Hi guys! I hope those of you from the US had a great holiday weekend! This is probably one of the most focused chapters of the fanfic almost so much so that it harkens back to the prologue. I've been promising a Chuck centric chapter for a while so I hope it doesn't disappoint.
To those who reviewed: Trosev, CloudyDream, kosoul7, shanGG, Moonflower26, ChuckBlair08lover, Moozanna, lovetvtoomuchxo, Grace, PureJadore, Cascia, Pingping, GGRaina, Sharry, misssunnybluesky, CarolinaGirlGG, LovelyLydia, SouthernBelle88, CarolinaGirl21, and the numerous "Guest" reviews – you guys are so incredible, thank you for all of the welcoming wonderful things you said. You all made me so glad I came back.
To my new beta kosoul7 – I couldn't have done it without you. Thanks so much!
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Not Gossip Girl and not the song used below (You Don't Know Her Like I Do, by Brantley Gilbert).
Chapter 11: Memories Collecting Dust
"Man, you know I love Gwen. Really I think she's great. I remember what you were like before her and it wasn't good." Nate spoke setting down his glass of scotch. "But if you aren't 100% sure then you shouldn't do it."
Shaking his head Chuck looked over at Nate. "I was sure. I was so sure that this was forever and now Blair being back has shaken me up - bringing to the surface all my old fears. It's not Gwen that I'm not sure about, it's me. I'm still just as sure about my feelings for her as I was before."
Nate exhaled as he looked carefully at his friend. They'd come here to one of their favorite bars after Bloomingdale's - Chuck had lied about having a meeting and Nate had let him. This conversation was important and Nate knew it needed to happen sooner rather than later, no matter how difficult it was. "I think that's even more reason that you need to rethink this. You can't marry someone when you're having doubts."
"She's the one that fixed me Nate. You said it yourself...where would I be if not for her? I owe her everything." Chuck said, his voice growing raw with withheld emotion.
Nodding Nate met Chuck's gaze head on. "You're right. You owe her everything. You owe her your faithfulness, your love, but more than all of that you owe it to her to be sure for her sake if not for yours. If you propose there's no going back and IF you wake up one day and realize you've made a huge mistake, you'll destroy her."
Chuck practically growled. "I wouldn't do that. Blair and I are over, for good."
Narrowing his gaze Nate looked at Chuck carefully. "You keep saying that. And while I believe that things have changed and you've really moved on, I can't stop asking myself if the person you're lying to about all this isn't us but yourself. What if something so far inside you, you don't even recognize anymore, is never going to get over Blair? What if all you're doing is prolonging the inevitable and increasing the pain that'll be inflicted on everyone in the process?"
"God damn it Nathaniel." Chuck's voice was dangerously low as he responded. "I thought we'd moved past this."
Nate ran a hand through his hair. "All I'm saying is that you have to be sure for more than you. If you don't care about Blair anymore that's fine. I know your desire for self preservation has never been all that high but you need to remember that what you do now, you do to Gwen too.
Swallowing Chuck looked down at his scotch glass. "I think you underestimate my desire for self preservation. You don't remember what it was like when she left, when I'd realized I'd lost her for good." Looking back up he almost smirked. "Do you?"
Tilting his head slightly, Nate met Chuck's gaze. He knew exactly what his friend was referring to - it wasn't when Blair had first left, it was two years after that. Something that summer had made Chuck crack. But the thing was, it was that exact moment he was referencing as well. "Don't you?"
"What do you mean?" Chuck asked, actually surprised by Nate's inquiring tone. "Blair destroyed me."
Nodding, Nate's voice changed slightly, gaining more confidence. "Yeah, realizing you'd lost Blair absolutely destroyed you. I don't know what happened that summer, but whatever it was it broke you. But do you remember what you told me?"
Chuck's brow furrowed in confusion. He hadn't been certain that Nate was following him. He'd automatically assumed that Nate wouldn't necessarily draw the connection to the summer two years ago when Chuck had finally fallen apart following the Hamptons - though it seemed as though his friend was more perceptive than he'd realized. And truth be told he didn't remember. "No." He spoke his voice dark.
Leaning further in Nate lowered his own voice. "That I didn't understand, that I never had and never would." Meeting Chuck's gaze Nate continued. "You told me that she was your best friend, your everything. You said you would do whatever it took to get her back, no matter how long it took; that you would track her down and drag her back kicking and screaming if you had to."
Chuck rolled his eyes. "I was a dramatic little prick wasn't I?" But in truth he was uncomfortable because his mind was fuzzy on this. The only explanation was that he wasn't letting himself remember or that he'd just been that drunk.
Propping his head with his hand Nate exhaled. "Your exact words when I accused you of being suicidal - 'I might as well be dead already. Living without her is like trying to exist without oxygen. I'm drowning in the pain, every moment more excruciating than the last.'"
"Jesus, how do you even remember what I said word for word, two years ago?" Chuck asked, evading Nate's actual question.
Nate frowned. "When your best friend is talking in suicidal monologues it's kind of hard to forget. Besides…that last line is something that stays with you."
"What's your point Nathaniel?" Chuck asked, feeling strangely dejected.
Standing Nate shook his head. "My point, is that less than two months after that conversation you were dating Gwen."
Chuck stared at Nate unable to do anything but blink. It had been longer than two months hadn't it?
Seeing the shocked look on Chuck's face Nate just shook his head. "I'm not Team Blair, I think that Gwen is just about perfect for you but if you don't take your time to figure things out you're going to ruin everything you've worked so hard to build."
Chuck still stared at his friend. His words sounded forceful and almost pained. It was enough to shock Chuck into actually listening. "I think I need to be alone and think." He spoke, his voice sounded wrong to his ears. Somewhere along the way, Nate had started paying better attention to his life than he was. And Chuck had never even noticed.
Nate shot him a look of concern - something he'd said had definitely broken through Chuck's facade but he didn't really know what. Nodding he stood, understanding that he'd done what he could to help. Now all that was left was to let Chuck think things through.
Swallowing tightly, Chuck looked at the wall of the room he and Nate had always called the Bachelor Pad in his Penthouse. He was on his fourth glass of scotch and he'd begun to feel numb. He couldn't help but wonder though if he was numb enough to do what it was he was about to do.
Squeezing his eyes tightly he knew he didn't have another choice - he had to do this. If he didn't he wouldn't be sure. And Nate was right, fuck Blair to hell because she'd done it again. She'd come back and fucked up his life even when he'd stayed away, when he hadn't let her in. Just her being here was enough to ruin everything.
Now he had to do it, he had to let himself remember how he'd felt, how he'd loved her, and how she'd destroyed all that. Standing he walked slowly towards the bookshelf in the room. Reaching up to the third shelf from the top, he touched The Catcher In the Rye, ignoring the shaking in his hand as he pulled the book towards him until he felt the latch release.
He tried not to wince as he swung out the false shelf, revealing the real shelf behind it. Chuck exhaled as his fingers ran over the bound leather of his journals. No one knew about these, not even Blair, unless she'd known and never said. They dated back to his childhood, waning over time until they stopped. He knew without looking that the last journal was dated December 31st, 2013. He'd stopped journaling the day he'd given up on Blair.
Tugging the final year from it's resting place where it had been gathering dust he slammed closed the shelf. He wouldn't break, he couldn't afford to break again because Gwen deserved better. Locking the door to the room he sat down in the corner chair clutching the journal in his hands. He knew where to open the book, right near the middle he'd find May, he'd find the Hamptons.
Saturday May 18th, 2013
I can hardly believe I'm writing this. I feel like I'm dreaming, there's no way that this could be real. But I'm here and she's beside me, her legs tangled with mine, her body pressed against my side. It's like no time's passed at all. Maybe that's it, maybe this isn't the dream, maybe I've been living in a nightmare for the past two years. If so I'm awake now and I'll never go back there again. Without her I don't exist, not really and being this close to her, touching her, proves that in a way that nothing else could.
Looking down at her sleeping form, she's perfection, her chocolate curls, ivory skin, black lashes hiding her warm brown eyes, her lips slightly parted allowing warm breath to slip past. It doesn't matter that she left, it doesn't matter what she's done or who she's been with. I should care but I can't bring myself to do anything but love her. I'll do whatever it takes to keep her this time, whatever is necessary. Losing her again would destroy me - she's everything.
Chuck slammed his head back against the chair. His blind optimism turned his stomach and he hated the memories that seemed to wash over him like waves. The only part of the Hamptons he'd allowed himself to keep with him was the memory of her leaving, remembering the good was torturous. He didn't want to keep reading but he couldn't stop now.
Tuesday May 21, 2013
We've been unable to keep our hands off each other the past few days. My two years of abstinance feels more right now than it ever has. With any other girl it would have just been fucking but with Blair everything is different. Every single time I swear I love her more. Her body is perfect, the way it fits against mine makes me wonder how I ever was able to satisfy myself with anyone else. There is no one but her.
Chuck cringed at his own words but continued reading, finding himself vaguely curious about what he'd written. Such a haze had settled over that time he almost felt like he was reading about something that had happened to someone else. Of course that only lasted until he read it and remembered and then the pain of that memory flashed through him like lightening.
Blair's different than she used to be. She's always been so strong and independent but the fragility that was once there has faded. She cooks now and she's actually damn good. And there's this certainty she seems to have about everything she does. I think she's becoming her own person, away from all the pressure she used to have crushing her in New York.
As hard as this is for me to admit I think that maybe she was right to leave - the way she did it hurt like hell but maybe that's the only way she could make herself go. We didn't know who we were without the other, we didn't know how to stand alone. But now, now I can see how she's changed and there's a glimmer there of the woman that she's going to become. So maybe then wasn't our time, maybe our time is right now.
God could he have been any more cheesy? Chuck thought to himself as he turned the page. He'd been such a lovesick puppy, ready to fall at her damn feet. Turning the page he almost groaned in disgust at his next words.
Friday, May 24 2013
I've never felt more secure in our relationship than I do in this moment. I knew something was bothering her so I brought her out to the beach for a midnight picnic - I would have felt like a chump doing it for anyone else but Blair is different, Blair is always different. I was fucking terrified but I let it all go and opened up to her in every way I could. I didn't mean to but I begged her never to leave me again. The moment the words slipped from my lips I started panicking so I know I babbled. I wasn't ready to say all those things yet but I couldn't risk another moment passing without her knowing how much I needed her. Hearing her say that she never wanted to let me go was like the air that I needed to finally breathe again.
I'm not naïve. I know there will be adjustments, that we can't just magically pick up where things left off. She hasn't mentioned the guy I saw her with yet and I'm not sure what that means but she admitted that she's only really happy with me and that's what matters. In the end that's all that matters. I thought I would wait before giving her back the ring, at least until she asks about it. I'll never say that Tuscany was a mistake - it's one of the most perfect memories of my life - but it might have been too much too fast. Maybe that's why when we returned it everything went to hell. I won't make that mistake again. I have her back. I finally have her back and I'm never screwing that up again. But last night I gave it to her, or maybe what I did was offer it to her and she took it. Now it's back where it belongs. Always and forever.
Chuck's hand began to shake as he turned the page because he knew what was next. He knew what would come.
Saturday May 25th 2013
She's gone.
I feel...I feel numb. Yet at the same time I'm overwhelmed with pain. More than pain, anguish.
She left. And it feels different this time. It feels final. Last time I was sure she'd come back but this time, this time I don't know anything. I feel like my heart's been ripped from my chest.
She said it was all for revenge. Revenge. How could Nate have been right about that? I felt it. I felt how much she loved me the past few days - that wasn't revenge.
I don't know what game she's playing but I swore I wouldn't let her get away from me again and I won't. I can't.
I'm not letting her go. I'll find her, I'll track her down, I'll bring her back to me. Whatever it takes.
His hands ran over his head, gripping into his hair as the memories seemed to explode from the far corners of his brain where he'd shelfed them. Each one more painful than the one before it. He'd read what he'd needed to read, every new word he read stung like a knife but they'd served their purpose.
He remembered the voicemails, the ones he'd left her every day. Some were detailed in the journal, others just seemed to be imprinted in his head. And now they were there in his brain playing on repeat.
I don't know why you left Blair but I know it wasn't revenge. I'm not going to let you do this to us, not again. I know what you said you did but I don't believe you. I'll stop you, you know I will. I promised I wouldn't let you go again and I won't. All I want, all I need, is you. I love you Blair.
After being with you again nothing's right. I know you feel the same. You couldn't feel what we felt then go back to living without it. Call me back Blair, tell me where you are. Or better yet come home.
Blair, I know you're listening to these because I know you. You're probably listening to them over and over again as you memorize every word. So memorize this. I love you. I love you more than life. I love you more than this wretched company. I love you more than you love yourself. Hell I love you more than I love myself. I'm not letting go, my happiness, my ability to breathe depends on you. And I'm too damn selfish to live without that. I'm going to find you B.
You know you can't hide from me forever. I went looking for you and wherever it is that you are is well hidden, but it's not good enough. I'm going to track you down Blair and when I do I'm going to bring you home even if it's kicking and screaming. I'm going to lock you in my bedroom and never let you go again. Fuck I'll make love to you until you never want to leave my bed. It's only a matter of time - so save us both the trouble and come back now.
I'm sorry for my last message Waldorf - I was drunk and upset and I couldn't seem to control myself. But it doesn't make what I said any less true. I need you Blair. I need you, I want you, I love you. You fucking consume me. Come home.
Drunk dialing again you ask? The answer of course is yes. Because you see I can't stop. I can't stop drinking because it numbs the pain if only for a moment. I can't stop calling because I can't stop loving you. You're like a fucking disease and when you aren't here I'm dying. Or more than that. You're like my air and I'm suffocating here without you. I love you.
Where are you Blair? Where the fuck are you? Why can't my team of PI's find you? Believe me when I say that you can't run forever. When I do find you I'm never letting you go again.
Blair, please come home. Please. I can't do this anymore. I can't. I need you to live. I need you to breathe. Please, just come back to me. I'll do any...anything.
I love you Blair.
As the words pounded through his brain his thoughts rushed elsewhere. He remembered going to Duke looking for her, then going to Stanford still trying to find her. He'd called her parents seeing if they'd heard from her. He even asked Nate and Serena though he didn't tell them why he was suddenly looking. There had been nothing.
He'd lost his mind over her. They'd all known it. He'd absolutely gone crazy trying to find her and when he hadn't he had drunk himself into oblivion. Trying to wash away the pain.
Turning to a day in late June he looked at words he'd written, words that were as close to a suicide note as he'd ever come. It was the day she'd answered. It hadn't been an unusual day by any other measure. He'd been holed up in his suite at the Empire just as he'd spent the past several weeks. He still remembered the way his heart had seemed to literally stop when he heard the click on the other end of the line.
Chuck could barely breathe. He'd been distracted, barely paying attention to the phone ringing in his hand until he'd heard the click on the other side instead of her voicemail.
"Blair..." He breathed after what felt like hours but was probably mere seconds. He'd been calling her for weeks with carefully rehearsed speeches but now he didn't even know what to say. Swallowing tightly he forced back the tightness in his throat that was stinging his eyes and let everything go. "I love you Blair. I love you and I need you. Without you I'm nothing. You're all I have, you're all I need, and you're the only thing I've ever wanted." He spoke, his voice struggling to force the words from his chest as he held back the sobs that threatened to burst forth - this could be his only chance, he couldn't screw it up. "Come home Blair. Come home to me."
After a moment of silence on the other end he thought that the connection had dropped but he could see on his phone's screen that it wasn't the case. "I know you're there. Please just say something. Please."
"I love you. Blair, you're my air I swear to god I need you to breathe, to survive." Chuck added, desperately, his voice beginning to crack. "I love you. I...love...you."
He heard one deep shuddering breath before the phone clicked off. And when it did he shattered into a million different pieces. Nothing could ever fix this, nothing but her.
It had been a few days later that Nate had come by. He'd been drowning himself in liquor, anything to dull the unbearable pain. It had been a couple weeks since he'd tossed Nate out of the penthouse on the premise that he needed some time alone but that didn't stop his friend from making increasingly regular visits. He'd known even then that he'd passed the point of self-destruction into the territory of suicidal and he hadn't tried in the slightest to hide it.
"You need to get up." Nate exclaimed barging into Chuck's room. "I sat by and watched you fall apart for four weeks and I'm not going to do it anymore."
Chuck turned his head, looking at Nate with a bored expression. "Why on earth are you in my room Nathaniel?"
Nate walked near the bed, pacing the carpet quickly. "Because I'm done sitting around watching you destroy everything you've built. Speaking of destroying - what the fuck happened in the living room?" Nate asked firmly, as he thought back to the mess of shattered glass and broken furniture.
"I broke some things." Chuck spoke carelessly - thinking to himself that he'd wanted to see if anything could be shattered as completely as he'd been shattered. It couldn't. "Don't you have something better to do than harass me? Didn't I hear you and my sister were on the outs again?"
"Nuh uh, you don't get to turn this around on me." Nate spoke determined to get his best friend's ass out of this room even if he got his head ripped off in the process. "You have a business trip to China that you can't miss. If you do the board is going to look into replacing you."
Chuck shrugged. "Let them."
"What the fuck is wrong with you man?" Nate exclaimed emphatically. Two months ago you were obsessed with the company, now you're acting as though you don't even care."
Shrugging again Chuck looked up at Nate with dead eyes. "I don't."
"Bullshit." Nate spat as he crossed his arms. "For the past two years that's all you've cared about, ever since Blair walked out ..." Nate's voice slowed as he his arms fell to his sides. He'd seen a flicker in Chuck's eyes. It had been almost imperceptible but he'd seen it. "She's gone man. She's been gone. Now get your shit together before you ruin your life."
Hey old friend, thanks for calling
It's good to know somebody cares
And yeah she's gone, but I don't feel like talking
Might be just too much to bear
Chuck laughed darkly to himself before he looked up at Nate. "Give the boy a gold star he's finally figured it out."
Nate shook his head slowly. "So this is still about Blair. I knew you were looking for her again but I didn't realize..."
Lifting an eyebrow spitefully, Chuck turned his head. "Then what exactly did you think was going on? That I was depressed? That I'd fallen apart for no reason? Of course it's Blair, it's always been about Blair."
To hear somebody say it stops hurting
Or to hear somebody say that she ain't worth it
"I thought we were past all of that." Nate spoke cautiously. He knew every year around the time she left Chuck fell apart, this year had been no different - he'd actually even looked for her this time. But he'd been sure that this was something else. "Man I know you loved her but it's been years. It's time to move on."
Chuck's eyes flashed as he stood and began walking towards the door, anything to get away from Nate. "Thanks for stopping by, for caring, but if it's all the same to you I'd rather be alone."
Nate followed Chuck from the room but he held his ground. "I'm not leaving until we talk about this."
Cause you don't know her like I do
You'll never understand
And you don't know what we've been through
Yeah, that girl's my best friend
"I can always call security. Of course I'd need to have them confiscate your key in the process." Chuck spoke flippantly as he walked towards his landline.
Nate ignored Chuck's jabs and shook his head. "You act like I don't know how you feel - like you're the only one she left behind. But she's not worth all this." Nate said gesturing around the room
Fire burned through Chuck's veins so strongly he couldn't control his reaction and he snapped. "You think you understand? If that weren't such an asinine comment I'd think it was cute. You have no fucking idea what I'm dealing with."
And there's no way you're gonna help me
She's the only one who can
No, you don't know how much I've got to lose
You don't know her like I do
Stalking forward Nate had to refrain from knocking some sense into Chuck. "You think I don't get it? I may not feel the same way about her you do but I assure you I can at very least empathize. I know how much you loved her, how much it hurt you when she left."
"Clearly you don't." Chuck snapped. "Something you proved time and time again when you threw her away or undervalued her."
Nate shook his head refusing to respond to Chuck's jab. "I don't understand what's triggering this Chuck. You've been mostly fine for the past two years, I thought you were over her. Why this? Why now?" Nate asked with furrowed brows.
I can't forget, I'm drowning in these memories.
It fills my soul with all the little things.
And I can't cope, it's like a death inside the family
It's like she stole my way to breathe
Chuck actually felt a jolt at Nate's words because they did dredge up a question in him. Why now? Why was he falling apart when he hadn't the first time? But really he knew the answer, of course he knew. "I'll never get over Blair, I never could. That you think I could proves you don't have any idea the depth of my feelings for her. She's the love of my life, my everything, my lover, my best friend, my family, my strength, my weakness, my way to fucking breathe."
Nate flinched, he'd never heard someone describe any emotion quite like that, especially not Chuck. Not even years ago when he was fighting so hard to get her back.
Before Nate could say anything Chuck continued. "You can't understand because you've never had so little that could cause you to depend so completely on one person." Chuck spoke, his voice sounding raw to his own ears.
So don't try to tell me i'll stop hurting
Don't try to tell me she ain't worth it
Nate felt his resolve shake as he heard Chuck's words. He was at least partially right - he'd never felt something so incredibly complex. "But that still doesn't tell me why now?" Nate spoke with an exhale.
Chuck swallowed, narrowing his gaze as Nate seemed to blur before him in his drunken haze. "Now. It's happening now because I know that she's not coming back to me on her own. The only way she's coming back to me is if I drag her back here kicking and screaming. Which I fully intend to do the moment I find out where the fuck she is."
"What changed?" Nate asked unable to shake his curiosity even through Chuck's obvious turmoil.
Cause you don't know her like I do
You'll never understand
And you don't know what we've been through
That girl's my best friend
Shaking his head Chuck exhaled. He wasn't telling Nate what had happened, no that was his and Blair's alone, it wasn't for other people to know. "I woke up. I quit being a delusional child. She's not coming back. I've spent two years ignoring the obvious and trying to convince myself otherwise because I couldn't bear the alternative." Chuck laughed darkly and ran a hand through his hair. "Clearly, I still can't."
"What are you saying Chuck? What do you mean you couldn't bear it?" Nate questioned feeling his heartbeat pick up, Chuck was starting to really worry him. He didn't know why his best friend was breaking, he didn't understand but he knew the ultimate cause. This had been what they'd all expected in the beginning, when it had never come they'd been shocked. It was obvious to him what was happening now - Chuck had let go of hope.
"I'm saying that without her there's no point to this." He spoke flinging his arms around, his voice growing louder. "I don't want this, I don't want any of it. Without her it means nothing to me. It's a crushing reminder of what's left of me. I'm hollow."
And there's no way you're gonna help me
She's the only one who can
No, you don't know how much I've got to lose
You don't know her like I do. Oh Like i do.
Nate's eyes widened as he realized the depth of Chuck's depression, he hadn't known it had gotten so bad. His expression dropped, becoming completely serious. "Tell me you're not suicidal. Tell me that you haven't even considered it."
Chuck laughed and shot a quick glance at Nate. "Would you like me to lie?"
"FUCK." Nate cursed loudly taking a few steps closer to Chuck.
You don't know her like I do
You'll never understand
You don't know what we've been through
That girl's my best friend
Chuck swallowed, flinching as Nate spoke. He hadn't meant to tell Nate that he'd thought about it - but he couldn't think of a lie quickly enough that would roll off his tongue. "Why not? I might as well be dead already. I'm never getting over her or moving past this, never. Living without her is like trying to exist without oxygen. I'm drowning in the pain, every moment more excruciating than the last. I can't even bring myself to function through it."
Walking quickly towards his friend, Nate placed his hands on Chuck's shoulders, forcing him to look at him. "You can't do that. You can't be stupid enough to think that solves anything. What would happen to the company? Me and Serena? And Lily...it would kill her. Not to mention what it would do to Blair when she found out - whatever happened between the two of you, you know she'd blame herself."
There's no way you're gonna help me
She's the only one who can
No, you don't know how much I've got to lose
"I'm not sure any of that matters anymore - it doesn't feel like it does." Chuck spoke, feeling himself letting go of everything around him. "I can't anymore, Nate. I'm tired. And I'm so tired of being tired."
Nate bristled, he'd never heard Chuck call him Nate before - he was Nathaniel. What he'd thought was a dramatic turn by his best friend turned out to be a lot worse. He wasn't sure how to deal with this. "She's not worth it Chuck. I love her too but she's not worth destroying yourself - nothing is."
Chuck exhaled loudly, feeling one deep almost desperate sob rack his body. Looking up at Nate he shrugged his shoulders. "I don't feel anything but pain and I don't know how to feel anything else. Everything makes me think of her, everything. I can't go outside but I can't be here. She's everywhere."
No you never know how much I've got to lose
You don't know her like I do.
Swallowing Nate felt for the first time that he might know a way out of this. "I have an idea." He spoke, feeling the smallest flicker of a smile. He had to get Chuck out of the Empire - he had to give him something new that Blair had nothing to do with. "Did you know that the New Yorker's for sale?"
Not like I do.
Pain rippled through him the moment he remembered everything, like an electrocurrent crippling him. This pain was something he knew well, something he remembered now so clearly. It was almost like an old friend, this agony. How had he survived this for so many months? How had he managed to drag himself from this? Because right now it felt as though he was suffocating again.
Why was he putting himself through this pain, this anguish again? He hadn't let her back in but he'd made the decision to remind himself of why he hadn't. And now it was like he was living it all over again. Had he ever really moved past it or had he just forced it all aside, made himself forget it, until it didn't ache every moment. If that was the case was there even a way out that didn't involve Blair? Would this pain always be there beneath it all unless he had her by his side. Did he really need her to breathe, was there a way to exist without her. He was gasping for air, trying to breathe but nothing seemed to be happening.
He was close to blacking out when he heard it, something calling to him almost as though it came from deep within him. It shattered the wall of darkness and agony that was crushing in on him with a bright light forcing it all away.
"Chuck? Where are you?" Gwen called as she walked through the apartment, surprised that he wasn't in bed or at the very least, in the office.
The air that filled his lungs was the most beautiful thing he'd ever felt. It was clearer to him in that moment than it had ever been. It had been Gwen who'd saved him. She'd been the one to force the pieces left, after Blair walked away, into some semblance of a man.
Exhaling he relaxed before forcing himself to his feet. The rest didn't matter. That all consuming all devouring love he'd felt for Blair was insignificant now because of Gwen. He pushed away the soft nagging at the back of his brain that seemed to disagree. It was small, it was unimportant. Gwen was the one who saved him, he owed her everything. And he wouldn't let Blair derail that, he wouldn't let her ruin him.
"I'm in here." He called out, putting his journal back where it belonged collecting dust with any other memory of her, before making his way to the door. Those memories, those feelings, weren't a part of him anymore. He wouldn't allow them to be.
Oh the feels I get just from posting this. Hope you all enjoyed it!
Reviews are always appreciated J
xoxo kate