Soulmates

Beverly was unpacking the storage box, glad Deanna was with her. She had told her about the small hollow recordings, Jack had made for Wesley. She was excited. But when everything was unpacked and looked at, she started to feel uneasy. Her shift of mood didn't go unnoticed to the Counselor.

Deanna leaned back waiting for Beverly to continue. She had kept to herself after the encounter with the Borg and just now Deanna noticed, that she was the only person among the senior staff, she had not talked to about what had happened. She noticed, how she must have suffered seeing her best and closest friend being transformed into a machinelike being. The chances she would talk to her now were small, but she had to try.

"Beverly, are you alright?"

Beverly turned around and bit her lip. She felt uncomfortable, but she had tried to patch herself up alone for too long. First the Borg, then Jean Luc and now.

"Can I talk to you."

Deanna smiled inviting and held out a hand towards her, inviting her to sit down with her.

"As friend or Counselor?"

Beverly lifted her shoulders.

"I don't know."

She brushed her hand over the chair she was hiding behind, not quite yet ready to tear down the wall she had ereceted around her innermost feelings.

"As a friend-Counselor", Beverly continued taking a step out of her shelter.

Deanna nodded.

"Very well."

Beverly turned to walk towards the replicator. She needed some time to adjust herself to the thought of laying open her emotions in front of her friend. She was still debating, what to say and what to keep to herself.

"Some tea?"

"Yes, thank you", Deanna answered.

"Earl Grey, hot", Beverly ordered absently minded.

When the pot of steaming tea appeared, she sighed. Deanna was startled when she heard Beverly's order for the Captains favorite beverage. She knew, they were awfully close, but it seemed even she had underestimated, how deep their relationship really was. It seemed it was natural to Beverly that she should order Earl Grey and nothing else.

Beverly shook her head at her mistake and ordered an herbal mixture,she had programmed into the computer, when she came aboard the enterprise three years ago.

She placed the pot and cups on the small table in front of the sofa and set down on the armchair across from Deanna, slipping out of her boots and drawing one leg up under herself. It felt good to sit, where he usually sat. She even had the impression she could still smell him in the stuffy cushions.

She didn't know where to start. She looked into Deanna's eyes for help. Deanna smiled back, placing her cup back on the table.

"Your tea is very tasty."

Beverly smiled.

"It is one of my grandmother's mixtures."

"What is inside?"

"Oh, all kind of herbs. It is supposed to calm you down."

Beverly fell silent again. She looked down in her lap, and then, her voice barely above a whisper she blurred it out:

"I slept with Jean Luc!"

Deanna's eyes almost dropped out of her face when her eyebrows shot up. She looked into Beverly's direction not believing her ears. Beverly slowly looked up.

"I had had those terrible nightmares. Jean Luc was Locutus crying out my name, but I could just not reach him. That night I woke again, and I heard him calling. It was so real. It was as if he was standing next door. It shuttered my whole self. I got up and I just needed to see him. We were keeping a distance. God knows why. I was scared, he was scared. It was late in the night and I needed to see, needed to know for real that he was here on the ship. I went to his quarters. When he didn't answer I went in. I called for him but he didn't answer. It was all dark and I heard him calling out for me the whole time. There was a small light coming out from the bedroom, so I went to see whether he was there."

She stopped. She closed her eyes taking some deep breaths.

"He was lying in bed naked, trying to relieve himself whispering my name. I wanted to withdraw so I would not embarrass him, but I couldn't. Then he looked me in the eyes and I knew I had to do something or else we would never be the same again. I went to him and we slept with each other."

Beverly swallowed hard and looked into Deanna's face. Deanna had gained her Counselors professionalism again. She had a light smile on her lips and nodded.

"Do you regret it?"

Beverly shook her head.

"No."

"And what happened then?"

"I started to cry. I was so overwhelmed and he felt guilty for taking advantage of me. But he didn't. We both needed each other than and we needed to feel each other in that way. He understood and then we started talking about what had happened, the Borg and then us. And then we made love once more. For real this time and something happened that night. I never felt so whole before. It was unbelievable."

Beverly looked into Deanna's eyes. She reached to the table to fetch her cup. Deanna nodded and also took her cup. She needed some time to grasp what big step those two had just taken and Beverly also needed some time. They had been friends for long, but when it came to the relationship between Beverly and the Captain, she had never been so open and shared as much as she had now.

"So, you cleared everything out that night."

Beverly nodded slowly taking another soothing sip from her cup.

Deanna reached over and padded Beverly's hand.

"Why are you so scared?"

Deanna spoke slowly, giving each word a small emphasis. Her voice was soft and low.

Beverly shook her head and bit her lip.

"I left him that night and sent him away to LaBarre."

Deanna shook her head.

"No, you didn't send him away. He had planned to go there for some time now."

Beverly shook her shoulders.

Then she whispered.

"You don't understand. I left him. He wanted me to come with him."

Deanna raised her eyebrow again. She took Beverly's hand and made her look into her eyes.

"I said I won't because I thought he needed to heal by himself."

Deanna nodded.

"That was a very wise thing you did, Beverly."

Beverly shook her head.

"No," she insisted her voice full of anger.

"Don't you see", she was almost shouting right now.

"I left him again! Just as on the Borg ship I left him again! I left him, when he needed me most. I always seem to leave him."

Deanna pulled on Beverly's hand.

"Stop now!" she said, her voice a bit louder than she intended to. But she knew Beverly was starting to drift into the Howard stubbornness and she needed to be quick.

"Stop taking responsibility for things that YOU cannot change. YOU didn't leave him. YOU didn't leave him on the Borg ship and YOU didn't send him away. Stop carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. What you did, every good counselor would have done. Had I known of that, I would even had made you and him do that. That night you saw, that you cannot built a relationship, if it starts with him depending on you. It might feel wrong now. But it isn't, believe me. Trust yourself Beverly."

Deanna took a deep breath before continuing.

"Trust him."

She paused.

"Trust yourself."

Beverly shook her head. She pulled her hand out of Deanna's and pulled herself together on the chair. Starting to cry, she whispered.

"But why does it feel so wrong?"

Deanna smiled at her.

"Because you love him."

Beverly nodded.

She still was hugging her legs tightly to her body, but Deanna could see, that she clearly started to relax. Her breathing had become more steady and she had stopped crying.

" I can still hear him calling my name."

Deanna's eyebrows rose again.

"You still have your nightmares?"

Beverly shook her head.

"No, it is different now. It is more like he is calling me in a very gentle way. Soothing me, pulling me into his embrace."

Deanna sat back on the sofa. She started to massage her forehead. Could that be? Was it even possible that it was not Beverly imagination or dreams, but that it was actually Jean Luc that was calling out for her? That those two shared something like an empathic link. That would take in account for a lot that Denna had witnessed over the last weeks.

If it was true, it was the Captain who had called out to her and when she had those nightmares, but she interpreted it in a wrong way. Had he already been calling out to her on the Borg Ship? Did everything got mixed up in Beverly's head.

"Beverly", she slowly began.

"I think the Captain had been calling out for you."

Beverly looked up, raising an eyebrow. Deanna nodded.

"I think you heard his voice for real. How long have you known each other?"

Beverly laid her head to the side.

"I met him when I had started dating Jack."

"And you two got along well."

Beverly nodded.

"We were best friends."

"But you never experienced something like that before? Had you ever", Deanna hesitated.

"I am sorry, had you ever .."

Deanna paused once more weighing her words carefully.

"Have you ever felt more than friendship towards him back then?"

Beverly nodded.

"I was in love with Jack, but I cannot deny that I felt drawn toward Jean Luc from the minute I met him. I don't know what we could have become back then, hadn't it been for Jack."

"Have you ever heard his voice before?"

Beverly started to brush her hair out of her face. Deanna noted the typical sign of nervousness on the doctor.

"I don't know Deanna. I must admit,I dreamt of him a lot, even when I was with Jack. Sometime I wondered what could have become of us, hadn't I been with Jack, but I don't think we would have gotten together. He always wanted to be Captain and he was so different. He is after all 19 years older than me. Back then that was a lot of water, that had run down the river."

She took her cup.

"What are you heading toward Deanna?"

"I don't know."

Deanna sighed.

"But you two seem to share a very deep connection and I think you are something like Imzadi. You know that Betazoid term. Lovers that learn to read each others thoughts."

Beverly shook her head.

"But we are not Betazoid nor were we lovers until that night."

Deanna rolled her eyes.

"You were lovers long before that night, Beverly, and you know that. You share a special connection. You are soulmates, the closest thing to Imzadi and I don't think it impossible that you two have bonded so strongly, that you are able to share some very strong emotions with each other."

Beverly nodded.

"Such as love or pain."

"Yes."

Beverly putted down her cup.

"That would explain a lot."

They both sat back and looked into the void of the room. After some minutes of silence Deanna said.

"Are you feeling better?"

Beverly nodded.

"Yes."

She looked into the dark eyes of her friend.

"Thank you Deanna."

Deanna smiled.

"It was a pleasure. Thank you for sharing all that with me."

They fell silent again.

"So how will you two go on?"

Beverly gazed in direction of the viewport.

"I don't know."

Her smile had disappeared.

"I don't know, whether he stills want me, when he comes back."

Deanna shook her head. It was almost unbelievable how insecure and full of doubts the strong Doctor was, when it came to the Captain and his love for her. To the senior officers it was obvious that those two were meant to be and that there was a strong attraction between him. Beverly was the only person to meet the Captain eye to eye no matter in what situation came and she was the only one he accepted to approach him that way in any situation. He respected her not only as a doctor, but as an officer and a friend. And they saw the love and care for her in his eyes. Well, maybe Data didn't interpret all those subtle signs of love correctly, but the others sure did.

"Beverly, he will come back. He will be most of his old self again and that old self loved you. And he is not a fool to let you slip away!"

Beverly nodded.

"You do want a relationship with him, don't you?"

Beverly fastened her hands together over her knee and nodded.

"It's not gonna be easy, but I'll be a fool to let my fears and doubts rule my life."

Deanna smiled.

"You know you got a friend here."

Beverly smiled.

"I know. Thank you."

"And most of the crew behind you two. I wonder how much Will will collect on his bets."

Beverly raised one of her eyebrows mockingly.

"That bad?"

Deanna nodded.

"Odds have tribbled since you came back on the ship."

Beverly shook her head.

"Will is uncorrectable."

Deanna laughed out loud.

"Yes, but you know how important thinks like that are for the moral on a spaceship."

They kept on chatting long into the night before they bid their goodnights.