Hurt

"Beverly, what is wrong."

Beverly frowned. She had cancelled her last morning exercises with Deanna, but today the Betazoid had been literary standing on her doorstep to fetch her. Had she had a real door like back home on Caldos, she would have only opened it a little to glimpse through and wave Deanna off. Beverly damned those automatic sliding doors. No chance for privacy! So Deanna had stepped in and was now standing in front of her, hands placed on her hips. She tapped one foot, waiting for her answer.

Beverly's anger flooded away and turned into a laughter. Deanna's behavior was slightly out of character. Ic things were not that bad it would be her, standing to face her like that. Not the patient counselor.

Deanna raises her eyebrow.

"Why are you laughing?"

"Look at you", Beverly answered.

"You look like me, trying to get an answer from I don't know who."

Deanna shook her head smiling. She looked Beverly in the eyes and noticed her relief. Within a second she noticed that the Doctor had managed to distract her again. Darn! She was really getting an expert on that. She composed herself giving Beverly "the look" and asked:

"Why do you keep cancelling our dates?"

Beverly raised her shoulders. She looked slightly defeated.

"I am tired."

"Problems sleeping", Deanne inquired raising her eyebrows in friendly compassion.

Beverly turned around ignoring the question. She went straight to the replicator to order a cup of coffee. Rolling the mug in between her hands she turned around to face the Deanna.

"You also want one?"

Deanna shook her head stepping forward to close the distance between them to arm length.

"What is going on? Why do you have problems sleeping?"

Beverly raised her eyebrow.

"I never said I had problems sleeping."

Deanna felt anger growing now. She really loved Beverly for the strong and committed woman she was, but in times like these, she wanted nothing mor then to grab her shoulders and shake reason into her. Can anyone be so stubborn?

Deanna crossed the room and sat down on the sofa. Lower arms on her legs, she stared to massage her temples.

"Beverly", she started the conversation anew. Her voice was soft, almost s whisper.

"What is going on? What happened?"

Beverly slowly walked towards the sofa. Her shoulders were hanging down. It was now, Deanna noticed dark rings under her eyes and how tired she really looked, her body almost collapsing in itself.

"I don't want to talk about it."

Beverly finally said when letting herself slip on a chair opposite of her friend.

Deanna rolled her eyes.

"You will have to."

"No."

Deanna frowned.

"You are dead stubborn."

"So I am."

"But you are also very unhappy", she said her voice soft.he decided to push the conversation a bit.

"You knew, that he had a past."

Beverly nodded and took a slow sip from her cup.

"So have I. It is not the past I know. It is the past I don't know. And not even that. It is the future, that I am scared of."

She took a deep sigh and placed the cup on the low table in front of her.

"You want to know why I am so mad?"

Beverly knew the answer. That had merely been a rhetorical question. She looked down into her lap, where her hands were clung together so hard her knuckles shone white though her thin skin.

"You know, he didn't tell Vash, that he was in a relationship, when she had knocked on his door. And when I was standing in front of her, he ignored me."

Deanna's eyes sprang open. That in fact, she had not expected. Still she decided to not say a word. It seemed Beverly was finally in a talking mood and she didn't want to stop her, by leaving a comment.

"I could tell, he was very uneasy, when I entered that morning and thought it was because of her, but later I found out, that it was also because of me."

Beverly shook her head and grabbed her cup.

"Any more questions", Beverly said bitterly.

"I am sorry", Deanna managed to utter.

Beverly nodded.

"So am I."

"So you decided to also show him the cold shoulder?"

Beverly shook her head.

"I couldn't face him any longer. It hurt so badly. I thought he loved me and I was something special for him."

She brushed the tear away that had slipped from her left eye.

"I am to old for that. I had not even managed crying yet. Maybe I should leave. "

"Leave the Enterprise!" Deanna almost screamed out.

"I don't want to, but..."

Beverly's voice trailed of.

Deanna took a deep breath.

"But you do love him still!"

Beverly nodded.

"So much it hurts."

"And he loves you."

Deanna said softly

Beverly raised her shoulders and shook her head.

"I really don't know anymore."

She let her head fall into her hands and took a deep breath. When she finally looked up again she continued.

"I had loved him for a while. Actually for longer than I am willing to admit to anyone but myself. And he said he had been in love with me since he first met me, but maybe the love is not strong enough? Maybe waiting so long we were whisking for more than that is exiting? If he loves me as much as he says, why did he not stand by my side?"

Beverly paused and looked Deanna straight in the eyes.

"Maybe we simply are not meant to be?"

"What?", Deanna shouted out not being able to contain herself for a small moment.

"It is obvious to half of Star Fleet that his eyes are always on you and that you have his heart. And from what I learned from you and studying you two I can say you belong to one another."

"That might be, but I cannot be with him, if he denies our relationship to the first ex lover."

Deanna nodded. Beverly was right. The Captain had made a really big mistake. Beverly deserved more than a casual relationship and casual sex and she was sure the Captain wanted more too. But knowing Beverly, he would need to crawl in front of her and excuse himself to gain her back. Deanna couldn't believe how utterly stupid he had behaved towards Beverly.

"But you still love him?"

Beverly looked away staring into the farther end of the room. She nodded.

"You want him back?"

It was more of a statement than a question.

Beverly nodded again

"And you would take him back?

Beverly sighed.

"I would want to, but... Will I be able to trust him?"

Deanna nodded.

"He did actually not betray you."

Beverly nodded.

"Not with his body."

Deanna took Beverly's hand.

"He made a mistake. But what you two share deserves a second chance."

Beverly sighed again. She knew Deanna was right. She knew Deanna was also very romantic. But it wasn't so easy. He had tried to reach her, but she had ignored his messages. He had hurt her pride and she was dead stubborn. But still Deanna was right. She missed him! And she wanted him back. Deanna could see her friend in deep thought and decided to leave her alone. She was just hoping those two would manage. Otherwise their lives would be hell.

Beverly slowly got up and moved to her desk to send a message."Join me for diner 1900, my place". She hesitated. Should she write something more? The message seemed cold and uninviting. She didn't want it to sound that way, but she couldn't send her love either. Or could she? Her feelings were battling within her. Someone needed to make the first step since she had ignored his approaches constantly. She pressed the send button and hurried in the bathroom to get a shower. When she passed her desk 20 minutes later she read his answer.

"I'll be there. Thank you."