If she didn't want it, she told herself, then she simply wouldn't eat it.
When Sha'ira put both plates of reheated food on the table Amanda eyed her own dubiously, evidently the matron had a rather different idea of how much 'just enough' than she did, for though the portions of each type of food were not that big there were six of them upon her plate. Looking at the food in front of her, she had to admire how each little serving upon her plate was nicely arranged and presented. She hadn't noticed the nais taking any undue time to fuss over it before sticking the plate in the convection microwave either. The benefit of a long life she knew from her Prothean memories, you simply had the time to master multiple skills.
To Amanda's surprise, Sha'ira did not mention what had happened between she and Liara over dinner. Mostly they discussed the dinner itself. What each of the dishes were and how they were prepared. Even some interesting historical information about each dish, what part of Thessia it originated from and why. Amanda now knew more than she had ever known about the various regions of Thessia and how they differed from one another - at least cuisine wise. As the conversation wore down, Amanda realized with surprise that she had finished everything upon her plate. From the hint of satisfaction on Sha'ira's face as the nais picked up her empty plate, Amanda suspected that the matron had deftly guided the flow of the conversation and pace of the dinner to ensure just this outcome. Goddess save her from matrons, Amanda thought with equal parts humor and wariness, they really seemed intent on feeding her back up to her optimal weight in as short a time as possible.
"Come," Sha'ira held out her hands toward her after adding their dishes to the load in the dish washer, "now that neither of us is hungry, let us retire to a more private room." As if to underscore her point, a burst of laughter from the nearby gathering room had both of them glancing toward the doorway. Amanda followed the matron down yet another corridor to a very luxurious looking sitting room with what looked very much like three low chaise lounge sofas arranged around a central tea table. Once they had each settled upon one of the cream-colored lounges, Sha'ira asked her, "How are you feeling?"
Shepard looked at the asari who was draped elegantly over the arm of her chaise lounge with a faint smile. She didn't think she looked nearly so elegant as she tried to find a comfortable position on the piece of furniture. "Sad, tired, resigned," she admitted as she gave up trying to sit up straight and simply decided to mirror Sha'ira's pose with her legs up and arm draped over the support. Now at least somewhat comfortable she continued, "Unsurprisingly a bit depressed feeling."
Sha'ira looked concerned at that, "Do you have any regrets now about contacting her tonight?"
'Did she wish that she hadn't done it?' Amanda rephrased the nais's question in her mind. She thought about it and then shook her head. "No, it's better to know now rather than later when it might have been much harder to have a private conversation between us."
The matron inclined her head in acknowledgment of the answer, and then paused to study her thoughtfully. Finally, the nais said, "I have the sense that this outcome does not entirely surprise you?"
Amanda gave a bitter laugh, "I know the reputation of maidens, Sha'ira, you go out with them for partying and friendship not picket fences and children. Trying to ignore that or trying to change gears midstream is just setting yourself up for heartache, but Liara was so smart and seemed so much more mature than any other Asari maiden I had met before…" she sighed, "that I decided to take the risk…" Amanda shook her head a single time, "I was so certain that despite her age we would beat the odds against us. And then I died, and was dead for two years. So am I surprised, no. It was two years, I was dead. Even though she knew I might be alive again sometime in the future… Still it was two years. I was afraid that without a connection between us she might have moved on and not been interested in reigniting what we had together." She sighed and leaned her head back against the backrest of the chaise lounge and closed her eyes, she was beginning to get a rather bad headache. Probably a mix of stress and tiredness. Thankfully the lights in the room were all on the walls and not overhead for she was actually feeling a bit light sensitive. "I wasn't expecting her to be so traumatized by my death though that she couldn't face the idea of feeling that pain again…"
"No, I imagine you weren't," Sha'ira responded quietly, then she inquired, "Headache?"
"Yea, getting a bit of a one," Amanda replied. She heard the matron get up and lazily opened her eyes enough to watch the nais come over to stand beside her.
"Sit up and let me sit behind you," Sha'ira motioned to her, "there is a biotic massage technique, Paihosaenh, which I can use to help that won't irritate your skin." Really? Amanda thought with interest as she straightened with a muted groan and then moved to the open end of the chaise lounge. She wondered if that was what Tela had used in the shuttle earlier today. "If you could remove your uniform jacket?" the matron requested as the nais sat down behind her, "I think your under-layer is thin enough that it won't interfere with the massage."
"Sure," Shepard undid the blue and silver jacket and slid out of it with a bit of relief. It was surprisingly comfortable, but still the high neck of it was a bit confining. She carefully folded it and laid it on the tea table. The hood, which she had folded up and tucked in the jacket's belt as they left the garden earlier, she placed on top of it.
Sha'ira placed her hands on Amanda's shoulders. The nais didn't immediately begin using her biotics, but simply kneaded along the trapezius muscle. The matron sighed, "This muscle and up into your neck is very tensed, if it's not contributing to your headache I'd be very surprised."
Sha'ira's touch lightened and then Amanda felt the matron's aura intensify as the nais focused on her biotics and Shepard felt the mass effect field through the light underlayer she was wearing. It felt as if a dozen tiny balls were rhythmically rolling and vibrating against her tense muscles. Amanda groaned in appreciation at how it felt and let her head loll forward so that Sha'ira could have maximum access to her shoulders and neck. It did feel very similar to what Tela had done earlier and very similar to the technique she knew from Lindariel's memories. "This is very similar to a Prothean technique called Nestaidhor," Amanda said what was in her thoughts, "it roughly translates into healing with the hands."
The matron's hands slowed for a moment, "Intriguing, that is also essentially the translation of Paihosaenh. Were the Protheans also natural biotics?"
"I believe so," Amanda replied after a moment, thinking of how to phrase her answer, "or at least all the information about them I have access to so far indicates that they were all biotics."
Sha'ira made a soft thoughtful sounding "Hmm, then perhaps it is unsurprising that both species developed a method for utilizing their biotics for massage and healing." Amanda made a noise of agreement, far more focused on how good the matrons hands felt as they thrummed along her shoulders and neck, massaging away the accumulated tension bound up in her tense muscles. Awhile later the matron pulled gently on her shoulders, "Lean back against me so that I can reach your scalp and temples."
Amanda did so without protest, allowing Sha'ira to guide her backward until she was resting against the matron with her head cushioned on the nais's chest. Then the Consort began softly stroking her hands along Amanda's scalp, running her fingers through the short auburn hair. The matron's biotics still felt like rolling balls, but much smaller ones and the pressure was much gentler. Quite frankly Amanda thought it felt marvelous and very relaxing. She felt the last of her tension flowing away and made the effort to just not think of anything. Choosing instead to let herself be soothed by Sha'ira's stroking hands through her hair and along her temples.
Shepard didn't realize she had dropped off until she woke up at feeling herself being biotically lifted into the air. She made a noise of protest as she woke up only for Sha'ira to gently reprove her, "Do not undo all the work I have just done, relax and let me care for you tonight." They didn't go far, for only a few seconds later the matron lowered her onto a well cushioned surface. The nais pulled off her boots and then she felt covers being pulled over her body. "Rest and sleep Amanda, you are safe here," Sha'ira's quiet words were reassuring and Amanda let herself relax again and slip back into sleep.
A little while later she woke up slightly again when she felt the bed dip as someone slipped in with her. "It is just me," she groggily heard Sha'ira's soft voice reassure her as the matron pulled her into a lose embrace, the nais's body curling around her own. "You are tossing and turning," the matron informed her, "let my presence soothe you so you can rest more peacefully." Still half-asleep Amanda grumbled at that, but Sha'ira's fingers were already stroking slowly through her hair. As tired as she still felt, the calming sensation made it difficult to fully waken. "Sleep Amanda," the Consort whispered to her, "everything will be easier to deal with once you are well rested." With the comforting press of the matron's body behind her and the scent of spice and flowers surrounding her, Amanda's tired and emotionally exhausted mind decided those sounded like very wise words…